No, What's Your Real Name?

-Yesterday afternoon, as I was walking to my car, I passed a neighbor. We made eye contact. So, I said, “Hey. How’s it going?” She replied, “Fine. At least I don’t have to poop.”
I should have asked her what she meant by that, but I didn’t want to have a conversation with someone who would say that to a stranger. Why would anyone want strangers to know their poop schedule? More importantly, why would she say that to me? Does she have IBS and thinks that everyone knows about it? Is she out of toilet paper and assumes that I’m aware of it? Is she miles from her home, car broken down and afraid of using public restrooms? I will never understand why this woman told me that.
-When talking to a couple of my brothers who are in elementary school, they mentioned weird names of some of their classmates, including: Mister Mister (yes, like the band), Remy Martin, Moet and Mobean.
This reminded me of when I was a substitute teacher. I did it for about 3 or 4 years before I started comedy. Every single day, I would mess up the pronunciation of some kid’s name and he or she would get mad at me. But the names were always ridiculous. You can’t blame me for pronouncing the silent P, if your name is Stevep. That’s not my fault. That’s your mother’s fault.
Because of substitute teaching, I now think that communities should be able to veto the names of its newborns. You want to name your kid Rusty Kuntz (actual baseball player)? Nope. Not while I’m in the Homeowners Association.

One day in particular stood out when subbing. I had a total of 60 students on this day and 17 of them had ridiculous names. Of course I wrote them down. This day has since been referred to as simply: All-Star Day.
All of the kids were American. Here are the names (I’m not making any of these up):
Antonnettta – You read it correctly… three Ts in a row.
Benicia
MeLaura – What’s your name? Me Laura. What you name? Me Ryan
Otto – Who names their kid Otto? His parents must have used a name book from the twenties.
Shawntaya – An overall shitty name.
Sierra – Don’t name your kid after mountains or an African country, or any country.
Clayton – Otto’s brother
Bounder – As in “one who bounds things.” My favorite. Synonyms: Jumper, Leaper
Kavoisiee – I messed this one up really badly. It’s actually pronounced “Courvosier.”
Capricia – The feminine version of everyone’s favorite family sedan/cop car, The Caprice Classic
Shiresee – No comment
Raina – I don’t know what her parents were going for with this one.
Lottie – A close second to Bounder.
Taija Diggs – The feminine version of Taye Diggs.
Darjene
Zully – Third Place. He probably rules an underworld of some kind.
Kingsley – Would be acceptable if he was Jamaican. He was a white guy.
Zenaida

My two all-time favorite bad names were in my friend Quincy’s class. We subbed at the same time. These were at a middle school in 2003, so the kids were born in 1990.
Second Place: Zebulon Jones. It sounds like the name of Superman’s nemesis. But I assume he was named after DeForest Covan’s character in “Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens”.
The Grand Prize goes to Arsenio Hall. There is a 16-year-old kid in Woodbridge, VA who is named Arsenio Hall. The best part is that he has no idea how funny it is because he’s too young. Quincy said that every teacher would laugh when they said his name, but none of the students were old enough to understand how funny it is. Only time will tell how many parents have named their child Fiddy in the last 3 years. Let’s hope millions.