Brian Asselstine

I write everything offline and once I publish it, I delete the offline copy. I wrote a really good blog two days ago and planned to wait until today to publish it. When I opened it, I thought I had already published it, so I deleted it. Oops. I don’t even remember what it was about. My bad.
I get very annoyed when people have funny names, but instead of accepting that they have a bad name, they pronounce it differently. Two recent examples. A lot of people have told me their name is “Winer,” but when I see it written, it’s spelled “Weiner.” We know what your name really is. Another guy told me his last name is “Coke,” but it was written, “Kock.” Because of this, I would like to salute four baseball players from the seventies who had silly mustaches and even worse names, but pronounced them as they were written. One of the guys names wasn’t weird back then, but it is now. Ryanconnercomedy.com salutes:
Brian Asselstine
Pete LaCock
Mike Tyson
Rusty Kuntz
I didn’t make up any of those names. You can look them up.
I saw an episode of the show Beauty and the Geek. Hilarious. It’s a show where they match hot, stupid girls with smart, awkward guys, for some reason… as if they would actually want to hang out with each other. Here are my two favorite quotes:
“I’m not really good at math. When I got to third grade, and they said something about fractions, I was like, ‘forget this!’” – Some Stupid Girl
“I’m really cut and I don’t want people to be like, ‘Hey Chris, you have a really wide back. Do you work out?’ I just don’t want the attention.” – Geeky guy on why he didn’t join the rest of the group in the hot tub. It should be noted that he’s really out of shape and hairy, and was flexing in his underwear when he said this.
As part of hostage negotiations, the US has released five female Iraqi prisoners, because apparently the kidnappers didn’t feel that we were oppressing the women up to their standards.
I’ve met people who say they’re musicians. Then I ask what they play. Their response: “I spin.” That’s fancy talk for “I play records.” That’s the same thing as someone saying they are a musician because they own an iPod. You aren’t a musician. You play other people’s music. Shut up.
The showcase at the Improv on Tuesday was cool. It was jam-packed with funny comics. John Razos and Derrick Thompson tied in first. Jon Eick got third. There were a few who didn’t place who are also hilarious, with Norman Wilkerson at the top of that list. Also, guitar comic, Adam Dodd, played a song about STD’s that tore the roof off. I think it was an Osmonds cover though. Whatever, it’s the singer, not the song…
Also, Mark Ratner, Freddi Vernell, and Katherine Thompson all did a good job.
Check out the showcase next month and see Brandon Ivey tear it up. He’s relatively new to comedy in DC. If you haven’t seen him, arrange to do so. He has potential to be great.