Hey Natrone, do you have a twin?

-A guy has been walking through my neighborhood late at night trying to get in people’s cars to rob them. He’s tried to get me three times, with the most recent episode being last night. He looks extremely shady… dirty, baggy sweatpants, t-shirt riddled with holes, smells like liquor, and looks a lot like Natrone Means, the former San Diego Chargers star. He always has the worst stories to get me to allow him in my car, and his eyes always scan the inside of the car during the conversation. My favorite was when I was leaving the grocery store next to my apartment, and the blocked my car. I rolled down my window partially and the following exchange occurred:
“Hey man. I locked my keys in my car, and I need a ride somewhere. I tried to ask other people, but white people won’t listen to me…”
“I doubt it’s a race thing, but what’s going on?”
“I got groceries and when I came out, I had locked my keys in the car. [points to woman] That’s my wife over there. I just need a ride to my sister’s house. She has a key.”
The woman he pointed to got into someone else’s car, presumably her real husband.
“Why doesn't your sister come here?"
"She isn't home."
"How are you going to get in her house? Never mind. So, you got your groceries, and came out and your keys were in your car?”
“Yeah. I just need some help.”
“Why don’t you take a cab, or the bus?”
“I don’t have any money.”
“How did you buy groceries and where are they? Didn’t you need money for that?”
“Come on man, just give me a ride.”
“Take the bus. It’s $1.50”
There are multiple buses that stop about 50 feet from where we were.
“So, you’re not going to let me into your car.”
“No, but good luck.”
I started driving away and he yelled, “Ain’t you gonna give me some money for the bus?”
I stopped and gave him $2, then drove off.
This happened three months ago, and he still hasn’t changed his story. He told me the almost exact same story last night. The only difference was that it was right in front of my building. I asked a neighbor if she’d seen this guy before, and she said that he always tells her that his car got towed and he needs a ride to get his car.
Come on Natrone, get a better story, then maybe people will allow you to rob them.
-If you own a restaurant that serves Buffalo Wings and chicken strips, but does not serve Buffalo Strips, I hope your restaurant closes down tomorrow. Numerous studies have concluded that Buffalo Strips are the tastiest thing on the planet. Numerous other studies have also concluded that all you have to do to make them is put Buffalo sauce on the strips. That’s it. Very little science is involved. It's only a matter of pouring the sauce on different pieces of chicken.
Also, if you own a restaurant who serves Buffalo Wings and chicken strips, and does not serve Buffalo Strips, AND you refuse to give me a side of Buffalo Sauce with my chicken strips, then I will not revisit your establishment, Giorgio’s [something] Diner in Hell’s Kitchen.
-I saw a wannabe thug on the NYC Subway, a “studio gangsta” as Easy-E would say, wearing a shirt that said “Double Trouble” and it had a picture of Chucky and Bride of Chucky, both covered in diamonds. Needless to say, I was frightened. I don't like trouble, much less double trouble.
-Erik Estrada is on a commercial for a cheap land in northwest Arkansas. While he’s on screen, text appears that says, “Star of television’s Chips,” as if it’s a current show. Look for it.
-The best kept secret in North America: You can substitute pancakes for toast at IHOP. Yes, you can trade two pieces of bread for an additional meal. You’re welcome America.
-Coming tomorrow… Eastern Buses: Heroes or Villains? You Decide!