The Everlasting Gaze
-Don’t forget to vote tomorrow.
-If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Why would I want to hang out with Ryan Conner and Danny Rouhier at the same time,” then take a look at this picture and the answer will be clear. It’s because they do awesome things.
Notice that this looks nothing like me...
-I like John Madden. Many people find him stupid and annoying. But I think he says stupid stuff on purpose. He had a great line in the Colts-Patriots game last night.
“Now, the best thing that could come out of this drive would be a touchdown. The second best thing would be a field goal. And the worst would be a turnover.” Those conditions apply to every drive in the history of football.
It doesn’t get much better than that. My all-time favorite Madden line would have to be from a Redskins-Eagles game about 5 years ago. He said, “When these two teams play, you know it’s either going to be a high-scoring game or a low-scoring game. And either way, you know someone is gonna win.” I challenge you to find a more stupid-funny statement.
-Watch the Borat movie. It’s hysterical. There’s a scene with a few idiotic frat guys. When they said the name of their fraternity, the guys sitting next to me cheered… then the scene ensued. If you’ve seen the movie, you know how stupid the guys felt. If not, I don’t want to ruin it.
I don’t understand why the guys would have thought to cheer in the first place though. Why would they think that anything positive could come out of it? This was forty minutes into Borat making everyone he came across look like a complete idiot. And for some reason, these frat guys thought, “Borat’s gonna love our brothers from South Carolina.” Then the guys suggested that women and minorities should be slaves. Oops.
-If you haven’t heard The Ricky Gervais Show podcast, go to iTunes and get it now. It is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, ever.
-What a bizarre picture. This was in Rolling Stone’s pictures of the week. Why would anyone pose for a picture in public as if they’re doing a modeling shoot? Vanity anyone? Also, Ricky Martin and Marc Anthony are about to make out.
-I spent Saturday and Sunday in Atlantic City for a friend’s bachelor party.
We gambled at Tropicana most of the time. I think the best compliment that could ever be paid to Atlantic City is, “Well, this almost looks like it could be in Vegas.” In other words, it’s almost as nice as where everyone there actually wanted to be. The second greatest compliment would be, “This casino is alright. It kind of makes me forget that if I go outside there are 6:1 odds of getting stabbed.”
Atlantic City has windmills. How can you have wind power, and not be able to get your city to stop smelling like a fart warehouse?
My friend John, the guy who does butter shots on my pictures page, wears the gayest shirts. He showed up wearing a pink t-shirt. We made fun of him for it, so he changed before we went to gamble. Then it got gayer. He put on a navy button-down shirt with baby blue and light green polka-dots. While thinking, how could this shirt get any gayer, I walked toward him and discovered that the polka-dots weren’t polka-dots at all. They were butterflies. It could only be gayer if it was butterflies giving other butterflies rim-jobs. One of my friends said that if anyone asks, he should say they’re moths. I guess moths are slightly more masculine. John also pees sitting down.
We went into a weird bar that sold 6 packs of Heineken for $8, which was also the price of a shot of vodka. Next week it will be a strip club. In the meantime, it’s just empty. So, it was our group of thirteen and the bartender. That was it. The bartender was either incredibly hot, or our standards had been considerably lowered because 9 out of 10 people in Atlantic City look like they were cross-bred with a mule. Ugliest City on Earth, easily. Anyway, the bartender was Russian. Because my friend Spanky (who just found out that his nickname has hurt his chances with women over the years) took two years of Russian in college, everyone thought he should talk to her. He disagreed, because he only remembered about five words. He thought, and rightly so, that the fact that he knows five words in a language that she knows isn’t enough common ground to get a conversation going. But everyone pushed him on it anyway. Then, the moment came in which he asked if she was Russian, in Russian. She responded in Russian, saying, “Yes, do you speak Russian?” In English, Spanky responded, “No. I took some classes, but don’t remember anything.” Then there was an awkward pause and she walked away. Mission: Accomplished.
-My friend Glen was playing PS2 with my friend Jim. It was a game with gladiators, and Glen wanted to switch games. Jim would have none of that. So, Glen took his dick out and started using it to press buttons. Jim didn’t notice, so Glen said, “Hey, what’s up with my controller?” Jim looked down, then ran outside.
-If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Why would I want to hang out with Ryan Conner and Danny Rouhier at the same time,” then take a look at this picture and the answer will be clear. It’s because they do awesome things.
Notice that this looks nothing like me...
-I like John Madden. Many people find him stupid and annoying. But I think he says stupid stuff on purpose. He had a great line in the Colts-Patriots game last night.
“Now, the best thing that could come out of this drive would be a touchdown. The second best thing would be a field goal. And the worst would be a turnover.” Those conditions apply to every drive in the history of football.
It doesn’t get much better than that. My all-time favorite Madden line would have to be from a Redskins-Eagles game about 5 years ago. He said, “When these two teams play, you know it’s either going to be a high-scoring game or a low-scoring game. And either way, you know someone is gonna win.” I challenge you to find a more stupid-funny statement.
-Watch the Borat movie. It’s hysterical. There’s a scene with a few idiotic frat guys. When they said the name of their fraternity, the guys sitting next to me cheered… then the scene ensued. If you’ve seen the movie, you know how stupid the guys felt. If not, I don’t want to ruin it.
I don’t understand why the guys would have thought to cheer in the first place though. Why would they think that anything positive could come out of it? This was forty minutes into Borat making everyone he came across look like a complete idiot. And for some reason, these frat guys thought, “Borat’s gonna love our brothers from South Carolina.” Then the guys suggested that women and minorities should be slaves. Oops.
-If you haven’t heard The Ricky Gervais Show podcast, go to iTunes and get it now. It is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, ever.
-What a bizarre picture. This was in Rolling Stone’s pictures of the week. Why would anyone pose for a picture in public as if they’re doing a modeling shoot? Vanity anyone? Also, Ricky Martin and Marc Anthony are about to make out.
-I spent Saturday and Sunday in Atlantic City for a friend’s bachelor party.
We gambled at Tropicana most of the time. I think the best compliment that could ever be paid to Atlantic City is, “Well, this almost looks like it could be in Vegas.” In other words, it’s almost as nice as where everyone there actually wanted to be. The second greatest compliment would be, “This casino is alright. It kind of makes me forget that if I go outside there are 6:1 odds of getting stabbed.”
Atlantic City has windmills. How can you have wind power, and not be able to get your city to stop smelling like a fart warehouse?
My friend John, the guy who does butter shots on my pictures page, wears the gayest shirts. He showed up wearing a pink t-shirt. We made fun of him for it, so he changed before we went to gamble. Then it got gayer. He put on a navy button-down shirt with baby blue and light green polka-dots. While thinking, how could this shirt get any gayer, I walked toward him and discovered that the polka-dots weren’t polka-dots at all. They were butterflies. It could only be gayer if it was butterflies giving other butterflies rim-jobs. One of my friends said that if anyone asks, he should say they’re moths. I guess moths are slightly more masculine. John also pees sitting down.
We went into a weird bar that sold 6 packs of Heineken for $8, which was also the price of a shot of vodka. Next week it will be a strip club. In the meantime, it’s just empty. So, it was our group of thirteen and the bartender. That was it. The bartender was either incredibly hot, or our standards had been considerably lowered because 9 out of 10 people in Atlantic City look like they were cross-bred with a mule. Ugliest City on Earth, easily. Anyway, the bartender was Russian. Because my friend Spanky (who just found out that his nickname has hurt his chances with women over the years) took two years of Russian in college, everyone thought he should talk to her. He disagreed, because he only remembered about five words. He thought, and rightly so, that the fact that he knows five words in a language that she knows isn’t enough common ground to get a conversation going. But everyone pushed him on it anyway. Then, the moment came in which he asked if she was Russian, in Russian. She responded in Russian, saying, “Yes, do you speak Russian?” In English, Spanky responded, “No. I took some classes, but don’t remember anything.” Then there was an awkward pause and she walked away. Mission: Accomplished.
-My friend Glen was playing PS2 with my friend Jim. It was a game with gladiators, and Glen wanted to switch games. Jim would have none of that. So, Glen took his dick out and started using it to press buttons. Jim didn’t notice, so Glen said, “Hey, what’s up with my controller?” Jim looked down, then ran outside.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 2:12 PM
1 Comments:
I wanted to comment on the sketch of you and Danny. The artist did a great job of drawing Danny. You couldn't possibly get any more accurate than that. The artist should donate it to the police as a suspect sketch in case Rouhier ever decides to start robbing banks.
But I disagree with the artist's rendering of you, Ryan. I don't know, maybe it's because I spent a solid minute and a half staring at the side of your face in the car this weekend, but I think you're definitely better looking than the drawing.
Also, you neglected to point out that in the Rolling Stone picture, the woman on the right looks like she's reaching to tickle Marc Anthony's balls.
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