Comedy Spot

I just got back from the Comedy Spot’s open mic. Oh man. Comedy was had, and it was had well. There were only three audience members and they were friends of comics. Most of the comics were very new and it showed, which is cool. Everyone starts somewhere. There were also a couple guys who were ridiculously arrogant, which I think was even funny. I love watching arrogant people fail at anything. It’s like watching the last kid at the Special Olympics cross the finish line. It makes you feel good inside.

Jimmy Merritt hosted and is very funny. He did a new joke that he’s working on about a bunch of people that he knew in high school who cut themselves as an act of leisure. This caused my respect for Jimmy to turn into fear. Who cuts themselves? I’ve never known anyone who does that. I’ve heard about it, but I never thought people actually did it. I assumed it was something made up by the writers of Seventh Heaven because they couldn’t think of a storyline one week. “What happens this week?” – “They… cut... themselves?… I don’t know….” – “Oh, that’s good… then Jesus tells them to “Cut-it-out” and Jesus can even do that Dave Coulier “Cut-it-out” thing when he tells them.” I’ve never seen Seventh Heaven. I could be way off base. Kids, don’t cut yourselves. Stay in school and don’t do drugs.

One guy who was new, and seemed to be a cool guy cracked me up. Jay Hastings pointed out that he looked like the singer from Fine Young Cannibals, which is funny. Now, take that guy to Eddie Bauer, and give him Bryant Gumbel’s voice. Now, imagine that guy saying the word “homey.” Now imagine him saying, “You go girl!” He did it. It’s what’s known in the baseball world as a “curveball.” Nice guy though.

Another guy who cracked me up was a comic named Big Wide. What I liked about him was that when he came out, he said, “My name is Big Wide, and I spell in B-I-G W-I-D-E.” I was like, I think that’s how we all spell Big Wide. He could have just said, “My name is Big Wide, and you could spell it without a problem.” Or “If there’s one thing me and Noah Webster agree on, it’s the spelling of my name.” Nice guy though.

There were actually three people that told the audience what type of joke they were about to tell before they told it. Bizarre… they would be like, “This is a joke that’s pretty cool. It deals with current events…” Just tell it. You aren’t Billy Joel. No one cares about the motivation for the joke. There’s a reason Comedy Central doesn’t have a Storytellers series. One guy even said, “You can relate to this next joke if you’ve ever played baseball…” I don’t even know what to say about that.

At the end of the show, my favorite type of open mic moment occurred. It’s when someone comes from another city and claims to be a big shot and ends up having nothing at all. Jimmy read his intro, which read, “[Blah blah blah]...The next comic is from New York where he works as a professional comedian… please welcome [who cares, I’m going to use his real name] Kris Payne.” He came up and told us that he only does smart material, only to give in a few minutes later and do a Rodney King reference. Then he told us how to spell his name. I guess he noticed that we all had our pens to the paper waiting for the spelling of the professional comedy god's name. Most of us had never seen a professional comedian, so it was a real treat. A real live professional... from New York CITY at that. Holy cow. It was like a movie… or a dream. Then he proceeded to talk about current events and tell us that he was there when every single current event happened. Why did he go to Baghdad to witness the Saddam Hussein trial first hand? Not because he’s so smart, but his answer was because “I risk my life to BRING THE PAYNE (which is how he ended all of his jokes).” Two things. That’s a pun. Puns aren’t necessarily smart. And it’s also the name of a very famous Chris Rock special. After the show, as he left, he shook hands with everyone there. He didn’t tell anyone that they had a good set though. However, when everyone lied to him and gave him the obligatory “Good set” mumble, he shot back, “Definitely.” And at that moment, a Special Olympian crossed the finish line, an angel rode a unicorn off into the sunset, and my heart smiled. I shook hands with a professional comedian.

That was sarcastic.

So, what I'm saying is... if you stumble across a time machine, don't set it for December 11, 2005 at the Comedy Spot.