Milky?
-While riding with Larry Poon (www.larrypoon.com) to Tom Myers’ DVD taping, which we’ll get to later, I was flipping around on his Sirius radio. In the middle of 150 or so stations, I stumbled upon a song called, “In Christ Alone.” It was by someone named Brian Littrell. As soon as Larry Poon saw it, he enthusiastically remarked, “Hey, that’s the guy from Backstreet Boys.” Come on Poon. Is there something you need to tell us? I think so.
In all fairness, Larry Poon got total redemption when he sent me this link http://www.myspace.com/makemeasandwichbitch
-Last Friday and Saturday, Larry Poon and I attended the Tom Myers DVD tapings in Baltimore. Halfway through the first show, Tom approached me and said, “I wanted to create something no other comic had done before. Do you think I succeeded?” My answer was a strong, “Definitely.”
These shows were amazing. Jimmy Merritt did very well. Tom delivered, as usual, receiving no less than ten standing ovations on Friday. Check him out on myspace.
The musical guests were great too. And by ‘great’, I mean some of the most awkward things I’ve ever witnessed.
The first night featured New Age Hillbilly. He was groundbreaking, which it turns out isn’t always a good thing. Before he touched any instruments, he stripped down to his boxers. If you had a body like Tom Arnold, you’d flaunt it too. Then he picked up his Squire and started playing Nirvana’s Lithium. I thought, “Okay, he’s opening on a cover. That’s safe.” Then he started screaming, “YOU GOT SHIT ON YOUR FACE. YOU BETTER GET IT OFF!” for around 3 minutes. It was hilarious. The problem is it wasn’t supposed to be.
In the next song, there was a push-up solo. What’s a push-up solo? That’s when the singer starts doing push-ups for no apparent reason.
Later in his set, a song featured a 15 second machine gun solo, in which he pretended to shoot the crowd for 15 seconds. To give you an idea of how awkward this was, imagine being forced to watch two guys rub their bare asses together.
The next song had a ten second train solo.
He closed on a guitar solo in which he played 5 power chords while shaking the guitar to give the effect that he was playing something difficult.
Once he finished, he had an awkward conversation with the emcee for about 20 seconds before the show commenced. The crowd had no idea what was going on.
The musical guest on the second night was Shelly Blake, who apparently writes protest music. The first song was called “Al Qaeda Wants Our Women.” I’m not sure what it was about. He did another song about the elusiveness of Osama Bin Laden. I recommend checking out his myspace page as well if you like awful things.
-If you want to take a Chinatown bus from NYC to DC or vice versa, don’t take Eastern Buses, unless you’re a fan of the smell of piss. I took this bus on Monday, and it didn’t just smell like there was piss on the bus. It smelled like the bus was somehow made out of piss, like there’s a new polymer that comes from piss extract. Disgusting.
The guy behind me tried to get on the bus with a ticket from a different bus line. He thought they were all affiliated because they’re all Chinese. Nothing like startingyou’re your trip with a hint of racism. When he was told that he couldn’t get on with the other ticket, he responded, “You gonna let me on that bus… I’m not trying to hit somebody. I don’t need to go to jail.”
The girl in front of me leaned forward at one point and I could see that her underwear said, “I Heart Bling.”
Time to switch buses.
-I’ve been receiving some odd comments on my blog over the past couple weeks. I have no idea what they mean. I’m terrible with word jumbles. I have a feeling the author took a lot of drama in high school or a lot of drugs. Either one. Here they are in chronological order:
You are blogolishious. Me reads your bloggy bloggy. Milk.
Hi Milky. O'Bloggo my Bloggo. You hairy hairy Milky Milky.
Hello Bloggy Bloggy. Why so Milky Milky Mr. Bloggo?
Dear Bloggo. Me have bloggy fun. You're so bloggy bloggy. Milk.
Mr. Milk, don't you bloggy bloggy today? Me no likey likey when you no bloggy bloggy.
Milk.
Who are you and what do they mean?
-If you meet a comic at a party, try not to be like a guy I met a few weeks ago.
I was introduced to him and he said, “Oh you’re a comedian? Are you a hack or something?” I said, “Yes and no.” Then he said, “I’m a musician first and a comic second.”
First, it’s probably not good to insult someone when you first meet them, especially if you know nothing about the person. Also, if you’re not a comic, you don’t need to be throwing hack around like that, because you don’t know what it means. And if you’ve never performed comedy, you probably shouldn’t call yourself a comic. Lastly, if you can play a few Metallica or Nirvana covers on guitar, that doesn’t make you a musician, it makes you a guitar hack.
Then he started asking me what kind of crowd work I do, because “good comics do a lot of crowd work.” I should have punched him in the face and walked away then. Instead I asked him what comics he likes. He named around 10 comics, none of whom do crowd work, including Brian Regan. When I told him that none of the guys he mentioned do any crowd work he denied it. He kept pressing on crowd work.
For the record, there are only three reasons anyone ever does crowd work:
1.The crowd is loud and you’re trying to get them under control.
2.You’re bored with your jokes and want to inject some spontaneity in the show.
3.You have nothing interesting to say about yourself, so you let the crowd be the show.
I hate crowd work. It bores me to death to watch or do. Who cares what Bobby in the front row does for a living, and if he’s with his wife or girlfriend? Or is he gay? Yeah, that’s it! He’s gay. They’ll laugh at that every time. Maybe you could even point to the guy with long hair and insinuate that he smokes pot. That’s always funny. Or maybe you could tell the Mexican guy, “Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen?” That’s really original.
I really hate crowd work.
-HACKS
I was just told a story about a famous comic recently calling a semi-well-known comic a hack and telling them they should stop doing comedy. I loved hearing the story. Some people just need to be told, “You’re a hack. We all know it. The laughs you get are bullshit.”
If someone just isn’t funny, no one has any right to tell them not to do open-mics. That’s like telling a guy who sucks at basketball that he can no longer play pick-up games (Frank Hong’s analogy). If they have fun doing comedy, then they should be able to do it whenever they want. But I’m sick of seeing so many hacks recently. They’re all over New York. DC didn’t used to have very many, but now it seems they’re springing up all over the place.
Last night at the DC Improv, a guy in the show did 8 straight minutes of hack jokes, including a Crocodile Hunter impression, and carried himself as if he was a legit comic. The one joke he did that wasn’t a hack premise was a joke that he stole from Jerry Thomas, another comic from DC.
This would never bother me if hacks didn’t dumb crowds down. They lower the bar. If someone does bullshit dirty stuff in front of a good, smart comic, the good comic is going to suffer, because the crowd is still going to be in the mood to hear someone talk about “What if your balls could talk… I think it’d go a little something like this…”
So far, two of the weekly winners in the Baltimore’s Funniest Person contest, have done 100% stolen jokes. They aren’t just hack premises. One guy steals from Chappelle, Mooney, Todd Rexx and lots more. The other, [insert name], steals from Dane Cook and Brian Regan usually. I also saw him do a Rob Cantrell joke in front of Rob. And the best was when I used to book the showcase at the DC Improv and he sent me a tape of him doing one of my jokes. That was priceless.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just wanted to put it out there to all the hacks that we know you’re hacks and that you need to stop it.
-I go back and forth on whether or not I like Bill Walton. One day I think he’s funny, in a sort of Samuel Beckett way. The next day, I think he’s a complete idiot. Here are a couple examples of Bill Walton quotes that have confused me.
“Robert Horry is not only a genius of the game of basketball. But he’s also a genius of the human spirit.”
I don’t know what to think when I hear that. If he’s serious, I think he may need to be fired. But if he’s joking, it could be one of the funniest things ever said.
“We live in an egalitarian meritocracy.”
Why would anyone say this during any sports broadcast? Do I find him annoying for saying it, or do I respect him for throwing around big words? I don’t know.
Walt Frazier is pretty bad too. He once said, “Eddy Curry, much to his dismay, exposes his folly.” That should never be said by anyone.
I like soccer announcers though. Because, although they say some ridiculous things, they’re always kind of fun, such as:
“Kevin Davies rises like a salmon for the opener.”
I didn’t know that salmon rise. I learned something with that statement.
“Ahh… Ronaldo… A box of toys on the run… Refreshing.”
"Tidy Goalkeeping there...”
"Now, one for Marquez, speculatively."
“A spot of dishonesty to draw the penalty.”
"Henry...a generous touch for the Barcelona faithful..."
And my all-time favorite…
"Ahh Tevez... Wondeful gale and great silkiness to his game... Marvelous to watch. "
Tell me that doesn’t make you smile.
In all fairness, Larry Poon got total redemption when he sent me this link http://www.myspace.com/makemeasandwichbitch
-Last Friday and Saturday, Larry Poon and I attended the Tom Myers DVD tapings in Baltimore. Halfway through the first show, Tom approached me and said, “I wanted to create something no other comic had done before. Do you think I succeeded?” My answer was a strong, “Definitely.”
These shows were amazing. Jimmy Merritt did very well. Tom delivered, as usual, receiving no less than ten standing ovations on Friday. Check him out on myspace.
The musical guests were great too. And by ‘great’, I mean some of the most awkward things I’ve ever witnessed.
The first night featured New Age Hillbilly. He was groundbreaking, which it turns out isn’t always a good thing. Before he touched any instruments, he stripped down to his boxers. If you had a body like Tom Arnold, you’d flaunt it too. Then he picked up his Squire and started playing Nirvana’s Lithium. I thought, “Okay, he’s opening on a cover. That’s safe.” Then he started screaming, “YOU GOT SHIT ON YOUR FACE. YOU BETTER GET IT OFF!” for around 3 minutes. It was hilarious. The problem is it wasn’t supposed to be.
In the next song, there was a push-up solo. What’s a push-up solo? That’s when the singer starts doing push-ups for no apparent reason.
Later in his set, a song featured a 15 second machine gun solo, in which he pretended to shoot the crowd for 15 seconds. To give you an idea of how awkward this was, imagine being forced to watch two guys rub their bare asses together.
The next song had a ten second train solo.
He closed on a guitar solo in which he played 5 power chords while shaking the guitar to give the effect that he was playing something difficult.
Once he finished, he had an awkward conversation with the emcee for about 20 seconds before the show commenced. The crowd had no idea what was going on.
The musical guest on the second night was Shelly Blake, who apparently writes protest music. The first song was called “Al Qaeda Wants Our Women.” I’m not sure what it was about. He did another song about the elusiveness of Osama Bin Laden. I recommend checking out his myspace page as well if you like awful things.
-If you want to take a Chinatown bus from NYC to DC or vice versa, don’t take Eastern Buses, unless you’re a fan of the smell of piss. I took this bus on Monday, and it didn’t just smell like there was piss on the bus. It smelled like the bus was somehow made out of piss, like there’s a new polymer that comes from piss extract. Disgusting.
The guy behind me tried to get on the bus with a ticket from a different bus line. He thought they were all affiliated because they’re all Chinese. Nothing like startingyou’re your trip with a hint of racism. When he was told that he couldn’t get on with the other ticket, he responded, “You gonna let me on that bus… I’m not trying to hit somebody. I don’t need to go to jail.”
The girl in front of me leaned forward at one point and I could see that her underwear said, “I Heart Bling.”
Time to switch buses.
-I’ve been receiving some odd comments on my blog over the past couple weeks. I have no idea what they mean. I’m terrible with word jumbles. I have a feeling the author took a lot of drama in high school or a lot of drugs. Either one. Here they are in chronological order:
You are blogolishious. Me reads your bloggy bloggy. Milk.
Hi Milky. O'Bloggo my Bloggo. You hairy hairy Milky Milky.
Hello Bloggy Bloggy. Why so Milky Milky Mr. Bloggo?
Dear Bloggo. Me have bloggy fun. You're so bloggy bloggy. Milk.
Mr. Milk, don't you bloggy bloggy today? Me no likey likey when you no bloggy bloggy.
Milk.
Who are you and what do they mean?
-If you meet a comic at a party, try not to be like a guy I met a few weeks ago.
I was introduced to him and he said, “Oh you’re a comedian? Are you a hack or something?” I said, “Yes and no.” Then he said, “I’m a musician first and a comic second.”
First, it’s probably not good to insult someone when you first meet them, especially if you know nothing about the person. Also, if you’re not a comic, you don’t need to be throwing hack around like that, because you don’t know what it means. And if you’ve never performed comedy, you probably shouldn’t call yourself a comic. Lastly, if you can play a few Metallica or Nirvana covers on guitar, that doesn’t make you a musician, it makes you a guitar hack.
Then he started asking me what kind of crowd work I do, because “good comics do a lot of crowd work.” I should have punched him in the face and walked away then. Instead I asked him what comics he likes. He named around 10 comics, none of whom do crowd work, including Brian Regan. When I told him that none of the guys he mentioned do any crowd work he denied it. He kept pressing on crowd work.
For the record, there are only three reasons anyone ever does crowd work:
1.The crowd is loud and you’re trying to get them under control.
2.You’re bored with your jokes and want to inject some spontaneity in the show.
3.You have nothing interesting to say about yourself, so you let the crowd be the show.
I hate crowd work. It bores me to death to watch or do. Who cares what Bobby in the front row does for a living, and if he’s with his wife or girlfriend? Or is he gay? Yeah, that’s it! He’s gay. They’ll laugh at that every time. Maybe you could even point to the guy with long hair and insinuate that he smokes pot. That’s always funny. Or maybe you could tell the Mexican guy, “Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen?” That’s really original.
I really hate crowd work.
-HACKS
I was just told a story about a famous comic recently calling a semi-well-known comic a hack and telling them they should stop doing comedy. I loved hearing the story. Some people just need to be told, “You’re a hack. We all know it. The laughs you get are bullshit.”
If someone just isn’t funny, no one has any right to tell them not to do open-mics. That’s like telling a guy who sucks at basketball that he can no longer play pick-up games (Frank Hong’s analogy). If they have fun doing comedy, then they should be able to do it whenever they want. But I’m sick of seeing so many hacks recently. They’re all over New York. DC didn’t used to have very many, but now it seems they’re springing up all over the place.
Last night at the DC Improv, a guy in the show did 8 straight minutes of hack jokes, including a Crocodile Hunter impression, and carried himself as if he was a legit comic. The one joke he did that wasn’t a hack premise was a joke that he stole from Jerry Thomas, another comic from DC.
This would never bother me if hacks didn’t dumb crowds down. They lower the bar. If someone does bullshit dirty stuff in front of a good, smart comic, the good comic is going to suffer, because the crowd is still going to be in the mood to hear someone talk about “What if your balls could talk… I think it’d go a little something like this…”
So far, two of the weekly winners in the Baltimore’s Funniest Person contest, have done 100% stolen jokes. They aren’t just hack premises. One guy steals from Chappelle, Mooney, Todd Rexx and lots more. The other, [insert name], steals from Dane Cook and Brian Regan usually. I also saw him do a Rob Cantrell joke in front of Rob. And the best was when I used to book the showcase at the DC Improv and he sent me a tape of him doing one of my jokes. That was priceless.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just wanted to put it out there to all the hacks that we know you’re hacks and that you need to stop it.
-I go back and forth on whether or not I like Bill Walton. One day I think he’s funny, in a sort of Samuel Beckett way. The next day, I think he’s a complete idiot. Here are a couple examples of Bill Walton quotes that have confused me.
“Robert Horry is not only a genius of the game of basketball. But he’s also a genius of the human spirit.”
I don’t know what to think when I hear that. If he’s serious, I think he may need to be fired. But if he’s joking, it could be one of the funniest things ever said.
“We live in an egalitarian meritocracy.”
Why would anyone say this during any sports broadcast? Do I find him annoying for saying it, or do I respect him for throwing around big words? I don’t know.
Walt Frazier is pretty bad too. He once said, “Eddy Curry, much to his dismay, exposes his folly.” That should never be said by anyone.
I like soccer announcers though. Because, although they say some ridiculous things, they’re always kind of fun, such as:
“Kevin Davies rises like a salmon for the opener.”
I didn’t know that salmon rise. I learned something with that statement.
“Ahh… Ronaldo… A box of toys on the run… Refreshing.”
"Tidy Goalkeeping there...”
"Now, one for Marquez, speculatively."
“A spot of dishonesty to draw the penalty.”
"Henry...a generous touch for the Barcelona faithful..."
And my all-time favorite…
"Ahh Tevez... Wondeful gale and great silkiness to his game... Marvelous to watch. "
Tell me that doesn’t make you smile.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 3:36 PM
3 Comments:
Oh no Bloggy Bloggy, now you make Mr. Milky Milky mad.
"Michael Owen lets his boots do the talking..."
"A bit...ambitious from there from Maniche..."
"We are certainly watching a club with aspirations that do not match their spotty play..."
"Robhino...truly punctial with his run"
"Perhaps the referee was not in true vantage to see the entrapment..."
...and, as our host points out, if you are going to lift someone's jokes, aim a little higher than Dane what's-his-face....
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