Medieval on yo' ass

Medieval Times…

I went there last week. It was pretty cool, and I recommend it to everyone who is a human. It had WWF style drama, swords, wenches, a princess and a falcon.

-We took a bus from DC to the “arena” in Baltimore. On the bus, the bus driver instinctively put in Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood. It was pretty good, but I would have preferred more Leprechaun and less Hood. Fun fact: the leprechaun was played by Willow. I have five dollars that says that everyone, including his own mother, haven’t called him by his real name since he played Willow. He probably even wears his Willow costume everywhere. I know I would.

-The show started when these people rode out on horses and started saying some stuff in olde English about needing a new top knight (World Champion) or something like that. The Mean Gene character was pretty good, except I came back to reality when he said, “…the kingdom must find a replacement. And that replacement must be worthy of representing His Majesty. Also, we remind you that The Medieval Times is a non-smoking facility...”

-At one point, all of the knights and squires (managers) were in the arena, yelling at each other over who was going to win the 6-way battle (King of the Ring). Then the announcer said, “They can’t decide how to settle this matter. [to the crowd] How do you think we should settle this matter?” Then a lot of people from the crowd started yelling, “Fight for it!” as if there was a diplomatic alternative. There would have been a riot if they had decided to talk it through. “Let’s just give the yellow knight a chance. He’s a good knight and he tries real hard.” Other knights: “He’s right. Let’s give it to the yellow knight. TEAM HIGH FIVE!”

-Before the battle commenced, they had a five minute period of horse dancing. This consisted of dancing horses. It was probably the most unentertaining thing ever. I hate the idea of people dancing, so don’t get your horses to join in if I’m around. I hate horses just as much as dancing. Bad move, Medieval Times

-There was a woman who carried a falcon around (Koko B. Ware). She was a “Master Falconer.” She really didn’t do anything other than command her falcon. I like that. If anyone has info on becoming a falconer, send it on over: ryanconner@gmail.com

-During a battle between the Blue Knight (my section’s knight), the Brett Hart of the event, and the White Knight, the Paul Orndorff, a girl in my section yelled, “Chop off his head!!!” I wanted to tell her that it isn’t that serious, but I was scared.

-The same battle had a great ending. Both knights got knocked out. They were on their backs. The crowd was doing the 10 count. Orndorff started hulking up, and attacked Brett Hart just as he was getting up. Then Brett went on the offensive, but it wasn’t enough. The match was won when Paul Ordorff did a sunset flip (Hacksaw Jim Dugan) to Brett, and as soon as Brett hit the ground, he stabbed him.

-During one of the other matches, someone got kicked really hard in the face.

-I don’t know if it’s worse that I’ve included so many WWF parallels, or that I had so much fun at Medieval Times.

I had a lot more non-Medieval Times stuff to talk about, but I accidentally deleted them… my bad.