Lemonade

-I was at Soho last night. A new guy, who was funny and doing pretty well, was on stage. All of a sudden, he paused, said, “Oh shit,” and collapsed. He fell off the stage and hit his head on a table, then lay under the table, unconscious, for about thirty seconds. People were scrambling, calling 911 and engaging in all-around pandemonium. Once the guy got to his feet, he looked around and apologized to everyone. There should be a rule: If you ever pass out and hit your head on a table, you are not allowed to apologize to anyone. No one can get mad at you for passing out. That should be a constitutional amendment. While we’re at it, let’s go ahead and put it in the bible too.

I had never seen anyone pass out before. I didn’t know that you get enough of a warning to say, “Oh shit.” That has to suck to have a split second of knowing that you are about to head-butt a table.

-After Soho last night, I dropped Rory Scovel and Jay Hastings off at their houses. When I was pulling up to Jay’s house, he said, “I hope my hot roommate is hanging out downstairs.” I asked which roommate that is. He replied, “Amy…” As he opened the car door, he said, “I bet Amy’s [vagina] taste’s like lemonade.” Then we heard footsteps in the dark just behind Jay. It was Amy. Jay said hi, and she said hi back, while laughing a little. We don’t know if she heard him or not, but I bet things are going to be a little awkward there for a while. It’s not like Jay can ask her, “Hey, did you hear what I said about your snatch?” He has to walk around, wondering…

-I went to a restaurant in Vegas that had two of those bartenders like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. They toss the bottles all around, catch them behind their backs, etcetera, when all they need to do is pour the stuff into a glass. It’s right in front of them. Just pour it. You don’t have to flip it around. The crazy thing about it was that everyone in the place was losing their minds over these guys. I admit it does look pretty cool, but all it is, is glorified juggling. That’s it. Since when did juggling become cool? Take the bottles out of their hands and give them handkerchiefs. Would people still cheer? I hope not. What I’m saying is there’s no reason for jugglers to have groupies. They are below mimes on the entertainer cool-factor continuum.

-If you live in DC, don’t wear mukluks. It looks silly. There’s no such thing as Alaskan chic, so stop pretending there is. It really does look stupid. Every guy will vouch for me. Mukluks aren’t even cool in Alaska. People just wear them because if they don’t, their feet will freeze and possibly shatter. If you already own them, I won’t hold it against you, but don’t wear them ever again.