Secret Weapons
-I was hanging out with some friends on Saturday and was introduced to a new concept that I love. My friend Hope was telling my friend Adam (who is a Green Beret) and I that her 50 year old boss goes ballroom dancing every night, and that women love that sort of thing. Without hesitation, Adam fired back, “You can’t go ballroom dancing every night. That has to be a secret weapon, like playing piano. You don’t let people know that you can do it, unless you’re in a situation where you can surprise people with it. Like, you’re at a party and someone is messing around on a piano. Someone says, ‘I wish someone who knows what they’re doing was over there.’ That’s when you flex the secret weapon and you walk over to the piano and play your own arrangement of Sheherazade.” I like the idea of secret weapons so much that we spent the rest of the night thinking of them. We also forgot almost all of them. Here are the ones I remember:
Secret weapons for men:
*Piano
*Being able to speak Italian. Other languages don’t count.
*Ballroom dancing
*The ability to do back-flips or multiple back handsprings. Ex. “I don’t know how he did it, but this guy did three back handsprings in a row.” Response: “I don’t know how he did it either… only three. I can never seem to do less than 10.”
*Cooking. But not if you’re too into it. It’s possible to come off as a complete loser with this one. Random girl: “I like guys who can cook.” Guy who cooks: “I love cooking…” So far, he’s fine. “…you would not believe some of the things I can do with basil.” Now he’s a loser.
Things that some guys think are secret weapons, but always backfire and make everyone think they’re a tool:
*juggling
*magic tricks
*announcing the name of your fraternity, then having a cocky look on your face
Secret weapons for women:
*The ability to replace an alternator.
*The ability to not talk for one hour, while awake. It’s considered a super secret power if this can be done in a car.
-I was in a car with one of my little brothers, who is nine-years-old. He had headphones on and was singing an LL Cool J song. Here are the lyrics:
Temptation is a mother
How we lust for one another (Yeah)
We barely know each other
Yet we're waddling like we're lovers
The air is full of passion
The strobe lights are flashin'
The hustlers throw cashin'
The bartender keeps splashin'
Her moves were so erotic
Her gaze was so hypnotic
I bet this girl will stop it
But she continued to pop it
She licked, off, her lip, gloss
Her hips, tossed, back, and forth
Side, to side, and up, and down
She touched, the ground, it turned, me out
I'm battling desire
Lord help me douse this fire
This internal inferno
Hotter than a shot of Cuervo
Her top was short and purple
Belly dancing in a circle
When I feel like this I can't resist
Stop it don't make me hurt you (make me hurt you)
Once again, he is nineyears old. I once saw LL in an interview, bragging about how there’s no profanity in his music and that it’s for all ages. I’m not into blaming music or movies for societal problems, but I think this song is the sort of thing that turns kids into sexual predators. They might want to put a parental advisory on it. My mom was in the front of the car and asked if he knew what erotic meant. He had no idea.
It reminded me of four times that I got in trouble for listening to inappropriate music when I was younger. The best thing about it was that my older brother, Brent, got me into the trouble every time. He’s the same brother that I wrote about a couple months ago who made me think he was Fall Guy for a whole day and that he had been killed or kidnapped. He also made me think there were ethnic gangs on every corner the high school I would be attending (at the time, I was in 7th grade). He would say things like, “It can be tough getting to Chemistry because the Polish gang hangs out right outside the class, and they can be pretty rough. You’re gonna want to watch out for them.”
I also have zero positive memories of ALF because of him. When I was 8, I had an ALF skateboard. He asked me to come outside to show him how high I could olley, which I guess was high for an 8 year old. So, I got on the board, and noticed that Brent was doing something behind his back. As soon as I started to olley, he pulled a lit match from behind his back and threw it on the skateboard, which he had doused with lighter fluid just before he asked me to come outside. The flames went up to my waist and lasted for about one second. It didn’t burn me at all for some reason, but it was one of the scariest moments of my life. Now whenever someone mentions something about an episode of ALF, the only one I can remember is the one where I was almost murdered.
The four times he got me in trouble for music, in chronological order:
-Somehow he got his hands on a 2 Live Crew tape that had “Me So Horny” on it. I was 7 and he was 11. When you’re 7, you think “Me So Horny” is a song about a rhinocerous. But he would play it really loud, then leave the room, so my mom would walk in to find me listening to one of the dirtiest songs ever. My mom confiscated the tape. Whenever she would have friends over, she would say, “You would not believe what I caught the boys with.” Then she would play the tape for them and they would laugh.
-In the pre-parental advisory days, anyone could buy any tape. Around the same time as the 2 Live Crew incident, Brent and I walked to the music store next to our house in the small-town in which we lived. Five minutes later, we were walking out with NWA’s new album, “Niggaz for Life.” As soon as my mom saw it, she made us return it, but not before my brother pleaded his case that the 7-year-old had something to do with the purchase.
-For Christmas in 1991, he and I got a cd player. Our first cds were Naughty By Nature, Eric Clapton and Nirvana. Toto would come shortly thereafter. I don’t know if you are familiar with Naughty By Nature’s first album, but it contained a song called, “1,2,3”. The lyrics are, “1 motherfuckin’, 2 motherfuckin’, 3”. Brent decided it would be good dinner music. When my mom freaked out, Brent said, “Ryan picked this CD out.” And I did.
-The last one was probably the most awkward. I was in 9th grade and he was a senior. I had just borrowed Adam Sandler’s “They’re All Gonna Laugh at You” from a friend. It contains a song called, “At A Medium Pace”, whose lyrics are:
Put your arms around me baby
Can't you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I'm about to begin
Lovin' you
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off
You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
Whoa darlin'
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with
Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off
Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I'm about to blow my load
You tell me it's time to make love
But now I can't
'Cause I spewed all over myself
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin' you
I'm so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Maybe next time I'll be better at lovin' you
Once again, he decided to blast it while the whole family was having dinner. Two parents, and I believe 6 brothers. I tried not to freak out and run to turn it off, because they would know instantly that I was trying to hide something. So, I tried to sit there and eat dinner, hoping that no one would listen to the lyrics. It worked for a minute or so, then Sandler sang, “Talk about your old boyfriend’s dick and how big it was… now shave off my pubes and punch me in the face.” My mom noticed that. And my brother turned to me and said, “I thought you said this was a good cd?”
I can beat him up now.
Secret weapons for men:
*Piano
*Being able to speak Italian. Other languages don’t count.
*Ballroom dancing
*The ability to do back-flips or multiple back handsprings. Ex. “I don’t know how he did it, but this guy did three back handsprings in a row.” Response: “I don’t know how he did it either… only three. I can never seem to do less than 10.”
*Cooking. But not if you’re too into it. It’s possible to come off as a complete loser with this one. Random girl: “I like guys who can cook.” Guy who cooks: “I love cooking…” So far, he’s fine. “…you would not believe some of the things I can do with basil.” Now he’s a loser.
Things that some guys think are secret weapons, but always backfire and make everyone think they’re a tool:
*juggling
*magic tricks
*announcing the name of your fraternity, then having a cocky look on your face
Secret weapons for women:
*The ability to replace an alternator.
*The ability to not talk for one hour, while awake. It’s considered a super secret power if this can be done in a car.
-I was in a car with one of my little brothers, who is nine-years-old. He had headphones on and was singing an LL Cool J song. Here are the lyrics:
Temptation is a mother
How we lust for one another (Yeah)
We barely know each other
Yet we're waddling like we're lovers
The air is full of passion
The strobe lights are flashin'
The hustlers throw cashin'
The bartender keeps splashin'
Her moves were so erotic
Her gaze was so hypnotic
I bet this girl will stop it
But she continued to pop it
She licked, off, her lip, gloss
Her hips, tossed, back, and forth
Side, to side, and up, and down
She touched, the ground, it turned, me out
I'm battling desire
Lord help me douse this fire
This internal inferno
Hotter than a shot of Cuervo
Her top was short and purple
Belly dancing in a circle
When I feel like this I can't resist
Stop it don't make me hurt you (make me hurt you)
Once again, he is nineyears old. I once saw LL in an interview, bragging about how there’s no profanity in his music and that it’s for all ages. I’m not into blaming music or movies for societal problems, but I think this song is the sort of thing that turns kids into sexual predators. They might want to put a parental advisory on it. My mom was in the front of the car and asked if he knew what erotic meant. He had no idea.
It reminded me of four times that I got in trouble for listening to inappropriate music when I was younger. The best thing about it was that my older brother, Brent, got me into the trouble every time. He’s the same brother that I wrote about a couple months ago who made me think he was Fall Guy for a whole day and that he had been killed or kidnapped. He also made me think there were ethnic gangs on every corner the high school I would be attending (at the time, I was in 7th grade). He would say things like, “It can be tough getting to Chemistry because the Polish gang hangs out right outside the class, and they can be pretty rough. You’re gonna want to watch out for them.”
I also have zero positive memories of ALF because of him. When I was 8, I had an ALF skateboard. He asked me to come outside to show him how high I could olley, which I guess was high for an 8 year old. So, I got on the board, and noticed that Brent was doing something behind his back. As soon as I started to olley, he pulled a lit match from behind his back and threw it on the skateboard, which he had doused with lighter fluid just before he asked me to come outside. The flames went up to my waist and lasted for about one second. It didn’t burn me at all for some reason, but it was one of the scariest moments of my life. Now whenever someone mentions something about an episode of ALF, the only one I can remember is the one where I was almost murdered.
The four times he got me in trouble for music, in chronological order:
-Somehow he got his hands on a 2 Live Crew tape that had “Me So Horny” on it. I was 7 and he was 11. When you’re 7, you think “Me So Horny” is a song about a rhinocerous. But he would play it really loud, then leave the room, so my mom would walk in to find me listening to one of the dirtiest songs ever. My mom confiscated the tape. Whenever she would have friends over, she would say, “You would not believe what I caught the boys with.” Then she would play the tape for them and they would laugh.
-In the pre-parental advisory days, anyone could buy any tape. Around the same time as the 2 Live Crew incident, Brent and I walked to the music store next to our house in the small-town in which we lived. Five minutes later, we were walking out with NWA’s new album, “Niggaz for Life.” As soon as my mom saw it, she made us return it, but not before my brother pleaded his case that the 7-year-old had something to do with the purchase.
-For Christmas in 1991, he and I got a cd player. Our first cds were Naughty By Nature, Eric Clapton and Nirvana. Toto would come shortly thereafter. I don’t know if you are familiar with Naughty By Nature’s first album, but it contained a song called, “1,2,3”. The lyrics are, “1 motherfuckin’, 2 motherfuckin’, 3”. Brent decided it would be good dinner music. When my mom freaked out, Brent said, “Ryan picked this CD out.” And I did.
-The last one was probably the most awkward. I was in 9th grade and he was a senior. I had just borrowed Adam Sandler’s “They’re All Gonna Laugh at You” from a friend. It contains a song called, “At A Medium Pace”, whose lyrics are:
Put your arms around me baby
Can't you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I'm about to begin
Lovin' you
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off
You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
Whoa darlin'
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with
Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off
Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I'm about to blow my load
You tell me it's time to make love
But now I can't
'Cause I spewed all over myself
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin' you
I'm so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Maybe next time I'll be better at lovin' you
Once again, he decided to blast it while the whole family was having dinner. Two parents, and I believe 6 brothers. I tried not to freak out and run to turn it off, because they would know instantly that I was trying to hide something. So, I tried to sit there and eat dinner, hoping that no one would listen to the lyrics. It worked for a minute or so, then Sandler sang, “Talk about your old boyfriend’s dick and how big it was… now shave off my pubes and punch me in the face.” My mom noticed that. And my brother turned to me and said, “I thought you said this was a good cd?”
I can beat him up now.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 12:40 PM
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