High Five!

I have a friend who is a comic. He does something that I think is ridiculous, but I don’t want to call him out by name, so for the sake of anonymity, we’ll call him “Danny Rouhier”, and say that his website is www.funnydanny.com . Here is what is so ridiculous about this hilarious, anonymous comic, whom I’m referring to as “Danny Rouhier:” his voicemail greeting says, “You’ve reached the voicemail of COMEDIAN Danny Rouhier…” I’ve been giving this guy shit for about a year about this in person, but he won’t change it. That’s why I’m reaching out to all of you. Email this anonymous person at danny@funnydanny.com and tell him to change it to “You’ve reached the voicemail of Danny Rouhier…” The problem with his greeting is that if someone knows him and calls him, they already know he’s a comic. And no one knows two Danny Rouhiers, so no one has to differentiate between comedian Danny Rouhier, and painter Danny Rouhier. The other problem is that if someone calls him who doesn’t know he’s a comic, it’s not like his voicemail greeting is going to get him a gig. “Oh, I didn’t know he was a comedian. I must book him A-S-A-P!” I’ve only been booked off a tape once. No one is getting booked off their voicemail greeting. Come on “Danny,” get it together.
Click on this link if you need a reason to hate gun-toting rednecks: http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/01/26/D8FCPUO8F.html
I had a basketball game yesterday in a league that I play in with several of my comic friends. We won 70-37, which is something comics like to call “a blowout.” I think that’s a term that only comics use. Anyway, about 5 minutes into the game, I got hit by an elbow in the right eye. I hit the floor. There was no foul called. I got up and had a huge knot below my eye, and blood was coming out. I looked like I fought Lennox Lewis for a very short period of time. BUT NO FOUL. There were refs, but there was no foul called. There’s a rule on playgrounds that goes, “no blood, no foul.” But if you can show blood, they give you the call. Apparently in this league you need more blood than I could provide. I ended up having to sit out the rest of the first half, trying to get the bleeding to stop.
When the second half started, I was back in, and we were up 24-18. Then vengeance began. We went on a 38-11 run and absolutely crushed them. But I have 11 brothers, so I’m way too competitive and wanted to keep stretching the lead and really embarrass the other team. At one time, we were up by 41, and I was still adamant that we don’t let the other team get even one open shot, and was really excited about doubling the other team’s score, which we didn’t do because they scored at the end. Long story short, I’m way too competitive.
Since I got the black eye, everyone likes to ask me about it. I tell them, “I got elbowed while playing basketball and winning 70-37.” Then they like to be “funny” and say “That’s not what I heard. I heard [insert random stupidity].” Because of this, from now on, my response will be, “I got into a fight with a pack of ninjas.” The other person will be like, “You got attacked by a pack of ninjas?” “No, I actually attacked them. It’s something I do now. I seek out ninjas and I attack them.”
I did an AIDS benefit show on Saturday. I’m not going to write much about it here, because I’m going to talk about it on stage. But I will tell you that it was a 4 and a half hour show, with mainly rappers, and a few comics. The rappers were horrible. This is an actual lyric from one guy: “My mom was a hustler, my pops was a hustler, so what you think that make me, mang?” It makes you an idiot.
If you get a chance to see Colin Quinn, do it. He’s awesome and an extremely nice guy.
Aus.

Brian Asselstine

I write everything offline and once I publish it, I delete the offline copy. I wrote a really good blog two days ago and planned to wait until today to publish it. When I opened it, I thought I had already published it, so I deleted it. Oops. I don’t even remember what it was about. My bad.
I get very annoyed when people have funny names, but instead of accepting that they have a bad name, they pronounce it differently. Two recent examples. A lot of people have told me their name is “Winer,” but when I see it written, it’s spelled “Weiner.” We know what your name really is. Another guy told me his last name is “Coke,” but it was written, “Kock.” Because of this, I would like to salute four baseball players from the seventies who had silly mustaches and even worse names, but pronounced them as they were written. One of the guys names wasn’t weird back then, but it is now. Ryanconnercomedy.com salutes:
Brian Asselstine
Pete LaCock
Mike Tyson
Rusty Kuntz
I didn’t make up any of those names. You can look them up.
I saw an episode of the show Beauty and the Geek. Hilarious. It’s a show where they match hot, stupid girls with smart, awkward guys, for some reason… as if they would actually want to hang out with each other. Here are my two favorite quotes:
“I’m not really good at math. When I got to third grade, and they said something about fractions, I was like, ‘forget this!’” – Some Stupid Girl
“I’m really cut and I don’t want people to be like, ‘Hey Chris, you have a really wide back. Do you work out?’ I just don’t want the attention.” – Geeky guy on why he didn’t join the rest of the group in the hot tub. It should be noted that he’s really out of shape and hairy, and was flexing in his underwear when he said this.
As part of hostage negotiations, the US has released five female Iraqi prisoners, because apparently the kidnappers didn’t feel that we were oppressing the women up to their standards.
I’ve met people who say they’re musicians. Then I ask what they play. Their response: “I spin.” That’s fancy talk for “I play records.” That’s the same thing as someone saying they are a musician because they own an iPod. You aren’t a musician. You play other people’s music. Shut up.
The showcase at the Improv on Tuesday was cool. It was jam-packed with funny comics. John Razos and Derrick Thompson tied in first. Jon Eick got third. There were a few who didn’t place who are also hilarious, with Norman Wilkerson at the top of that list. Also, guitar comic, Adam Dodd, played a song about STD’s that tore the roof off. I think it was an Osmonds cover though. Whatever, it’s the singer, not the song…
Also, Mark Ratner, Freddi Vernell, and Katherine Thompson all did a good job.
Check out the showcase next month and see Brandon Ivey tear it up. He’s relatively new to comedy in DC. If you haven’t seen him, arrange to do so. He has potential to be great.

Pictures

I realize these pictures are huge, and there's a menu running down the middle of the first one, but I couldn't rob you guys of resolution. That wouldn't be right.

Rob Cantrell at the State Theatre

The mic hand-off between Rob and I.

Adjusting the mic stand. In the foreground, you can see that the audio levels are delicious.

Telling jokes and having a Che Gueverra beard at the same time.

Telling yet another joke, while still having a beard.

This is what happens if you're in Vegas with your friends and everyone loses their money. You line up outside the hotel and pretend you're being introduced as part of a starting line-up of some sort. Did I say "you"? I meant this is what I do.

mmm... soft

The weekend was good.

Before I get into the funny, I have an announcement. Jefferson Starship will be performing at The State Theatre on January 9^th. They single-handedly built this city on rock and roll. If you go to this show, and are not doing it for the comedy factor, society will make fun of you. It’s your call though. Also at The State Theatre… Nick Swardson and Rory Scovel (one of the best in DC) on March 24^th. Nick is one of my favorite comics. He’s hilarious. You probably know him from Comedy Central Presents (2 specials), Reno 911!, Adam Sandler’s CDs, Grandma’s Boy and The Benchwarmers. Definitely get tickets. It’s going to be a great show.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned something about Ryan Adams being on Austin City Limits. That prompted someone to leave the following comment:

“Hey ryanconnorcomedy,
Thanks for mentioning me on your blog. Look out for my new DVD, Live in Lisbon. If you liked the anthology, you'll love this new DVD. Thanks again for keeping the rhythm alive!

Bryan Adams”

I really hope this is from the real Bryan Adams and he thought I was talking about him, not Ryan Adams. And I’m pretty sure it is him or someone connected to him. My reasons: 1) He called me by the name of my website, and misspelled it. 2) It’s a generic message that he probably leaves on the blogs of everyone who mentions his name. 3) If he typed his name into a blog searcher, he would get matches for “Ryan Adams” too. 4) He’s the only person aware of the fact that he released an anthology, and felt there was demand for a DVD. 5) He’s also the only person in the world who would tell anyone, “Thanks again for keeping the rhythm alive.” That’s the gayest, non-sexual thing you can ever say.

I was at the grocery store a few weeks ago doing a late night toilet paper run. Whenever I buy deodorant, toothpaste or toilet paper, I always study each product and try to get the best that’s available. Price should never matter when buying these things. In the middle of my toilet paper comparisons, a guy walked up to me holding a case of Angel Soft, and said, “You can’t beat this deal. Look at that. You buy two, you save $4. And it’s soft.” What am I supposed to do in that situation? I know that Angel Soft is crappy (no pun intended) toilet paper. If that’s how angels feel, I’m going to start petitioning for hell today [rimshot]. But he’s told me I have to get it. I don’t want to tell him that I’m probably going to go with the Cottonelle, because then he’s going to want to argue over which is better. I don’t want that to happen ever, because you can’t argue about toilet paper with talking about wiping, and I don’t want to hear some random guy’s wiping stories. So, I said, “Oh yeah, that sounds good.” Then he handed me a case of the Angel Soft and I started to walk to the register with it. Once he was out of site, I ran back and switched it with the Cottonelle, and thought I was making a clean getaway. Then, as I was paying, I looked up and he was two lanes over from me, staring, and shaking his head because he couldn’t believe that I passed up the deal of the century.

Don’t tell people what toilet paper they should get.

The Bulls finally appear to be getting it together. Tyson Chandler’s poor play has been the reason for them being mediocre this year, but he seems to have finally turned the corner. Here is a quote from him about his struggles: "It does get hard. That's when you show what you're made of. Like Joe Dirt said, 'Keep on keeping on.'" Anyone who quotes Joe Dirt, is okay in my book. And people who shorten “okay” to “ok” are not okay in my book. It’s only two more letters. Just type them. Pet peeve.

Halftime Shows

I have been sick this week. If you're worried about me, don't be. I feel a lot better now. I'm not at 100% yet, but hovering around 90%, which is fine because I won the World's Strongest Man Competion at 85%.
In my previous entry about Baltimore, I forgot to mention that the Iron Sheik came to my Saturday 9PM show. Yes, that Iron Sheik. I called my friend Al, who knows everything, to tell him about it. After the initial disbelief, he replied, “Well I knew he lived in the Baltimore area. He’s a parole officer or something like that.” How did he know that?

Anyway, during the show, I made a reference to his finishing move, The Camel Clutch. I was hoping that it would please him so much that he would offer to give me one of his old boots or something. But I was too scared to look at him when I said it. I did look at him at other times during my set and I can confidently say the Sheik likes my shit. I wanted to get a picture with him after the show, but I have to admit that I was too scared to approach him. He was a bad guy in wrestling, so in the back of my mind I thought he would be nice to me, just to get me away from my friends. Then, once no one was around, Nikita Kollof would come out of nowhere and hit me with the Russian Sickle, and when I went down, the Sheik would lock in the Camel Clutch. Yes, all of that went through my mind when I was on stage.

I went to the Wizards’ game on Monday. I always have fun at the games, but the halftime show is always terrible, except when they had New Edition. Here are the worst three, starting with Monday’s game:

1. In honor of Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday, they had a crappy marching band. MLK would have been proud. They sounded horrible. A marching band is supposed to have military-like discipline too. These people were just milling about the court… some marching, some walking, and some just standing in place. Also, normally a marching band will have a drum major, who conducts the band. They did have a drum major, but instead of conducting, he danced like Andre 3000, and at one time, I swear he started Crip-Walking.

2. This is one that I have proof of at least three halftime appearances. I saw them first with my friend Craig. Then he called me when he was at a game the following year to tell me they were back. And again, last year, another friend texted me from a game to tell me it was the worst halftime show ever, after I had told them about it. Here’s what they do: It’s a husband-wife tandem, and they change clothes REAL FAST. That’s it. They walk around the court, get behind a curtain or something, and change into a new outfit in only a couple seconds. HALFTIME IS FIFTEEN MINUTES! Can you imagine fifteen minutes of that? It’s the worst. The scary thing is that about half of the arena enjoyed it when I was there.

3. I like to call this halftime show, “Booking Error.” Someone had to lose a bet or something to make this happen. My brother, Allen, and I were at the game. We were ready for a crappy halftime show. 70% of the time it’s acrobats, which are boring, but I can’t do flips, so I think it’s cool to see people who can.

The PA guy announced the show. It was two brothers, whom we’ll call Hans and Lars. They came out dressed like He-Man would dress if he were around today. Then they started doing Cirque du Soleil type stuff. No flips or anything, just contortions, balance, lifting each other, etc… The thing that made it awkward is that every move they made ended with one of their crotches on the other one’s face. Not near the face. ON the face. Not only was it extremely gay, but also incestuous. The entire crowd was groaning the whole time. But no one could stop watching. It was one of the world’s great mysteries.

I hate Jake Delhomme so much.

Read This!!!

I had a great weekend featuring at the Baltimore Comedy Factory with Rob Cantrell and Alicia Gomes. Five of the seven shows sold-out and the crowds were near perfect. Most of the time, you do a show, and you think it was just okay, but could have been a lot better. But these crowds left little to be desired. Thank you Baltimore.

In addition to the shows, I went to McDonald’s with Frank Hong after one of my sets. I’d be lying if I said this McDonald’s wasn’t sketchy, but you’d think they would be able to press buttons that correspond with what you order. Wrong. I ordered the Chicken McNuggets. Nothing else on the menu sounds similar to Chicken McNuggets. After waiting for a few minutes, they handed me a bag. I asked for Sweet and Sour Sauce. The girl looked at me like I just asked for lighter fluid to put on my pancakes, and reluctantly handed me one sauce packet. I asked for two, since it was 10 nuggets. I said the words “10 nuggets.” She told me it’s 10 cents for another packet. Guess who had exact change? End of transaction. We then brought our food back to the club. I opened my bag, reached for the nuggets. There were no nuggets. Instead, they gave me a fish sandwich. How do you mess that up? Retardation, that’s how. There are no similarities there. How could she not be tipped off by my sauce requests, and even mentioning “10 nuggets”? Because she never learned to read good.

Baltimore.

I say that instead of overturning Roe vs. Wade, we pass another law that says you can abort someone who gives you a fish sandwich when you order chicken nuggets, as long as they are under 40 years old and aren’t legitimately retarded. There will be no killing of actual retarded people under my plan. Let’s get that straight.

I revisited McDonald’s the next night and noticed that on the menu, they give you the option to add an additional fish patty to the fish sandwich for only a dollar. That is disgusting. Two deep-fried patties of artificial fish product, topped off by a piece of yellow matter that they call “American Cheese,” but I will always refer to as “yellow matter.” Cheese doesn’t taste like that. I’ve had cheese.

I didn’t shave for about two weeks until one day last week. My facial hair is patchy and my hair is blonde, which prompted the following comments from random people:

“You look like an indie-rocker.”

“ I want to you to do me in the face.”

“You look like Che Gueverra.”

I thought the first and third comments were fine. But the second? I’m not a piece of meat, ladies.

The funny thing about a blonde beard is that it’s like a 3-d picture. You have no idea what’s going on from far away but once you get up close, you’re like, “I think it’s supposed to be a beard. I can’t tell though because it’s skin color. I want him to do me in the face.”

Jay Hastings and I went to Freddie’s Beach Bar in Crystal City to do the open mic tonight. I had never been there before. It’s not just a gay bar. It’s an extremely-gay bar… flamingos, rainbows, Liza Manelli murals, etc… We got there at eight, when it was supposed to be starting. The doors were locked. It was closed. They closed for the Golden Globes. Can we say “stereotype”?

Then Jay and I went to Soho’s open mic. It was packed with people who were too cool to laugh. I seriously hated everyone in that room with a passion, except for the comics, and Zedge and Evan, who work there. They go to comedy shows and refuse to laugh just to be ironic. They refuse to listen to music unless it’s by a band with a name like “Soliloquy’s Conscience,” “The Last Devestation,” “Elroy Jetson and the Muts” or “Madonna.”

Baltimore Comedy Factory 1/12-1/13

Come see Rob Cantrell ( www.robcantrell.com ) , Alicia Gomes ( www.farts.com ) and I.
I think tickets are $15. You can get info at www.baltimorecomedy.com

Let's keep it superficial

If you are in NY, or know people there, tell them to go to Caroline’s on Broadway on February 8. I’ll be performing on the 7:30 show.

I’ve been a huge Bulls fan for about 20 years now. I watch every game on League Pass. And for the past two years, the broadcast crew has been doing something that is ridiculous. At the end of every game, this is said: “We would like to congratulate Kirk Hinrich (or any player) on being the Bulls’ player of the game. For that, he wins a $100 SEARS gift card.” They aren’t even joking about this. No one on the team makes less than a million dollars a year, and they’re giving them a $100 gift certificate… to SEARS? I don’t even shop at SEARS. Why would a millionaire shop there? Like they’re really struggling to find their Docker’s at an affordable price, because retail is just too much. To put it in perspective, that would be like giving you or I a two cent coupon that can only be used towards the purchase of a block of government cheese.

This section is called “Hey, Bank Teller, Just Do Your Job”

I always go to the Bank of America at 18^th and I St.(That’s right. The Bank of America is also the Bank of Ryan. I love my country.) I refuse to deposit checks via ATM. I know thousands of people do it everyday, but I can’t help but think it’s a scam and someone’s going to take my check, cash it, and pretend it never existed. So, I always go to the human tellers. Most are normal people. They ask how I’m doing. I tell them I’m doing well and send the same question right back. They usually tell me they’re doing well too. But not the guy at the end! He doesn’t understand the protocol. Here’s how it has gone down twice:

Him: Hi. How are you?

Me: Pretty good, and you?

Him: Could be better, but that’s life… I guess I’ll be better when I get home.

Me: Okay

[Transaction takes place and he gives me a receipt]

Him: Enjoy (as if he’s telling me to enjoy money because the bank is making him work for free. They’re a bank. That’s all they have for compensation. Don’t say “Enjoy” to me ever again. You see my checks. There isn’t much to enjoy. How about saying, “Have fun stretching that out over two weeks.”)

That was a long parenthetical.

Also, “Could be better, but that’s life”? Let’s keep it superficial. There’s no need to open up to me.

Here are a couple links that I found interesting.

This is from the Drudge Report. I like his site, because it’s a good link page. But whenever he decides to break any news, 99% of the time, it’s garbage. It isn’t necessarily fabricated, but it’s never anything that matters. This is a good example. Ted Kennedy was pressing Alito concerning an organization to which he was affiliated that opposed allowing women into “private institutions.” I think it’s ridiculous to insinuate that Alito is sexist, but Drudge (and the Washington Times, if they decided to run the story) topped Kennedy as he tried to call him out for being a hypocrite. In this post, Drudge quotes “Conservative activists,” which is usually code for “I made this up.” It says that Kennedy belonged to “an all-male social club -- the Owl -- at Harvard University.” An all-male social club? Ohh, you mean like a fraternity? I don’t think that’s the same as oppressing women. I’m not saying fraternities are doing anything positive for women, but they definitely aren’t opposed to them joining private organizations. If that was the case, they couldn’t have mixers.

http://www.drudgereport.com/flash6.htm

This is interesting too, mainly because the title is such a curveball.

http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,635175667,00.html

Entertainment

I have an actual blog entry that I'll probably do tonight. Early forecasts say it could be one of the most average blog entries of all time.
In the meantime, here are some pictures of me doing non-comedy related things. Enjoy.
This is a picture of me with my favorite Spanish chainmail salesperson. Her name is Conchita and she has a shop in Toledo, Espana. The stuff is all handmade, heavy, and really stands up in battle. I go to her whenever I need any type of armor. Click here

On the streets of Toledo, it's a necessity to have your armor on at all times. You never know when a Vega or a wandering Shogun is going to attack. This isn't a battle shot though. Someone asked me how to get to Conchita's shop, so I'm pointing them in the right direction. Click here

This is me at the running of the bulls in Pamplona. The year was 2002, and it was a magical year. In this picture, I'm standing with my old friend, Spanish Box-head Man. In the picture, I'm wearing a scarf, which is the custom at the running of the bulls. But notice that I said "NO" to the red sasche. Spanish Box-head Man is wacky. Click here

Closing out the international portion of this blog entry, here is a picture of my uncle and I on a ship in Bermuda. This picture was inspired by the movie Titanic and a rainbow. I felt so safe up there. Click here

Here is a picture of me dunking. It was the first day I realized that I could dunk, but probably about the fifth dunk of the day, because it took a few minutes before I realized I had a camera in the car. It wasn't a clean dunk, meaning there was a little rim contact, but here it is anyway. I know there is nothing funny about this, but I feel like being able to dunk gets people the same level of respect they would get if they killed someone. Fear me and the one-handed tomahawk.
Click here

This is a picture of my friend Mike and I in college. It was our sophomore year and we were playing a little game that we liked to call, "Police Academy Graduates." We would put on these outfits and go to bars and batting cages, hang out, and talk about "Training at the academy." Although it isn't the case in the picture, normally we would keep our shirts unbuttoned, even though they were tucked in. Michael Korrs would have a heart-attack. Click here

Medieval on yo' ass

Medieval Times…

I went there last week. It was pretty cool, and I recommend it to everyone who is a human. It had WWF style drama, swords, wenches, a princess and a falcon.

-We took a bus from DC to the “arena” in Baltimore. On the bus, the bus driver instinctively put in Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood. It was pretty good, but I would have preferred more Leprechaun and less Hood. Fun fact: the leprechaun was played by Willow. I have five dollars that says that everyone, including his own mother, haven’t called him by his real name since he played Willow. He probably even wears his Willow costume everywhere. I know I would.

-The show started when these people rode out on horses and started saying some stuff in olde English about needing a new top knight (World Champion) or something like that. The Mean Gene character was pretty good, except I came back to reality when he said, “…the kingdom must find a replacement. And that replacement must be worthy of representing His Majesty. Also, we remind you that The Medieval Times is a non-smoking facility...”

-At one point, all of the knights and squires (managers) were in the arena, yelling at each other over who was going to win the 6-way battle (King of the Ring). Then the announcer said, “They can’t decide how to settle this matter. [to the crowd] How do you think we should settle this matter?” Then a lot of people from the crowd started yelling, “Fight for it!” as if there was a diplomatic alternative. There would have been a riot if they had decided to talk it through. “Let’s just give the yellow knight a chance. He’s a good knight and he tries real hard.” Other knights: “He’s right. Let’s give it to the yellow knight. TEAM HIGH FIVE!”

-Before the battle commenced, they had a five minute period of horse dancing. This consisted of dancing horses. It was probably the most unentertaining thing ever. I hate the idea of people dancing, so don’t get your horses to join in if I’m around. I hate horses just as much as dancing. Bad move, Medieval Times

-There was a woman who carried a falcon around (Koko B. Ware). She was a “Master Falconer.” She really didn’t do anything other than command her falcon. I like that. If anyone has info on becoming a falconer, send it on over: ryanconner@gmail.com

-During a battle between the Blue Knight (my section’s knight), the Brett Hart of the event, and the White Knight, the Paul Orndorff, a girl in my section yelled, “Chop off his head!!!” I wanted to tell her that it isn’t that serious, but I was scared.

-The same battle had a great ending. Both knights got knocked out. They were on their backs. The crowd was doing the 10 count. Orndorff started hulking up, and attacked Brett Hart just as he was getting up. Then Brett went on the offensive, but it wasn’t enough. The match was won when Paul Ordorff did a sunset flip (Hacksaw Jim Dugan) to Brett, and as soon as Brett hit the ground, he stabbed him.

-During one of the other matches, someone got kicked really hard in the face.

-I don’t know if it’s worse that I’ve included so many WWF parallels, or that I had so much fun at Medieval Times.

I had a lot more non-Medieval Times stuff to talk about, but I accidentally deleted them… my bad.

At Least The Scarecrow Wanted A Brain aka the bathrooms in hell don't have doors…

Dear Blog,

Yesterday was eventful. I’ll have to write about Medieval Times later, because there was a lot to write about there. But, last night… wow.

First, something interesting happened in the morning. I brought Rob Cantrell to DC 101, where he was a guest on Elliot in the Morning - I’m opening for him at the State Theatre tomorrow and The Baltimore Comedy Factory next week. Rob was telling a story about hanging out with Tracy Morgan in which they went to a club where they ran into DJ Clue. Elliot didn’t know who he is, so he asked me. I told him I know who he is. He asked how I know of him. I told him my best friend is a producer, plus DJ Clue has had two TV shows. Then Elliott said, “You’re such a wigger.” It was a joke, clearly, as not even racists have used that word since 1994. It was a verbal throwback, just like the jerseys that Wafrican-Americans (PC version of Wigger) wear. I bring this up because several people called me yesterday about that, and I just wanted to clear it up. It was a silly joke, and I hope it doesn’t affect my standing as one of America’s foremost Winks, Wics, Wikes or Wooks.

And… onto last night…

I did a show in Manassas, VA, which I had always thought got a bad rap for being full of dumb people, especially rednecks. I still think they get a bad rap, because most of the people are normal, just like everywhere else, but the dumb people congregate and bring down the image of the entire community, mainly because dumb people talk louder than everyone else, which is weird, but I accept it.

The show was at a place called KC’s Restaurant. Comedian Alex Scott booked it. He’s a really good comic and an extremely nice guy. Also on the show was Eddie Bryant, who is a comic from DC that I really enjoy watching. On top of being funny, his personal material is really interesting. Jay Hastings rode with me to the show because he’s new to the comedy scene and had never been to this type of show before. Alex offered him a spot on the show too, which I think they both now regret.

Here are some events that took place, some out of chronological order:

-20 borderline retarded people came to KC’s Restaurant to see a comedy show.

-If the UN was there, they would have declared it a humanitarian crisis.

-When I got there, I need to go number two. I went to the bathroom and they didn’t have doors on the stalls because they had been ripped off at the fine establishment. I would like to point out that even the bathrooms in “Lean on Me” had stall doors, even though the outside doors were chained shut. So, I had to get Jay to guard the stall while I shat, because the stall was right in front of the entrance door.

-Show started.

-Jay struggled and you can read his account of the show at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=13120790

-I got to choose my entrance music, and I chose a 3-6 Mafia song, because it’s so hardcore, it’s ridiculous. Then I stood on stage and listened to it for about 10 seconds before I started talking. Then I told the crowd that I write all of the lyrics for 3-6 Mafia. They didn’t laugh, because they knew the name of the person who actually writes their lyrics.

-Alex Scott asked someone in the crowd where they were from. The person gave an address and the crowd started laughing really hard. You’re probably thinking, “But what’s so funny about an address?” It was the address of the county jail. It was funny to them because she admitted that. It was funny to me because everyone in the crowd knew the address of the county jail. These were genuine idiots we were dealing with.

-Most shows charge an admission fee or cover. This show’s cover was a report card in which you failed Special Ed, or if you didn’t have that, you could supply a receipt from a bail bondsman, but it couldn’t be more than 14 days old, because that would be enough time to reform, and they didn’t want the reformed criminals.

-I have a joke in which I use the word “bosom.” That part of the joke normally gets a pretty big laugh. Last night it got nothing. So, I paused, then said, “Oh yeah, bosom is slang for titties,” which prompted someone to yell out, “Oh, no he didn’t.” Yes I did.

-I did my joke about getting towed at Taco Bell. The joke contains an analogy. When I said “analogy,” someone in the crowd yelled, “What the fuck is an amalogies?”

-I’m not making any of this up.

-I have a joke about the Truth anti-smoking commercials. It’s my easiest joke to get, except the very end does require a little thought. These people couldn’t even figure out why a commercial whose message is “Smoke Camel Lights and you’ll shit money,” would be a pro-smoking commercial.

-I have a joke about the war on drugs. It’s very funny, and has to do with the stats that are used to justify the war on drugs. The beginning of it got a great response, which made me think they weren’t as dumb as I initially thought. Then I realized that they didn’t get the joke at all. They were just laughing because I said the word “crack.” Laughing at it is a defense mechanism that crackheads use. I didn’t bother to finish the joke because you have to use algebra to get the end of it.

-White people be trippin’.

-When I was there, I felt like I had hit a time warp to nineteen seventy-stupid.

-I have a joke about how it’s awkward to try to pick up a girl in the middle of the night at a grocery store if you’re there to buy only one item and that item is a plunger. They didn’t understand why it would be awkward. I think babies understand that joke.

-I have a joke about old school rap versus new stuff, more specifically Kurtis Blow vs. DMX. If you don’t know this joke, you aren’t going to know what I’m talking about… I said the Kurtis Blow part and got stares. It was like they were all thinking, “Now, I seen alld of Kurtis Blow’s videos, and I ain’t seen no elephant, and I sho’ as hell ain’t seen no tricycles.” Then I quoted a DMX song as an example of how unrealistic the lyrics are that everyone says is so “real.” The crowd missed the point of the joke and started shouting things like, “That’s NASTY!” “You shouldn’t be sayin’ that mess!” So I told them it’s a DMX line. I didn’t write it. Remember, I write for 3-6 Mafia, not DMX. Then a woman yelled out, “He do not write for no 3-6.”

-Still not making any of this up.

-I have a joke in which I use the word “overindulgent.” On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have used that word and substituted, “too much,” or better yet, “black people don’t go swimmin’… but white people do…”

-Have I mentioned the crowd was dumb and wanted to hear nothing but negative stereotypes? This crowd was the manifestation of every negative stereotype ever… bragging about not paying child support, going to jail, being ignorant, etcetera… They combined to form the Captain Planet of ignorance.

-I’m not exaggerating when I say that these people weren’t smart enough to get Larry the Cable Guy. They would have to ask him to stop every 10 seconds so they could reference a dictionary. Then they would remember that they never did learn “they ABCs.” “But Larry the Cable Guy sho’ do look funny, so I’m gonna laugh anyway.”

-The cherry on top of the shit sundae was when a guy, who was black, came up after the show and said to me and Jay, “Why didn’t you all do some Hank Williams jokes, or some redneck jokes or something? [Points to Alex and Eddie] They did jokes about [black people]. Why didn’t you talk about white people.” We ignored him. But I wanted to tell him that I didn’t do that because I don’t think skin pigment has anything to do who a person is, and whenever someone suggests that it does, it’s a huge step back all people. Jay’s response was, “He could have at least said Hank Williams Jr.” Then we left.

E'ry body in DA CLUB get tipsy

I mentioned the Ryan Conner Book and Media Club a few weeks ago, but never put the page up. I’m not going to do it today either, but here’s the deal with “DA CLUB (to be read with a lot of echo in your voice),” as it will be referred to from now on.

Two of the last five books I’ve read were William Faulkner’s “As I Lay Dying” and Gabriel Garcia-Marquez’s “One Hundred Years of Solitude.” Both are considered great books, so I decided to read them. I enjoyed both, but I noticed something in Barnes and Noble shortly after I read Faulkner and while in the process of reading Garcia-Marquez… they are both part of Oprah’s book club. How did these books get into the Oprah book club? One was published in the 30s, the other the 60s. Both authors won the Nobel Prize for Literature. I don’t think they need Oprah’s help. That’s like if she decided to officially endorse apple pie. We all know it’s good, and it’s been around for years. Don’t take credit for it.

So, the point of DA CLUB is to recommend books, albums and movies that might be lesser known. It’s going to have a funny twist to it. But, the main point of DA CLUB is so that if you or I read, watch or listen to something and someone comes up and says, “That’s part of the Oprah book/music/movie club,” you can tell them it’s also a part of DA CLUB. Then say, “So don’t get it twisted.” If you say that to an Oprah fan, you’re going to confuse them to the point that they’ll walk away and the conversation will be over. So, in closing, this club will allow you and I to avoid all future conversations with Oprah fans.

If you want to see some great music and don’t mind spending $65, Isaac Hayes will be at the Birchmere in Arlington on 1/12. Seriously, you should go to this show. I’m tempted, but I’m not going to make him part of DA CLUB because he’s been around for 40 years.

If you live in NY, go to the Sigur Ros concert at Madison Square Garden Theatre on 2/9. They are card-carrying members of DA CLUB.

Coming tomorrow…

Medieval times

Ms. King cobra

Bank teller

January Shows

I haven’t updated my site in a while and haven’t done much of the ol’ blogging lately, but I’m trying to get back into it. I plan on writing a blog entry about something tonight. In the meantime, here is some info on upcoming shows of mine:

January:

5 – KC’s Restaurant (right next to PW County Jail) 9:00 PM - 9550 Center St. Manassas,Va – this show is going to be hot. Hopefully KC will bring his Sunshine Band.

7 – The State Theatre in Falls Church, VA with Rob Cantrell @ 9PM www.thestatetheatre.com – DON’T MISS THIS SHOW IF YOU’RE in VA or DC

12-14 – Continuation of the Metaphysical Graffiti Mini-Tour with Rob Cantrell at the Baltimore Comedy Factory – www.baltimorecomedy.com – DON’T MISS THESE IF YOU LIVE IN MD

17 – Satellite at The Warehouse Next Door (7^th St. NW) go here for info: http://www.dccomedyfest.com/ This is a stand-up a sketch show with the sketch group of which I’m a member.

19 – Topaz Hotel – It’s a regular weekly open mic that I do all the time, but I’m listing it here because there are supposed to be important people at the show, and I’ve been instructed to “bring the goods.” Located in DuPont Circle… @ 8PM

21 – Ryan Adams is on Austin City Limits. That’s just a reminder for me.

28 – Some type of comedy/variety show at Montgomery College or Community College or something… it benefits Katrina victims or kids with cystic fibrosis or something.

29 – 955 Club in Richmond… it’s next to University of Richmond… details at www.955comedy.com