Another mediocre post

Mitch Hedberg News: Spin magazine put out a list of what they considered to be the “The Ten Best Proper Nouns of the Spin Era (20 years) That Are Not Albums (or EPs).” Seeing a big publication like Spin call him “the best comedian of the last 20 years” was great. Here is the link:

http://www.spin.com/features/magazine/columns/chuck_klosterman/2005/06/06202005_chuck_july_column/

Wednesday night, at Dr. Dremos, Jay Hastings hosted. He’s very funny and it was his first time emceeing a show, so he may have been little too excited about it. This led him to take suggestions from Rory Scovel and I. Jay said something about taking more and more clothes each time he went up, and Rory and I encouraged it like he was leading the fight against terrorism. Eventually, Jay was nearly naked… at a comedy show… only wearing boots, a belt and boxers, which were shoved in his ass and tucked in, in the front. Then, after the show, he went upstairs to get a beer from the bar, still naked, in front of people who were oblivious to the show and thought he was a random naked guy. That is a level of confidence I can’t even dream of having.

Pictures are on Jay's myspace page:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=13120790

I hate it when I call someone at night and they’re clearly asleep, but won’t admit it. It’s okay to be asleep. Everytime I'm like, “Oh, sorry to wake you up.” Then the other person mumbles, “No, no, no… I wasn’t sleeping, I was.. hadkhdsflhsdkhdl.” “Well it’s 2 in the morning, so it’s okay to sleep.” “pshhhh… I was just doing some watercolors.” “You don’t do watercolors.” “If hotdog wins the race, spaceship happy pie.” “I’ll talk to you later.” “Whatever man. Be a dick.”

Just admit you’re sleeping. We all do it. It’s fine.

My friend Quincy and I went to Guitar Center on Monday to play guitars that we can’t afford. It’s a little tradition that we like to call, “Mondays.” I was playing a Gibson Hummingbird, while he was playing the Clapton Signature Martin, when I looked up and noticed an odd guitar in front of me. It was a $3,000 Martin Signature Series guitar, and the artist whose name it beared: Jewel. Her name was inlayed into the fingerboard. I pointed out to Quincy, and without hesitation, he said, “That's not real. She snuck in here last night and signed it. Tomorrow morning the one next to it is going to be a Quincy Signature Series.” In other words, even if you like Jewel, you have to admit that she sucks at guitar and should not have her own Martin. I think this paragraph is only for a few people.

For everyone who is still getting used to using a cell phone: Everyone knows that sometimes it echoes. Just get over it and play through. Don’t stop a conversation to say, “Do you hear that… it’s echoing... you don’t hear that?… how about now?… no… well it’s really echoing on my end.” Just have the conversation. Play through. Don’t be the cell phone conversation version of Grant Hill. Work through the adversity. It will make you stronger.

Subpar blog entry

I had a good Christmas weekend. I hope you did too, whether it was Christmas, Hannukah, the winter solstice, the weekend, or the release of King Kong that you were celebrating. I got some cool stuff, and I hope people are saying the same thing about the things I got them. I have 11 brothers, and two of them got full-fledged, legit robots. They were like real robots. You can do anything with them. I’m so jealous. Here’s the difference between kid gifts and adult gifts… my aunt got me a pressure cooker. I was like, “Cool, a pressure cooker.” Then someone said, “You can cook beans in 30 minutes,” like that was supposed to excite me. I’m 25. I hope I’m at least eight decades away from getting excited about cooking beans real fast.

I made a comment on my last blog about how I’ve never heard of George Michaels’ “Careless Whisper,” which prompted comedian extraordinaire Erin Jackson to leave a comment stating that everyone knows that song, quoting some lyrics, and I believe she even said it was her favorite song. Erin, your membership to the cool club has been revoked. Actually, after reading what she wrote, I did remember the song. And last night, I was playing PS2 at Rory Scovel’s ( www.roryscovel.com ) house and I mentioned it. Then, about 3-5 minutes later, we both started singing “Careless Whisper” at the same time, starting on the same word, singing in perfect, Wham-like harmony. It was the single gayest moment of my life. You win this time, Erin Jackson.

Yesterday I had lunch with two friends and the age-old question came up: “Would you date a girl if she was a perfect ten and the coolest girl you’ve ever met, even if once per week, and you never knew when it would happen… she would pee in her pants.” I think we have a chicken-egg situation here. No one will ever be able to give a definitive answer to that question.

I think everyone gets the same spam email, but this morning I got one that was different. It was for a pill that boasts it will enlarge your balls by up to 3 inches. I don’t think I want that.

picture updates

I just updated some pictures on my myspace page... www.myspace.com/ryanconner
Next week I will unveil the Ryan Conner Book Club...

What if Santa Claus was black?

I went to the Baltimore Comedy Factory last Friday. Frank Hong was emceeing and Brad Trackman was headlining what I thought would be a normal night of comedy. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I arrived during the middle of the early show, right after Brad went on. There was a group of wannabe thugs (5 guys and a girl), whom I wouldn’t call “wannabe thugs” to their faces. They kind of looked like a Bubba Sparxxx timeline, from skinny Bubba to the Bubba that we all know and don’t love. They were sitting to the left of the stage and not shutting their mouths. Brad said things like, “We get it. You’re big. You can beat people up…” They kept talking, as if people paid to see them yell things like, “Your mom!,” “That’s what she said,” “Ask your sister,” “That’s why you’re gay,” and other witty retorts that you would normally have to crack open The New Yorker to read.

Brad started a conversation with them, thinking that a limited amount of attention might shut them up for the rest of the show, which normally works. During this conversation, we learned a few things. The girl is on the “’fare,” which is a more fun way of saying “welfare.” There’s nothing wrong with being on welfare. The program exists for a reason. But if you’re spending your welfare check on Jager shots at a comedy club, you need some kind of wake-up call. We also learned that the guys aren’t gay, as every sentence they said ended with something to the effect of, “shiiiitttt, I’m not gay, shiiitttt,” which is code for “I wouldn’t mind experimenting if the opportunity presented itself.” And we learned from the girl that “You gotta make somethin’!” No one in the room knew what that meant, but she said it several times for emphasis.

At this point, the management decided it was time to throw these people out. So, the bouncer and the manager walked over and asked them to leave. When they did this, I guess the bouncer touched the biggest Bubba Sparxxx, which he didn’t like. That’s when things turned Ugly. The guys stood up and said, “Don’t put your hands on me. I will fucking kill you…” He said something about having a gun, which made me feel a little unsafe, but didn’t seem to faze the bouncer at all. I guess if he really had a gun, he wouldn’t announce it. Then a bunch of words were exchanged. Nothing was going on onstage. Bubba and the Sparxxx were all on their feet. The bouncer still wasn’t fazed, and ripped the beer bottle out of the biggest guy’s hand and told him to leave. The guy called him a bitch and was threatening to “fuck him up.” Then the guy’s girlfriend ran at Bubba, yelling “Honey, don’t hit him!!! I don’t have bail money tonight.” The key word there is “tonight.” Normally she has to carry bail money around just in case he hits someone. The worst part being that it’s her ‘fare money. I don’t know what causes people to act like this, but I’m going to be a middle-aged white woman and blame it on South Park, Beavis and Butthead, rap music and video games, and not attribute it to the fact that some people are idiots.

The cherry on top of this Baltimore sundae, was once the people were escorted out, the crowd starting yelling, “Only in Baltimore,” as if what had just happened was an amazing work of art. Only in DC: Marvin Gaye performing at a bar right after Thelonius Monk and Duke Ellington left the stage. Only in NY: Bob Dylan, Jeff Buckley and The Ramones developing their talents at open mics. Only in Baltimore: An idiot threatens to kill someone but doesn’t because his baby’s mama forgot to cash her welfare check.

This is from an AP story:

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) -- Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned Western music from Iran's radio and TV stations, reviving one of the harshest cultural decrees from the early days of 1979 Islamic Revolution.

Songs such as George Michael's "Careless Whisper," Eric Clapton's "Rush" and the Eagles' "Hotel California" have regularly accompanied Iranian broadcasts, as do tunes by saxophonist Kenny G.

I’m not in favor of banning music, but if I lived in Iran and that’s all I knew of Western music, banning it would be at the top of my agenda. First of all, I’ve never heard Careless Whisper, but the title sounds like it could be nothing short of extremely gay. Not gay in a George Michael’s is homosexual kind of way, but more so in a “the song is called Careless Whisper” kind of way. I don’t know how the Eric Clapton song snuck in there. Christmas music is really annoying to me, but I think O’ Holy Night is a great song. And if I could get rid of Deck the Halls at the price of losing O’ Holy Night, Christmas music would be gone forever. Onto The Eagles: If I hear Hotel California more than once in a 6 month period, I immediately start drowning puppies. Does anyone actually like that song, or The Eagles in general, who doesn’t also own a Frisbee or a hacky sack? I don’t think so. No comment on Kenny G. His sweet, sweet melodies soothe me like a donkey-kick in the balls. I love that guy.

I’m going to my grandparents’ house outside of Roanoke, VA for Christmas Eve. My family down there is really cool, but my brothers and I have completely different lifestyles from them, which leads to difficult Christmas shopping on both sides. Every year, for I think about 5 years, as we’re about to leave my dad’s house in Roanoke to make the 30 minute drive to my grandparents’, my little brother Jasper has said, “The countdown to opening a new insulated flannel shirt begins now.” And he’s been right every year. Five straight insulated flannel shirts.

That’s it.

What is Santa Claus was black?

I went to the Baltimore Comedy Factory last Friday. Frank Hong was emceeing and Brad Trackman was headlining what I thought would be a normal night of comedy. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I arrived during the middle of the early show, right after Brad went on. There was a group of wannabe thugs (5 guys and a girl), whom I wouldn’t call “wannabe thugs” to their faces. They kind of looked like a Bubba Sparxxx timeline, from skinny Bubba to the Bubba that we all know and don’t love. They were sitting to the left of the stage and not shutting their mouths. Brad said things like, “We get it. You’re big. You can beat people up…” They kept talking, as if people paid to see them yell things like, “Your mom!,” “That’s what she said,” “Ask your sister,” “That’s why you’re gay,” and other witty retorts that you would normally have to crack open The New Yorker to read.

Brad started a conversation with them, thinking that a limited amount of attention might shut them up for the rest of the show, which normally works. During this conversation, we learned a few things. The girl is on the “’fare,” which is a more fun way of saying “welfare.” There’s nothing wrong with being on welfare. The program exists for a reason. But if you’re spending your welfare check on Jager shots at a comedy club, you need some kind of wake-up call. We also learned that the guys aren’t gay, as every sentence they said ended with something to the effect of, “shiiiitttt, I’m not gay, shiiitttt,” which is code for “I wouldn’t mind experimenting if the opportunity presented itself.” And we learned from the girl that “You gotta make somethin’!” No one in the room knew what that meant, but she said it several times for emphasis.

At this point, the management decided it was time to throw these people out. So, the bouncer and the manager walked over and asked them to leave. When they did this, I guess the bouncer touched the biggest Bubba Sparxxx, which he didn’t like. That’s when things turned Ugly. The guys stood up and said, “Don’t put your hands on me. I will fucking kill you…” He said something about having a gun, which made me feel a little unsafe, but didn’t seem to faze the bouncer at all. I guess if he really had a gun, he wouldn’t announce it. Then a bunch of words were exchanged. Nothing was going on onstage. Bubba and the Sparxxx were all on their feet. The bouncer still wasn’t fazed, and ripped the beer bottle out of the biggest guy’s hand and told him to leave. The guy called him a bitch and was threatening to “fuck him up.” Then the guy’s girlfriend ran at Bubba, yelling “Honey, don’t hit him!!! I don’t have bail money tonight.” The key word there is “tonight.” Normally she has to carry bail money around just in case he hits someone. The worst part being that it’s her ‘fare money. I don’t know what causes people to act like this, but I’m going to be a middle-aged white woman and blame it on South Park, Beavis and Butthead, rap music and video games, and not attribute it to the fact that some people are idiots.

The cherry on top of this Baltimore sundae, was once the people were escorted out, the crowd starting yelling, “Only in Baltimore,” as if what had just happened was an amazing work of art. Only in DC: Marvin Gaye performing at a bar right after Thelonius Monk and Duke Ellington left the stage. Only in NY: Bob Dylan, Jeff Buckley and The Ramones developing their talents at open mics. Only in Baltimore: An idiot threatens to kill someone but doesn’t because his baby’s mama forgot to cash her welfare check.

This is from an AP story:

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) -- Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned Western music from Iran's radio and TV stations, reviving one of the harshest cultural decrees from the early days of 1979 Islamic Revolution.

Songs such as George Michael's "Careless Whisper," Eric Clapton's "Rush" and the Eagles' "Hotel California" have regularly accompanied Iranian broadcasts, as do tunes by saxophonist Kenny G.

I’m not in favor of banning music, but if I lived in Iran and that’s all I knew of Western music, banning it would be at the top of my agenda. First of all, I’ve never heard Careless Whisper, but the title sounds like it could be nothing short of extremely gay. Not gay in a George Michael’s is homosexual kind of way, but more so in a “the song is called Careless Whisper” kind of way. I don’t know how the Eric Clapton song snuck in there. Christmas music is really annoying to me, but I think O’ Holy Night is a great song. And if I could get rid of Deck the Halls at the price of losing O’ Holy Night, Christmas music would be gone forever. Onto The Eagles: If I hear Hotel California more than once in a 6 month period, I immediately start drowning puppies. Does anyone actually like that song, or The Eagles in general, who doesn’t also own a Frisbee or a hacky sack? I don’t think so. No comment on Kenny G. His sweet, sweet melodies soothe me like a donkey-kick in the balls. I love that guy.

I’m going to my grandparents’ house outside of Roanoke, VA for Christmas Eve. My family down there is really cool, but my brothers and I have completely different lifestyles from them, which leads to difficult Christmas shopping on both sides. Every year, for I think about 5 years, as we’re about to leave my dad’s house in Roanoke to make the 30 minute drive to my grandparents’, my little brother Jasper has said, “The countdown to opening a new insulated flannel shirt begins now.” And he’s been right every year. Five straight insulated flannel shirts.

That’s it.

Lemonade

-I was at Soho last night. A new guy, who was funny and doing pretty well, was on stage. All of a sudden, he paused, said, “Oh shit,” and collapsed. He fell off the stage and hit his head on a table, then lay under the table, unconscious, for about thirty seconds. People were scrambling, calling 911 and engaging in all-around pandemonium. Once the guy got to his feet, he looked around and apologized to everyone. There should be a rule: If you ever pass out and hit your head on a table, you are not allowed to apologize to anyone. No one can get mad at you for passing out. That should be a constitutional amendment. While we’re at it, let’s go ahead and put it in the bible too.

I had never seen anyone pass out before. I didn’t know that you get enough of a warning to say, “Oh shit.” That has to suck to have a split second of knowing that you are about to head-butt a table.

-After Soho last night, I dropped Rory Scovel and Jay Hastings off at their houses. When I was pulling up to Jay’s house, he said, “I hope my hot roommate is hanging out downstairs.” I asked which roommate that is. He replied, “Amy…” As he opened the car door, he said, “I bet Amy’s [vagina] taste’s like lemonade.” Then we heard footsteps in the dark just behind Jay. It was Amy. Jay said hi, and she said hi back, while laughing a little. We don’t know if she heard him or not, but I bet things are going to be a little awkward there for a while. It’s not like Jay can ask her, “Hey, did you hear what I said about your snatch?” He has to walk around, wondering…

-I went to a restaurant in Vegas that had two of those bartenders like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. They toss the bottles all around, catch them behind their backs, etcetera, when all they need to do is pour the stuff into a glass. It’s right in front of them. Just pour it. You don’t have to flip it around. The crazy thing about it was that everyone in the place was losing their minds over these guys. I admit it does look pretty cool, but all it is, is glorified juggling. That’s it. Since when did juggling become cool? Take the bottles out of their hands and give them handkerchiefs. Would people still cheer? I hope not. What I’m saying is there’s no reason for jugglers to have groupies. They are below mimes on the entertainer cool-factor continuum.

-If you live in DC, don’t wear mukluks. It looks silly. There’s no such thing as Alaskan chic, so stop pretending there is. It really does look stupid. Every guy will vouch for me. Mukluks aren’t even cool in Alaska. People just wear them because if they don’t, their feet will freeze and possibly shatter. If you already own them, I won’t hold it against you, but don’t wear them ever again.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I accept presents.

Warning: Only DC/Baltimore area comics will understand the next paragraph.

Just to add something to my Good friend Justin Schlegal’s opinion page ( www.justinschlegel.com ). Hacky comics who steal Pryor, do black/white jokes, “you can’t look tough while drinking out of a straw”, do Clinton jokes, do “I wonder what it would be like if Barney/Al Pacino/who cares did whatever – I think it would Go a little somethinG like this” – jokes, are stupid. They dumb down crowds to the lowest common denominator. Then they act arrogant because they kill, and they’re awkward to follow- awkward, not hard. But they act like they’re hard to follow because they’re Good. If you watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind after watching Jackass:The Movie, it’s Going to lose some of its effect. It doesn’t mean that Jackass is a better movie. GKiss Gmy Gbumper.

If you have ever been to a comedy show and you look around after every punchline and repeat it to make sure everyone heard it, you are an asshole. And your girlfriend should break up with you ASAP.

I read a recent article that said a new study has shown that a woman’s sense of humor is, on average, much more sophisticated than a man’s. They did a series of dick jokes and smart jokes and measured “joke reception activity” or something like that in the brain. That’s interesting.

A friend of mine was telling me about one of his friends who is going to be visiting him from out of town. Here’s what he said, “Yeah, Mark is coming this weekend. He’s really smart, but he doesn’t believe in dinosaurs. He actually doesn’t believe in any type of fossils.” How can you not believe in dinosaurs? We have their bones! Fossils are real. We can touch them. They’re just old things. So, basically he doesn’t believe in old stuff. Old stuff never happened in this guy’s mind. Or, he doesn’t trust carbon dating or something. I don’t get it. I asked my friend why he doesn’t believe in dinosaurs and he didn’t know. He didn’t even ask the guy! That’s ridiculous. How can you let something like that slide? That’s like saying, “I don’t believe in 8-track players.” You can’t let that slide. You can prove it to him in a matter of seconds and cleanse him of his stupidity. If you know someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs, do two things. First, ask that person why, and get ready to tell them they are wrong. Second, don’t describe that person as “He’s smart, but doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.” That’s called a lie.

I’m really bad at writing bios because I don’t like writing about myself. The problem is that I need a new, official-looking bio. If you are a good bio writer, let me know.

fanny pack fanny pack fanny fanny pack pack

- I hate it when people act like NY is some kind of beast. Whenever someone who isn’t an asshole announces that they’re moving to NY, someone always says something like, “You’re moving to New York? Wheww. That city’s gonna chew you up and spit you out.” No it’s not. It’s just a big place that has a lot of people. It doesn’t attack. Stop being stupid.

-I performed with Adam Ferrara at the AOL holiday party last weekend. It was at the National Air and Space Museum, which was a really cool place. They had a space ship, Enterprise. I had never been face to face with a space ship before. It was a humbling experience. I was like, “I tell jokes. People usually like them.” He said, “I go to space.” Argument over. Space ship wins.

It was a pretty formal event, but no one warned me about that. I was just told not to wear jeans. I was like, you know what, I’ll one-up you and not wear white socks too. So I just wore a v-neck sweater and some greenish pants, and 4 year old New Balances.. I thought that would be good. Nope. Everyone else looked like they were at a debutante ball. I looked homeless.

There were two shows. The first was pretty good. But between shows there was an hour of karaoke, which drew about 400-500 people into the room, all screaming Bon Jovi at the top of their lungs. Then the emcee, a flamboyant British/Australian guy, told me I'd be up after the next song. I told him to make sure there was a delay between the singing and the comedy, and to make sure he gets everyone's attention first... didn't happen though. Some girl sang a Toni Braxton song, well I might add. Then, as if I was the next karaoke participant, gay Paul Hogan mumbles, "Now, here's Ryan Conner..." I didn't even hear my intro. So I kind of stumbled to the stage a few seconds later and the crowd thought I was going to sing. I did my time, with about 15% of the crowd paying attention. And I think the rest of the crowd, who thought I was doing karaoke, tuned me out because they didn't really like "Alice's Restaurant." (That's funny because it's a 20 minute song with nothing but talking...)

-This is from a TIME article about the guy who was shot on the plane in Miami. It’s a first-hand account of what transpired:

McAlhany described Alpizar as carrying a big backpack and wearing a fanny pack in front. He says it would have been impossible for Alpizar to lie flat on the floor of the plane, as marshals ordered him to do, with the fanny pack on. "You can't get on the ground with a fanny pack," he says. "You have to move it to the side."

I like that TIME consulted a fanny-pack specialist. A man has died because of his fanny pack. Do we need a better argument against fanny packs? Don't wear them. That's it.

-I would love to meet the person who has ever denied a myspace friend request.

-Friday night marked the first time in the history of history that someone who had nothing to do with the actual ceremony, became emotional while watching a jersey retirement ceremony.

Comedy Spot

I just got back from the Comedy Spot’s open mic. Oh man. Comedy was had, and it was had well. There were only three audience members and they were friends of comics. Most of the comics were very new and it showed, which is cool. Everyone starts somewhere. There were also a couple guys who were ridiculously arrogant, which I think was even funny. I love watching arrogant people fail at anything. It’s like watching the last kid at the Special Olympics cross the finish line. It makes you feel good inside.

Jimmy Merritt hosted and is very funny. He did a new joke that he’s working on about a bunch of people that he knew in high school who cut themselves as an act of leisure. This caused my respect for Jimmy to turn into fear. Who cuts themselves? I’ve never known anyone who does that. I’ve heard about it, but I never thought people actually did it. I assumed it was something made up by the writers of Seventh Heaven because they couldn’t think of a storyline one week. “What happens this week?” – “They… cut... themselves?… I don’t know….” – “Oh, that’s good… then Jesus tells them to “Cut-it-out” and Jesus can even do that Dave Coulier “Cut-it-out” thing when he tells them.” I’ve never seen Seventh Heaven. I could be way off base. Kids, don’t cut yourselves. Stay in school and don’t do drugs.

One guy who was new, and seemed to be a cool guy cracked me up. Jay Hastings pointed out that he looked like the singer from Fine Young Cannibals, which is funny. Now, take that guy to Eddie Bauer, and give him Bryant Gumbel’s voice. Now, imagine that guy saying the word “homey.” Now imagine him saying, “You go girl!” He did it. It’s what’s known in the baseball world as a “curveball.” Nice guy though.

Another guy who cracked me up was a comic named Big Wide. What I liked about him was that when he came out, he said, “My name is Big Wide, and I spell in B-I-G W-I-D-E.” I was like, I think that’s how we all spell Big Wide. He could have just said, “My name is Big Wide, and you could spell it without a problem.” Or “If there’s one thing me and Noah Webster agree on, it’s the spelling of my name.” Nice guy though.

There were actually three people that told the audience what type of joke they were about to tell before they told it. Bizarre… they would be like, “This is a joke that’s pretty cool. It deals with current events…” Just tell it. You aren’t Billy Joel. No one cares about the motivation for the joke. There’s a reason Comedy Central doesn’t have a Storytellers series. One guy even said, “You can relate to this next joke if you’ve ever played baseball…” I don’t even know what to say about that.

At the end of the show, my favorite type of open mic moment occurred. It’s when someone comes from another city and claims to be a big shot and ends up having nothing at all. Jimmy read his intro, which read, “[Blah blah blah]...The next comic is from New York where he works as a professional comedian… please welcome [who cares, I’m going to use his real name] Kris Payne.” He came up and told us that he only does smart material, only to give in a few minutes later and do a Rodney King reference. Then he told us how to spell his name. I guess he noticed that we all had our pens to the paper waiting for the spelling of the professional comedy god's name. Most of us had never seen a professional comedian, so it was a real treat. A real live professional... from New York CITY at that. Holy cow. It was like a movie… or a dream. Then he proceeded to talk about current events and tell us that he was there when every single current event happened. Why did he go to Baghdad to witness the Saddam Hussein trial first hand? Not because he’s so smart, but his answer was because “I risk my life to BRING THE PAYNE (which is how he ended all of his jokes).” Two things. That’s a pun. Puns aren’t necessarily smart. And it’s also the name of a very famous Chris Rock special. After the show, as he left, he shook hands with everyone there. He didn’t tell anyone that they had a good set though. However, when everyone lied to him and gave him the obligatory “Good set” mumble, he shot back, “Definitely.” And at that moment, a Special Olympian crossed the finish line, an angel rode a unicorn off into the sunset, and my heart smiled. I shook hands with a professional comedian.

That was sarcastic.

So, what I'm saying is... if you stumble across a time machine, don't set it for December 11, 2005 at the Comedy Spot.

All Aboard

I will be opening for Rob Cantrell ( www.robcantrell.com ) on The Metaphysical Graffiti Tour. Confirmed DC/Baltimore area dates are:
January 7 at The State Theater in Falls Church, VA ( www.thestatetheatre.com )
January 12-14 at The Baltimore Comedy Factory ( www.baltimorecomedy.com )

Come out to these shows and I guarantee your life will improve drastically. Seriously, buy tickets now. You can on their websites. Do it.

Commenting on Comments

This is the Commenting on Comments entry that I’ve been talking about for the past week. To be honest, I don’t think it’s going to live up to its hype at all. But if you shoot for a c-minus and get a c, then you win. So, the bar is lowered and we will begin…

As a side note, I’m mainly going to comment on the neutral and negative comments, so as not to come off as a total douche.

Re: A guest post by comedian Jay Hastings about his dealings with a heckler at an open-mic:

Anonymous said... I wanted to leave a comment as you worked so hard in writting that piece. I was not at the show, but I hate it that people don't pay more respect to the comics there...Hope you do your killing on stage next week but it is nice to see you have options.

Dear Anonymous, I just want to reiterate that Jay wrote that. Not me.

Re: Me posting the wrong date for a show and writing about requesting handshake do-overs:

Rob Maher said...My CD release is the 15th not the 1st. Your hand shake sucks.

Dear Rob, Stop being a whore. Your handshake is overly aggressive.

Re: Me stating that more people use Internet Explorer than Firefox

Anonymous said... Hey man... some people read your blog from work where they can't use Firefox. I took your comment personally, and it hurt me deeply. Seriously I cried for about twenty minutes. Then I played with my erection. Then I cried again.
-Cornshit McPenis

Dear Cornshit, This comment was all over the place. As Larry Poon would say, “Buck up, faggot!” By the way, I know Mr. McPenis was joking.

Re: The next few are in reference to a post about Dane Cook “borrowing” Louis CK’s material.

Jared said... Wowzers...I had no idea. I knew that his "jumping around saying FACE real loud" was the crux of his appeal, but I had no idea he was lifting shit. I'm unfamiliar with Louis CK's stuff, but I'll be giving it a listen.

Dear Jared, The fact that you used the phrase “crux of his appeal” in a sentence makes you the smartest person who reads my blog. Respect.

Blogger of Wrongs said... Cook is hack -- but he ain't alone. Check out Joe Rogan's thoughts on Carlos Mencia, and learn about Denis Leary's thievery from Bill Hicks too. Very educational. Here's the link (and scroll down just past Rogan's picture):
http://www.joerogan.net/main.php
The Notorious DUG,
Doug

Dear Doug, Word.

Anonymous said... What a bitter fucking moron you are. Dane Cook is a great guy and an amazing comedian. Alt comics are just bitter ugly losers.

Dear Idiot, I don’t actually think Dane’s a moron. He’s clearly very smart, or he wouldn’t be where he is now. 

Way to hit the buzzword by using “bitter” twice in three sentences. That’s very cunty of you. The words “Alt comics” implies that me/others you would call losers, are doing something that’s an alternative to the mainstream, and therefore original. So, I don’t really understand what your argument is. I hate you because you’re stupid.

Norman said... yeah..? But what about that "sangwich" bit? He keeps saying "sangwich" over and over until it gets really really funny! Cook is the king of the manboy comics. They seem to exist only to remind us about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots and perpetuate the growing stereo-type that men are perpetual children. And they always refer to breasts as "boobies".
And yes, anonymous, alternative comics ARE a bunch of bitter ugly losers. And you've just described every truly talented comedian I've ever witnessed.

Dear Norman, Word.

Re: My proposal for a new sport called Hurricaning:

billy said... wow. The rise and fall of your hurricane game has to be one of the funniest blog entries I've seen, ever. Except maybe for this time I saw a blog that had a picture of a fat chick wrestling a midget for a chicken leg.

Dear Billy, Thanks. I’m glad that you can be entertained by a bitter, ugly loser.

Re: The next few are regarding a show I did UMD-College Park with Demetri Martin:

Anonymous said... i was at the umd show last night and boy was it sexy. you're hilarious.

Dear Anonymous, I like that you didn’t have to write that, but you did anyway. I would prefer that hilarious precede sexy when describing a comedy show, but then again, I’m just a bitter, ugly, hilarious loser.

Anonymous said... oh, and mentioning bright eyes and jeff buckley in your blog? i think i'm in love with you.

Dear Anonymous, Calm down. I already like you.

s small said... i think your very sexy i party in oklahoma come down to tulsa ok sometime take you out to dinner sexy black light skin guy -918-407-1878

Dear S Small, Thanks for the comment, but unfortunately I’m all out of minutes on my cell phone, so I don’t think I’ll be able to call. What’s that? No, I’ll be out of minutes then too.

Re: I don’t know what it was about, but a friend of mine decided to leave a comment.

Conroy99 said... Fuck you, Conner. I don't need your second-hand shout-outs.
And you can just un-invite yourself from my dinner party this weekend.

Dear Conroy, Why didn’t you just call or email me? Because you’re a bitter, ugly, hilarious loser. Move to NY.

untitled

Random Thoughts

I haven’t had time to do the Commenting on Comments thing yet, so I just put together a short list of things that I think are funny. Commenting on Comments will hopefully be done by Friday.

-I like that Sadam Hussein is getting really angry now, refusing to show up in court and yelling at the judge. It's very WWF of him. If he’s acquitted, I think he could have a career in the WWF/WWE. I can see him now, yelling, “I swear on the grave of Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake that I will not appear on Smackdown with its blasphemers. Praise Alla Abdelnaby.”

That’s a joke. Of course he’ll be convicted. Then it’s just a matter of what his sentence is: death or life in prison. I don’t believe in the death penalty, so I would say life in prison. Plus, he should have to think about what he’s done and have a long, drawn out, dreadful death likened to one of the thousands he murdered. That’s why I suggest that once he’s in prison, we give him AIDS.

Lighten up.

-I am very competitive, and just realized that I may be too competitive. I realized this when someone was sick and I bragged that my immune system was better than theirs. I need to calm down.

-I’m opposed to obligatory introductions in social situations. All information should be shared on a need-to-know basis. And if someone isn’t going to be part of the conversation, why introduce them? Because if you don’t it’s rude. I think I would rather be rude than awkward. Here is how every introduction in my life has ever gone down. I’m talking to Bob. Sam is my friend who doesn’t know Bob. “Hey Bob, this is Sam. Sam – Bob.” Pause… Bob says, “Now what?” I say, “I have no idea. I wish that wasn’t a social rule.”

November Stat and I'm not sure if people got my Beck reference

Stats

It’s time for my monthly website report. I will report on odd stats that I’ve found on my admin page, just like last month. I’ve also decided to add a new feature that I will call “Comments on Comments,” in which I will write about comments that people have left on my site.

Here we go:

- I had almost 50% more hits from MSN than Google. Come on people. Get it together. No one uses MSN. Also, 23 people found my site using something called Inktomi Slurp. And two people found it using something called The Python Robot. I don’t know what a Python Robot is, but I want one. That was stat number one.

-One particular page had 666 visitors, which makes me think it’s possessed. If it happens again, I may have to do away with that page.

-One person came to my site after typing in “sexy ryan conner.” I have a feeling they were looking for www.ryanconner.com

-Another was “death cab for cutie gay.” Not only do I like that my site comes up if you enter that into google, but I love that someone would do a search for that. They didn’t type “bad” or “sucks.” They went straight for “gay.” People are curious about the sexuality of their music. That hasn’t happened since LFO.

-Somehow “the retard is ryan martin” sent someone to my blog. I don’t know how. It sounds like two middle schoolers got into a fight and were calling each other retards. Then one said, “You are a retard and I can prove it by looking it up on the internet.” Then google called them both retards and recommended that they read my blog.

-“glen quesenberry” – That’s one of my best friends. People were looking him up. He does network stuff. I didn’t know that people look up network people. He has a cool myspace page that contains a picture of him “controlling” or “dominating” a log, which means he was chopping it. He and I are also the pioneers of future sport Hurricaning (which you can read about in an earlier blog entry). Glen is hilarious. Respect!

-“beard and moustache championship catergories” – I have no idea what that means, or why they were directed to me, but now I kind of want to know about the beard and mustache categories myself.

-“ryan conner fan club”- Definitely for the other Ryan Conner. If you’re in a porn star’s fan club, get some help. You’re losing.

-“are death cab for cutie gay?” – I guess the previous guy decided to reword his search.

-“american asshole ryan conner” – The other Ryan Conner has a new movie.

-“backgammon” – Not only did I write about backgammon, but someone did a search for it. That game is gaining ones of fans every month.

-“who likes beans” – Once again, no idea why this would result in my site, but the more important question is why would someone want to know who like beans?

-“larry poon abstract art” – Larry is a great comic ( www.larrypoon.com ) who now has a new way to describe his act. If you know him, that’ funny.

- “is death cab for cutie a gay band” – Oh my God. Stop obsessing. That’s the third time you’ve asked that question.

-“comedy - funny songs - titties and beer” – That’s what someone types into google if there’s no way they’d get my comedy. Sounds like a hilarious song though.

- “after wearing an aircast how long before my foot is back to normal” – Dude, just type in “Aircast.” You’re being ridiculous.

-“style and ryan conner” – The answer is smooth.

This is too long to do the comments thing now. I have a lot to write for this week. Comments will be tomorrow, and I have some random stuff for the other days.