make 'em say uhhh
-Dear New Jersey,
It’s 2006. We can pump our own gas.
Sincerely,
Everyone
-Brandon Ivey and I saw Cursive in concert last week. They were phenomenal. If you get a chance to see them, do so. The opening acts, The Thermals and Detachment Kit, played every song at the same fast tempo. All of their albums should be called, “Music to Sprint To.” I think that’s the only thing you can do comfortably while listening to them.
-I performed at Brookdale Community College in Monmouth, New Jersey last week. Every community college I had seen up to this point was essentially a warehouse with a bookcase and a piece of chalk. This was like a real college campus though.
Even though the campus was nice, while I was there, I was reminded that community colleges don’t have admission standards. Half of the crowd was people who were going to a community college for two years to save money before transferring to a 4-year school. The other half never took the tags off their hats. They were the type of guys who will take two classes each semester until they die, always claiming that they can’t transfer to a four-year school because they can’t afford it, due to all of their money being spent on their Civic. And they have a point; why would anyone want to drive a 4-door coupe that doesn’t have a 6-inch resonator tip, 20-inch rims and a body kit that makes it look like a Transformer. That would be ridiculous. This demographic didn’t like my jokes.
Also, a five-paragraph preview for the show was the feature article in the school’s weekly newspaper, which is cool. But, just below my picture: “FREE PAP SMEARS THIS THURSDAY!!!” That begs the question, is a free pap smear a good pap smear? Since it’s free, are they cutting corners and not giving people the full pap or only a partial smear? I don’t know how that stuff works. All I’m saying is, if it’s free, it’s probably not going to be as good. Or effective. I don’t know the terminology. I suppose it’s never “good.” Whatever…
-Recent Awkward Crowd Interactions with Children:
1.At the Bethesda Hyatt, two weeks ago, Larry Poon may have created the funniest crowd interaction in history. He’s a dirty comic, and there was a small boy sitting in the front row, who looked to be about 9 years old. The first thing Larry said when he got on stage was, “I say some dirty things up here that may not be appropriate for you. How old are you sir?”
Then the kid’s dad shot back, “It’s not a sir. That’s my daughter.”
So, Larry stared at the kid for a few seconds, got off the stage and walked up to the kid, sized her up and said, “I guess.”
Video of this may surface soon.
2.Last Sunday at The Comedy Spot in Arlington, there were three high school girls in the front row that laughed at everything. I mean literally everything. They would laugh at the previous two sentences. It was ridiculous. Their laughs were so frequent and loud that it was hard to concentrate on stage. And I didn’t want to tell them to stop laughing, since it was a comedy show. Plus, if a girl is 15 and is laughing loudly in public, she probably has self-esteem. I didn’t want to yell at them and mess that up.
I can’t stress enough that everyone knew these girls were 15.
During my set, I did a new joke about people who don’t believe in science. It started with me sarcastically saying, “I hate science…”
One of the girls replied, “Me too. I hate Chemistry.”
So, I said, “Not the class, but the idea of gathering knowledge…”
At this point, it seems that there could be no confusion about their age. They were 15.
Next up: A comic who didn't know the front row contained young girls.
Pre-defense: I don’t know if he didn’t pay attention to the show prior to his set or what, but he had no idea. Also, you can’t see the crowd from the stage at The Comedy Spot.
About one minute into his set, he leaned toward the three girls and said, “I’m looking at all the beautiful women in here tonight and I think I could disappoint each and every one of you.” Normally this gets a laugh. But on this occasion it sent out waves of creepy that made everyone but him uncomfortable, because he still had no idea they were young. Once again, you can't see the crowd from the stage.
Then it became clear that he definitely didn’t know the girls were young, because he said, “Anyone here into video games?” The girls went crazy. So, he said, “Oh my God. Where were you girls ten years ago?” There was an awkward silence, followed by one of the girls saying, “We were 5.” Then he turned and slapped the wall.
The End.
Bonus coverage:
Go see Daniel Tosh and Kevin Williams at the DC Improv this weekend. Also, check out Kevin's site. His Comment Cards section is one of the funniest website features of all time.
It’s 2006. We can pump our own gas.
Sincerely,
Everyone
-Brandon Ivey and I saw Cursive in concert last week. They were phenomenal. If you get a chance to see them, do so. The opening acts, The Thermals and Detachment Kit, played every song at the same fast tempo. All of their albums should be called, “Music to Sprint To.” I think that’s the only thing you can do comfortably while listening to them.
-I performed at Brookdale Community College in Monmouth, New Jersey last week. Every community college I had seen up to this point was essentially a warehouse with a bookcase and a piece of chalk. This was like a real college campus though.
Even though the campus was nice, while I was there, I was reminded that community colleges don’t have admission standards. Half of the crowd was people who were going to a community college for two years to save money before transferring to a 4-year school. The other half never took the tags off their hats. They were the type of guys who will take two classes each semester until they die, always claiming that they can’t transfer to a four-year school because they can’t afford it, due to all of their money being spent on their Civic. And they have a point; why would anyone want to drive a 4-door coupe that doesn’t have a 6-inch resonator tip, 20-inch rims and a body kit that makes it look like a Transformer. That would be ridiculous. This demographic didn’t like my jokes.
Also, a five-paragraph preview for the show was the feature article in the school’s weekly newspaper, which is cool. But, just below my picture: “FREE PAP SMEARS THIS THURSDAY!!!” That begs the question, is a free pap smear a good pap smear? Since it’s free, are they cutting corners and not giving people the full pap or only a partial smear? I don’t know how that stuff works. All I’m saying is, if it’s free, it’s probably not going to be as good. Or effective. I don’t know the terminology. I suppose it’s never “good.” Whatever…
-Recent Awkward Crowd Interactions with Children:
1.At the Bethesda Hyatt, two weeks ago, Larry Poon may have created the funniest crowd interaction in history. He’s a dirty comic, and there was a small boy sitting in the front row, who looked to be about 9 years old. The first thing Larry said when he got on stage was, “I say some dirty things up here that may not be appropriate for you. How old are you sir?”
Then the kid’s dad shot back, “It’s not a sir. That’s my daughter.”
So, Larry stared at the kid for a few seconds, got off the stage and walked up to the kid, sized her up and said, “I guess.”
Video of this may surface soon.
2.Last Sunday at The Comedy Spot in Arlington, there were three high school girls in the front row that laughed at everything. I mean literally everything. They would laugh at the previous two sentences. It was ridiculous. Their laughs were so frequent and loud that it was hard to concentrate on stage. And I didn’t want to tell them to stop laughing, since it was a comedy show. Plus, if a girl is 15 and is laughing loudly in public, she probably has self-esteem. I didn’t want to yell at them and mess that up.
I can’t stress enough that everyone knew these girls were 15.
During my set, I did a new joke about people who don’t believe in science. It started with me sarcastically saying, “I hate science…”
One of the girls replied, “Me too. I hate Chemistry.”
So, I said, “Not the class, but the idea of gathering knowledge…”
At this point, it seems that there could be no confusion about their age. They were 15.
Next up: A comic who didn't know the front row contained young girls.
Pre-defense: I don’t know if he didn’t pay attention to the show prior to his set or what, but he had no idea. Also, you can’t see the crowd from the stage at The Comedy Spot.
About one minute into his set, he leaned toward the three girls and said, “I’m looking at all the beautiful women in here tonight and I think I could disappoint each and every one of you.” Normally this gets a laugh. But on this occasion it sent out waves of creepy that made everyone but him uncomfortable, because he still had no idea they were young. Once again, you can't see the crowd from the stage.
Then it became clear that he definitely didn’t know the girls were young, because he said, “Anyone here into video games?” The girls went crazy. So, he said, “Oh my God. Where were you girls ten years ago?” There was an awkward silence, followed by one of the girls saying, “We were 5.” Then he turned and slapped the wall.
The End.
Bonus coverage:
Go see Daniel Tosh and Kevin Williams at the DC Improv this weekend. Also, check out Kevin's site. His Comment Cards section is one of the funniest website features of all time.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 1:35 PM
2 Comments:
Haha, spot-on on the Brookdale summary. I was the semi-bearded guy who you came up to talk to after the show for a second. I'm definitely a huge fan of your comedy, and would see you again and again!
For the record, New Jersey maintains full-service gas stations to create jobs for low-skilled workers.
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