Hard Times
I’ve been away for a few days… updates:
-I’ll be at the Improv, March 1-5 with Bill Burr. If you’ve never seen him, get tickets. He really is phenomenal… much like how On Tap Magazine described me as a “phenom.” I make sure to call myself “The Phenom” about five times a day now. It helps me make friends.
-For NBA fans only:
I hate the Knicks with a deep, deep passion. I’m a hard-core Bulls fan, so it is justified. And, although I hate them so much, I can’t help but feel sorry for them. Their GM, Isaiah Thomas, is wrecking what could have been a solid team. He’s made a lot of questionable moves, including giving away practically every draft pick for the next 60 years, but the worst was made last night when he traded for Steve Francis. Francis’ nickname is “Stevie Franchise.” Scottie Pippen ripped him on his NBA.com blog, questioning what type of franchise he’s referring to. He, my friend Al, and I all believe that he’s put together a team of trememdously talented individuals, but they aren’t team players or winners. It’s like he’s put together a fantasy team. Fantasy teams don’t work in real life. That's why anyone can have a fantasy team, and only 32 people can have an NBA team. It’s hard to put together a roster that works.
I wish the Knicks would fire Isaiah, because if things keep getting worse, my hate for them will look totally out of line. That’s right… I want them to fire their GM, so I can still hate them. It makes sense to me.
-I’ve touched on this before, but it’s time to get re-touched. I really hate it when people reference a movie or a TV show that I’m not familiar with, and instead of letting it go, they explain the movie to me.
Example:
Me: Do you know Jeremy?
You: Yeah… Jeremy reminds me of Damon Wayans’ character in Major Payne.
Me: I’ve never seen that movie.
You: Well, Damon Wayans plays a guy who is a Major in the Army. He has some type of discipline problem… or maybe he retires… I don’t remember… So, anyway, he ends up being a drill sergeant or whatever at a private academy, which I think is in Virginia. There’s kid named Tiger in the movie. He pees in his pants, and they all make fun of him. That’s funny in Billy Madison when the kid pees in his pants… Anyway, Karen Parsons, you know, Hilary from Fresh Prince, is in it. She’s really hot too. The kids are always messing with Major Payne, because he’s a Major Payne in the ass, GET IT???? One time they gave him a bunch of ex-lax. Another time they sent Bam Bam Bigelow to fight him. In the end everything works out though. And he really reminds me of Jeremy.
Me: Way to stick with “Plan A” when I told you I haven’t seen the movie. We’re no longer friends.
If you are one of the people who do this, please stop. You are giving a lot of people anger issues.
-I got official headshots last Friday. A guy named Michael Woodward did them. If you’re in the DC area and need headshots, he’s your guy. I haven’t decided which one to use, but I did post a finalist on my myspace page.
He did a great job, but I hate being photographed anywhere. Studios are awkward no matter what. It’s so unnatural. “Look at me… tilt your head down… bring your right shoulder towards me…look up… don’t laugh…look natural…” Nothing about that is natural. When has anyone ever stood like that in a social situation? Never. "Craig, turn your shoulder to the right...lower your chin...because that's how you stand... now look at me..." It's awkward.
I find it even more annoying in social situations. Restaurants are the worst. What is the point of that picture? “This is James and I. We’re having a nice bisque.” Who cares?
It’s even worse at parties. “I know we’re having a lot of fun, but let’s completely destroy the moment and pose for a picture, while pretending that I didn't kill the fun. Come on guys, act like I didn’t ruin the night.”
-I was riding with a friend tonight when I was reminded of an old story.
I have eleven brothers. For a while, when I was little, there were only two us. The year was 1985 or 1986. I was 5 or 6 years old. My brother Brent was 8, 9 or 10. We were both really into a show called “Fall Guy.” He liked it because he actually liked it. I liked it because it was my brother’s favorite show. I don’t think I ever really knew what it was about though.
We used to always get into characters and pretend we were in TV shows, with G.I. Joe being the most frequent game (I was always Chuckles or Snake Eyes). But I didn’t know how to play Fall Guy because I didn’t understand the show. So, one summer day, Brent went outside for a few minutes, then came back in.
“Brent, what are you doing?”
“Brent? Who is Brent?”
“You are.”
“Are you talking about that kid I killed? I’m Fall Guy.”
“What? What are you talking about, Brent? I don’t like this game.”
“Game? It’s not a game. You may be my next victim if you don’t do what I say…”
Of course I knew it was Brent. He tried telling me that he got plastic surgery to look just like Brent, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew it was him. But he never gave in! This day convinced me that Brent could have been a great child actor, because he stayed in character for about four hours, scaring the absolute shit out of me, and making me think that he had to be Fall Guy. Why would Brent stay in character that long? G.I. Joe never went on for more than an hour. But, he had me doing chores for him all day. My mom would call. “We’re doing fine. I’m just hanging out with Fall Guy. Yeah, Fall Guy from TV. No, Brent isn’t here… just me and Fall Guy.” This went on all day, until about 30 minutes before my mom was to come home. At that time, he looked at me and said, “You better not tell anyone I was here.” Then he left.
About five minutes later, he walked back in as Brent and acted like none of it ever happened.
-I’m addicted to Hard Times’ chili, and today they were giving out a free bowl of chili with the purchase of anything in honor of National Chili Day. 1) Whichever president started National Chili Day should have his name wiped from the record books. I don’t care how slow the day is, it’s never slow enough for the president or congress to focus on chili. 2) I thought I was the only person aware of said promotion. I was wrong. I went with five other comics and there were 14 parties ahead of us. Come on Hard Times, did you have to tell everyone?
-This was in the news a few years ago, and I couldn’t believe it was ever accepted. For some reason, it caused no uproar at all. Finally, they’ve put a stop to it. Check out the link.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/02/23/abstinence.suit.ap/index.html
-If you order sushi that contains “spicy salmon,” try to remember that a Japanese person’s definition of “spicy” is much different than your mother’s. Your mouth will burn for hours.
-I’ll be at the Improv, March 1-5 with Bill Burr. If you’ve never seen him, get tickets. He really is phenomenal… much like how On Tap Magazine described me as a “phenom.” I make sure to call myself “The Phenom” about five times a day now. It helps me make friends.
-For NBA fans only:
I hate the Knicks with a deep, deep passion. I’m a hard-core Bulls fan, so it is justified. And, although I hate them so much, I can’t help but feel sorry for them. Their GM, Isaiah Thomas, is wrecking what could have been a solid team. He’s made a lot of questionable moves, including giving away practically every draft pick for the next 60 years, but the worst was made last night when he traded for Steve Francis. Francis’ nickname is “Stevie Franchise.” Scottie Pippen ripped him on his NBA.com blog, questioning what type of franchise he’s referring to. He, my friend Al, and I all believe that he’s put together a team of trememdously talented individuals, but they aren’t team players or winners. It’s like he’s put together a fantasy team. Fantasy teams don’t work in real life. That's why anyone can have a fantasy team, and only 32 people can have an NBA team. It’s hard to put together a roster that works.
I wish the Knicks would fire Isaiah, because if things keep getting worse, my hate for them will look totally out of line. That’s right… I want them to fire their GM, so I can still hate them. It makes sense to me.
-I’ve touched on this before, but it’s time to get re-touched. I really hate it when people reference a movie or a TV show that I’m not familiar with, and instead of letting it go, they explain the movie to me.
Example:
Me: Do you know Jeremy?
You: Yeah… Jeremy reminds me of Damon Wayans’ character in Major Payne.
Me: I’ve never seen that movie.
You: Well, Damon Wayans plays a guy who is a Major in the Army. He has some type of discipline problem… or maybe he retires… I don’t remember… So, anyway, he ends up being a drill sergeant or whatever at a private academy, which I think is in Virginia. There’s kid named Tiger in the movie. He pees in his pants, and they all make fun of him. That’s funny in Billy Madison when the kid pees in his pants… Anyway, Karen Parsons, you know, Hilary from Fresh Prince, is in it. She’s really hot too. The kids are always messing with Major Payne, because he’s a Major Payne in the ass, GET IT???? One time they gave him a bunch of ex-lax. Another time they sent Bam Bam Bigelow to fight him. In the end everything works out though. And he really reminds me of Jeremy.
Me: Way to stick with “Plan A” when I told you I haven’t seen the movie. We’re no longer friends.
If you are one of the people who do this, please stop. You are giving a lot of people anger issues.
-I got official headshots last Friday. A guy named Michael Woodward did them. If you’re in the DC area and need headshots, he’s your guy. I haven’t decided which one to use, but I did post a finalist on my myspace page.
He did a great job, but I hate being photographed anywhere. Studios are awkward no matter what. It’s so unnatural. “Look at me… tilt your head down… bring your right shoulder towards me…look up… don’t laugh…look natural…” Nothing about that is natural. When has anyone ever stood like that in a social situation? Never. "Craig, turn your shoulder to the right...lower your chin...because that's how you stand... now look at me..." It's awkward.
I find it even more annoying in social situations. Restaurants are the worst. What is the point of that picture? “This is James and I. We’re having a nice bisque.” Who cares?
It’s even worse at parties. “I know we’re having a lot of fun, but let’s completely destroy the moment and pose for a picture, while pretending that I didn't kill the fun. Come on guys, act like I didn’t ruin the night.”
-I was riding with a friend tonight when I was reminded of an old story.
I have eleven brothers. For a while, when I was little, there were only two us. The year was 1985 or 1986. I was 5 or 6 years old. My brother Brent was 8, 9 or 10. We were both really into a show called “Fall Guy.” He liked it because he actually liked it. I liked it because it was my brother’s favorite show. I don’t think I ever really knew what it was about though.
We used to always get into characters and pretend we were in TV shows, with G.I. Joe being the most frequent game (I was always Chuckles or Snake Eyes). But I didn’t know how to play Fall Guy because I didn’t understand the show. So, one summer day, Brent went outside for a few minutes, then came back in.
“Brent, what are you doing?”
“Brent? Who is Brent?”
“You are.”
“Are you talking about that kid I killed? I’m Fall Guy.”
“What? What are you talking about, Brent? I don’t like this game.”
“Game? It’s not a game. You may be my next victim if you don’t do what I say…”
Of course I knew it was Brent. He tried telling me that he got plastic surgery to look just like Brent, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew it was him. But he never gave in! This day convinced me that Brent could have been a great child actor, because he stayed in character for about four hours, scaring the absolute shit out of me, and making me think that he had to be Fall Guy. Why would Brent stay in character that long? G.I. Joe never went on for more than an hour. But, he had me doing chores for him all day. My mom would call. “We’re doing fine. I’m just hanging out with Fall Guy. Yeah, Fall Guy from TV. No, Brent isn’t here… just me and Fall Guy.” This went on all day, until about 30 minutes before my mom was to come home. At that time, he looked at me and said, “You better not tell anyone I was here.” Then he left.
About five minutes later, he walked back in as Brent and acted like none of it ever happened.
-I’m addicted to Hard Times’ chili, and today they were giving out a free bowl of chili with the purchase of anything in honor of National Chili Day. 1) Whichever president started National Chili Day should have his name wiped from the record books. I don’t care how slow the day is, it’s never slow enough for the president or congress to focus on chili. 2) I thought I was the only person aware of said promotion. I was wrong. I went with five other comics and there were 14 parties ahead of us. Come on Hard Times, did you have to tell everyone?
-This was in the news a few years ago, and I couldn’t believe it was ever accepted. For some reason, it caused no uproar at all. Finally, they’ve put a stop to it. Check out the link.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/02/23/abstinence.suit.ap/index.html
-If you order sushi that contains “spicy salmon,” try to remember that a Japanese person’s definition of “spicy” is much different than your mother’s. Your mouth will burn for hours.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 11:50 PM
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