Frank Hong Really Has It Together

-The Congressional Baseball game was held at RFK last night. I didn’t go this year, because I don’t like baseball and the outcome is so predictable. But, I went the previous two years and I got a rundown from last night’s game. Over the past three years, the Republicans have outscored the Democrats by about 40 runs. I’m not exaggerating. The Republicans more dominant than the Globetrotters. It isn’t fair at all. The Democrats have a bunch of guys who were probably decent in Little League, while the Republicans have a roster of former minor-league players, college players, and a former track world-record holder in Jim Ryun.
So, in order to make the annual sporting event competitive, I think the Democrats should propose that they play another sport. The problem is that no one would want to watch a bunch of middle-aged men play basketball, football or soccer. So, I say they pick something that requires no athletic ability, but would be competitive, such as bowling, darts or beer pong. All three of those games are up for grabs whenever any amateur plays them. I think beer pong would be the most exciting though. The Republicans would probably have better aim since they all used to play for the Yankees. They would come out strong, hitting the cups early. But anchored by Ted and Patrick Kennedy, the Democrats would have a lot of stamina. They could be 20 games in and still unfazed. So the game would be an exciting match of skill versus stamina. It’s like Lewis-Holyfield. Someone needs to propose this.
-I have horrible luck with choosing seats when traveling by bus between NY and DC. It always looks like I’m going to have my own row, but just before the bus leaves, Fat Albert, who snores when he’s awake and chews when there’s nothing in his mouth, gets on and sits next to me. A few days ago, I was surrounded by the worst possible combination of passengers. Just by turning my head slightly, I could see no less than six people wearing bluetooth headsets, who weren’t talking on them. They were wearing them “just in case” someone calls. I guess you can never be too careful about making sure you look like a tool when on the phone. What if someone calls and you aren’t already wearing the headset? Then you might have to hold the phone up to your ear, which would require you to put down your copy of GQ. Then you might lose your place, and you don’t want to do that, because you were just getting to the exciting part about Hugo Boss’ new Fall line of button-down shirts, which don’t wrinkle, but still feel like 100% cotton. So, keep the headsets on. In front of me was a guy talking on his Nextel two-way, non-stop. So, we could all hear the conversation. The guy on the other end was supposed to pick something up from somewhere, but he was having a hard time doing it. The guy on the bus was not very happy about it, because item really needed to be picked up. The two people to my left were eating Indian food. That gets smelly on a bus. A kid was sitting behind me, kicking my seat the whole time. And to top it off, the fat guy du jour who sat next to me was reading a book called “The Game”, which I thought was a book about pimps, which could be interesting. Then I figured out that it’s a book about picking up women. 400 pages about picking up women! I glanced at one of the pages and read this sentence: “Then I initiated tonguedown.” If you own this book, go ahead and quit life. Do it. Just quit. You aren’t getting anywhere. That book should be two chapters. The first chapter should say, “Just be yourself.” And the second chapter should say, “Well… not really.”
I hate Germany
-My friend John had a sitcom moment recently. He had some suits, ties and shirts in a garbage bag, to take to the cleaners. For some reason, he put them next to a garbage bag that was full of garbage. Then he got the bags mixed up and threw his suits away, and didn’t realize it until the trash had already been picked up. This is my same friend who did butter shots in Las Vegas. Check the pictures page for those. He’s also the same friend from the below picture.

-Frank Hong and I watched the NBA Draft together on Wednesday. The announcers always have interesting ways of saying that certain players are stupid. My favorites from this year were:
“He is not good with testing… does not do well on tests…”
“His problem is that he doesn’t pick up concepts. He just doesn’t seem to understand them…”
Other good moments:
The overused adjectives of the year, used to describe players with long arms and little skill were “long” and “raw”. I think that sounds a tad too sexual for basketball.
Stuart Scott said “Old-school” twice in the first five minutes of the draft. He said it in terms that didn’t even make sense. “Alright, you went to school in Texas… pretty old-school.” Thankfully, someone must have told him to stop it.
-When I was performing in Miami a couple months ago, I thought something was a little off about the city. I couldn’t figure it out though. Then I was watching game 5 of the NBA Finals, in Miami, which was last week… 2006. Gary Payton hit a key shot at the end of the game, and without hesitation, the crowd started singing, “Whoop! There it is…” That pretty much sums up Miami.
-Argentina just lost to Germany in a shootout in the World Cup. Germany beat them fair and square, but I would like to point out that they play like punks. They dive like Matt Biondi. It’s like a team of Vlade Divacs just falling all over the place without getting touched. If Italy beats Ukraine, Germany vs. Italy should just be considered the World Diving Championships. Two birds… They both play disgracefully. They have great players, especially Italy, but play with little integrity.
So, how did Argentina lose? Their keeper was injured, so they had to waste a sub on him, replacing him with someone with only 4 national team appearances (not many). Up 1-0, they decided to try to defend Germany and hold on to the one goal lead. So, they used their last two subs for a defensive midfielder and a big forward who has no ball-skill. They took out their best two offensive players for these guys. Soon after the subs, Germany tied it up with a header that should have been saved. The game remained tied through overtime, leading to a shootout.
Ideally, Argentina’s penalty shooters would be Crespo, Saviola, Riquelme, Messi and Tevez. Because of their defensive-minded subs, Tevez was the only one in the game. With two defenders taking the penalties and an inexperienced keeper, Argentina had no chance in the shootout.
Argentina is awarded the FIFA Fair Play Award regularly in international tournaments for playing cleanly, within the rules. To add to the lack of class of the German team, their assistant coach, Bierhoff, started a fight with Roberto Ayala, Argentina’s star defender, after the game. It was the only World Cup game I’ve ever seen in which the players refused to trade jerseys. Argentina’s Carlos Tevez and Germany’s Podolski were the only players to do so.
I really hate Germany.