Ryan gets gay about his NY shows...

I spent the past 5 days in NY on a comedy adventure. Going in, I was a little intimidated because I knew that most of the comics I would be performing with would be headliners with Comedy Central and HBO specials. It’s hard to look at those comics as peers, when only three years ago, I looked at them as being at a nearly unattainable level. Then I would tell myself that it’s just another set of thousands that I will do, which is sort of a lie.
CUT TO: DAY-BY-DAY BREAKDOWN
Int. – Caroline’s on Broadway – Wednesday Night
The Caroline’s show was fun. It’s an amazing club. But the crowd was very small. Bill Burr followed me and ripped the place apart. That guy is great. I’m featuring for him at the DC Improv next month. Get tickets, sucka! There was also a guy named Harris Thanton on the show, who I thought was really funny. If you’re watching Comedy Central and his Premium Blend comes on, watch it.
That night, Erin Conroy (www.erinconroy.com) and I were waiting for the subway to take us back to her apartment in Brooklyn, when a normal-looking woman walked up to us and sang, “I’m stuck on Band-Aids, ‘cause Band-Aids are stuck on me!” Then she smiled at us and said, “Right?” I was sure this woman was about to steal my soul if I didn’t do what she wanted, so Erin and I nodded, “Right!” Without missing another beat, the woman broke into another song, “Jesus loves me, yes I know. ‘Cause the bible tells me so…” Erin looked at me and said, “Did she just go from ‘Band-Aids’ straight into ‘Jesus Loves Me’?” Affirmative, Conroy. Affirmative. Then the woman pressed play on a boom box that was lying on the ground behind her. A traditional Mexican song came blaring out, which she sang beautifully. She actually was a great singer. Everyone on the platform watched and applauded. But no record company is ever going to take her seriously if she keeps opening with the Band-Aids song. Why to you think Rockwell never really took off?
Thursday night I saw Sigur Ros at Madison Square Garden Theatre with Rory Scovel, his girlfriend, and his ex-girlfriend. He’s the only person on earth who can bring his girlfriend with him to NY and stay at his ex-girlfriend’s apartment, without a trace of awkwardness. The concert was so great that I heard they might start a new religion based on it. And I will be a member of that religion, along with Kings of the Beach stars, Randy Stoklos and Sinjin Smith. You can join too. Just make sure you bring plenty of marshmallows. What???? Go to the next paragraph. Don’t even bother re-reading what I just wrote. It’s not worth it. It’s called “filler.”
Friday night I had the biggest opportunity I’ve had thus far in comedy. A great comic, whose name I won’t mention, but will say that he’s the Obi Wan Kenobi of comedy, set me up with an audition at The Comedy Cellar. This is the most prestigious club in the country. And it’s nearly impossible to get an audition. This is the club where Chris Rock, Colin Quinn, Dave Attell, Dave Chappelle, Jerry Seinfeld and countless other greats work out their material. I got there, knowing that I would be about ten years the junior of the next youngest comic on the show, which is cool and a bit intimidating, because I didn’t want them to think I was some punk who didn’t realize what an opportunity it was.
Because I stayed at a different place every night, I was at the disposal of my friends at every moment. This meant that I had to go to the Village with them at 5PM, even though my show was at 11:30. The twenty minutes you are at a show before going onstage are the longest minutes imaginable because you want to get on stage right away. That twenty-minute wait was six and a half hours on Friday. It was torture… watching the clock… thinking about what could go wrong… thinking about how lucky I was to get the audition, etc… I finally got to the club and had to look for the lady who runs the club. I was told not to bother her right then because she was hanging out with Robin Williams, who had just got off stage. When they finished talking, I caught up with her outside the club and introduced myself. She was very nice. And I asked if she had any idea when I would go up. She said it would be determined by whether or not Robin Williams and Jeffrey Ross (one of my all-time favorites) wanted to do a set at the show. This marked the first time that Robin Williams had directly influenced my life. Although I would have loved to see Robin Williams perform, he’s probably the hardest comic in the world to follow, so I wasn’t completely in favor of him performing.
About 20 minutes later, the show was starting. The comics all hang out in the restaurant above the club. But I wasn’t about to ask Robin Williams and Jeff Ross to slide over, so I could grab a seat, so I watched the show from the back of the club. About five minutes into the show, Robin came down the steps and left. Our jackets touched, but that’s neither here nor there. Since he wouldn’t be doing a set, I was told that I would be going up right after Jim Norton and Mitch Fatel, and right before Darrell Hammond. Everyone kills at the Cellar, and Norton and Fatel were no exception. I was introduced by Pete Dominick, who was hilarious, and got the crowd nice and ripe. As soon as he said my name, all the nerves went away, and it was just like any other show. I had a good set. Not great. Not bad. When I got off stage, first, Darrell Hammond stopped me to say that he thought I was funny. Then I was invited back by the booker and owner. So, I passed my audition at the Comedy Cellar. This is what I’ve been working towards ever since I started. I didn’t think I’d have a shot at getting in there for another 5 years, but I’ve had a lot of good luck, which has helped. To me, this is bigger than getting a Comedy Central special.
When you walk into the Cellar, you see the signed headshots of all the great comics who have come through the Cellar… Mitch Hedberg, Andy Kaufman, Jerry Seinfeld, Colin Quinn, Jeff Ross, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Robin Williams, Dave Attell, Jon Stewart, Jon Lovitz, Damon Wayans, Gary Shandling, Todd Barry, Ray Romano, Darrell Hammond, David Spade, Louis C.K., and more… I can’t even describe what it feels like to be invited back to that place.
I have some funny stuff to write about too, which I will do later. First, I wanted to gay it up about my NY shows.
I have a few new jokes for this week. One is about growing up with mandatory friends (ie. The neighbor who you don’t like, but hang out with because he has a pool.)