What is Santa Claus was black?

I went to the Baltimore Comedy Factory last Friday. Frank Hong was emceeing and Brad Trackman was headlining what I thought would be a normal night of comedy. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I arrived during the middle of the early show, right after Brad went on. There was a group of wannabe thugs (5 guys and a girl), whom I wouldn’t call “wannabe thugs” to their faces. They kind of looked like a Bubba Sparxxx timeline, from skinny Bubba to the Bubba that we all know and don’t love. They were sitting to the left of the stage and not shutting their mouths. Brad said things like, “We get it. You’re big. You can beat people up…” They kept talking, as if people paid to see them yell things like, “Your mom!,” “That’s what she said,” “Ask your sister,” “That’s why you’re gay,” and other witty retorts that you would normally have to crack open The New Yorker to read.

Brad started a conversation with them, thinking that a limited amount of attention might shut them up for the rest of the show, which normally works. During this conversation, we learned a few things. The girl is on the “’fare,” which is a more fun way of saying “welfare.” There’s nothing wrong with being on welfare. The program exists for a reason. But if you’re spending your welfare check on Jager shots at a comedy club, you need some kind of wake-up call. We also learned that the guys aren’t gay, as every sentence they said ended with something to the effect of, “shiiiitttt, I’m not gay, shiiitttt,” which is code for “I wouldn’t mind experimenting if the opportunity presented itself.” And we learned from the girl that “You gotta make somethin’!” No one in the room knew what that meant, but she said it several times for emphasis.

At this point, the management decided it was time to throw these people out. So, the bouncer and the manager walked over and asked them to leave. When they did this, I guess the bouncer touched the biggest Bubba Sparxxx, which he didn’t like. That’s when things turned Ugly. The guys stood up and said, “Don’t put your hands on me. I will fucking kill you…” He said something about having a gun, which made me feel a little unsafe, but didn’t seem to faze the bouncer at all. I guess if he really had a gun, he wouldn’t announce it. Then a bunch of words were exchanged. Nothing was going on onstage. Bubba and the Sparxxx were all on their feet. The bouncer still wasn’t fazed, and ripped the beer bottle out of the biggest guy’s hand and told him to leave. The guy called him a bitch and was threatening to “fuck him up.” Then the guy’s girlfriend ran at Bubba, yelling “Honey, don’t hit him!!! I don’t have bail money tonight.” The key word there is “tonight.” Normally she has to carry bail money around just in case he hits someone. The worst part being that it’s her ‘fare money. I don’t know what causes people to act like this, but I’m going to be a middle-aged white woman and blame it on South Park, Beavis and Butthead, rap music and video games, and not attribute it to the fact that some people are idiots.

The cherry on top of this Baltimore sundae, was once the people were escorted out, the crowd starting yelling, “Only in Baltimore,” as if what had just happened was an amazing work of art. Only in DC: Marvin Gaye performing at a bar right after Thelonius Monk and Duke Ellington left the stage. Only in NY: Bob Dylan, Jeff Buckley and The Ramones developing their talents at open mics. Only in Baltimore: An idiot threatens to kill someone but doesn’t because his baby’s mama forgot to cash her welfare check.

This is from an AP story:

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) -- Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned Western music from Iran's radio and TV stations, reviving one of the harshest cultural decrees from the early days of 1979 Islamic Revolution.

Songs such as George Michael's "Careless Whisper," Eric Clapton's "Rush" and the Eagles' "Hotel California" have regularly accompanied Iranian broadcasts, as do tunes by saxophonist Kenny G.

I’m not in favor of banning music, but if I lived in Iran and that’s all I knew of Western music, banning it would be at the top of my agenda. First of all, I’ve never heard Careless Whisper, but the title sounds like it could be nothing short of extremely gay. Not gay in a George Michael’s is homosexual kind of way, but more so in a “the song is called Careless Whisper” kind of way. I don’t know how the Eric Clapton song snuck in there. Christmas music is really annoying to me, but I think O’ Holy Night is a great song. And if I could get rid of Deck the Halls at the price of losing O’ Holy Night, Christmas music would be gone forever. Onto The Eagles: If I hear Hotel California more than once in a 6 month period, I immediately start drowning puppies. Does anyone actually like that song, or The Eagles in general, who doesn’t also own a Frisbee or a hacky sack? I don’t think so. No comment on Kenny G. His sweet, sweet melodies soothe me like a donkey-kick in the balls. I love that guy.

I’m going to my grandparents’ house outside of Roanoke, VA for Christmas Eve. My family down there is really cool, but my brothers and I have completely different lifestyles from them, which leads to difficult Christmas shopping on both sides. Every year, for I think about 5 years, as we’re about to leave my dad’s house in Roanoke to make the 30 minute drive to my grandparents’, my little brother Jasper has said, “The countdown to opening a new insulated flannel shirt begins now.” And he’s been right every year. Five straight insulated flannel shirts.

That’s it.