Halftime Shows

I have been sick this week. If you're worried about me, don't be. I feel a lot better now. I'm not at 100% yet, but hovering around 90%, which is fine because I won the World's Strongest Man Competion at 85%.
In my previous entry about Baltimore, I forgot to mention that the Iron Sheik came to my Saturday 9PM show. Yes, that Iron Sheik. I called my friend Al, who knows everything, to tell him about it. After the initial disbelief, he replied, “Well I knew he lived in the Baltimore area. He’s a parole officer or something like that.” How did he know that?

Anyway, during the show, I made a reference to his finishing move, The Camel Clutch. I was hoping that it would please him so much that he would offer to give me one of his old boots or something. But I was too scared to look at him when I said it. I did look at him at other times during my set and I can confidently say the Sheik likes my shit. I wanted to get a picture with him after the show, but I have to admit that I was too scared to approach him. He was a bad guy in wrestling, so in the back of my mind I thought he would be nice to me, just to get me away from my friends. Then, once no one was around, Nikita Kollof would come out of nowhere and hit me with the Russian Sickle, and when I went down, the Sheik would lock in the Camel Clutch. Yes, all of that went through my mind when I was on stage.

I went to the Wizards’ game on Monday. I always have fun at the games, but the halftime show is always terrible, except when they had New Edition. Here are the worst three, starting with Monday’s game:

1. In honor of Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday, they had a crappy marching band. MLK would have been proud. They sounded horrible. A marching band is supposed to have military-like discipline too. These people were just milling about the court… some marching, some walking, and some just standing in place. Also, normally a marching band will have a drum major, who conducts the band. They did have a drum major, but instead of conducting, he danced like Andre 3000, and at one time, I swear he started Crip-Walking.

2. This is one that I have proof of at least three halftime appearances. I saw them first with my friend Craig. Then he called me when he was at a game the following year to tell me they were back. And again, last year, another friend texted me from a game to tell me it was the worst halftime show ever, after I had told them about it. Here’s what they do: It’s a husband-wife tandem, and they change clothes REAL FAST. That’s it. They walk around the court, get behind a curtain or something, and change into a new outfit in only a couple seconds. HALFTIME IS FIFTEEN MINUTES! Can you imagine fifteen minutes of that? It’s the worst. The scary thing is that about half of the arena enjoyed it when I was there.

3. I like to call this halftime show, “Booking Error.” Someone had to lose a bet or something to make this happen. My brother, Allen, and I were at the game. We were ready for a crappy halftime show. 70% of the time it’s acrobats, which are boring, but I can’t do flips, so I think it’s cool to see people who can.

The PA guy announced the show. It was two brothers, whom we’ll call Hans and Lars. They came out dressed like He-Man would dress if he were around today. Then they started doing Cirque du Soleil type stuff. No flips or anything, just contortions, balance, lifting each other, etc… The thing that made it awkward is that every move they made ended with one of their crotches on the other one’s face. Not near the face. ON the face. Not only was it extremely gay, but also incestuous. The entire crowd was groaning the whole time. But no one could stop watching. It was one of the world’s great mysteries.

I hate Jake Delhomme so much.