You have 6? You're gonna want to stay.
I had planned on writing about my trip to Atlantic City with Jon Mumma and Larry Poon a couple weeks ago, but Jon has already done so, quite thouroughly. Here is his account from www.jonmumma.com (Larry Poon=Tony Graczyk)
“I celebrated the week by taking a roadtrip to Atlantic City on Monday. Accompanying me were friends Tony "hit me" Gracyk and Ryan "blackjack" Conner. Upon arrival, we decided to hit the boardwalk for lunch. I quickly spotted a Johnny Rockets and suggested we eat there. Unfortunately, Ryan and Tony spotted a $6.95 buffet and my suggestion was ousted. you may be wondering what a $6.95 buffet looks like; the answer is, a retirement community. There was no air conditioning and the food was probably the worst I've ever eaten, it was disgusting. We took turns sampling the variety of foods, which included: meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, salmon cakes, sausage, barbecue ribs, barbecue chicken, carrots, potatoes, corn, and potato salad. You may be thinking, "Come on, Jon, that sounds pretty good." If you were thinking that, you are wrong. We kept competing to see who could eat the grossest food; Tony was well in the lead with a salmon cake and sausage dish which nearly made him vomit. But, right at the end of the meal, Ryan took the blue ribbon with some steamed carrots. We all tried them and all agreed that they were the worst thing any of us had ever eaten. To make matters worse, the lack of AC was making us all sick. I looked over at Tony and his shirt was drenched with sweat. I looked at Ryan and his face was beat red and sweat was dripping onto his plate of mush. The craziest thing was the fact that all these old people were oblivious to the taste. I looked around and saw tables of old folks gobbling down these salmon cakes which clearly were not made with salmon. Amazing. I've never walked into a buffet and then walked out 30 minutes later, 5 pounds lighter. Seriously, we were so dehydrated that we should probably have had IVs administered.
We made our way to the casino where we were surrounded by more old people. We spent the next 4 hours playing blackjack. Nothing much to tell here...we all had our moments where we felt like Sammy Farha but in the end, we all lost money. Fortunatey, we didn't take much money into the casino so we chalked it up as a win. Ryan taught me his blackjack strategy on the way to the casino but once there, I still asked him what I should do on just about every hand. At one point, I leaned over and showed him my hand. He took a look at the cards and then said, "I'd stay." So I stayed...on a 2 and a 4. The dealer flipped over the cards, exposing my six. He exclaimed, "what! you can't win with a six!" The guy next to me called me a douchbag and the lady next to him called me a douchebag in spanish. Thanks Ryan. I asked him why he told me to stay and he told me that he was thinking "hit," but "stay" is what came out of his mouth. I believed him.”
The only thing that I would like to add is that I found something even nastier than the carrots. It was a fried disc. When I picked it up, I honestly had no idea what it was. I only knew that it was breaded. So, I cut it open. By appearance and smell alone, I couldn’t tell if it was fish or a cousin of the hush puppy. So, I took a bite… still couldn’t tell if it was bread or fish. That’s not good. Also, the meatloaf looked like fruitcake.
And a couple things from the casino that I would like to add: We were playing single deck blackjack, which is why no one else saw Jon’s cards when he had the 4 and 2. The dealer was showing a 4. He turned to me and said, “Hit or double down.” I swear I wasn’t trying to make him look stupid, but without hesitation I said, “Stay.” Then I nodded at him as if I was saying, “We got ‘em.” I think the guy next to him really did call him a douche. Jon’s response to that: high-five him ten times in the next five minutes.
-I think New York City is a fun place. It has more opportunities than any place in the world. But just like any other place or situation, it has upsides and downsides. It would be easy to acknowledge its shortcomings, which would make them acceptable. But New Yorkers refuse to admit they exist. I think every person who lives in New York, thinks it’s the best city in the world for everything. They honestly think that the rest of the world relies on New York for everything.
For example, here’s a real conversation with a guy from The Bronx that I made up.
Me: I just got a new suitcase.
Him: Hmmm… You should’ve asked me about it first. The zipper reinforcements are too weak.
Me: How do you know so much about suitcases?
Him: I’m from New York. It’s the suitcase capital of the world.
Note: Any noun can be substituted for suitcase.
A couple weeks ago, I took a boat tour around Manhattan, which was a prime example of this New York-centric attitude that I hate. The tour guide pointed out everything we passed on the three-hour tour and either made up facts about them or slanted the truth tremendously.
Examples:
-“The Brooklyn Bridge is supported by thousands of cables, much like the cables used in elevators. If it wasn’t for the Brooklyn Bridge, we wouldn’t have any buildings in the world over six stories tall.”
Really??? We wouldn’t have figured it out by now??? The technology was already there. The Brooklyn Bridge just happened to premier the technology.
-I don’t remember what hospital we passed, but he called it, “The best heart hospital in the world.”
How about, “One of the leading hospitals…”?
-“Harlem is the center of African American culture, not only in New York, but for the entire world. It is also the home of Jazz greats, such as Duke Ellington.”
The entire world? That implies that there are African Americans all over the world. They are only in America, hence “American”, you jackass. I wouldn’t say it’s the culture center for the United States now either. Also, Duke Ellington is from DC. He lived in Harlem for a while. That’s it.
-“This is High Bridge. Edgar Allan Poe lived nearby and used to spend a lot of time on this bridge. Some people say that his ghost still haunts the bridge.”
Poe was born in Boston, was raised in Richmond, lived his adult life and died in Baltimore. If you google, “Edgar Allan Poe High Bridge Manhattan”, no results suggest that his ghost haunts it. The only reference is that he mentioned taking midnight walks across it while in NY.
-“DNA coding was cracked at Rockefeller University.”
Not true at all. They were leaders in DNA research in the 1920s. That’s it.
-“If it wasn’t for this hill, we would have lost the revolutionary war.”
You can’t be serious.
-“Because of New York’s water treatment facilities, The Hudson River is cleaner now than when Hudson arrived in 1599, because of the Iroquois naturally polluting the river.”
He’s insinuating that Iroquois shit (a few thousand people) is dirtier that industrial waste(millions of people). Wow. That must be why you can’t get in the water now. It’s the lingering Iroquois shit. It’s so dirty.
-“Soccer was first played in North America in New York City in 1933.”
That is completely made up as well. It was the first professional game in the United States.
-“Alexander Hamilton founded the New York Times.”
That’s amazing, because he died 47 years before the newspaper was founded. Not even Tupac is that productive in the afterlife. According to this guy, Hamilton’s only rival in post-mortem accomplishments is Jesus.
“I celebrated the week by taking a roadtrip to Atlantic City on Monday. Accompanying me were friends Tony "hit me" Gracyk and Ryan "blackjack" Conner. Upon arrival, we decided to hit the boardwalk for lunch. I quickly spotted a Johnny Rockets and suggested we eat there. Unfortunately, Ryan and Tony spotted a $6.95 buffet and my suggestion was ousted. you may be wondering what a $6.95 buffet looks like; the answer is, a retirement community. There was no air conditioning and the food was probably the worst I've ever eaten, it was disgusting. We took turns sampling the variety of foods, which included: meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, salmon cakes, sausage, barbecue ribs, barbecue chicken, carrots, potatoes, corn, and potato salad. You may be thinking, "Come on, Jon, that sounds pretty good." If you were thinking that, you are wrong. We kept competing to see who could eat the grossest food; Tony was well in the lead with a salmon cake and sausage dish which nearly made him vomit. But, right at the end of the meal, Ryan took the blue ribbon with some steamed carrots. We all tried them and all agreed that they were the worst thing any of us had ever eaten. To make matters worse, the lack of AC was making us all sick. I looked over at Tony and his shirt was drenched with sweat. I looked at Ryan and his face was beat red and sweat was dripping onto his plate of mush. The craziest thing was the fact that all these old people were oblivious to the taste. I looked around and saw tables of old folks gobbling down these salmon cakes which clearly were not made with salmon. Amazing. I've never walked into a buffet and then walked out 30 minutes later, 5 pounds lighter. Seriously, we were so dehydrated that we should probably have had IVs administered.
We made our way to the casino where we were surrounded by more old people. We spent the next 4 hours playing blackjack. Nothing much to tell here...we all had our moments where we felt like Sammy Farha but in the end, we all lost money. Fortunatey, we didn't take much money into the casino so we chalked it up as a win. Ryan taught me his blackjack strategy on the way to the casino but once there, I still asked him what I should do on just about every hand. At one point, I leaned over and showed him my hand. He took a look at the cards and then said, "I'd stay." So I stayed...on a 2 and a 4. The dealer flipped over the cards, exposing my six. He exclaimed, "what! you can't win with a six!" The guy next to me called me a douchbag and the lady next to him called me a douchebag in spanish. Thanks Ryan. I asked him why he told me to stay and he told me that he was thinking "hit," but "stay" is what came out of his mouth. I believed him.”
The only thing that I would like to add is that I found something even nastier than the carrots. It was a fried disc. When I picked it up, I honestly had no idea what it was. I only knew that it was breaded. So, I cut it open. By appearance and smell alone, I couldn’t tell if it was fish or a cousin of the hush puppy. So, I took a bite… still couldn’t tell if it was bread or fish. That’s not good. Also, the meatloaf looked like fruitcake.
And a couple things from the casino that I would like to add: We were playing single deck blackjack, which is why no one else saw Jon’s cards when he had the 4 and 2. The dealer was showing a 4. He turned to me and said, “Hit or double down.” I swear I wasn’t trying to make him look stupid, but without hesitation I said, “Stay.” Then I nodded at him as if I was saying, “We got ‘em.” I think the guy next to him really did call him a douche. Jon’s response to that: high-five him ten times in the next five minutes.
-I think New York City is a fun place. It has more opportunities than any place in the world. But just like any other place or situation, it has upsides and downsides. It would be easy to acknowledge its shortcomings, which would make them acceptable. But New Yorkers refuse to admit they exist. I think every person who lives in New York, thinks it’s the best city in the world for everything. They honestly think that the rest of the world relies on New York for everything.
For example, here’s a real conversation with a guy from The Bronx that I made up.
Me: I just got a new suitcase.
Him: Hmmm… You should’ve asked me about it first. The zipper reinforcements are too weak.
Me: How do you know so much about suitcases?
Him: I’m from New York. It’s the suitcase capital of the world.
Note: Any noun can be substituted for suitcase.
A couple weeks ago, I took a boat tour around Manhattan, which was a prime example of this New York-centric attitude that I hate. The tour guide pointed out everything we passed on the three-hour tour and either made up facts about them or slanted the truth tremendously.
Examples:
-“The Brooklyn Bridge is supported by thousands of cables, much like the cables used in elevators. If it wasn’t for the Brooklyn Bridge, we wouldn’t have any buildings in the world over six stories tall.”
Really??? We wouldn’t have figured it out by now??? The technology was already there. The Brooklyn Bridge just happened to premier the technology.
-I don’t remember what hospital we passed, but he called it, “The best heart hospital in the world.”
How about, “One of the leading hospitals…”?
-“Harlem is the center of African American culture, not only in New York, but for the entire world. It is also the home of Jazz greats, such as Duke Ellington.”
The entire world? That implies that there are African Americans all over the world. They are only in America, hence “American”, you jackass. I wouldn’t say it’s the culture center for the United States now either. Also, Duke Ellington is from DC. He lived in Harlem for a while. That’s it.
-“This is High Bridge. Edgar Allan Poe lived nearby and used to spend a lot of time on this bridge. Some people say that his ghost still haunts the bridge.”
Poe was born in Boston, was raised in Richmond, lived his adult life and died in Baltimore. If you google, “Edgar Allan Poe High Bridge Manhattan”, no results suggest that his ghost haunts it. The only reference is that he mentioned taking midnight walks across it while in NY.
-“DNA coding was cracked at Rockefeller University.”
Not true at all. They were leaders in DNA research in the 1920s. That’s it.
-“If it wasn’t for this hill, we would have lost the revolutionary war.”
You can’t be serious.
-“Because of New York’s water treatment facilities, The Hudson River is cleaner now than when Hudson arrived in 1599, because of the Iroquois naturally polluting the river.”
He’s insinuating that Iroquois shit (a few thousand people) is dirtier that industrial waste(millions of people). Wow. That must be why you can’t get in the water now. It’s the lingering Iroquois shit. It’s so dirty.
-“Soccer was first played in North America in New York City in 1933.”
That is completely made up as well. It was the first professional game in the United States.
-“Alexander Hamilton founded the New York Times.”
That’s amazing, because he died 47 years before the newspaper was founded. Not even Tupac is that productive in the afterlife. According to this guy, Hamilton’s only rival in post-mortem accomplishments is Jesus.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 4:47 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home