Power Rankings and Weird Formatting problems in one blog, Oh My!

Best Horrible Songs On My iPod Power Rankings:

Before we get to the list, I want to make it clear that I own these songs because they are so bad, they're funny. I don't like them at all. Okay? It's always awkward when someone looks at my iPod, because I have so much bad music on it. So, let's make it official for the universe. I know it's bad. Don't make fun of me.

The List:
14. Superbowl Shuffle, by the 1985 Chicago Bears – I actually think this song and video are great. But it's on the list because only Bears fans would agree.

The best aspects of this song are 1) In the most confident move in sports history, it was recorded before the Superbowl. 2) The lyrics. This is the verse of my second favorite athlete of all-time, Walter Payton:
Well, they call me Sweetness,
And I like to dance.
Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance.
We've had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl chance.
And we're not doin' this
Because we're greedy.
The Bears are doin' it to feed the needy.
We didn't come here to look for trouble,
We just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Mos Def can't even write like that.

13. Cruel Summer, by Bananarama – This is an all-around awful song. Actually, any song that is talked up by Kimmy Gibbler on Full House, could make this list. But this is the only one on my iPod. My favorite thing about this song, is its video. There is nothing cruel going on. It actually looks like a fun summer. Plus, it's in London. It's in the mid 80s during the summer, in London. That's a mild summer.

12. Get Out of My Dreams, by Billy Ocean – There aren't many things that are more fun to sing than, “Get in the backseat, baby!” from this song. This song sums up 80s pop music better than any. It could only be better if it contained multiple references to dancing, phrased in variations of “catch me on the floor, girl.” Only recently did I find out that Billy Ocean is black. The next day, I found out that an 80s pop singer(I don't remember who), who I thought was black, is actually white. For some reason, I always thought Billy Ocean looked like Don Johnson in Miami Vice. What a mindfuck.

11. Everybody Dance Now, by C&C Music Factory – If you've heard this song, or seen this video, it doesn't need to be explained. One question though, why is the guy in the video so greasy? I'm glad I was never an adult at the same time that someone thought that was a good look. I would have had to kill myself in order to distance myself from the human race.

10. You Gotta Be, by Des'ree – I don't know what to say about this song or video. It's just bad. And why does she have an apostrophe in her name? She's only cutting out one letter. Put the “i” back. You're obnoxious, Desiree.

9. The Final Countdown, by Europe – This theme song from the movie, The Final Countdown, should have been the theme song to Over The Top as well. If that had happened, I think people would be talking about Over The Top today in the same way we talk about Roadhouse.
Side note: Why would a studio ever think it would be a good idea to make a movie about arm-wrestling?

8. What's Up Doc, by The FuShnickens and featuring Shaq– The saddest part of this song isn't the chorus, “Can we rock? Yeah, What's up doc,” or the lyric, “Supercalifradgilistic Shaq is alidocious.” It's the fact that the FuShnickens were Shaq's favorite rap group and he wanted to do a song with them. How could they be anyone's favorite? That's like if your favorite band today is Three Doors Down. It reminds me of the scene in The Office (UK), when Tim says, “You know the thing that bothers me most about Gareth? His favorite band of all-time is Mike and the Mechanics. 50 years of popular music and he picks Mike and the Mechanics. Mike and the Mechanics.”

7. Milkshake, by Kelis – I only have this because I used it as intro music for a show. But we can all agree that this is one of the worst popular songs of the last 10 years.

6. Don't Sleep on the Subway, by Petula Clark – This is on par with Over the Top when asked the question, why did it need to be made? I just can't imagine the moment of inspiration that would lead to this song. She falls asleep and misses her stop. “Oh, that's a song! Let's put it on wax!” I think that's what she said.

5. Rock You Like a Hurricane, by The Scorpions – Any song that contains the phrases, “Rock you” or “on the dance floor,” and is sung by a guy with a mustache like the one on my myspace page, is automatically on the list. It mentions nothing of dance floors, but two out of three is enough. This song was in the news last year when the New Orleans Saints played in Cincinnati, months after Katrina, and Cincinnati played this song as they were introduced. Poor taste.

4. Boom! Shake the Room, by Will Smith – I'm not sure, but I think this song is about loud bass. So loud, in fact, that it will shake a room. Similar to the idiocy of Petula Clark's song, Will Smith's muse was bass. Most powerful songs tend to be about the human condition, social injustices, or intense personal stories. Will Smith doesn't bother with that stuff. He gets straight to the essence of life: bass.

3. You Raise Me Up, by Josh Groban – I only have this because Rory Scovel needed me to get it for him to use for intro music, and I've never listened to the whole song. But what I've listened to sounded like the 7^th Heaven of music. That's no good.

2. She's Like the Wind, by Patrick Swayze – This is on the all-time worst soundtrack, Dirty Dancing. I don't know why anyone thought Patrick Swayze should record a song, but whatever their reasoning was, they were wrong. The lyrics and music are as corny as it gets, and the vocal melody contains 5 or 6 notes. I'm still not sure what it means to be like the wind. Does that mean she blows everything in sight?

1. Say Brah, Twerk that Thang and Hoody Hoo, by Master P – I couldn't narrow it down to one Master P song. These are awful. I'll think that Hoody Hoo is the worst, then I remember Twerk That Thang, and I think nothing could be worse, then I remember Say Brah, and I think nothing could be worse, then I remember Hoody Hoo. It's a vicious circle.
   If you aren't familiar with these songs, familiarize yourself.

Feel free to comment with bad songs on your iPod.