Florida Burning

I have been away for a while, and it’s time to write a new series of words. As a side note, I’m going to start posting some of my favorite blog entries on my myspace page.
The new series of words begins now…
-My little brother, TJ, 9, got mad at my brother Joaquim, 13, and said, "If you call me a snitch one more time, I'm telling mom."
-A message for Phoenix Suns coach, Mike D’Antoni: Shave your mustache. You look like a DARE officer. It’s too late. Your players already smoke weed.
-I have a joke about ryanconner.com being a porn site, but for some reason, I’ve never mentioned why I didn’t get ryanconner.net for my site. I think it may be just as funny as the porn star story. It belongs to a guy in Des Moines, who shares my name. Does he have the site to advertise for his company? No. Does he have it to promote his music career? No. Does he have the site because he writes a popular blog? Not at all. There has to be a demand for the site, or else he wouldn’t have it, right? Of course there’s a demand. I’ll tell you what’s on his site, and I think you’ll understand its necessity.
Ryanconner.net includes his picture, phone number and a timeline of his life, which includes a series of enthralling events, such as: Joining the Boy Scouts, an account of every time he’s moved, the time he babysat for someone, and who could forget the time his step-dad remarried? He also has converted to Christianity, making him the final Des Moines resident to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. This happened shortly before his aunt Pat died, and while he was working for the school system as a computer consultant. That sounds like a great time! This was, of course, followed by a whole lot of churchin’ it up, which brings us right up to his recent 26th birthday. Happy 26th, Ryan Conner of Des Moines. Thanks for taking my website. I appreciate it, and I’m glad you need it.
By the way, I’m sure he’s a nice guy.
-The Wizard of Oz does not sync up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. The next time a pothead tells me that, I’m taking his hacky sack.
-I did a show at the Bethesda Hyatt a few weeks ago. The room was full of old, rich white people. This demographic tends to dislike me. I did my joke about a guy being a Subaru enthusiast, and they were clueless. They stared at me like they didn’t even understand the words that came out of my mouth. I think one guy actually said to his wife, “Subaru? Isn’t that the name of the Chinaman who does our shrubs?”
-While we’re on the subject of racism… I was in Florida last weekend.
I wasn’t expecting over-the-top racism there, but I saw it like I had never seen it before. When someone is racist, no matter their race, they assume that everyone else of their race feels the same way. This leads them to share their ignorance. On one hand, it sucks because I’d like to think people don’t think like that any longer. But, on the other hand, it’s great because I get to find out whom to stay away from.
The first racist thing happened in the hotel restaurant. The manager, a white woman in her 40s, approached our table to ask how the meal was. She had an accent. When asked about it, she said she was from South Africa. Within ten seconds, she had flipped the racism switch and said, “I don’t understand how Mandela was elected… not for racial reasons, but the man is a terrorist. He killed innocent people. He should be in jail.” I didn’t realize people still held this belief. I think it’s the South African version of racist southerners who still insist that the Civil War was over state’s rights. Let’s breakdown what she said.
“I don’t understand how Mandela was elected…” – Probably because he helped bring an end to apartheid, which was a means of oppression for 80% of the country. That 80% most likely voted for him.
“…not for racial reasons” – Whenever someone says, “not for racial reasons,” what they mean is, “totally for racial reasons.” That’s like saying, “I’m not trying to be a dick…” But that’s exactly what you’re doing.
“…but the man is a terrorist. He killed innocent people. He should be in jail.” – Ooh. I’m not so sure about that. He was convicted by the same people who forcefully segregated blacks, forced them to carry Passports in their own country, denied them of decent jobs, controlled 87% of the land, and randomly killed them as they pleased. Sure, he may have killed people, but I don’t think it counts when you’re leading a revolution against legalized racial oppression.
We got serious for a moment.
The second racist episode was a little funnier, since apartheid wasn’t involved. It was more based on pure ignorance.
A girl, whom we’ll call Kristina (since it is her name), worked at the theatre where we were performing and wanted us to hang out with her and her friends after the last show. We were pretty sure we weren’t going to hang out with them, but we would give her a ride to her friend’s house anyway. She was quiet and seemed nice. Then the Smirnoff Ice started flowing. First, she started talking about how she grew up privileged and never needs to work a day in her life. I wanted to tell her, “Your parents are rich, not you.” When someone earns their money, they tend to downplay it. When a young, dumb slut has access to someone else’s money, they love to brag about it. When she got tired of talking about her riches, she moved on to talking about how hot she is. It should be noted that she was barely above average. If looks were an NBA team, she’d be the 4th player off the bench. We had already committed to taking her to the friend’s house though, and we figured we could put up with it for a little while longer.
We got into the limo as she was telling a friend on her cellphone that she was getting into the limo with us. SHE IS SOOOO KEWL, LOL, BRB, WTF, BOGHGHDHDF!
Less than two minutes after getting into the car, she started bragging about the fact that she went to University of Florida, which is a lot like bragging that you’re wearing GAP jeans. Anyone can do that, and no one cares. Because I wasn’t talking, she started making fun of the fact that I’m from Virginia by saying that the Blue Ridge Mountains are boring. Now, you can make fun of me and call me names. But when you start insulting mountain ranges, that’s when it starts to hurt. LOL WTF CUNT (Can’t Understand ‘Noying Twats) ;) BRB LOL!J>
When she finished with her cutting-edge landscape roast, she goes back to talking about University of Florida. In a moment that changed my life, she actually said, “Florida is the Harvard of the south. That’s what people call it.” We started laughing hysterically. “Whatever, you guys. Whatever! It is. It’s like the best school there is. Fuck Miami and UCF. The Gators are the Harvard of the south.” If I could make stuff like this up, I would be the best comic in history. Harvard of the SOUTH? That’s like calling Berry Blue the champagne of Kool-Aids.
She kept repeating crap like that for several minutes. No one cared. It was ridiculous. The irony of an idiot bragging about how great their school is, is a delicious brand of irony. Goes well with gravy.
She would not stop talking about it. To validate her claim, she started talking about their admissions standards, which is a conversation that no one ever has once they have been accepted to a college. Why would anyone care? She said, “You have to have a 1300 on your SATs and a really good GPA to get in.” I said, “1300 isn’t really that high. It’s pretty good, but you need 1500 or higher to get into Harvard. 1300 is usually the standard for a decent state school.” That really pissed her off and prompted her to shoot back, “Whatever. My friend got a 1300 and was valedictorian, and still didn’t get in.” Colin Quinn, whom I was opening for, replied, “I thought you said you can get in with a 1300?” Without hesitation, she looked at the color of our skin, to make sure we were all members of the gringo club, and said, “Yeah, well he didn’t get accepted because he’s white… fucking affirmative action… don’t even get me started on that.” So, I said, “I know. What’s with everyone trying to oppress white people these days?” She thought I was serious. How can she think that, especially living in Florida. I’m white and I admit that practically everything in this country is catered to white people. You can’t deny that.
She asked us what colleges we went to. I told her I went to George Mason. She told me that SHE beat ME in the Final Four, as if we were on the teams. BURN! Colin told her that he went to Harvard, which northerners affectionately refer to as the University of Florida of the North (By the way, nothing says “scholarly” like that Gator mascot). She didn’t believe it. So, he said that he actually went to DUKE on a lacrosse scholarship. This was no more than three minutes after her last Jim Crowe, and she was on a bigot roll. She actually said, “Yeah, that is total bullshit. There’s no way those guys raped that girl. It’s obvious she’s saying it because she’s black and the players are white.”
I said, “So, you’re saying that black girls fake rape because they’re black?”
“Yeah. It’s bullshit. They go to DUKE, so the guys are rich and she wants money.”
“They are scholarship athletes. They aren’t rich. Besides, accusing someone of rape, isn’t a very effective method to get money. First, you said race, and now you’re saying money…”
There were a couple more exchanges, until we finally got her out of the car. And what did we learn? New stereotypes. The new list of black stereotypes, according to Kristina the bigot, is: chicken, watermelon, orange soda, can’t swim, plays basketball and most of all, they’re all a bunch of rape fakers.
So, move over John Starks. Kristina has taken your place as my most-hated human being on the planet.
-At a bar in NY, Andy Kline and I saw a guy wearing a shirt that said, “My Goal is Your Hole.” I have a feeling that the shirt may prevent him from attaining his goal. Andy took a picture of the shirt. Bye-bye.