At Least The Scarecrow Wanted A Brain aka the bathrooms in hell don't have doors…

Dear Blog,

Yesterday was eventful. I’ll have to write about Medieval Times later, because there was a lot to write about there. But, last night… wow.

First, something interesting happened in the morning. I brought Rob Cantrell to DC 101, where he was a guest on Elliot in the Morning - I’m opening for him at the State Theatre tomorrow and The Baltimore Comedy Factory next week. Rob was telling a story about hanging out with Tracy Morgan in which they went to a club where they ran into DJ Clue. Elliot didn’t know who he is, so he asked me. I told him I know who he is. He asked how I know of him. I told him my best friend is a producer, plus DJ Clue has had two TV shows. Then Elliott said, “You’re such a wigger.” It was a joke, clearly, as not even racists have used that word since 1994. It was a verbal throwback, just like the jerseys that Wafrican-Americans (PC version of Wigger) wear. I bring this up because several people called me yesterday about that, and I just wanted to clear it up. It was a silly joke, and I hope it doesn’t affect my standing as one of America’s foremost Winks, Wics, Wikes or Wooks.

And… onto last night…

I did a show in Manassas, VA, which I had always thought got a bad rap for being full of dumb people, especially rednecks. I still think they get a bad rap, because most of the people are normal, just like everywhere else, but the dumb people congregate and bring down the image of the entire community, mainly because dumb people talk louder than everyone else, which is weird, but I accept it.

The show was at a place called KC’s Restaurant. Comedian Alex Scott booked it. He’s a really good comic and an extremely nice guy. Also on the show was Eddie Bryant, who is a comic from DC that I really enjoy watching. On top of being funny, his personal material is really interesting. Jay Hastings rode with me to the show because he’s new to the comedy scene and had never been to this type of show before. Alex offered him a spot on the show too, which I think they both now regret.

Here are some events that took place, some out of chronological order:

-20 borderline retarded people came to KC’s Restaurant to see a comedy show.

-If the UN was there, they would have declared it a humanitarian crisis.

-When I got there, I need to go number two. I went to the bathroom and they didn’t have doors on the stalls because they had been ripped off at the fine establishment. I would like to point out that even the bathrooms in “Lean on Me” had stall doors, even though the outside doors were chained shut. So, I had to get Jay to guard the stall while I shat, because the stall was right in front of the entrance door.

-Show started.

-Jay struggled and you can read his account of the show at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=13120790

-I got to choose my entrance music, and I chose a 3-6 Mafia song, because it’s so hardcore, it’s ridiculous. Then I stood on stage and listened to it for about 10 seconds before I started talking. Then I told the crowd that I write all of the lyrics for 3-6 Mafia. They didn’t laugh, because they knew the name of the person who actually writes their lyrics.

-Alex Scott asked someone in the crowd where they were from. The person gave an address and the crowd started laughing really hard. You’re probably thinking, “But what’s so funny about an address?” It was the address of the county jail. It was funny to them because she admitted that. It was funny to me because everyone in the crowd knew the address of the county jail. These were genuine idiots we were dealing with.

-Most shows charge an admission fee or cover. This show’s cover was a report card in which you failed Special Ed, or if you didn’t have that, you could supply a receipt from a bail bondsman, but it couldn’t be more than 14 days old, because that would be enough time to reform, and they didn’t want the reformed criminals.

-I have a joke in which I use the word “bosom.” That part of the joke normally gets a pretty big laugh. Last night it got nothing. So, I paused, then said, “Oh yeah, bosom is slang for titties,” which prompted someone to yell out, “Oh, no he didn’t.” Yes I did.

-I did my joke about getting towed at Taco Bell. The joke contains an analogy. When I said “analogy,” someone in the crowd yelled, “What the fuck is an amalogies?”

-I’m not making any of this up.

-I have a joke about the Truth anti-smoking commercials. It’s my easiest joke to get, except the very end does require a little thought. These people couldn’t even figure out why a commercial whose message is “Smoke Camel Lights and you’ll shit money,” would be a pro-smoking commercial.

-I have a joke about the war on drugs. It’s very funny, and has to do with the stats that are used to justify the war on drugs. The beginning of it got a great response, which made me think they weren’t as dumb as I initially thought. Then I realized that they didn’t get the joke at all. They were just laughing because I said the word “crack.” Laughing at it is a defense mechanism that crackheads use. I didn’t bother to finish the joke because you have to use algebra to get the end of it.

-White people be trippin’.

-When I was there, I felt like I had hit a time warp to nineteen seventy-stupid.

-I have a joke about how it’s awkward to try to pick up a girl in the middle of the night at a grocery store if you’re there to buy only one item and that item is a plunger. They didn’t understand why it would be awkward. I think babies understand that joke.

-I have a joke about old school rap versus new stuff, more specifically Kurtis Blow vs. DMX. If you don’t know this joke, you aren’t going to know what I’m talking about… I said the Kurtis Blow part and got stares. It was like they were all thinking, “Now, I seen alld of Kurtis Blow’s videos, and I ain’t seen no elephant, and I sho’ as hell ain’t seen no tricycles.” Then I quoted a DMX song as an example of how unrealistic the lyrics are that everyone says is so “real.” The crowd missed the point of the joke and started shouting things like, “That’s NASTY!” “You shouldn’t be sayin’ that mess!” So I told them it’s a DMX line. I didn’t write it. Remember, I write for 3-6 Mafia, not DMX. Then a woman yelled out, “He do not write for no 3-6.”

-Still not making any of this up.

-I have a joke in which I use the word “overindulgent.” On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have used that word and substituted, “too much,” or better yet, “black people don’t go swimmin’… but white people do…”

-Have I mentioned the crowd was dumb and wanted to hear nothing but negative stereotypes? This crowd was the manifestation of every negative stereotype ever… bragging about not paying child support, going to jail, being ignorant, etcetera… They combined to form the Captain Planet of ignorance.

-I’m not exaggerating when I say that these people weren’t smart enough to get Larry the Cable Guy. They would have to ask him to stop every 10 seconds so they could reference a dictionary. Then they would remember that they never did learn “they ABCs.” “But Larry the Cable Guy sho’ do look funny, so I’m gonna laugh anyway.”

-The cherry on top of the shit sundae was when a guy, who was black, came up after the show and said to me and Jay, “Why didn’t you all do some Hank Williams jokes, or some redneck jokes or something? [Points to Alex and Eddie] They did jokes about [black people]. Why didn’t you talk about white people.” We ignored him. But I wanted to tell him that I didn’t do that because I don’t think skin pigment has anything to do who a person is, and whenever someone suggests that it does, it’s a huge step back all people. Jay’s response was, “He could have at least said Hank Williams Jr.” Then we left.