Parallel Jim
-Good luck to Rory Scovel during his two-month Canadian tour.
-While hanging out at the Comedy Cellar after the show on Monday with comics who definitely didn’t read my last blog entry, someone said that I look like River Phoenix if he didn’t die. Then someone said they could definitely picture me on the cover of Tiger Beat. What the hell is that? I just wrote last week about my friends telling me that several years ago. I think that of all the magazines in the world (and newsletters), Tiger Beat is probably the last cover I would want to grace. Here are the Top 5 and Bottom 5 on my list:
Top 5:
1. O
2. Black Entrepreneur
3. Stand-Up Comedy Biennial Super Magazine
4. Space Travel Weekly
5. Pro Wrestling Monthly
Bonus # 6. Highlights
Bottom 5:
5. Shotgun News
4. NRA Monthly Newsletter
3. Teen Beat
2. Any magazine having to do with man on man porn.
1. Tiger Beat
-Season 3 of Arrested Development is now in stores. Buy it.
-I’ve decided that I would pay $500 to see The Arcade Fire in concert. That’s my new way of describing bands… “Hey Ryan, do you like The Eagles?” I’d pay $10 max to see them. That includes gas money. See, I think that’s much more effective than just saying I don’t like them. It quantifies the situation.
-I had a fantasy football draft last weekend for a league in which I will definitely finish last. I couldn’t be there for the live draft, so I had to do my picks via phone while at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. I’m not really into Fantasy Football, but I’m addicted to competing in anything – eating, legit sports, anything… That’s what happens when you have 11 brothers; everything is a competition. Back on track… Doing a draft via phone, while surrounded by people who aren’t doing a fantasy draft, makes you realize how dorky it is. If there wasn’t a ball and tackling involved, it would be just as bad at Dungeons and Dragons, if not worse.
While I don’t really know what I’m doing in Fantasy Football (I have no idea how scoring works), my friend Jim knew absolutely nothing about any sport until two weeks ago. I’ve known him for over 8 years, and my friends and I have always played a game called, “Kick Jim’s Self-Esteem in the Nuts.” It’s a game in which we name any professional athlete, and Jim has to guess what sport he plays. If by chance he picks the right sport, the next step is picking which team he plays on. The odds of him getting that right are never higher than 1 out of 29. Sometimes we even name a team and have him guess which sport. He’s that clueless. The reason I’m bringing this up is because his fantasy football team is going to destroy my team. It’s depressing. He didn’t know who Terrell Owens is until two weeks ago, and at the draft, he turned to my friend Al and said, “Hey, do you know when Lamont Jordan’s bye-week is?” If he ends up beating me in this league, I may have to retire from being a guy. It will be a sad moment. I will post our results on my blog each week.
-In one of my soccer leagues a couple weeks ago, my brother and a guy from the other team were going for a 50-50 ball and the guy was pushing him with an extended arm, so my brother stretched to poke the ball out of bounds. When he did so, the push knocked him down, under the other guy. The guy thought my brother did a slide tackle from behind, and took a swing at the back of my brother’s head. It was a very vaginal swing, much like that of a 5-year-old girl with ms. Even if he did connect, it probably wouldn’t have hurt. I was right there so I pushed the guy away from my brother. The guy got a red card and kept coming after my brother, while he was calm, trying to figure out why the guy was so mad. The whole time he was being forced off the field, he was threatening my brother. The kicker came after the game, when we found out the guy is a Fairfax County Police Officer. So, don’t slide tackle cops in Fairfax or they will swing at you like a small, disabled girl. It’s a good thing they have weapons.
- Unsolicited Advice for Comics:
I saw a NYC open-mic for the first time on Tuesday. It was unbelievable how different and unproductive it was when compared to DC open-mics. If you’re an open mic comic who is considering moving to NYC, don’t do it. Work on your act in another city so that when you get to NYC, you won’t need to do open mics.
It was dreadful. Only a couple people, out of 20, seemed to realize that open mics are for developing material. Everyone else went up and yelled at the crowd about rape, hating Jesus, or hating successful comics. One girl went on a rant about how unfunny Will Ferrell is. I had never met anyone who didn’t find Will Ferrell hilarious before then. So, stay in DC, San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, or anywhere but NYC until you’re ready. It seemed like it would be impossible to improve at one of those shows.
-There is a show on TBS called “Midnight Money Madness.” I think it comes on at midnight. You have to watch this show. It is highly likely that it’s the worst game show ever. Tomorrow, I will give a run-down of an episode that I saw.
-While hanging out at the Comedy Cellar after the show on Monday with comics who definitely didn’t read my last blog entry, someone said that I look like River Phoenix if he didn’t die. Then someone said they could definitely picture me on the cover of Tiger Beat. What the hell is that? I just wrote last week about my friends telling me that several years ago. I think that of all the magazines in the world (and newsletters), Tiger Beat is probably the last cover I would want to grace. Here are the Top 5 and Bottom 5 on my list:
Top 5:
1. O
2. Black Entrepreneur
3. Stand-Up Comedy Biennial Super Magazine
4. Space Travel Weekly
5. Pro Wrestling Monthly
Bonus # 6. Highlights
Bottom 5:
5. Shotgun News
4. NRA Monthly Newsletter
3. Teen Beat
2. Any magazine having to do with man on man porn.
1. Tiger Beat
-Season 3 of Arrested Development is now in stores. Buy it.
-I’ve decided that I would pay $500 to see The Arcade Fire in concert. That’s my new way of describing bands… “Hey Ryan, do you like The Eagles?” I’d pay $10 max to see them. That includes gas money. See, I think that’s much more effective than just saying I don’t like them. It quantifies the situation.
-I had a fantasy football draft last weekend for a league in which I will definitely finish last. I couldn’t be there for the live draft, so I had to do my picks via phone while at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. I’m not really into Fantasy Football, but I’m addicted to competing in anything – eating, legit sports, anything… That’s what happens when you have 11 brothers; everything is a competition. Back on track… Doing a draft via phone, while surrounded by people who aren’t doing a fantasy draft, makes you realize how dorky it is. If there wasn’t a ball and tackling involved, it would be just as bad at Dungeons and Dragons, if not worse.
While I don’t really know what I’m doing in Fantasy Football (I have no idea how scoring works), my friend Jim knew absolutely nothing about any sport until two weeks ago. I’ve known him for over 8 years, and my friends and I have always played a game called, “Kick Jim’s Self-Esteem in the Nuts.” It’s a game in which we name any professional athlete, and Jim has to guess what sport he plays. If by chance he picks the right sport, the next step is picking which team he plays on. The odds of him getting that right are never higher than 1 out of 29. Sometimes we even name a team and have him guess which sport. He’s that clueless. The reason I’m bringing this up is because his fantasy football team is going to destroy my team. It’s depressing. He didn’t know who Terrell Owens is until two weeks ago, and at the draft, he turned to my friend Al and said, “Hey, do you know when Lamont Jordan’s bye-week is?” If he ends up beating me in this league, I may have to retire from being a guy. It will be a sad moment. I will post our results on my blog each week.
-In one of my soccer leagues a couple weeks ago, my brother and a guy from the other team were going for a 50-50 ball and the guy was pushing him with an extended arm, so my brother stretched to poke the ball out of bounds. When he did so, the push knocked him down, under the other guy. The guy thought my brother did a slide tackle from behind, and took a swing at the back of my brother’s head. It was a very vaginal swing, much like that of a 5-year-old girl with ms. Even if he did connect, it probably wouldn’t have hurt. I was right there so I pushed the guy away from my brother. The guy got a red card and kept coming after my brother, while he was calm, trying to figure out why the guy was so mad. The whole time he was being forced off the field, he was threatening my brother. The kicker came after the game, when we found out the guy is a Fairfax County Police Officer. So, don’t slide tackle cops in Fairfax or they will swing at you like a small, disabled girl. It’s a good thing they have weapons.
- Unsolicited Advice for Comics:
I saw a NYC open-mic for the first time on Tuesday. It was unbelievable how different and unproductive it was when compared to DC open-mics. If you’re an open mic comic who is considering moving to NYC, don’t do it. Work on your act in another city so that when you get to NYC, you won’t need to do open mics.
It was dreadful. Only a couple people, out of 20, seemed to realize that open mics are for developing material. Everyone else went up and yelled at the crowd about rape, hating Jesus, or hating successful comics. One girl went on a rant about how unfunny Will Ferrell is. I had never met anyone who didn’t find Will Ferrell hilarious before then. So, stay in DC, San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, or anywhere but NYC until you’re ready. It seemed like it would be impossible to improve at one of those shows.
-There is a show on TBS called “Midnight Money Madness.” I think it comes on at midnight. You have to watch this show. It is highly likely that it’s the worst game show ever. Tomorrow, I will give a run-down of an episode that I saw.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 4:08 PM
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