Misc...

Quote of the week: “That kid does Emo Phillips better than Emo Phillips does himself.”

-Jay Hastings referring to an autistic, and more than likely, retarded kid doing comedy. It’s actually a compliment to the kid. Then the kid said something about the ACLU, which made him a lock for the world’s smartest retarded kid.

I saw a couple movies this weekend: The Aviator and Jarhead. Neither was what I was expecting. The Aviator was great, when I thought it was going to be a little boring. Meanwhile, Jarhead was a huge lump of crap. I was expecting Platoon, but what I got was Varsity Blues with guns. The same thing happened last year when I saw Ladder 49. I was expecting a Backdraft caliber movie, but instead it was like Will and Grace with fire. Both were equally horrible life decisions.

I saw Jarhead at night, even though I swore off going to theatres at night a while ago because there are so many idiots there at that time. Most people are normal, however theatres at night are usually about 10% idiot. During the day, there usually aren’t any idiots at all. Sitting to my left was the perfect example of an idiot. She had been talking to herself throughout the movie, saying nothing but the obvious, such as, “That’s his foot!” and the occasional, “mmmm… camouflage… ohhhh … football.” The topper was at the end of the movie. It cut to a guy’s funeral, IN A WAR MOVIE, and she loudly said, “What happened?” Now they didn’t show how he died, but we were at the same movie. We gathered the same facts. It was pretty easy to figure out. Don’t be a movie theatre idiot.

My friend, Glen Quesenberry, and I are pioneering a new sport that we’re going to call “Hurricane Quesenberry.” Here’s how you play: Get a leaf blower, and not one from Big Lots. You need a strong industrial sized one. Glen’s has a backpack. It looks like something from Ghost Busters. It actually blows 180 MPH. I don’t know how much horsepower that is, but my car doesn’t go nearly that fast. So if it hits you, it’s like getting hit by a fast car that’s made out of air. That’s all the equipment you need. You need at least two players. One at a time, they stand six feet in front of the leaf blower, and you turn it on 180 MPH. Every couple seconds it’s a good idea to throw some sort of debris into the gusts so they get the full hurricane effect. Whoever can stand in front of the “Hurricane” the longest wins.

The part that I like is that I have no idea how long people can last. It could be like bull riding where you’re thrown off in a matter of seconds, or it could be something that takes hours. And if that’s the case, it becomes just as much a sport for the person holding the leaf blower as it is for the other person. Then the sport has both offence and defense, which would ultimately force people to choose which aspect they’ll focus on. Of course the kids will all want to play offense (holding the leaf blower), but the older people respect defense more. And after about 40 years people will have endorsement deals with Skilcraft, John Deere and whoever makes trailers. But then everything will go downhill because Sportscenter will only show the fancy offensive highlights, which will cause all of the sports’ rising stars to do unnecessary behind-the-back hurricaning so they look like their heroes from the Dayton DustDevils. Pretty soon, all Americans will be focused on looking good instead of playing right, and the American team will get crushed by Argentina in the World Championships, because Argentina still focuses on the fundamentals and rewards good defense. What I’m saying is Stephon Marbury shoots too much.

On Friday I wrote about something that annoys me, but was still an obviously sarcastic post. It was about people who have never done comedy or have only done a couple open mics, but actually have a website devoted to their comedy “career”. It was not in reference to anyone who actually does shows around DC, as it referred to people who have never done it, but call themselves “rising stars.” They aren’t people I’ve met, since they don’t even do shows. They are just people whose websites I’ve found because I’m a loser. Somehow this ruffled some feathers. And I only use that incredibly gay phrase because it matches the gayness of the comment left by the anonymous comic whose feathers I ruffled.

Here are excerpts from what I wrote:

Here are guidelines for comedians’ websites, as defined by me:

- If you’re funny, but have been on stage less than 10 times, don’t get a website. It’s stupid. What are you advertising? Other than SIDS, nothing is sadder than reading a comic’s bio that covers all facets of his or her comedy “career” when all they’ve done is two open mics at a butcher shop.

- Your website isn’t really doing anything for you if you tell people to check you out at www.websites.com/leftfoot/grimlockhungry16%/pump/tutelidge.htm. We aren’t all Stephen Hawking (or someone with a great memory). Pick something a little easier to remember. “But I’m left-footed and I love Grimlock!” No one cares. Use your name, you stupid whore-faced whore. (Editor’s note: I’m not actually referring to anyone’s sexual lifestyle. It’s just a generic negative adjective.)

- Don’t have a blog if your entries all read, “Last night I had a show. It was pretty cool. More later.” If you do this, I will hate you.

- Don’t include a bio that begins with the following: “One of the best comics working today…” No you aren’t. Chances are, if that were true, people wouldn’t have to read it in your bio. They would already know about you if it were true. Don’t do it especially if any of the other conditions that I listed apply to you.

I noticed a link on a good comic’s website to a comedians message board called nobodylikesme.com. I checked it out and it seemed like a cool site, but it is [infested with] the people that I mentioned. This is an actual post:

“What i notice in this business is that you have to have some sort of gimmick to make it to the top. Like some catch phrase or something like that. Get r done. Tool time what ever. Does anyone have a gimmick. Besides short bus. We know his. Or do you think that is not the way to go. that not having a gimmic is the best way not to be lame. But, if you don't have a gimmic. In a way. That is your gimmick. any thoughts.”

– User from nobodylikesme.com

If you have to ask people about “developing a gimmick,” don’t do comedy. Juggle or do magic or something.

I haven't updated my links in a while, but if you want to check out cool comics' websites, here are a couple that I still need to add to my page:
www.marshallhenry.com
www.tdcpresents.com

Somehow, someone was very offended by that, when it clearly does not call out anyone who actually does comedy or even tries to do it. I have an equal level of respect for someone who does one show per week and struggles through his or her set as I do someone who kills every night. Comedy is a hard thing to do, and it takes a lot of courage to get up in front of a crowd and not know if they’ll like you or not. Now that’s out of the way, here is what Faggy “Left Foot” McGay said:

Anonymous said...

Ryan you are an asshole. Who cares what you think about other comics. Don't be a prick, that won't get you anywhere.

12:31 PM

I have a few issues with this:

-Why remain anonymous? I’m stating my opinion on a website that bears my name, so why did this person remain anonymous? Because his feathers were ruffled.

-Punctuation. How about a comma or a question mark? You could probably split up the run-on too.

-Who cares about what I think? Obviously this person cares enough to not only read it, but to also leave a comment.

-Prick? I stated that it’s annoying when people are delusional. I guess he’s right. That’s a prickish stance to take. Delusion is charming.

-Grow up and don’t insult people through anonymous comments on a blog. That’s very gay. Not in a homosexual way, but more prison-rape gay, which is very unnecessary.