All-Time MLB Names Power Rankings

Of all the major professional sports, somehow baseball is above and beyond the others when it comes to producing guys with awful names. The names are even funnier than soccer names, and with soccer we're picking from a pool that consists of the whole world, instead of about 20-25 U.S. States and a few other small to smallish countries countries.

Without further adieu, here are the 11 worst names in baseball history, in descending order.

11. Brian Asselstine – Nothing could ever be done that could convince me this is a real name. I just don't believe it. What could possibly be the origin of that name? “Oh, you're an Asselstine? That's Belgian, right?” No, I descend from Queen Asselstine of the Moores.

10. Johnny Wockenfuss – I've never met a Wockenfuss either. Little known fact... Wockenfuss was Attila the Hun's last name, but Attila dropped it because no one took him seriously. The name pretty much died out then. But there was one lineage of Wockenfi that made it to Wisconsin, producing little Johnny Wockenfus. As of date of research, they had all died.

**I have his card, but can't find a picture of him online due to overwhelming results of another famous person who shares his name.

9. Mike Tyson – Think about how excited this guy was when the other Mike Tyson became the youngest heavyweight champion in history and probably the greatest knockout artist as well. Imagine the pride this guy had in his name. Then, woops, rape! Uh-oh. Not a cool name any more. “I'll fuck you 'til you love me, faggot,” is just one of dozens of Mike Tyson quotes that must have made this guy cringe over the years. On the positive side, he can probably get dinner reservations anywhere, any time, out of rape-fear.

8. Dickie Thon – As a general rule, don't name your kid any variation of the word “Dick,” especially if when combined with your last name makes him sound like the name for a gay porn marathon.

7. Biff Pocoroba – He's probably a nice guy, but I don't think there's ever been a more douchebag sounding name. He was definitely born to play cricket, but grew up in the wrong country.

6. Heine Manush – This name sounds cool, but also sounds like it would be a cartoon character. If I was one of his friends, I'd keep asking him, “Yeah, but what's your real name?” It sounds like a character like Larry Poon, from a time when you couldn't say “Poon.”

5. Alberto Pujols – I'd like to thank my friend Martin for pointing this out. Pujols. Pu-jols. Poo holes. Rectum. In Spanish, Pujols actually means, “foot like a lion,” so you can't fault anyone for his name.

4. Dick Pole – Going back to the previous general rule, never name your kid any variation of the word, “Dick,” especially if your last name will only remind people that his first name is “Dick.” In this regard, the only name of this variety that could be worse is “Dick Stick.”

3. Pete LaCock – At least Pete LaCock didn't go by “Peter.” This shows a level of self-awareness not demonstrated by Dickie Thon. This would be number one, but I met a family of LaCocks in Sheboigan, and they were good people.

2. Rusty Kuntz – His name is Rusty Kuntz. There are hundreds of first names his parents could have gone with to soften the blow of being a Mr. Kuntz, and Rusty is not one of them. Rusty with any last name is awful. Even a Rusty Smith would have made this list. But with Kuntz, it's beyond comprehension. Can you imagine being in high school and everyone calls you Crusty Kuntz. The fact that he didn't kill himself is amazing.

1. George Brett – Who names their kid George, when their last name is Brett? Some people...

I'd like to thank Alan Skontra for introducing me to almost all of the guys I mentioned... introduced, as in he gave me their baseball cards.