Awesome-saurus

-I wrote the below blog and Saturday and forgot to publish it. My bad.
Before you get to it, I would like to remind everyone that the NBA season begins tonight (I call it Ryan Conner Christmas).Words can't express how excited I get for opening night.
Every now and then, I'll read about a celebrity who likes the same team as me. I'm such a big Bulls fan that I have annoyed my family about them for 20 years. The Smashing Pumpkins are my favorite band, and I treat them like Evangelicals treat Jesus. If I had a dollar for every time I've said, “Have you accepted the Pumpkins as your band and saviour,” I'd have a dollar. So, I thought it was cool when I found out that Billy Corgan is a Bulls fan and season ticket holder. I don't know how I feel about the latest celebrity Bulls fan though. He's a little less likable. It's actually North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il. Sure, he's pretty famous and wears great sunglasses, but he also currently has about 200,000 prisoners of conscience in concentration camps awaiting their death (If you want to read a great memoir about this, pick up “The Aquariums of Pyongyang”). So, I'm not sure how I feel about him being a Bulls fan. I guess The Great Leader is just a fan of good team defense.
Now, the blog...
It's Saturday morning, and I'm in the Denver airport now, waiting to fly back to DC. I performed at the Colorado School of Mines yesterday. Their mascot is Ore Diggers, in case you're wondering.
Thanks to everyone at the school for coming to the show. And thanks to the student activities people, Eric, Becky, Chuck, and Kevin, for hanging out post-show.
Nothing in the last 24 hours has been okay. Everything has either been great or awful, starting from my departure from DC yesterday.
Event 1: While waiting in the security line in DC, I began to smell burning rubber. Since no one was panicking for the first 5 minutes, I thought maybe I forgot what burning rubber smelled like, and I was actually smelling Cinnabon. Then every security checkpoint closed for 40 minutes due to an electrical fire in the ceiling in my terminal. Awesome, considering my flight was scheduled to leave in 30 minutes. When I finally got through security I found that the fire was at my gate. This caused an extra 30 minutes of delay.
VERDICT: AWFUL.
Event 2: While waiting for the plane to begin boarding, one of the airline officials announced that all passengers could watch Direct TV for free because of the delay. Most passengers took it in stride. I think we we're all happy, but you don't want to get too excited about saving five bucks. Or do you? Five women, all with 1990-1992 haircuts, began to scream like they were the next contestants on The Price is Right. My gut reaction was to think, “What are they, Mormons?” We'll come back to that.
One of the women was holding a pizza box from California Pizza Kitchen like it was a book. Was she indiscriminate about the state of her pizza, or was she saving the box because it was colorful? Only God knows that one. I think Adam Smith might have a hunch as well.
While in the tunnel (does anyone know what they're called?) to the plane, the women start talking about their last names. One woman said, “People always mispronounce my last name.” Someone asked how to pronounce it. I wish I was making this up, but she said, “Limerick.” Then all the other woman started saying it like they had just learned how to say “Where are the bathrooms?” in a foreign language. The Limerick lady interrupted and said, “You know, like 'There once was a man from Nantucket...'” All five women laughed hysterically at this, for some reason.
Then one of the women said, “I once dated a guy whose last name was W-E-I-N-E-R. I wanted to be etiquette (which isn't a valid phrase), so I pronounced it 'Winer'. But he said, 'No, it's [she whispers] Weiner.'” The women all cackled for a bit, then started mouthing “Weiner” to each other. But no sound was coming out of their mouths. They thought they were being naughty, I guess.
Once we were on the plane, another passenger asked if they were sisters. Of course they howled at that, and one said, “No, we're co-workers. But we are from Salt Lake City, so I guess we could be sisters.”
I knew they were Mormons.
VERDICT: MORMONY
Event 3: While watching Direct TV on my flight, I watched a softball interview with Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, on Fox News. They didn't have CNN. When asked about the timing of the “These are the stakes” ad, which is airing nationwide, he claimed it isn't a political ad. He said, “These are the words of the terrorists, not the administration.” And claimed that it is just laying out the facts... which is a political answer. The cabinet is supposed to be apolitical. You decide if it's a political, fear mongering ad. It depicts Bin Laden and other Al-Qaeda figures talking about how they want to kill Americans on American soil, and that “the worst is yet to come.” Then it says “These are the stakes... This ad was brought to you by the Republican National Committee.” How is that not political? I guess it's just a fact now that Democrats want Al-Qaeda to kill Americans on American soil.
The interviewer accepted his answer with a smile and had no follow up. Fair and balanced?
What a douche.
VERDICT: Awful
Event 4: I had a buffalo burger at my hotel.
VERDICT: GREAT
Event 5: While walking to my show, my iPod broke for the second time in three months.
VERDICT: Awful.
Event 6: The show.
VERDICT: Fun.
Event 7: In one of the greatest experiences of my life, I saw Triceratops tracks. They are on the campus of the school. It's amazing. You walk behind Greek row, and there are dinosaurs. I couldn't believe it. The weird thing is that no one else was looking at them when I was. I thought there would always be a huge crowd around them. But I think Coloradoans are numb to the fact that they have dinosaurs everywhere because they've always lived near them. Come on Colorado, wake up and look at the dinosaurs. This might be the biggest case of taking something for granted that I've ever encountered. If I lived near dinosaurs, every conversation I would have would be about them. They would all start, “Hey, how about those dinosaurs, huh?” And if the conversation ever strayed from dinosaurs, I would bring it back. I'm a big fan of dinosaurs.
VERDICT: Incredible.
Event 8: I saw a white guy, a very white guy, doing “Gin and Juice” at a karaoke thing. It was magnificent. He was the guy in every Eddie Griffin joke about white people. I will be acquiring video of this soon.
VERDICT:AMAZING.
Event 9: When going through security in Denver, my toothpaste and hand lotion were confiscated because they were over three ounces each. The toothpaste was 3.1 and the lotion was 3.3. I never imagined to good hygiene could pose a security threat. I'm also #43 on Homeland Securities' list of Least Threatening Humans. What could possibly go wrong with those extra four tenths of an ounce that I have? This is easily the stupidest security measure anyone in the world has ever taken. What ever happened to common sense?
VERDICT: Awesome.
Event 10: This airport has no free WiFi, so I have to upload this when I get home.
VERDICT: Gay.