Dirrrrrty
-”Oh hula-hoop, you still got that samurai cat?”
-My brother, Joaquim. I have no idea what he was trying to say. Neither does he.
-Everyone talks about that new show, “Heroes.” I haven't seen it and probably never will. But I want to remind everyone who watches that it's only one letter from being “Herpes.” Do you still like the show? I doubt it.
-Matt Mayer and I were on the L train from Manhattan to Brooklyn last week, when a woman who was either crazy, weird or homeless, and definitely dirty, said, “You guys should make a movie out of the book, 'Girlfriend in a Coma.” I decided against it, because it's called 'Girlfriend in a Coma.' Sounds like a book with a pink cover to me. I looked it up, and this was confirmed. Maybe I could make the next “The Notebook.” Probably not. Then she told us about how it's her favorite book and we'll be hooked from the first sentence. I looked up the first sentence. “I'm Jared, a ghost.” Holy shit, am I hooked or what? I bet $14 that she has told at least 500 people that she met Steven Spieldberg and Tom Selleck, they're making a movie out of “Girlfriend in a Coma,” and she's probably going to have some input on set design.
-I just bought some True Religion jeans. I suggest you do so as well. They are the most comfortable things that have ever touched my person. Honestly, I'm surprised they're legal.
-Bryson Turner is really funny. If you're in DC, and he's on a show, watch him.
-A couple weeks ago, I talked about how awful I am at golf. At the time, I had probably played about 63 holes in my entire life, with the last round being in 2002. A few days after writing the blog, I happened to play again. Golf is fun. I didn't get to warm up, because the driving range was scrapped for condo construction, so my first swing of a club in over 4 years was off the tee on the first hole. Not surprisingly, I hit the ball about 200 yards and it landed in a pond that was nowhere near where I needed to be. I think the term is “slice.” Next shot: Hit a house. Oops. After that, I started doing pretty well though. The only other bad moments were: 1) I thought I hit from the tee to the fringe on the green on one hole. Then, as I went to chip it onto the green, I was informed that I was playing to the wrong hole. The correct hole was in a different direction, 150 yards away. 2) In the middle of the fairway on a long hole, I hit the ball really hard, and sliced it, going about 70 yards away from what I thought was the correct green. The ball curved through a small forest and landed on the edge of the green that I was supposed to be playing to... a green that I didn't even know existed. I finished with a 101 or 102, which I'm told is good for someone who doesn't play.
-I think I might have the best defense in Madden history right now. Seriously guys, savor the moment. We may never see anything like this again. Last night, in beating the Redskins 65-0, I produced the following stats that you don't care about: 8 ints (including the first three passes of the game), 12 sacks, 3 def tds, held them to 0 yards of offense, 2 forced fumbles, 212 yards for Cedric Benson, 42 fourth quarter points. Unbelievable.
- I have 11 brothers, but only had one until I was seven. This brother is almost four years older than me and pretty much used me as an ongoing science experiment (same brother that I mentioned in a previous blog, who convinced me that he was "Fall Guy," and he kidnapped my brother and put on his face.) For example, he used to get me to eat dirt, paper and one time, a balloon. I just found out yesterday that not all kids did that. He made it seem like being a dirt-eater was an ultra-cool, exclusive thing, so I ate all kinds of it... strawberry dirt, chocolate dirt, blackberry dirt, and my favorite, ice cream flavored dirt. I don't know why I'm sharing this info, but I am. I don't know why I fell for this. I could do long division in my head when I was three, but I believed that some dirt was marshmallow flavored. He might be the greatest salesman ever.
Also, the paper in black and white composition notebooks tastes like brown sugar.
I will post a power rankings tomorrow, I promise. I have to decide which one to write though. I have it narrowed to 3 subjects as of now.
Go to the Poonanza at The Warehouse Mainstage in DC on December 15th.
-My brother, Joaquim. I have no idea what he was trying to say. Neither does he.
-Everyone talks about that new show, “Heroes.” I haven't seen it and probably never will. But I want to remind everyone who watches that it's only one letter from being “Herpes.” Do you still like the show? I doubt it.
-Matt Mayer and I were on the L train from Manhattan to Brooklyn last week, when a woman who was either crazy, weird or homeless, and definitely dirty, said, “You guys should make a movie out of the book, 'Girlfriend in a Coma.” I decided against it, because it's called 'Girlfriend in a Coma.' Sounds like a book with a pink cover to me. I looked it up, and this was confirmed. Maybe I could make the next “The Notebook.” Probably not. Then she told us about how it's her favorite book and we'll be hooked from the first sentence. I looked up the first sentence. “I'm Jared, a ghost.” Holy shit, am I hooked or what? I bet $14 that she has told at least 500 people that she met Steven Spieldberg and Tom Selleck, they're making a movie out of “Girlfriend in a Coma,” and she's probably going to have some input on set design.
-I just bought some True Religion jeans. I suggest you do so as well. They are the most comfortable things that have ever touched my person. Honestly, I'm surprised they're legal.
-Bryson Turner is really funny. If you're in DC, and he's on a show, watch him.
-A couple weeks ago, I talked about how awful I am at golf. At the time, I had probably played about 63 holes in my entire life, with the last round being in 2002. A few days after writing the blog, I happened to play again. Golf is fun. I didn't get to warm up, because the driving range was scrapped for condo construction, so my first swing of a club in over 4 years was off the tee on the first hole. Not surprisingly, I hit the ball about 200 yards and it landed in a pond that was nowhere near where I needed to be. I think the term is “slice.” Next shot: Hit a house. Oops. After that, I started doing pretty well though. The only other bad moments were: 1) I thought I hit from the tee to the fringe on the green on one hole. Then, as I went to chip it onto the green, I was informed that I was playing to the wrong hole. The correct hole was in a different direction, 150 yards away. 2) In the middle of the fairway on a long hole, I hit the ball really hard, and sliced it, going about 70 yards away from what I thought was the correct green. The ball curved through a small forest and landed on the edge of the green that I was supposed to be playing to... a green that I didn't even know existed. I finished with a 101 or 102, which I'm told is good for someone who doesn't play.
-I think I might have the best defense in Madden history right now. Seriously guys, savor the moment. We may never see anything like this again. Last night, in beating the Redskins 65-0, I produced the following stats that you don't care about: 8 ints (including the first three passes of the game), 12 sacks, 3 def tds, held them to 0 yards of offense, 2 forced fumbles, 212 yards for Cedric Benson, 42 fourth quarter points. Unbelievable.
- I have 11 brothers, but only had one until I was seven. This brother is almost four years older than me and pretty much used me as an ongoing science experiment (same brother that I mentioned in a previous blog, who convinced me that he was "Fall Guy," and he kidnapped my brother and put on his face.) For example, he used to get me to eat dirt, paper and one time, a balloon. I just found out yesterday that not all kids did that. He made it seem like being a dirt-eater was an ultra-cool, exclusive thing, so I ate all kinds of it... strawberry dirt, chocolate dirt, blackberry dirt, and my favorite, ice cream flavored dirt. I don't know why I'm sharing this info, but I am. I don't know why I fell for this. I could do long division in my head when I was three, but I believed that some dirt was marshmallow flavored. He might be the greatest salesman ever.
Also, the paper in black and white composition notebooks tastes like brown sugar.
I will post a power rankings tomorrow, I promise. I have to decide which one to write though. I have it narrowed to 3 subjects as of now.
Go to the Poonanza at The Warehouse Mainstage in DC on December 15th.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 11:48 AM
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