things
-If you want to end a conversation quickly, accidentally bite the inside of your cheek and scream like a girl, saying, “I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding.” People will think you’re crazy when you start screaming that in conversation. It works for me.
-My new career plan… Frank Hong and I are in on it. If you want in, let me know.
I just heard about paparazzi getting millions of dollars for certain celebrity pictures. Here’s how the plan works: If Frank is famous before me (or vice versa), I get to take random photos of him doing weird thing, and sell them to various magazines. We split the money 50/50. Since I would have the best access to him, the other paparazzi wouldn’t be able to compete with my close-up photos of him playing with a baby that may or may not be his. And who could turn down the picture of Frank Hong walking out of a 7-11, just like you and I walk out of a 7-11. That has to be the worst page of the celebrity magazines. “Colin Farrell eats ice-cream, just like you!” Wow.
-Here is what happened. I was at Topaz last Thursday when my Blackberry vibrated to remind me of something on my calendar. I pulled it out to see what it was. I was being reminded that I was missing a Radiohead concert that I had tickets for in Philadelphia. It was easily the most crushing moment of my life. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m obsessed with Radiohead. They’ve only toured the US once in the last 5 years and the concert in the DC area got cancelled, so I had never seen them. I had been thinking about this concert non-stop since I was able to get a ticket, which is about as hard as getting a Super Bowl ticket. For some reason, I lost track of the date, and thought the concert was a week later. No one misses a show like this. There were probably only 4 empty seats in the entire theatre, and the other three people died. That’s the only valid excuse for missing a Radiohead concert. I was sure that they would play the best show ever, and then break up the next morning.
I went home, desperate to get a ticket to their show at the same theatre on the next night, and scoured Craigslist. Luckily, someone offered to sell me a ticket for only $125, which is what she paid for it.
Friday afternoon, I headed up to Upper Darby, PA for the show. On the way up, there was a $5 toll in the middle of nowhere in Maryland. I thought it made a lot of sense to have a toll there. After all, how else would they pay for all the nothing around there. The place is full of nothing, and we know that nothing doesn’t pay for itself. There wasn’t even road construction to justify the toll. It’s just sitting in the middle of nowhere. Just a thought: Hey Maryland, Deleware and NJ, how about paying for your roads with tax money like everyone else? Oh man. I just put those states in their places. They are going to feel pretty shitty the next time they see me.
I got to the concert after a 3-hour drive. The opening act, Willy Mason, was great. He has a song called “Oxygen” that I highly recommend. And Radiohead was unbelievable. It was a top-5 life-moment.
Funny things during the show:
A guy in front of me took his shirt off during their opening song, “There There”, and proceeded to make snakelike movements throughout the concert. The best thing about this guy was that he put his shirt back on for certain songs. “I can’t be shirtless during “Lucky”. That just wouldn’t be right.”
The guy next to me started shadowboxing during “Let Down”.
-My friend Jim is more dedicated to a cause than anyone I’ve ever met. He’s been boycotting Arby’s for 14 years, because of an incident in which he and his brother ordered chocolate shakes and were given vanilla. When they told the employee about it, she gave them more vanilla shakes. When they told her the second round was vanilla as well, she told them to leave. Instead of boycotting this problematic Arby’s, he has boycotted the entire franchise since 1992.
You would think that as he’s aged, he would let it go. Just the opposite has happened. Last year, as he was serving a year in Iraq, Jim found time between dodging bullets to write a letter to the president of Arby’s to let him know about the incident. The president corresponded in a timely manner, apologizing for the incident and he even gave Jim a coupon for a free meal. Jim didn’t want any Arby’s reparations though. Instead he has hung the letter and coupon on a wall in his house like it’s a prized moose that he shot. It’s his version of victory.
Until a couple days ago, I thought that was the whole story. But I hung out with his sister over the weekend and she told me about another interesting Arby’s episode. Four years ago, Jim was visiting his grandmother, who had brain cancer. Brain cancer. She was hungry, and turned to Jim to ask, “Jim, would you mind going to Arby’s to get me a roast beef sandwich?”
Jim looked at his grandmother and said, “I can’t. I can go anywhere else for you though.”
“I just want a roast beef sandwich from Arby’s though.”
“It’s kind of a long story, but I’ve been boycotting Arby’s for 10 years. So, I can’t do it. Do you like Burger King?”
“You can go through the drive-thru. You won’t even have to go inside!”
“I can’t do it. This is an issue that is bigger than the hunger of you or I. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to pick something else.”
“But Jim, I have brain cancer.”
-My new career plan… Frank Hong and I are in on it. If you want in, let me know.
I just heard about paparazzi getting millions of dollars for certain celebrity pictures. Here’s how the plan works: If Frank is famous before me (or vice versa), I get to take random photos of him doing weird thing, and sell them to various magazines. We split the money 50/50. Since I would have the best access to him, the other paparazzi wouldn’t be able to compete with my close-up photos of him playing with a baby that may or may not be his. And who could turn down the picture of Frank Hong walking out of a 7-11, just like you and I walk out of a 7-11. That has to be the worst page of the celebrity magazines. “Colin Farrell eats ice-cream, just like you!” Wow.
-Here is what happened. I was at Topaz last Thursday when my Blackberry vibrated to remind me of something on my calendar. I pulled it out to see what it was. I was being reminded that I was missing a Radiohead concert that I had tickets for in Philadelphia. It was easily the most crushing moment of my life. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m obsessed with Radiohead. They’ve only toured the US once in the last 5 years and the concert in the DC area got cancelled, so I had never seen them. I had been thinking about this concert non-stop since I was able to get a ticket, which is about as hard as getting a Super Bowl ticket. For some reason, I lost track of the date, and thought the concert was a week later. No one misses a show like this. There were probably only 4 empty seats in the entire theatre, and the other three people died. That’s the only valid excuse for missing a Radiohead concert. I was sure that they would play the best show ever, and then break up the next morning.
I went home, desperate to get a ticket to their show at the same theatre on the next night, and scoured Craigslist. Luckily, someone offered to sell me a ticket for only $125, which is what she paid for it.
Friday afternoon, I headed up to Upper Darby, PA for the show. On the way up, there was a $5 toll in the middle of nowhere in Maryland. I thought it made a lot of sense to have a toll there. After all, how else would they pay for all the nothing around there. The place is full of nothing, and we know that nothing doesn’t pay for itself. There wasn’t even road construction to justify the toll. It’s just sitting in the middle of nowhere. Just a thought: Hey Maryland, Deleware and NJ, how about paying for your roads with tax money like everyone else? Oh man. I just put those states in their places. They are going to feel pretty shitty the next time they see me.
I got to the concert after a 3-hour drive. The opening act, Willy Mason, was great. He has a song called “Oxygen” that I highly recommend. And Radiohead was unbelievable. It was a top-5 life-moment.
Funny things during the show:
A guy in front of me took his shirt off during their opening song, “There There”, and proceeded to make snakelike movements throughout the concert. The best thing about this guy was that he put his shirt back on for certain songs. “I can’t be shirtless during “Lucky”. That just wouldn’t be right.”
The guy next to me started shadowboxing during “Let Down”.
-My friend Jim is more dedicated to a cause than anyone I’ve ever met. He’s been boycotting Arby’s for 14 years, because of an incident in which he and his brother ordered chocolate shakes and were given vanilla. When they told the employee about it, she gave them more vanilla shakes. When they told her the second round was vanilla as well, she told them to leave. Instead of boycotting this problematic Arby’s, he has boycotted the entire franchise since 1992.
You would think that as he’s aged, he would let it go. Just the opposite has happened. Last year, as he was serving a year in Iraq, Jim found time between dodging bullets to write a letter to the president of Arby’s to let him know about the incident. The president corresponded in a timely manner, apologizing for the incident and he even gave Jim a coupon for a free meal. Jim didn’t want any Arby’s reparations though. Instead he has hung the letter and coupon on a wall in his house like it’s a prized moose that he shot. It’s his version of victory.
Until a couple days ago, I thought that was the whole story. But I hung out with his sister over the weekend and she told me about another interesting Arby’s episode. Four years ago, Jim was visiting his grandmother, who had brain cancer. Brain cancer. She was hungry, and turned to Jim to ask, “Jim, would you mind going to Arby’s to get me a roast beef sandwich?”
Jim looked at his grandmother and said, “I can’t. I can go anywhere else for you though.”
“I just want a roast beef sandwich from Arby’s though.”
“It’s kind of a long story, but I’ve been boycotting Arby’s for 10 years. So, I can’t do it. Do you like Burger King?”
“You can go through the drive-thru. You won’t even have to go inside!”
“I can’t do it. This is an issue that is bigger than the hunger of you or I. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to pick something else.”
“But Jim, I have brain cancer.”
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 3:50 PM
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