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Who Likes Beans? I sure do.
Last night was the Aspen showcase taping at the DC Improv. It was great. The crowd was great too, particularly (in alphabetical order) Lauren and T.J.
I went first, which isn't exactly a desireable place in a lineup. I didn't care though. I had a good set, but with about 45 seconds left in my last bit, I had a brain lapse. I completely forgot my joke and started improvising. This didn't happen because I don't know my joke. It happened because I looked at the corner of the stage and saw a case of cereal sitting about 6 feet from me. Then the following thought process took place: "Why the hell is there cereal on stage. Is this one of those donate a box of cereal and get in for half price types of shows? Why would they keep that on stage? Isn't cereal perishable? Shouldn't they have done canned goods instead? Whoa, is that Batman cereal? That's was only sold for about a month in 1989. Someone is playing a trick on me. Actually, I'm pretty hungry. How can I get that box of Batman cereal off stage without looking like I'm stealing from the homeless. Eating 16 year old cereal is more impressive than my friend John doing shots of butter over the weekend." That went through my head while I was doing the joke. I then realized that they belonged to funny comedian Bob Somerby, who would be using them in his set. Next time, let's warn the other comics that cereal is going to be on stage, okay Bob?
Everyone did well last night. Rob Duffett emceed like it was his job. And it was, so that worked out nicely. Joe Recca, Matt Kazam, Erik Myers, Erin Jackson, Al Goodwin, Jared Stern, Chris White and Roger Mursick all ripped it as well. I really liked watching a 99% clean show, and then seeing Erik say shit, fuck, and motherfucker, all in one sentence. I like it when people push the boundaries. I may be forgetting people, but everyone did well.
Nothing is more confusing than someone walking up to you to say something if they are laughing the whole time. I don't know what to do in this situation. Do I laugh to make them feel comfortable? Nothing funny is happening. Why are they laughing? The show has been over for 15 minutes. If you are one of those people, as Danny Rouhier says, "Get that shit handled."
Seriously, if you don't have any of Jeff Buckley's albums yet, get on it.
Everyone should come out to Dr. Dremos tonight... New Shit! New Shit!
Aus.

Don't Call It A Comeback!
I just got back from Las Vegas. Holy fun. From Thursday through Monday, I only slept 10 hours. The rest of the time... fun.
I learned many a thing there and probably have about 30 minutes of new material, much of it related to the following lessons.:
1) Don't take a helicopter ride at a strip mall. At some point they may ask you to pedal.
2) Bartenders like the ones in Cocktail don't impress me at all. They are no better than a regular bartender who pours the Jack and Coke straight into the glass. All they are is jugglers in disguise. Jugglers are about 4 steps below magicians on cool-heirarchy of perfomrers.
3) We went into a magic store to absorb its patrons and heard the following: "David Blaine is an pretty good magician, but his stage presence leaves something to be desired." No comment.
4) I saw a guy play a key-tar. There is a picture of it on my pictures or fun page.
5) A lap dance is not going well if you have to tell the stripper to "FOCUS."
6) A lap dance is going extremely well if the cross on her necklace falls into your mouth and it takes a day for you to realize how wrong that is. Didn't taste like sin at the time.
7) My friend John will do shots of butter for $6. That's below crack-whore standards.
8) I bought a sketch of me and Danny Rouhier facing each other. It will be on the website as soon as I can make that happen, as well as many other pictures. My friend Glen called this purchase, my "best decision ever as a consumer." I like that.
9) Danny Rouhier can subtley insult anyone as well as anyone on the planet. There was a drunk girl at a blackjack table with him, Rory and myself. All of us took some shots, but Danny was the best. After the 40th time that she yelled, "Everyone say Yay Jamie," because she won a hand, Danny replied. "No. I'm not saying 'yay Jamie.' Maybe if you only said it after big hands, I would. But you say it after every hand. It's lost it's lustre. You don't say 'boo Jamie" after you lose a hand. Why is that?" Then she tried to interrupt him. He shot back, "Jamie, I'm going to need a little simmer down from you." Then a loser at the table tried to suck up to Jamie by saying, "I'm a big fan of the spirit." Danny deadpanned, "Look, no one is anti-spirit okay. I have no problem with spirit. Just act like you've been here okay. That's all I'm saying. Just act like you've been here. If you haven't... pretend.
10) If a cab driver is an asshole, you can call his wife the c-word and he will agree with you.
I think that is all for now.

More to come...

Come to the Improv tonight. I'm on a show that is being taped for the HBO's US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen.

Hooray for Jokes!
Last night I hosted the finals of the DC Comedy Showcase at the Improv. It was a great show from top to bottom. XM recorded it too, so that's cool. I did a couple jokes that heavily rely on a visual. Not a smart move for radio. Nevertheless, I had a good set. Then all of the comics on the show did well. Jeremy Schachter, a NY guy, who is a friend of a friend, ripped it and won. He really had a nearly flawless set, other than a couple stumbles in the first minute. Then Frank "the Comedy Tank" Hong, came out, slowed the pace of the show down and killed with his smart, off the wall stuff. If you've never seen him, do so. It's an experience. He's one of my 10 favorites of every comic in the country. Then Jeff Maurer performed well, but didn't connect with the audience like he usually does. Not sure what happened there. He's new, so he'll figure it out. Then Danny "Somehow didn't place in the top 3" Rouhier came out and crushed. It really was a great set. The judges fucked up. Too bad they can't un-fuck up (Homage to Danny). This is getting too long, so I will say that Seaton Smith, Sean Gabbert and David Angelo, were all great. David is the first comic I've ever seen get a crowd going by slurping a drink. Truly inventive. What a class act. And he came from Chicago for the show.
Also, Larry Lancaster, who went at the end of the show, went over well. The thing about him that cracked me up was that his intro said that he was a stunt double for Lenny Kravitz. It was serious too. In what situation would Lenny Kravitz need a stunt double? He's a musician. It's not a dangerous profession. Does Lenny need doubles in his videos of slow ballads where he's laying in a bed with a feather boa around his neck? As far as I know, that's all of his videos other than "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" "Lenny has a fragile neck. Feathers can't be touching it. Stunt double!"
The highlight of the night was the Doug Powell set at the end of the show. If you weren't there, picture strippers and midgets feeding you ice cream that is laced with happy and walnuts. I will do everything in my power to post this video on my website. I know it would make more sense to post video of myself, but I don't care.
I'll have a couple more dates posted today, and hopefully new pictures today or tomorrow.
I'm going to Las Vegas tomorrow for 4 days. Good blogging to come. I am such a loser.

Not much going on right now.
I have a few new shows to add, but I'll do that tomorrow when I have other big news to report.
Come to the DC Improv tonight. Doug Powell is going to do something amazing.

Fun Times For All!
I just wrapped up my first weekend of featuring at the DC Improv. I had a great time and have now done 14 25-45 minute sets in the past 10 days, so I can't wait to get back to Soho to do 8 minutes for people who are reading Jane Eyre. That's gonna be a blast. It reminds me that after the late show on Friday, a guy came up to me and said, "I really thought you were great... Why don't you do a Comedy Central Special?" Then it hit me... maybe my plan for success through coffee shop open mics has been misguided. Maybe Comedy Central is the path to take. I don't know. It almost sounds too common sensical to work. Who knows, maybe I'll sign up for a Comedy Central Special today before other people think of doing it.
Thanks to the guy from Duke Ellington who spoke to me Friday night.
Thanks to the 4 UMD girls last night who talked to us after the show, especially the one who said that she was going to tell everyone that she made out with me. I'm not sure what good can come out of that plan. I just don't think anyone would have a reaction to that. My name doesn't really carry any weight in the streets at this point. "I made out with Ryan Conner." "Who?" "The comic." "Shut up." I think that's how it will go down.
Tomorrow is the finals of the DC Comedy Showcase at the Improv (airing on XM Radio). I'm hosting, and a lot of my friends are on the show. Also, there will be a special treat at the end of the show featuring Doug Powell.
I will be posting pictures from the shows very soon, as well as some really cool pictures of myself and Rory hanging out with the Rat Pack.

I love doing comedy.
Wednesday's show at the DC Improv was a little tight, with the crowd not understading anything abstract, but last night was "off the chain" as Larry Poon says. The crowd was really good, but still not great, which makes me think this weekend will be even better.
Four weird things happened during/after the show.
-First, when doing a joke about the war on drugs, a yuppie looking couple in the front cheered when I said the war on drugs doesn't make sense. It was weird because not only did they not look the part, but also the room was relatively quiet as I was setting up the joke, and this loud cheer comes from Zack and Kelly (from The College Years). I think they did it so they would look cool. Mission failed.
-There was a flashing red light towards the back of the room. It was a little distracting, so I addressed it about 5 minutes into my set. It was a bachelorette party. I asked what the red light had to do with the fact that it's a bachelorette party. One girl yelled out that it's so everyone will know that she's getting married. That made sense to me. Whenever I see a flashing light, I always figure that someone must be getting married.
Most bachelorette parties go the whore route and wear all kinds of penises as decoration. If you do this, I hate you. This group decided to go the obscure route and dress completely normal, except for a flashing light on one girl. If I just saw that on the street I would assume it's so everyone remembers which girl is the retarded one or something like that. They could even be "Punking" people with epilepsy. I wouldn't know.
But they took a picture with me after the show and all seemed to be cool.
-Someone booed when I said that Transformers are stupid. Come on people. It's not that serious.
-After the show a girl came up to me. She was very tall and attractive. She got my attention. I turned around and she was holding her hand up fairly high, like a seig heil or something. I had no idea what was going on. So I asked, "Are we high-fiving or what's going on?" She confirmed that and we completed the high-five. It was a pretty good one. Then she paused and said, "So, do you... SPEAK here often?" I got confused. I couldn't tell if she was serious... she did just give me a high-five. The conversation wrapped up nicely though with a handshake that I had previously only seen on Cribs. With the tall, attractive, high-five, "speak," and handshake, this girl threw quite a few curveballs. I respect that. Girl, if you are reading this, come to another show and I will be ready for both the high five and the handshake. I will be speaking at the Improv all weekend.

Variety Pack
Cindy Sheehan, the woman who is protesting at the Bush ranch, is officially very crazy. She has recommended that "we" impeach everyone from the president down to "the person who picks up dog shit in Washington." That's just delusion, Cindy. First of all, "we" can't impeach anyone. Also, there isn't one person or even a coalition of people who pick up dog shit in DC. And if there were, I doubt it would be the type of job where the citizens would have the power of impeachment. And why would you impeach someone who is picking up shit. Have a little sympathy. "Yeah, Tom does pick up the dog shit, but he's so old school about it, I say we impeach him. He's like the Bob Cousy of picking up dog shit. Short shorts, only using his right hand... We need to get somebody like A-I out there. Cross some mufuckas over." Sorry Cindy, I don't think the dog shit removal process works like that.
The show at the Improv was cool. Rory, DC Benny and myself all did a good job.
I talked a bit of trash about the T.S. Muttley's a couple weeks ago, because they leave their TVs on and the crowd is 80 feet away from the comic who is standing in the dark. I was told last night that they are fixing all of those problems and moving the show to Wednesdays. Thank you Jesus. You really do love me.

Retarded Glen Close
I have posted a few new pictures on the "fun" page. I even included a thumbnail and a couple links on other pictures. We're entering the future... slowly.
The girl with the "On a Mission" t-shirt is comedian Jon Mumma's neighbor. She's a crazy stalker who claims that "[she] can pretty much take any size cock." Whoa. I didn't want to know that either. According to Jon, she has cigar burns all over one of her forearms.
The Peter Pan picture must be clicked on and you must read everything on this guy's website. It is magical.
Coming soon... a picture of a very funny Tom Delay t-shirt.
I have a new joke that starts off talking about Global Warming, then touches on the south, then the great flood and other biblical references. It's very confusing. It was very funny when I thought of it on stage, but but now I can't remember what I said.
I will be featuring at the DC Improv from tonight through Sunday with Rory Scovel emceeing and
DC Benny headlining. Come on down.

I am tired as hell from doing shows in Richmond the past two nights and driving home after the shows.
I will be featuring at the DC Improv with DC Benny this week. Check it out.
I added some links, who I somehow overlooked when I put the page up - Chris White and Odessy Michaels.
I also put a picture on the pictures page. I've decided that on that page will be the picture of the week. The "Fun" page will continue to have pictures I have taken with my phone, for some reason.
I am too tired to attempt to be funny.
Jeffrey Ross ripped it up in the Comedy Central Roast.

The Weekend.
I was at LafterHours on Friday and Saturday with Matt Kazam. We had a good time. It's a fun room to work stuff out, and Ted X and Pauline are doing a good job of getting that room going. Only problem - you know how if you go to a concert and the band plays a Bob Dylan song, the band will say, "This is a Bob Dylan song"? The emcee did Rob Cantrell's, Dane Cook's, Daniel Tosh's, Dave Chappelle's, Brian Regan's and countless others' jokes and pretended they were his. It was lovely. The most encouraging thing was that he was writing frantically during mine and Matt's sets. He was probably just doing that to remember the brilliance of our jokes, not to perform them later. I told Rory Scovel about this guy and he had a point, if you bomb doing other people's material, do you even care or do you just think that the person who wrote it sucks? What I'm trying to say is I admired his integrity.
One fun thing I did at that show was my Confederate States of America joke. The joke puts down people who have Confederate flags on their cars, and the ridiculous "Southern Pride" that goes along with it. I like doing it when there are obviously rednecks in the crowd. I'll do it when my set is going really well to see if the rednecks turn against me. They did. This too, was lovely. I don't mind being the bad guy if it's because of my anti-racism stance.
I was in Richmond last night and will be again tonight. Good times. Ray Bullock is a cool guy. 955 Comedy is cool too. Check it out.

Aspen Comedy Festival
I was just confirmed for a showcase where I will be taped for submission for the Aspen Comedy Festival (HBO's US Comedy Arts Festival). It's on August 30th at the Improv. Be cool and come out. I need a great tape from this.

I love Strawberries and Cream Oatmeal.
With that said, don't buy organic Pop Tarts from Trader Joes. They are nasty and don't even resemble a real Pop Tart. So, if you want your Strawberry Pop Tarts to taste like Strawberry Pop Tarts, you're going to have to go synthetic.
I did Topaz last night and found out that apparently I'm one of like five people who reads the news. Somehow, in a room of about 40 people, none of them had ever heard of a situation in a third world country where people flocked to some type of stain or malformed vegetable and claimed it beared the resemblance of the Virgin Mary. Rory Scovel's girlfriend, Jordan, recommended that I say Our Lady of Guadalupe instead. I think she's one of the five people who reads. If they've never heard of the Virgin Mary, Our Lady of Guadalupe might make their heads explode. Or, maybe the joke just isn't that good.
I watched the Family Guy where Peter goes blind from eating too many nickels. Check it out.
I think that's all I have for now.
I forgot to mention that I updated my links page, and the shows page too.

I updated my website. I have added pictures to the Fun page, only realizing later that I should have put them on the Pictures page. My bad. I also added a few new shows.
If you're into reading books, read The Aquariams of Pyongyang, by Kang Chol-Hwan.
If you're into music, listen to Jeff Buckley's Grace. Somehow, I just found out about this.
Dr. Dremos was cool last night. Curt's silver tie looked as good as the day he got it.
I have nothing else to say.

This just in...
I'll be featuring at LafterHours Comedy Club on Friday at 8 and Saturday at 8 and 10 with Matt Kazam. For info, go to www.lafterhours.com
Also, tomorrow I plan to do a lot of updates on the site.

Seaton "The Comedy Monster" Smith
Last night was the showcase at the Improv. Everyone on the show did a great job. Adam Jacobs killed it, but was early on the show and that may have hurt him. A young guy named Davy Andrews had great material, but he was very new and green. If he puts in the time, he'll be great. Brian Kerns killed too, and tied for second with Eddie Bryant, who I'm a big fan of as well. But Seaton was a comedy machine last night. He has so much command of the stage, that I think he could say anything and people would be locked in. The fact that he has really good material on top of that presence locked it up for him. He has the best joke about 9/11 t-shirts. If you see him, ask about it.
Jeremy Essig, a comic friend of mine from St. Louis did a set too and killed. This guy is good. Watch out for him.
And Rob Cantrell hosted and did his thing. Great comic. Probably the most original out there.

In other news...
I got a haircut yesterday. It was traumatic. I requested "a trim... if you could just even it up, that would be great." Then the woman gave me her interpretation of my haircut, which is similar to that of a kindergarten teacher or David Brenner. My hair was almost at my shoulders and she cut it nearly military length. There was a confrontation, but not until after she already cut out a huge chunk. At that point, there was no turning back. She had to finish ruining my life.
I don't understand why it's impossible to get a good haircut. All hair people have incredible egos and no matter what you say, they'll cut your hair how they like it. She actually said to me, "but I like it like this." I had to lay it down for her. I said, "Look, in about 20 minutes you'll have nothing to do with my haircut, so do what I ask. Don't try to get me ready to go to Dream. I don't do that kind of shit." She got pissed off. I also found out that she doesn't approve of me doing comedy because she doubts it pays well. I really want to stab her. She had a nice rack.
Buy Jeff Buckley's albums.
I realize this wasn't a funny entry. I'm fine with that.

I'm back, sucka!
I've been out of commission for a week, as my 24-hour HIV turned into the 7 day AIDS. I hope that wasn't offensive.
I'm better now though.
If you or anyone you know has a baby or a pet that needs to be named, contact me. I want to name something, preferably a baby girl, "Gary, King of Cyborgs." This is my dream. Let's make it happen.
The Kumite finals have been locked in for October 27th. There are going to be some really good comics on that show, including: Rory Scovel, Erin Conroy, Larry Poon, Frank Hong, Justin Schlegel, Zach Toczynski & Chris White. I'll be there too. I don't care who wins... as long as it's not Hong... that smarmy bastard.
I went four hours south to a family reunion this past weekend. It was very pointless. "Hi. I'm Vicky. Your great uncle is my brother's nephew. Let's be friends." Sorry Vicky, but I don't really care. If I had a dollar for every person who said, "Your hair is long," I could have bought a whip to smack everyone in the mouth before they repeated it the next time we ran into each other.
Also, I saw an Iroc-Z with "Git 'r done" spraypainted on its side. That will be on the pics page soon. In the south, that's the equivalent of of a Mexican seeing the Virgin Mary in a taco.
That's it for now.
Watch the Bears tonight.

Soho is back on!
The owners gave in and comedy at Soho will continue. I'm inclined to think it's because they read my blog yesterday and saw that I called it an illogical decision. No coffee shop wants to be branded as illogical. At least not when I'm the mayor. What?
I was extremely sick yesterday, but am getting better. I think it's a case of the 24 hour HIV... much worse than the 24 hour flu, but also less contagious.
Somehow an average of 45 people have read my blog each day. Who are you?
Larry Poon is a great comic.
Pete Waterman is going to get it.
The Space Station is 2 for 2.
My friend John just made a documentary about the local rap and r+b scene. One artist (Supress) can be quoted as saying, "Niggaz die out here, son! My thugs is real, homie! You can get it by the bars....you can get it by the gun...it don't matter!"
It don't matter at all.

Soho Tea and Coffee Tonight @ 9PM - 22nd and P, by Dupont Circle
Tonight is the last night of Soho Tea and Coffee's open mic. It's a great show and run by my friend, Paul Schorsch. It's illogical to end the show's run, since it's packed every Monday, however some people don't make good decisions. So, please do the comedy community a favor and come out and support Paul and Soho's last show. Then, when the owners see an empty house next week, they'll realize that they screwed up.