Joe Robinson Emboldens the Terrorists!
-This year has been the best sports year since 1996. ’96 was an overall great year in sports history, but 2006 has been a great personal sports year. This is why: The White Sox won the World Series (in 2005, but close enough). The Bears are about to go 16-0. The Bulls are one of the youngest teams in basketball and they will make it to the Eastern Conference Finals this year. George Mason made it to the Final Four. I quit playing soccer ten years ago, and just started playing again. Through five games, playing center-mid, I’ve scored 5 goals. All of a sudden, I am a monster in my Yahoo Fantasy Football league. Seriously, a monster. I’m killing people.
I don’t think there is a precedent for this type of sports year for any individual. If you’ve had a year that rivals this, please comment and let me know.
-Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela has been all over the news lately. He’s an overall nut-job, but he also provides affordable oil to NYC’s poor. So, to be fair, he does have one redeeming quality.
He said some unprofessional things in his speech at the UN a couple weeks ago. But from a comedic standpoint, it was great. He actually said, referring to President Bush, "Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today…”
Who says that? It still smell of sulfur? Professional wrestlers aren’t even that dramatic. Heads of state definitely don’t talk like that. He’s so ridiculous; no one can take him seriously. I had to laugh when I watched it. He’s like a cartoon. He should be on a Mexican variety show. Give him an orange wig, freckles, a hat with a propeller, an ice cream cone and a hula hoop and let him do his thing.
-I’m sorry Joe Robinson, but Congress has passed and the president has signed a bill that bans Internet gambling from within the United States, and bans financial institutions from allowing payments to Internet gambling sites. The reason: They said that too many Americans have wasted too much money doing this. What about personal responsibility? Why don’t we ban alcohol, cigarettes, and all luxury items? More money is spent on all of those things.
The real reason is the Internet gambling companies are based offshore, and therefore not regulated and taxed by the U.S. government. But it sells better to make it an ethical issue. It’s great that the people who stress small government and individual liberties are limiting ways in which Americans can spend their own money. Maybe if we keep stripping away our freedoms, the terrorists will no longer hate us.
-I didn’t see the first movie, or the TV show, but I saw Jackass 2 and I am… confused. I don’t know if I loved it or hated it. When the slate that said, “Dickhouse Productions,” appeared before the movie, and people laughed hysterically, I had a feeling I wasn’t going to see the new Annie Hall, but I didn’t know what I was in for. Some scenes were hilarious, but a scene of guys drinking horse semen would follow and ruin the previous scene. I guess it was worth the two hours spent in the theatre though. I think I’m going to be pissed one day when I’m trying to recall some historical fact, and I can’t because that information has been replaced by an image of a midget being punched by a mechanical boxing glove.
-In a previous blog entry, I wrote about the incompetence, and putrid smell of Eastern Buses. But last Tuesday, as I took the bus from DC to NY, they took it to a new level. The events that took place, in numerical order, are as follows:
1. I arrived at 12:45 PM for my 1:00 PM bus. They told me that they cancelled my bus, and that I could take the 2 PM bus. That was perfect because sitting in Chinatown for an hour is a blast.
2. While waiting inside for the bus, a woman talked non-stop about how “The Chinese (as if they’re a gang), act like they don’t understand you. But as soon as you mention money, oh that’s when they speak English, child. That’s right, they keep their money straight. Any other time, they act like they don’t understand you.” This woman had a thick mustache.
We eventually went outside to wait for the bus. While there, her phone rang. I wrote down what she said. “Hey girl… Waiting for the bus to New York… In Chinatown… This place changed in the last ten years. It looks like a different place… I don’t know the street… Umm… there’s a bunch of restaurants on the street… It’s right by that thing (referring to the Chinatown Gate)…you know the thing they built (getting extremely agitated by either the fact that it was built or that she didn’t know what it was)… I don’t know… it’s a house or something… not a house, like a temple… maybe it’s church…a China church…I don’t know what the hell it is… It’s supposed to be some China thing… It’s like a bridge that goes over the street or something… (growing even more angry) It’s got bright colors and things… I don’t know, maybe superstitions or something… it starts on one side of the street, goes up, and comes down the other side… I don’t know if there’s people in it… Alright, bye.”
What was the point of that conversation? I have a feeling that its original intent wasn’t to discuss the Chinatown Gate, but that’s all they talked about. She had a thick mustache.
3. Andy Kline bought a ticket for the 2 PM bus and was meeting me there. He encountered delays on Metro, which put him there at 1:55 PM. Normally that would be fine, but the bus left at 1:54 PM. I told the bus driver that my friend was a block away, he bought a ticket and that he probably shouldn’t leave early. He replied, “Go now. No sit ticket.” He had a great point. I never would’ve thought of it like that.
4. Recap: There is a crazy, racist, mustachioed woman on the bus, and we left Andy Kline, the mild-mannered, non-racist comic.
5. I sat in the second to last row. The bus probably had a total of 35 passengers, with 6 or 7 in the last five rows.
6. This bus always makes a suspicious stop in Baltimore. We pull into a rest stop and sometimes people are standing on the corner. Sometimes those people get on the bus.
7. Because we left early from DC, we had a few extra minutes to wait for people in Baltimore. And it’s a good thing we did! Just before we pulled out, a guy boarded who looked like he could have some issues. Of course he went straight to the back and sat across from me. Then I inhaled, as I have a habit of doing every few seconds, and I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Why? Because the new passenger must have been homeless, and smelled like he washed his clothes in piss and filled his pockets with shit. I didn’t breathe for about 30-45 seconds. Then I rushed into the bathroom, because it smelled better. After a few seconds, the smell crept in while I was peeing. This caused me to gag again and get a little pee on my pants, which didn’t help my case for moving to the front of the bus because the back smelled like piss. Luckily, I was well hydrated, and there was relatively no acidity, and scentless. That may have been gross.
8. When I got out of the bathroom, I grabbed my stuff and went to the front of the bus. Everyone else in the back followed suit. For the next two hours, all passengers covered their face holes with their shirts to avoid any funk intrusions.
9. We stopped at a rest stop in New Jersey. The driver didn’t tell us how long we had to get food, but told us that he’d leave as soon as he finished getting gas. If we were left, we were told it would be our problem to figure out. So, I stayed on the bus. The two Spanish tourists in front of me didn’t. Neither did the father of a child, two rows ahead of me. Also, neither did the homeless guy. The bus driver attempted to leave all four of them, and only stopped to wait after everyone yelled at him and the child whose father was rushing to the bus started to cry.
10. He allowed the father and the Spaniards to re-board, but didn’t wait for the homeless guy.
This presents two questions: 1) Andy Kline said, “What new business did the homeless guy have to take care of in New York. Did they need his piss in The Bronx?” 2) Did Eastern turn from villain to Machiavellian hero by leaving the homeless guy? If you think about it, being homeless at a nice rest stop in NJ is better than being homeless in New York. There’s bathrooms, a shower and plenty of food. And they spared the rest of the passengers of the smell. I think everyone won, except Andy.
11. On my return trip, the guy across from me tried to steal watermelon soda (Who knew it existed?) from the German tourist in front of me. He also danced like he was in a Britney Spears’ video for the duration of the 5 hour bus ride.
DO NOT RIDE EASTERN BUSES!!!!!
I don’t think there is a precedent for this type of sports year for any individual. If you’ve had a year that rivals this, please comment and let me know.
-Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela has been all over the news lately. He’s an overall nut-job, but he also provides affordable oil to NYC’s poor. So, to be fair, he does have one redeeming quality.
He said some unprofessional things in his speech at the UN a couple weeks ago. But from a comedic standpoint, it was great. He actually said, referring to President Bush, "Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today…”
Who says that? It still smell of sulfur? Professional wrestlers aren’t even that dramatic. Heads of state definitely don’t talk like that. He’s so ridiculous; no one can take him seriously. I had to laugh when I watched it. He’s like a cartoon. He should be on a Mexican variety show. Give him an orange wig, freckles, a hat with a propeller, an ice cream cone and a hula hoop and let him do his thing.
-I’m sorry Joe Robinson, but Congress has passed and the president has signed a bill that bans Internet gambling from within the United States, and bans financial institutions from allowing payments to Internet gambling sites. The reason: They said that too many Americans have wasted too much money doing this. What about personal responsibility? Why don’t we ban alcohol, cigarettes, and all luxury items? More money is spent on all of those things.
The real reason is the Internet gambling companies are based offshore, and therefore not regulated and taxed by the U.S. government. But it sells better to make it an ethical issue. It’s great that the people who stress small government and individual liberties are limiting ways in which Americans can spend their own money. Maybe if we keep stripping away our freedoms, the terrorists will no longer hate us.
-I didn’t see the first movie, or the TV show, but I saw Jackass 2 and I am… confused. I don’t know if I loved it or hated it. When the slate that said, “Dickhouse Productions,” appeared before the movie, and people laughed hysterically, I had a feeling I wasn’t going to see the new Annie Hall, but I didn’t know what I was in for. Some scenes were hilarious, but a scene of guys drinking horse semen would follow and ruin the previous scene. I guess it was worth the two hours spent in the theatre though. I think I’m going to be pissed one day when I’m trying to recall some historical fact, and I can’t because that information has been replaced by an image of a midget being punched by a mechanical boxing glove.
-In a previous blog entry, I wrote about the incompetence, and putrid smell of Eastern Buses. But last Tuesday, as I took the bus from DC to NY, they took it to a new level. The events that took place, in numerical order, are as follows:
1. I arrived at 12:45 PM for my 1:00 PM bus. They told me that they cancelled my bus, and that I could take the 2 PM bus. That was perfect because sitting in Chinatown for an hour is a blast.
2. While waiting inside for the bus, a woman talked non-stop about how “The Chinese (as if they’re a gang), act like they don’t understand you. But as soon as you mention money, oh that’s when they speak English, child. That’s right, they keep their money straight. Any other time, they act like they don’t understand you.” This woman had a thick mustache.
We eventually went outside to wait for the bus. While there, her phone rang. I wrote down what she said. “Hey girl… Waiting for the bus to New York… In Chinatown… This place changed in the last ten years. It looks like a different place… I don’t know the street… Umm… there’s a bunch of restaurants on the street… It’s right by that thing (referring to the Chinatown Gate)…you know the thing they built (getting extremely agitated by either the fact that it was built or that she didn’t know what it was)… I don’t know… it’s a house or something… not a house, like a temple… maybe it’s church…a China church…I don’t know what the hell it is… It’s supposed to be some China thing… It’s like a bridge that goes over the street or something… (growing even more angry) It’s got bright colors and things… I don’t know, maybe superstitions or something… it starts on one side of the street, goes up, and comes down the other side… I don’t know if there’s people in it… Alright, bye.”
What was the point of that conversation? I have a feeling that its original intent wasn’t to discuss the Chinatown Gate, but that’s all they talked about. She had a thick mustache.
3. Andy Kline bought a ticket for the 2 PM bus and was meeting me there. He encountered delays on Metro, which put him there at 1:55 PM. Normally that would be fine, but the bus left at 1:54 PM. I told the bus driver that my friend was a block away, he bought a ticket and that he probably shouldn’t leave early. He replied, “Go now. No sit ticket.” He had a great point. I never would’ve thought of it like that.
4. Recap: There is a crazy, racist, mustachioed woman on the bus, and we left Andy Kline, the mild-mannered, non-racist comic.
5. I sat in the second to last row. The bus probably had a total of 35 passengers, with 6 or 7 in the last five rows.
6. This bus always makes a suspicious stop in Baltimore. We pull into a rest stop and sometimes people are standing on the corner. Sometimes those people get on the bus.
7. Because we left early from DC, we had a few extra minutes to wait for people in Baltimore. And it’s a good thing we did! Just before we pulled out, a guy boarded who looked like he could have some issues. Of course he went straight to the back and sat across from me. Then I inhaled, as I have a habit of doing every few seconds, and I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Why? Because the new passenger must have been homeless, and smelled like he washed his clothes in piss and filled his pockets with shit. I didn’t breathe for about 30-45 seconds. Then I rushed into the bathroom, because it smelled better. After a few seconds, the smell crept in while I was peeing. This caused me to gag again and get a little pee on my pants, which didn’t help my case for moving to the front of the bus because the back smelled like piss. Luckily, I was well hydrated, and there was relatively no acidity, and scentless. That may have been gross.
8. When I got out of the bathroom, I grabbed my stuff and went to the front of the bus. Everyone else in the back followed suit. For the next two hours, all passengers covered their face holes with their shirts to avoid any funk intrusions.
9. We stopped at a rest stop in New Jersey. The driver didn’t tell us how long we had to get food, but told us that he’d leave as soon as he finished getting gas. If we were left, we were told it would be our problem to figure out. So, I stayed on the bus. The two Spanish tourists in front of me didn’t. Neither did the father of a child, two rows ahead of me. Also, neither did the homeless guy. The bus driver attempted to leave all four of them, and only stopped to wait after everyone yelled at him and the child whose father was rushing to the bus started to cry.
10. He allowed the father and the Spaniards to re-board, but didn’t wait for the homeless guy.
This presents two questions: 1) Andy Kline said, “What new business did the homeless guy have to take care of in New York. Did they need his piss in The Bronx?” 2) Did Eastern turn from villain to Machiavellian hero by leaving the homeless guy? If you think about it, being homeless at a nice rest stop in NJ is better than being homeless in New York. There’s bathrooms, a shower and plenty of food. And they spared the rest of the passengers of the smell. I think everyone won, except Andy.
11. On my return trip, the guy across from me tried to steal watermelon soda (Who knew it existed?) from the German tourist in front of me. He also danced like he was in a Britney Spears’ video for the duration of the 5 hour bus ride.
DO NOT RIDE EASTERN BUSES!!!!!
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 3:11 PM
1 Comments:
Age 12: Quincy Ledbetter broke wooden boards with his hands and with his feet in his Judo class, thus winning him the honor of attaining an orange belt with two stripes from his Judo instructor.
That was a great year in sports history. Perhaps better than your gay ass soccer accomplishments.
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