Ricky Henderson hit 200 homeruns in one season?

I take back everything I wrote below about the t-shirts. I like them. The guy did a great job in a short amount of time. I'm going to leave up what I wrote because, although it's blown way out of proportion, I find it entertaining.

Parts of this are a little jumbled. I was tired when I wrote it...

I have given in, only two years into doing comedy, and am now doing something I’ve sworn to never do. I’m selling merchandise after club shows. No CDs. I still refuse to do that unless I’m headlining and have a legit CD. But I will be selling a t-shirt. I’ve always thought that selling things after shows is extremely cheesy and makes your set seem like it was just a commercial for a t-shirt, or in one case, a shot glass. I’m big on integrity, and I’ve always felt that hawking merchandise compromises the integrity of the comedy. My mind was recently changed. A couple friends of mine are making a killing off t-shirts, and I need to stack some money so I can hurry and move to NY. But, that wasn’t enough for me to start selling them because I still thought it was cheesy. A lot of comics that I like, and every band I know of, sells t-shirts, but don’t mention it onstage. So, my rule is that as long as I don’t announce that I will be selling t-shirts during my set, it won’t cheapen the comedy. That’s the rule.
It was last Friday that I decided to do this. I wanted them by this Wednesday so I would have them for my week at the DC Improv. So, I had a guy in Richmond rush them for me. The shirt design is simple; two words and a number on the front, and my website really small on the back… really small… I can’t stress how small I wanted it. So, I sent the design to the guy, and told him that I wanted navy shirts with white lettering. He said that would take about a week, but he could do black lettering on a white t-shirt by Monday (today). Black on white doesn’t look as good, but it is kind of a retro look, so I went for that. I only ordered 50 because I didn’t know how many I would sell, and I wanted to see what this guy would make for me. I would also like to point out that I sent him a picture of exactly what I wanted. The dimensions were there and everything. If someone says exactly half an inch, you can’t mess that up, right?
At 6PM, my friend Quincy and I set out for a trip to Richmond to pick up the shirts. On our way, we stopped at a Roy Rogers. I was really excited about Roy Rogers because they have a great roast beef sandwich. But when we got inside, I looked at the menu and couldn’t find it. Apparently they stopped selling them two years ago. Oops. I ordered a burger instead. The girl asked what I wanted on it. I said ketchup, mustard and tomato. She said, “I can give you packets for the ketchup and mustard.”
“You can’t just put it on there?”
“No.”
“Does it come with a sauce or something?” I was thinking it had a crazy new sauce.
“It comes with mayonnaise.”
I hesitated, then responded, “Please don’t put mayonnaise on my sandwich.”
That’s not a sauce, or an acceptable burger spread. It’s a disgusting idea, and if you do it, I’m reporting you to the government for suspected witchcraft.
I still could not understand why they couldn’t put ketchup or mustard on my burger, but came to accept it because I was in Stafford and I don’t understand about 60% of the things that go on there.
As Quincy and I were waiting, I noticed that the cashier’s shirt said, “2 Thick.” I pointed it out to Quincy, and we couldn’t stop laughing. The whole staff was wearing them. I guess it’s a reference to a “Thickburger” they serve, but come on… I agree that sex sells for most products, but if a cashier with 6 teeth and 8 chins is wearing a shirt that says “2 Thick,” it might have an adverse effect. I’m just sayin’.
Back to the road…
I called the guy to tell him we would be about twenty minutes late. He talks a lot like Boomhauer from King of the Hill, so I’m not sure what he said, but I think he was okay with it.
We arrived around 8:25. The guy walked up to us. He looked exactly like Cooter, from The Dukes of Hazard (scroll to the bottom for my Dukes of Hazard evaluation). I have no idea what he said to us. He brought us into his store, which contained a lot of Confederate memorabilia. I was really uncomfortable. If I were in Quincy’s (who is black) position, I would hate me right now.
He pointed to my box of shirts… they weren’t what I ordered. I couldn’t believe it. It looked like a Cub Scout’s project. The words on the front had been ironed on, so there is a slightly discolored outline of the words. Then I turned it over and my website is HUGE. I wanted it to be like the bottom line on the vision test chart, but it’s like the third one from the top. So, I wasn’t comfortable with the quality or the layout of the shirt. But, I was even less comfortable about standing in front of 50 Confederate flags. I’m not saying he’s racist, but stuff like that really creeps me out. That’s worse than having a sign that says, “Whites only,” but for some reason people think it’s acceptable. Anyway, I thanked him and left.
In retrospect, considering that this is the guy’s website ( www.colorimagery.com ), I probably shouldn’t have trusted him on anything that’s visual oriented. Seriously, check out the site. It’s amazing.
In the car, Quincy and I talked it over… we were a little over-the-top about it. After seeing them at home, I see that they’re not terrible. They look like something someone would buy from Goodwill and receive high-fives from friends for doing so. Since that’s not what I was going for, I think I will try to return them. But if I do sell them, Quincy and I decided that I should pitch them as washcloths, dipstick cleaners, tourniquets or friend eliminators. Another option is to sell them as if they are defects. There are only 50 of them too. Maybe I could create a high demand because they’re so rare. They would be like baseball error cards. The card that says Ricky Henderson hit 200 homeruns in 1985 is wrong, but it’s more valuable than the correct one. We had other ideas too, but I forgot them. How about if you just buy one?
If I get another batch, I already found another supplier and they will be nice. If you get one of the current ones and later decide that you don’t like it, I’ll send you one of the nice ones for free. We’ll be working on the honor code.
-The Dukes of Hazard… I watched it when I was little. I didn’t understand what the show was about at the time. I just liked car chases. Now I know that the show is about a family of bootleggers who evade the police, while driving a car that has a Confederate flag on it. Why was this show aimed toward kids? I don’t get it. They’re selling illegal liquor. What about that says “kid’s show”? That’s like having a show about a crack dealer who runs from the police and has a hot cousin that wears shirts that says “2 Thick.” Not child-friendly.
-I have a lot to write about from the weekend, but I’m tired now, so it must wait. Here’s a sample:
I opened for a guy in Pennsylvania this weekend, who told the following joke onstage. “Did you hear about the guy who o-d’d on toad? Yeah, he croaked.” I opened for that guy. More to come…
Please buy a t-shirt.