Unite in Fellowship

FYI… the Satellite show for this Saturday has sold out. We managed to add 15 seats after it sold out and those were gone by the end of the day. If you bought tickets, thanks. If you don’t have a reservation and want to come, don’t worry. Any tickets that haven’t been claimed by 7:50 on show night will be released. Things like this usually have a 20% no-show rate. So come on down if you want to see a great show.

It has been a while since I have posted an entry. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to write everything today, so each day this week I will write about the past two weeks. I have been to Mexico, driven to St. Paul and back, not performed standup in 20 days, and had multiple dreams in which I am onstage and can’t remember any of my material. I’m standing up there looking at a set list like it belongs to someone else. “Hedgehog? What? Hedgehog? I have a joke called hedgehog? I don’t know it?” I start calling out to friends it the crowd, “How does hedgehog go?” They yell back, “Oh you know. That’s your best joke.” Then no one will tell me what the joke is, because they think I’m messing with them. Then I wake up sweating and it takes me five minutes to realize that I don’t have a joke called hedgehog, and neither does anyone else.

There are two kinds of people. There are those who are careful to call Puffy by his name of the month, and there are also people who aren’t idiots.

Chapter 2

I would be the worst Mexican ever. I stayed at a 5 star resort. They had every amenity anyone could imagine, including a golf course designed by Jack Nicklaus. However, they didn’t have toilet paper that wasn’t made of burlap. I’m not sure if you have ever eaten Mexican food, but it doesn’t exactly create what my friends and I call “The Perfect Shit.” No. It’s a mess and burlap isn’t good for messes. It more or less just spreads the mess around. People tell you not to drink the water in Mexico. I’m telling you, bring your own toilet paper. That was kind of nasty.

MTV has a popular show called Laguna Beach. I have seen it once. On the episode, they are in Los Cabos and had a huge fight at a club called "Roxx."I reenacted that scene and will have pictures on the site by the end of the week.

A guy in Cabo San Lucas dressed up his dog like Estelle Getty from The Golden Girls. It was wearing an old ladies church hat, glasses with the string attached, a shawl, a scarf, mittens and probably a few other accessories. It was one of the best things I’ve ever seen. I asked the owner if I could take a picture. His mustache separated from his lower lip as he said, “Fie dollars.” Five dollars? “Si” To take a picture? “Si, senor.” I realize that I could have just taken the picture and walked away, but I didn’t want the dog to feel like she was being taken advantage of.

I saw one of the top five things I have ever seen while driving across Indiana. There was an old guy, driving a Buick. It was covered with bumper stickers. One read: “Terri was murdered.” If he isn’t a relative of Terri Schiavo, he needs to get a life. Another was my favorite: “Abortion Causes Breast Cancer” First of all, it’s a proven fact. Also, it isn’t a slap in the face of anyone who has had breast cancer. People can get breast cancer from things other than abortions, such as using aerosol hairspray or eating beans, but most of the time, it's abortion. Maybe I just liked that sticker because it reminded me of one on my car: “Condoms Cause Laryngitis.” There is a lot of science behind that sticker. I thought that it was ironic that he had at least ten bumper stickers promoting the protection of lives, when he is wasting his own by shopping for bumper stickers. I’m sorry buddy, but bumper stickers aren’t converting anyone. They are like 0 for 5,000,000,000,000,000.

Pictures of these stickers will be online by the end of the week.

Another thing in Indiana: I saw a billboard that said, “Holland Motor Homes DOMINATE.” If you know anything about me, you know I love the words dominate and fury. I’m also a fan of the phrase “unite in fellowship.”

Tomorrow will be better.