I'm a nerd

A few months ago, I posted my favorite search strings that led to my website with the intention of making it a monthly post. However, I was bored by the idea, so I never followed through with it. But, today I’m sitting in New York at a friends apartment, wanting to write about some ideas I had, but due to the neighbor’s blaring cheesy pop music, I can’t write anything that requires thought. So, here’s a list of my favorite search strings that led to my website.
Actually, before I list the actual searches, I would like to send a message to whomever it is that keeps using the “dogpile” search engine: stop it. I know you’re trying to be cool by using a lesser known search engine, just so that when someone says “google it,” you can reply, “Google? I use dogpile. It’s much better and not corporate.” Grow up.

Category: Stop Being Creepy
“Ryan conner backstage” – Any way you look at this, it’s creepy. Someone either wants to relive a backstage moment, or they are wondering what I do backstage at shows. Or, the porn star, Ryan Conner, has a movie called “Backstage.”

Category: I Answer Their Questions
“Red-devil Carlisle comedy line-up” – Does it really matter? Do you really think you have heard of anyone who would be playing Red Devil Pizzeria?
“dress code baltimore comedy factory” – As long as your gun is concealed.
“Medieval times/blue knight” – If you stop searching for things like this, you too can have friends.

Category: How did this link to my site?
“In da club tipsy” – Sure it’s a great song, but I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it on my site. Is google linked up to my brain or something?
“Hasidic jews handshake” – What? Do they really have a secret handshake? I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t trust anyone who belongs to a group that has a secret handshake, because anyone who thinks it’s necessary to keep something like a handshake secret is stupid. What’s going to happen if the secret gets out?
“Kirk hinrich underwear” – Hinrich is one of my favorite basketball players, but I have no idea what the underwear talk is about.
“lyrics for when u step into the crip...get in your b day suit.” – I’ve never even heard of this song, but I have a feeling the lyrics are Emerson-like. Good use of the google search.
“what is ovarian eleison” – I have no clue. How disappointed this person must have been when my site was suggested to answer this question…
“hollywood bag ladies lupus” – I don’t really understand what this person was looking for either.

Category: I know why you were sent to my website, and my reaction to your search…
“Clothes changers at nuggets halftime” – This must be linked to my Halftime Shows blog about the worst halftime shows I’ve ever seen. The clothes changers are a husband-wife team who change their clothes really fast. That’s it. That’s the whole show. I recommend reading the whole blog entry.
Also, since they were at a Nuggets’ game, this implies that the clothes changers do roadwork.
“Toilet paper comparisons” – First of all, your Internet privileges should be revoked for searching this. You’re an adult. Go to the grocery store and look at the toilet paper. Do you really want to trust the opinion of someone who goes online to post his or her opinion on toilet paper? How is that not a wasted moment in your life? How does someone wipe their ass, and think, “I have to let the world know about that one!”

Category: I recommend revoking your Internet privileges too.
“funny hilarious voicemail greetings what would you say” – Come on. Stop it. There’s no such thing as a funny voicemail greeting. They all come off as annoying.
Also, learn how to form a search string.
“i am looking up the directions for hilary s favorate restaurant” – More than likely, this person was typing an IM and accidentally clicked on a different window and sent his or her IM to a google search. If that’s not the case, I think Bill Engvall would give you a sign.
“wiggety whack definition” – Wow.

Category: I don’t understand this search
“david angelo porn star” – David Angelo is a comic friend of mine from Chicago. If there is a porn star named David Angelo, I’m going to have to assume that the porn industry is stealing names from comics.