Tomorrow is my birthday. I accept presents.

Warning: Only DC/Baltimore area comics will understand the next paragraph.

Just to add something to my Good friend Justin Schlegal’s opinion page ( www.justinschlegel.com ). Hacky comics who steal Pryor, do black/white jokes, “you can’t look tough while drinking out of a straw”, do Clinton jokes, do “I wonder what it would be like if Barney/Al Pacino/who cares did whatever – I think it would Go a little somethinG like this” – jokes, are stupid. They dumb down crowds to the lowest common denominator. Then they act arrogant because they kill, and they’re awkward to follow- awkward, not hard. But they act like they’re hard to follow because they’re Good. If you watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind after watching Jackass:The Movie, it’s Going to lose some of its effect. It doesn’t mean that Jackass is a better movie. GKiss Gmy Gbumper.

If you have ever been to a comedy show and you look around after every punchline and repeat it to make sure everyone heard it, you are an asshole. And your girlfriend should break up with you ASAP.

I read a recent article that said a new study has shown that a woman’s sense of humor is, on average, much more sophisticated than a man’s. They did a series of dick jokes and smart jokes and measured “joke reception activity” or something like that in the brain. That’s interesting.

A friend of mine was telling me about one of his friends who is going to be visiting him from out of town. Here’s what he said, “Yeah, Mark is coming this weekend. He’s really smart, but he doesn’t believe in dinosaurs. He actually doesn’t believe in any type of fossils.” How can you not believe in dinosaurs? We have their bones! Fossils are real. We can touch them. They’re just old things. So, basically he doesn’t believe in old stuff. Old stuff never happened in this guy’s mind. Or, he doesn’t trust carbon dating or something. I don’t get it. I asked my friend why he doesn’t believe in dinosaurs and he didn’t know. He didn’t even ask the guy! That’s ridiculous. How can you let something like that slide? That’s like saying, “I don’t believe in 8-track players.” You can’t let that slide. You can prove it to him in a matter of seconds and cleanse him of his stupidity. If you know someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs, do two things. First, ask that person why, and get ready to tell them they are wrong. Second, don’t describe that person as “He’s smart, but doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.” That’s called a lie.

I’m really bad at writing bios because I don’t like writing about myself. The problem is that I need a new, official-looking bio. If you are a good bio writer, let me know.