Death Cab For Cutie is a crappy, overrated band

Get your tickets today –

Sometime in March, I will be opening for Mitch Fatel and Demetri Martin at Lisner Auditorium at GW.

Wiseacres-Dremos-

Last night I did a benefit at Wiseacres. Good crowd, good comics, good show. Thanks to Diesel for putting me on. I got to try some new stuff out that I haven’t done at non-open mics yet, and it worked very well.

After my set there, I tried to do a set at Dremos but arrived too late. I probably could have left that out of the blog.

Nothing funny has been written yet… keep reading.

Poon Sentence of the Day –

Two days ago I had Larry Poon’s sentence of the day when I told him, “You’re right! I am the DILF Hunter!” Well guess what? Larry didn’t stop giving out awards on Tuesday. I got the back-to-back title yesterday when I told him, “I kind of like the rape and murder idea.” I didn’t actually mean what it sounds like when taken out of context. That’s what wins awards, people.

Joe Rogan-

Joe Rogan is cool. He wrote a huge posting on his website about Carlos Mencia stealing jokes, as well as hacks in general. I forgot what his website is. Search for it and read it.

Doodads-

Before yesterday, I had never heard anyone refer to genitals as “doodads.” Now I have. I think time stopped for a few seconds when the person said it.

Unrelatable comics-

Andy Kline, the great comedian, and I were talking yesterday about comics who do material that no one can relate to. I like stuff that is so imaginative and abstract that you can’t really relate to, but can understand. But there are a lot of comics out there that you watch and just say, “What? What is he talking about?” The example Andy and I came up with is this:

“You know what the worst part of having your dog lick your asshole is?”

What? Your dog licks your asshole? It’s happened enough that you know which aspects are good, bad and the worst? You have a microphone in your hand? Let me have it. Put the microphone down.

Aspen/USNews –

This section should be called Awesome News 2000. I did an interview for a story in US News and World Report. Yesterday I found out that the story will not run after all. 5 million people would have read my name, but now they won’t. Awesome!!!!!!!!

Part two in this awesome news bulletin – I just found out that I did not get in to HBO’s US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. Awesome!!!!!!!! I need to do more family material to get in to something like this. Awesome!!!!! I need more of an “angle” for TV. Awesome!!!!!!!! Seriously, I didn’t expect to get in, because I don’t think my stand-up would translate into a sit-com at all,as I don't really tell one big story. And that’s what this festival is for. It was an honor to be considered, as this is one of the three most prestigious festivals in the world. Awesome!!!!!!! Thanks to Ilana and Matt for their respective opportunities.

The reason I started doing stand-up is because I was writing stuff for TV. After two years of that, I had a lot of material that would not work for TV, so I tried it out as stand-up, and it has worked. I don’t like the idea of having stuff work for both. I prefer stand-up that will only work in that medium, and vice versa. Cosby and Seinfeld are the only guys who I think are great at both. There’s a reason Hedberg, Attell and Brian Regan never had sit-coms. Their stuff would never translate. (By the way, I’m not comparing myself to any of them.)

Kumite-

October 27^th is the Kumite finals at the Comedy Spot. Larry Poon is going to win. If he doesn’t, I will declare shenanigans. Regardless, he and I talked about what I am going to do there. Come see it. It’s not going to be any material that I’ve ever done before, but it will be hilarious to comics, and maybe a few other people.

Justin Schlegel-

Justin is what I like to call a wordsmith. He is great at stringing words together. Even if he doesn’t know what he’s saying, he always figures out what words to use to make it sound like everything that comes out of his mouth is gold. Very good, Justin.

However, when describing me on his website, it confuses me. This is how he describes me: “Genius, socialite, blinker”

Genius – Not gonna argue against that one.

Socialite- Not so sure. When I’m not doing a show, I can be found doing the following: playing guitar; sitting down for no apparent reason; playing Winning 11 on PS2; reading a book; hunting DILFs; and occasionally I’ll do this microderm abrasion thing, that is kind of gay, but so refreshing that I don’t care if it’s gay. Notice that none of those things involve other people, except DILF hunting, which I don’t actually do. I’m not so sure that’s the resume of a socialite.

Blinker – Have a heart, Schlegel. I have dry eyes. I can’t help it. Now I wear contacts, which has made the problem worse. Give me a break. I have a friend who has dry eyes and tight eyelids. Do you want to make fun of him too? What about rape and murder? How about if you make fun of rape and murder too?

Also, if Justin gets in your car, he will have an allergic reaction to your music if it doesn’t contain references to dragons or hydra.

Abortion

Text messages, coffee and horticulture, oh my!

I said the following statement to Larry Poon yesterday, via text message: "You're right. I am the DILF Hunter." He named it the quote of the day. Ahh... Poon. Expect to see the DILF Hunter, Larry's idea, in the future. If you aren't sure of what DILF Hunter refers to, please use the internet for things other than reading blogs. You aren't using it to its fullest potential. Wake up.
I had a meeting with people concerning something last night. The only details of the meeting that I can disclose is that Jon Mumma has an enormous coffee maker and Frank Hong occasionally brings seedless watermelons to meetings. Why? Because he grows them in his apartment in Baltimore. Seriously Frank, could you be any more Asian? Use the internet. DILF Hunter, man. DILF Hunter.
If you aren't a fan of Radiohead's Amnesiac, particularly the songs "You and Whose Army" and "Life in a Glass House," listen to them and you will be.
Aus.

And... relax...

Warning: What you are about to read is not funny at all. I will try to be funny next time.

This post may only be understood by comics. Sorry. If you aren't a comic, it may give you some insight into the glamorous world of stand-up.
Here is what happened: Someone who is in my sketch group, whom I will also be doing regular stand-up shows with, made a comment on his website that said that we (members of our group) are the "7 best comics in DC." He wasn't actually bragging or knocking anyone else. It was a jokey, over-the-top marketing idea. I think he said we will change the world too. It's a joke. Considering the context of the comment, it seems obvious that people would understand that. Oops... Now the DC comedy community has turned into an awful episode of Guiding Light, if Guiding Light was about comics with fragile egos and a constant need for self-validation. People are writing and talking about it. And it is unnecessary.
People aren't always put on certain shows because they're the best comic available (eg. David Brenner is famous), but rather because they fit the show better than others that are available. That is the case of our sketch troupe, Satellite. It is seven OF THE best comics in DC who are like-minded and good writers. We have the same crowd, except Justin Schlegel, who specializes in coal miners. We find the same things funny. And we all bring something different to the table. That's it. It is nothing personal to anyone. We also share the same pool of groupies. That's normal in this biz.
Big up, Larry Poon. Yeah, that's right. I'm the first person to say "big up" since 2002. I'm probably the best in the DC area at doing it too.
Whatever.

Hippies and other things

I just typed for an hour and it was erased. Compose off-line Ryan. Off the motherfucking line.

Semi-colon section;

I am 24 years old. I have always excelled in English. I read every day. I tested out of my senior-level English courses in college. But I have no idea of how semi-colons work. I’m not even confident that a hyphen goes in the middle of the word. How does this happen?

Like I said, I read every day. However, I don’t see very many semi-colons in the books that I read (Highlights Magazine), and when I do, I always think, “Why didn’t they just use a comma or a period, or anything less awkward.” Someone, please tell me what to do with semi-colons. I don’t know why this bothers me, but it does. Seriously, email me (ryanconner@gmail.com) and tell me how I got this far with out knowing how to use the comma’s gay cousin.

Hippiefest Section:

Here’s the thing. I am a huge Radiohead fan, to the point that I think all of my friends are annoyed by it. I am convinced that whenever anyone gets out of my car, even if I’ve known them for 15 years, they call another friend and the following conversation takes place: “I just got out of Ryan’s car… Yeah, Radiohead… I don’t know what his problem is. According to him, I don’t ‘get’ Motion Picture Soundtrack. I told him I think it’s a good song… He said “Good? What? Just good?” Then he made me listen to it 12 times in a row. If I blinked or looked out the window, we started over... He told me what the song is about, when and why it was written. Apparently that’s a real harp in the song… I think he needs help… I bet Ryan is great in bed… I don’t know, I just think that he would be.”

That conversation happens every time, and I still don’t change my music listening habits, because I know they’ll only end up saying that I’m probably great in bed. That’s called a trade-off. Plus, have you listened to Radiohead? It’s amazing.

The reason I bring up Radiohead, is that there was a rumor that they were going to perform at Operation: Ceasefire on Saturday. If you aren’t familiar with Operation: Ceasefire, it was an anti-war rally on the mall that was just as much an anti-soap and sanity rally as anything else.

I arrived around 6:30. Here are some of the things I saw, in brief. I will delve into them more on stage.

-A guy holding a sign that read: “Need a ride to NC. Will drive.” One: That’s commitment to go to DC from North Carolina without a ride home. Two: The fact that he was a white guy with dreads would void any argument this guy has ever made.

-No bands were playing at first. Instead it was crazy talk time. The purpose of this protest was the war in Iraq. Here are the subjects they talked about: Native Americans, global warming (they cited a statistic that didn’t even make sense), CAFTA, the US military’s plan to “nuke Hanoi” (maybe the craziest statement of the night) and every other buzzword that is on the tip of every hacky-sack owner’s tongue.

-An announcement that they would hold a “Non-Violence Training Session.” What? That’s just stupid. I assume they put people in rooms filled with miscellaneous items and say, “Don’t hit the items… Good session.”

-An assortment of skin-heads… at a peace rally. I guess they were promoting their new slogan, “Peace through Hate.” I kept them in my line of sight at all times. They are a scary group of people. At one point, the skin-heads, I can think of no proper word but ‘scurried’… they scurried to the front to see some Green Day knock-off . If you’re a skin-head, don’t scurry. Don’t run franticly. Don’t frolic. Don’t do anything like that. It confuses people.

-A couple slow-danced to an awful impression of the president. There was no music, and it sounded more like he was doing an impression of someone from Hee-Haw. Yet, they slow-danced.

-There was a group called P.U.R.E. I forgot what their name stands for, but their objective is to spread peace through dance. I hate hippies so much.

-The emcee was ranting about the media. He said, “… and we live in a country that gets outraged when they see Janet Jackson’s titty. Outraged at Janet Jackson’s titty?” Come on buddy. If you’re trying to send a message to the president, try to refrain from using the word “titty.” He’s probably going to write you off right there. You think Kofi Annan is talking about “titties” when he’s criticizing the U.S.? No. That’s partly why people listen to him. Next time, say boobies.

-A guy approached us as we were leaving and said, “Notice that the lights are out in the White House? What does that tell you?” I just nodded to get him to shut up. But it was about 1AM. People were probably sleeping. That’s my guess.

-One of the funniest moments came when we were leaving and a guy was rolling a huge, metal peace sign that was at least 10 feet in diameter. It was coming up from behind, and Rory was in his way. Kyle, Rory’s roommate, calmly said, “Rory, watch out for the peace wheel.” He said it like he would tell someone to watch out for a wheelchair. You probably had to be there for that one.

-Nothing makes you feel like more of a 50 year old, pretentious woman than being at a bar where everyone orders dark beers, and you order a glass of wine. It was an impulse purchase. I’m sorry to anyone I may have offended.

-Radiohead did not show up.

I saw a guy on Metro this morning. He was wearing a shirt that said, “Who Would Jesus Be?” Jesus, right? That seems really simple.

miscellaneous typos

uno: Discovery
I was interviewed for a show on Discovery, called Pop Nation. The episode is about late night talk shows and won't air for a while. I have two things to say about this interview. One: The producer was great at her job. Two: They only interviewed one other comic/entertainer for the episode. That person: Ed McMahon. Step back. Breathe. Process that information. How do you feel? I bet it rhymes with funderful. That's how I feel.

dos: Dremos
Dr. Dremos was amazing on Wednesday. It was packed and we raised a lot of money for Hurricane Katrina. I think she'd be proud.
I also tried out all new material and all of it crushed. It was my first time in a while of doing a set of all new stuff that is good.

tres: RFD
All confidence gained at Dremos was shattered last night at RFD. It was another charity show. I think we raised about 40 bucks. The folks at the American Red Cross are going to go crazy when they receive that check. Maybe we should deliver it on one of those giant sweepstakes checks, so that everyone understands the degree of generosity of the donation. Hopefully the $40 will cover the gas money to the bank and they'll still have enough money left over to get someone a pack of Trident.
Eight people were in the crowd. One was a complete idiot who talked to me constantly during my set. Example: "Most girls I know set their clocks ahead by like 20 minutes..." Her: "15 minutes. I set mine 15 minutes ahead." She would interject during every joke to ensure that it had a direct application to her life. When I would stop and talk to her to find out why no one has killed her yet, she wouldn't say a word. Normally, I don't address the crowd at all, but I had no choice but to "lay into her." The crowd laughed. I figured she would shut up because everyone just laughed at her expense. Then, 15 seconds later, she yelled, "Drink beer!"
After the show, Kunty, came up to me and apologized, saying she was an ass because she was drinking too much. I was the next to last comic. Therefore, I was on stage 10 minutes before she apologized. She did not sober up in that time. Which means that she was fully aware that she was being an ass and ruining everyone's night. I hate her. I hate her a lot. I hope she gets a serious disease and is forced to reexamine her life.

cuatro: cincinatti? say what?
Do you know what sucks more than having to turn down a high-paying show for around 100 sorority girls so that you can keep your commitment to perform at a club in Cincinatti (we're almost Kentucky), Ohio? Nothing.

Discovery Channel, etc...

Chapter One: Discovery
I'm doing an interview tomorrow for a show on the Discovery Channel called "Pop Nation." It's similar to the pop culture shows on VH-1, from what I understand. There are a couple interesting things here. They asked me if they could interview me for the show. At no point did they ask me if I watch TV. Had they know that the answer to that question is "no," I don't think I would be doing the interview. I watch sports, Ali G, Reno 911!, South Park, Family Guy and Curb Your Enthusiasm. And if a comic I like is on a late night show, I'll watch that segment. That's all I watch. I don't browse through the channels. I couldn't tell you what show Jennifer Garner is on. I couldn't name one character from friends. I do know that Terri Hatcher is on a show called Desperate Housewives (as is really hot actress whose name I don't know, and I only know that because she is dating Tony Parker), and I only know about Terri Hatcher because she looks a lot like Phoebe Cates, who was in The Gremlins. I am going to let these people down.
I found out that the episode is about late night talk shows and their role in stand-up and vice versa. They sent me questions, and my answers are supposed to be funny. The problem is that the answers to the questions are all facts. There are no opinions. How am I supposed to be funny stating facts? When was the Declaration of Independence signed? July 4, 1776... git 'er done... I don't know how to be funny when stating facts. Maybe I should bring a foam hammer and hit myslef over the head after each answer.
Also, the questions are about other comics, and show hosts. I can't make fun of them. "You know I'd really love to do the Tonight Show, but while we're on the subject, isn't Leno a douche?" That may hurt the cause.
I have no idea how this is going to turn out.

Chapter Two: Boston
I just found out that the two hacks (there, I said it) who advanced in my round in Boston, finished 2nd and 3rd in the contest/festival. Also, I found out that the girl, who finished third, bombed in every round. I hate contests, Boston, hacks and Aerosmith.

Chapter Three: Kumite
I am in the Kumite Tournament of Champions on October 27th. This excerpt is from www.dcstandup.com : "The first matchup pits Ryan Conner v. Rory Scovel. They're former tag champs, but that partnership is officially dead -- because there ARE NO FRIENDS IN THE OCTAGON." That's right, I'm up against my friend and former tag team partner, Rory, in the first round. Let's find out who is Shawn Michaels and who is Marty Jannetty. (That reference was for six people.)
It should be fun and I don't think anyone actually cares who wins. I'm actually rooting for Larry Poon.

Chapter Four: Showcase
Last night was the DC Improv Showcase. Jon Mumma won. He was great. Alicia Gomes got second. She's new to the area and is hilarious. Doug Hecox, King of the Groaners, tied in second. He opened with the following line, which I thought was funny. When reading this picture someone who looks like a white accountant saying it. "D.C. Chocolate Cit-ay. I have no idea what that means." Marc Bleicher was also great, in what I think was his first time performing on a good stage. Other comics on the show who also did a good job - Leslie Cooley, Tommy Taylor, Bigg Mike, Ginny Allen and Kenney Speed.

Epilogue:
Then End.

Satellite Comedy, Rory is a dick, etc...

A few things...
Jon Mumma reached out to shake Rory Scovel's hand at Soho last night. Rory appeared to be looking right at him. Then Rory turned his head slightly to the left and kept walking. In terms of all-time dick moves, it was pretty high up on the list. It was definitely an accident, but it looked like Rory just found out that Jon slept with his girlfriend or something. But Rory has known that for a while, so that couldn't have been the problem.
Soho was so dead last night. Thanks to Paul Schorsch, who runs it, for not showing up. I have seen very few bad crowds there when he hosts. But everytime someone else hosts, the crowd sucks. It's not the host's fault. Paul just has the ability to draw lots of gay men into coffee shops. Big up, Paul.
Radiohead is nasty.
If you want to be cool, I am part of a new stand-up "crew",called Satellite, that you should come see. Our first show is going to be at Topaz Hotel on October 22nd. This will be a real, showcase style show. The room will be transformed from its open mic night appearance, to a real comedy room. There is a $5 cover, but for the line-up you'll get, that is really cheap.
Members of the "crew":Frank Hong, Rory Scovel, Danny Rouhier, Ryan Conner, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegal and Doug Powell.
I guarantee this show will be great from top to bottom. Tell your friends.

There is a new girl doing comedy in the DC area, named Alicia Gomes. Holy funny. Be on the lookout.
Todd Barry is an amazing comic. I did a set on his show at the Improv on Sunday. It was fun.
I thought I had funny things to say when I started writing this. My bad.

Danny Rouhier has a fantastic mustache.

Danny Rouhier has a mustache like this.
I saw Dick Gregory in Chinatown after a show last weekend. I have a lot of respect for him, but it was weird seeing him. First of all, it was weird because he is a legend. Secondly, because he was by himself, walking through Chinatown. A lastly, because I thought he died about 6 months ago.
I am so below average at Fantasy Football it is ridiculous. I never have great weeks and I seldom have awful weeks. It's always like, "Man, that wasn't a great week. Could have been worse, I guess. It wasn't bad enough to quit though." I'm the comedy equivalent of someone who gets small laughs, but never gets better. People are like, "How was [insert name]'s set?" People would take a deep breath before answering, then finally say, "You know... it happened. It was... kind of... okay... I guess." Then people feel awkward and walk away.
My website will be heavily updated today around 6PM EST. There literally are updates on every page except the bio page. I added a second page of pictures too.
The Paz was cool last night. Danny has a mustache. I did all new stuff and all but one joke appears to be good. Stay tuned.
Erin Conroy has a website that will be coming soon.
I'm being interviewed for my first nationally televised show next Friday. Look out.

Wet Chest

Last night I did a show at UMD with Demetri Martin. It was a very cool show. There were between 500 and 600 people in the audience. Demetri was hilarious. Go see him if you have a chance.
During my set, I paused to take a sip of water. When doing so, I realized that I was standing like they do in the Gatorade commercials (profile). I said something about whether or not it looked sexy, which got a mild reception. Then I poured water all over my chest to increase the sexy factor. It worked. People went crazy. One guy actually came up to the stage and gave me his car keys. I started to say something to stop him. He punched me in the mouth and told me that if I didn't accept his car, his grandma "might accidentally fall down the steps." That is not cool. So, now I have a new SpaceMobile. It's invisible. I don't think anyone else has one yet. You should probably try to hang out with me, unless you want his grandma to get hurt. I hope that made sense.
Fruit Loops.
I now have about 15 shows to add to my website, but due to a technical difficulty, I have been unable to update my site for a while.
In addition to Danny Rouhier ( www.funnydanny.com ) and myself getting bounced from Boston, so did Jeremy Schachter ( www.applausebreak.com ) who is a very funny NY comic. We had similar experiences there. Check out his website and shows.
I have new material to try out, hopefully tonight at Topaz. THe new jokes are titled: Ethnic, HD, Opportunities, Saved and Taste Buds. I also need to re-work some stuff I've tried out a couple times.
Also, don't set your alarm clocks ahead. That is so racist. (If you don't know, ask somebody.)
This was a horrible entry. My bad.

Boston Comedy Festival and other things that could go wrong...

I have a lot of stuff to talk about since the last post.
First, I was interviewed for SheckyMagazine. The article can be found at http://www.sheckymagazine.com/hecox.htm
I also have a couple sets that will be appearing on XM radio... and one more that could have been on XM but won't... more on that later.
I have something that could be really big in November, but I can't say what it is yet. That is what Sylvester Stallone calls a cliffhanger.
The fourth and biggest thing is that I'm being taped for a show on Discovery, called "Pop Nation." I am excited about this. Hopefully I don't pull a Boston in the interview and they ask me to leave their city/"Pop Nation" as soon as possible.

I did 25 minutes between two punk bands on Saturday night. It was extremely awkward. Here is a recap:
Singer: "This is my favorite song. It's called [screams] Revolution. A lot of motherfuckers say they want to start a revolution, but the punk bitches don't have the [not sure what he said] to do anything about it. The punk motherfuckers... I will shoot a motherfucker if I have too. The revolution begins..." This was followed by 5 minutes of screaming while people fumbled around on some instruments, creating a "music-like" sound that I refuse to call music. Then he yelled "Punk motherfuckers, let's start a revolution," one more time. Then I told jokes to the 3 people who were listening. During my set, I was asked to move, so they could maneuver amps, and the guitarist even started doing a sound check over me. Can't fault him though. He has to get ready to perform. It was just awkward, probably for all parties involved, especially the audience members who read the flier that had the word "music" on it.

Boston:
A lot of comics do traffic material. Very generic jokes about bad drivers, construction and traffic are the usual. This material can usually be classified as annoying, although sometimes very funny depending on who is doing it. Boston is one of those places where those jokes are especially true. There are no traffic patterns. People just drive around. There aren't even signs in most places. If you ask someone for directions, it is possible that they will tell you to turn when you see a guy whistling or something like that. "Keep going... You'll start to smell salami. When it smells like the salami is done, bear left." What? Fix your city.
Comics don't like contests. I've never heard a good, original comic express anything but contempt for contests. You just can't judge creativity. With that said...
I learned something from this contest/festival. If I want to be more successful in contests, I need to increase my number of bad credit/masturbation/sex/pot jokes from zero to any number greater than zero. In other words, I lost. I had a set in which I was 99% confident would take me to the next round. I had to pause several times, in a six minute set, for the crowd to get quiet for the next line. Then they were doing the announcements at the end of the show and I lost. I would love to see the score sheets to see which catergories I lacked points in. Audience reaction: check. Stage presence: check. Originality: check. Impressions/Dunkin Donuts Jokes/Drug Jokes/Masturbation Jokes: Incomplete... Disqualified. Not once did I mention an experience with a creditor. What was I thinking? Oh, that's right. I pay my bills. If I ever had an experience with one, I'm sure I would HAVE to put it in my act. Then I would call it an act anymore either. It would be my "routine."
This show was taped for XM, but for the most part was too weak of a show to make the cut. And I lost.
The cool thing is that instead of sitting around Boston for a few days, waisting time, I'm performing at The University of Maryland tonight with Demetri Martin (10 out of 10 on the funny scale/meter). I better polish up on my Pollock jokes before the show. I bet Demetri can help me get into some contests.
Erin Conroy was awesome in the Geek Comedy Tour 3000 show. Happy, Erin?

new things

I have a lot of things to update on my site; several new dates, pictures, news, a page on how I don't know when to use a semi-colon, etc... However, I won't be able to do this until tomorrow or Monday.
Last night I did a show at Bentz St in Frederick, MD. The crowd was great. The mic went out with about 5 minutes left in my set, which forced me to yell. It was fun though. The after show crowd mingling was where the fun was though. For some reason, a disproportionate amount of my demographic consistes of really hot girls. It is both my blessing and my curse. I'm like Spiderman. What??? I don't know. A guy approached me after the show and said that he belongs to a club of Subaru enthusiasts. That's going to be a new joke as of tonight. Also, some drunk yelled out "pine wood derby" during the middle of my set. That was nothing short of bizarre.
I have a lot of new stuff to try out at Topaz Hotel tonight. Be there.
Look for updates tomorrow.
Buy tickets to Bright Eyes on November 18th at Constitution Hall.
Keep on truckin'.

I Know You Don't Want Any Advice From Me, But I'm Going to Give It To You Anyway

Someone gave me advice this weekend that included the idea that it's okay to steal other peoples' material. He also said about 15 times that I need a "goofier character" on stage. Maybe if I take his advice, when I'm 15 years into comedy, some new guy will write about me in his blog too.
The Geek Comedy Tour 3000 was a success on Sunday. The crowd was cool in a "I own a photon gun" kind of way. They ate all of our stuff up though. Me, Frank Hong, Rory Scovel, Jon Mumma and Justin Schlegel sang the theme from Growing Pains with Danny Rouhier at the end of his set. There was a joke contest at the end in which the prize was a PSP. 15 geeks told jokes and lost to Jon Mumma's wife who gave the PSP to Danny. The geeks were crushed.
By the way, Bey Wesley has the best condiment joke ever written.
Wiseacres in Tyson's Corner, VA has amazing buffalo wings. The ranch is only average though.
More to come...

NEW COOL SHOWS

Just added...
September 14 at University of Maryland with Demitri Martin, from Comedy Central. Don't miss this show.
September 21 at Dr. Dremos. Benefit for those affected by Hurricane Katrina. Don't do the black thing. Don't do the white thing. Do the right thing. I've always wanted to quote Spike Lee.

Dr. Dremos was set on fire last night

One thing I forgot about Las Vegas:
There are tons of gift shops everywhere. We stayed at The Stratosphere (Wal-Mart of casinos), which is next door to the "world's largest gift shop." I don't know if people really keep track of gift shop size, but this place claims they do. Anyway, the odd thing is that all of these places have signs advertising what they sell. Most signs will have five to eight things listed. For some reason, mocassins made the list on every gift shop's list of five to eight items. How could mocassins be a top eight seller? The world's largest gift shop even had mocassins as the only item that was highlighted by a giant red box. They also featured sundries. So what I'm saying is, if you go to Vegas and forget your mocassins, and maybe your coonskin hat, they got you.
The crowd definitely wasn't good last night at Dr. Dremos. In fact, it was easily the worst decent sized crowd I've ever been in front of. They seemed like they may have actually been retarded. With that said, the show took another hit when the third comic, Rory Scovel called someone a "cunt". It wasn't someone who was there. He was talking about someone who stole a joke from him. I agree that "the c-word" was warranted. But as soon as he got to the "n" in the word, the crowd reached funeral level silence. It was hilarious, because he went on to say it 3 or 4 more times.
Also, there were two redneck, white trash, pieces of shit who were sitting in the back, next to me when the first couple comics were on stage. They made a conscious decision to come to the show and heckle. After everything the comics said, they would yell something that didn't make sense. The comic would say, "I got stuck in traffic," and these idiots would yell out something like, "I WONDER why she broke up with you. You faggot!" Then, when my friend Jon Mumma was on stage, they took it to another level. Jon was doing a Knight Rider joke, and these guys got really offended and yelled, "Noooo! That ain't right! Whatever! Boooooo!" If you are a person who can be offended by a Knight Rider joke, please don't leave your house. They are jokes. It isn't that serious. Anyway, after the Knight Rider issue, they were asked to be quiet. Then they revealed that they were friends of one of the comics. So, what this comes down to is, if you are a comic, and your friends heckle people, I will heckle you... effectively. I'm not going to yell random shit. I'm going to ruin your set. Get your people in check.
My set was okay. The crowd who was offended by my joke about girls who set their alarm clocks ahead. That's edgy, I know. Then the one that actually pissed me off was that they were offended when I suggested that there may have been a typo in the Qu'ran. If you get offended by either of these things, please don't go to a comedy show.
At the end of Danny Rouhier's set, he, Rory, Jon and myself sang the theme from Growing Pains to Curt Shackleford, who runs the show. People were offended once again. Apparently the line "Show me that smile again," is on the same level as "the c-word" at Dr. Dremos.
Smooches.