Redemption

Last night I got redemption for the worst set ever at Soho on Monday night. I sucked so bad there. If I could erase any night of my life, that would be it. I didn’t give very much effort, but also, the crowd wasn’t even listening to me. When I first went up, I asked a couple questions so the crowd would respond and I could gauge their attentiveness. The first question, which had something to do with whether or not they were enjoying the show, got no response. And it was a lie because everyone else got a good response. Two people acknowledged the second question. There isn’t much that I hate more than an apathetic audience, so I gave them an apathetic performance. Apathy plus apathy equals a horrible set. After about 4 minutes, I said, “Okay, I’m done. Bye.” Then Paul Schorsch, the host of the show and friend of mine came up. I whispered to him, “I hate you. I hate your stupid show here. I hate all of these people, and I hope they all get scabies or some other obscure disease.” I really hated everyone in that room(except the comics) to the point that over the next two days I was constantly imagining other things they might do that I would hate, in order to validate my disgust for them. For example, in my mind, most of them whistle in the car whenever a good song is on. They eat all of their roommates’ Pop Tarts. They don’t capitalize “Pop Tarts” even though it is a brand name. They call tissues, “Kleenex,” even if they are Puffs. Just say “tissues,” you idiot. They love movies with Hugh Grant, Jennifer Lopez, Jackie Chan, Sandra Bullock and Ashton Kutcher. And they can’t wait until “Flight Plan” comes out on DVD. They are so sensitive that they get offended when someone says retarded, gay, Native American, black, abortion, tribe, race or midget, no matter the context, even though they are all acceptable words in and of themselves. They also call anyone who is black, “AFRO-American,” which I think sounds even more racist and than “the N-word.” They also call rap music and Phat Pharm clothes, “urban.” And the motive behind all of their actions is to be ironic, which I find both retarded and gay.

Anyway, I don’t begrudge them any longer. Last night at Dr. Dremos, in front of a relatively dead crowd, I did the same set from Soho, plus a couple other untested jokes and did very well. To everyone who was at Dremos, thank you for restoring my self-esteem. I bet you are all the opposite of everything I described in the previous paragraph. I love you all.

Tonight is the Comedy Kumite: Tournament of Champions at the Comedy Spot in Ballston ( www.dcstandup.com for details). It will be a very cool show. If you don’t know what a Kumite is, it is the name of the martial arts tournament in Bloodsport. So, this show is a contest, but not a serious contest. No one cares who wins, except Justin Schlegel ( www.justinschlegel.com ). The contestants have all won previous Kumites, except Chris (conspiracy? Just kidding.), and they are me, Justin, Rory Scovel, Chris White, Erin Conroy, Frank Hong, Zach Toczynski and Larry Poon. The host is Jared Stern, who is also very funny. All I can tell you is that the show will be good. Rory, Chris and I have very funny intro music. Justin and I have funny intros. And Larry Poon will win.

I forgot to mention this before, but Justin Schlegel, who is a member of the sketch group that I’m in, won the showcase at the Improv on Tuesday night. Now 5 of the 7 permanent members have won.

I have 11 brothers. I just checked the zoning regulations and it turns out that if my parents adopt one more kid, we’ll have enough to start our own bible college.