Ricky Henderson hit 200 homeruns in one season?

I take back everything I wrote below about the t-shirts. I like them. The guy did a great job in a short amount of time. I'm going to leave up what I wrote because, although it's blown way out of proportion, I find it entertaining.

Parts of this are a little jumbled. I was tired when I wrote it...

I have given in, only two years into doing comedy, and am now doing something I’ve sworn to never do. I’m selling merchandise after club shows. No CDs. I still refuse to do that unless I’m headlining and have a legit CD. But I will be selling a t-shirt. I’ve always thought that selling things after shows is extremely cheesy and makes your set seem like it was just a commercial for a t-shirt, or in one case, a shot glass. I’m big on integrity, and I’ve always felt that hawking merchandise compromises the integrity of the comedy. My mind was recently changed. A couple friends of mine are making a killing off t-shirts, and I need to stack some money so I can hurry and move to NY. But, that wasn’t enough for me to start selling them because I still thought it was cheesy. A lot of comics that I like, and every band I know of, sells t-shirts, but don’t mention it onstage. So, my rule is that as long as I don’t announce that I will be selling t-shirts during my set, it won’t cheapen the comedy. That’s the rule.
It was last Friday that I decided to do this. I wanted them by this Wednesday so I would have them for my week at the DC Improv. So, I had a guy in Richmond rush them for me. The shirt design is simple; two words and a number on the front, and my website really small on the back… really small… I can’t stress how small I wanted it. So, I sent the design to the guy, and told him that I wanted navy shirts with white lettering. He said that would take about a week, but he could do black lettering on a white t-shirt by Monday (today). Black on white doesn’t look as good, but it is kind of a retro look, so I went for that. I only ordered 50 because I didn’t know how many I would sell, and I wanted to see what this guy would make for me. I would also like to point out that I sent him a picture of exactly what I wanted. The dimensions were there and everything. If someone says exactly half an inch, you can’t mess that up, right?
At 6PM, my friend Quincy and I set out for a trip to Richmond to pick up the shirts. On our way, we stopped at a Roy Rogers. I was really excited about Roy Rogers because they have a great roast beef sandwich. But when we got inside, I looked at the menu and couldn’t find it. Apparently they stopped selling them two years ago. Oops. I ordered a burger instead. The girl asked what I wanted on it. I said ketchup, mustard and tomato. She said, “I can give you packets for the ketchup and mustard.”
“You can’t just put it on there?”
“No.”
“Does it come with a sauce or something?” I was thinking it had a crazy new sauce.
“It comes with mayonnaise.”
I hesitated, then responded, “Please don’t put mayonnaise on my sandwich.”
That’s not a sauce, or an acceptable burger spread. It’s a disgusting idea, and if you do it, I’m reporting you to the government for suspected witchcraft.
I still could not understand why they couldn’t put ketchup or mustard on my burger, but came to accept it because I was in Stafford and I don’t understand about 60% of the things that go on there.
As Quincy and I were waiting, I noticed that the cashier’s shirt said, “2 Thick.” I pointed it out to Quincy, and we couldn’t stop laughing. The whole staff was wearing them. I guess it’s a reference to a “Thickburger” they serve, but come on… I agree that sex sells for most products, but if a cashier with 6 teeth and 8 chins is wearing a shirt that says “2 Thick,” it might have an adverse effect. I’m just sayin’.
Back to the road…
I called the guy to tell him we would be about twenty minutes late. He talks a lot like Boomhauer from King of the Hill, so I’m not sure what he said, but I think he was okay with it.
We arrived around 8:25. The guy walked up to us. He looked exactly like Cooter, from The Dukes of Hazard (scroll to the bottom for my Dukes of Hazard evaluation). I have no idea what he said to us. He brought us into his store, which contained a lot of Confederate memorabilia. I was really uncomfortable. If I were in Quincy’s (who is black) position, I would hate me right now.
He pointed to my box of shirts… they weren’t what I ordered. I couldn’t believe it. It looked like a Cub Scout’s project. The words on the front had been ironed on, so there is a slightly discolored outline of the words. Then I turned it over and my website is HUGE. I wanted it to be like the bottom line on the vision test chart, but it’s like the third one from the top. So, I wasn’t comfortable with the quality or the layout of the shirt. But, I was even less comfortable about standing in front of 50 Confederate flags. I’m not saying he’s racist, but stuff like that really creeps me out. That’s worse than having a sign that says, “Whites only,” but for some reason people think it’s acceptable. Anyway, I thanked him and left.
In retrospect, considering that this is the guy’s website ( www.colorimagery.com ), I probably shouldn’t have trusted him on anything that’s visual oriented. Seriously, check out the site. It’s amazing.
In the car, Quincy and I talked it over… we were a little over-the-top about it. After seeing them at home, I see that they’re not terrible. They look like something someone would buy from Goodwill and receive high-fives from friends for doing so. Since that’s not what I was going for, I think I will try to return them. But if I do sell them, Quincy and I decided that I should pitch them as washcloths, dipstick cleaners, tourniquets or friend eliminators. Another option is to sell them as if they are defects. There are only 50 of them too. Maybe I could create a high demand because they’re so rare. They would be like baseball error cards. The card that says Ricky Henderson hit 200 homeruns in 1985 is wrong, but it’s more valuable than the correct one. We had other ideas too, but I forgot them. How about if you just buy one?
If I get another batch, I already found another supplier and they will be nice. If you get one of the current ones and later decide that you don’t like it, I’ll send you one of the nice ones for free. We’ll be working on the honor code.
-The Dukes of Hazard… I watched it when I was little. I didn’t understand what the show was about at the time. I just liked car chases. Now I know that the show is about a family of bootleggers who evade the police, while driving a car that has a Confederate flag on it. Why was this show aimed toward kids? I don’t get it. They’re selling illegal liquor. What about that says “kid’s show”? That’s like having a show about a crack dealer who runs from the police and has a hot cousin that wears shirts that says “2 Thick.” Not child-friendly.
-I have a lot to write about from the weekend, but I’m tired now, so it must wait. Here’s a sample:
I opened for a guy in Pennsylvania this weekend, who told the following joke onstage. “Did you hear about the guy who o-d’d on toad? Yeah, he croaked.” I opened for that guy. More to come…
Please buy a t-shirt.

Hard Times

I’ve been away for a few days… updates:
-I’ll be at the Improv, March 1-5 with Bill Burr. If you’ve never seen him, get tickets. He really is phenomenal… much like how On Tap Magazine described me as a “phenom.” I make sure to call myself “The Phenom” about five times a day now. It helps me make friends.

-For NBA fans only:
I hate the Knicks with a deep, deep passion. I’m a hard-core Bulls fan, so it is justified. And, although I hate them so much, I can’t help but feel sorry for them. Their GM, Isaiah Thomas, is wrecking what could have been a solid team. He’s made a lot of questionable moves, including giving away practically every draft pick for the next 60 years, but the worst was made last night when he traded for Steve Francis. Francis’ nickname is “Stevie Franchise.” Scottie Pippen ripped him on his NBA.com blog, questioning what type of franchise he’s referring to. He, my friend Al, and I all believe that he’s put together a team of trememdously talented individuals, but they aren’t team players or winners. It’s like he’s put together a fantasy team. Fantasy teams don’t work in real life. That's why anyone can have a fantasy team, and only 32 people can have an NBA team. It’s hard to put together a roster that works.
I wish the Knicks would fire Isaiah, because if things keep getting worse, my hate for them will look totally out of line. That’s right… I want them to fire their GM, so I can still hate them. It makes sense to me.

-I’ve touched on this before, but it’s time to get re-touched. I really hate it when people reference a movie or a TV show that I’m not familiar with, and instead of letting it go, they explain the movie to me.
Example:
Me: Do you know Jeremy?
You: Yeah… Jeremy reminds me of Damon Wayans’ character in Major Payne.
Me: I’ve never seen that movie.
You: Well, Damon Wayans plays a guy who is a Major in the Army. He has some type of discipline problem… or maybe he retires… I don’t remember… So, anyway, he ends up being a drill sergeant or whatever at a private academy, which I think is in Virginia. There’s kid named Tiger in the movie. He pees in his pants, and they all make fun of him. That’s funny in Billy Madison when the kid pees in his pants… Anyway, Karen Parsons, you know, Hilary from Fresh Prince, is in it. She’s really hot too. The kids are always messing with Major Payne, because he’s a Major Payne in the ass, GET IT???? One time they gave him a bunch of ex-lax. Another time they sent Bam Bam Bigelow to fight him. In the end everything works out though. And he really reminds me of Jeremy.
Me: Way to stick with “Plan A” when I told you I haven’t seen the movie. We’re no longer friends.
If you are one of the people who do this, please stop. You are giving a lot of people anger issues.

-I got official headshots last Friday. A guy named Michael Woodward did them. If you’re in the DC area and need headshots, he’s your guy. I haven’t decided which one to use, but I did post a finalist on my myspace page.
He did a great job, but I hate being photographed anywhere. Studios are awkward no matter what. It’s so unnatural. “Look at me… tilt your head down… bring your right shoulder towards me…look up… don’t laugh…look natural…” Nothing about that is natural. When has anyone ever stood like that in a social situation? Never. "Craig, turn your shoulder to the right...lower your chin...because that's how you stand... now look at me..." It's awkward.
I find it even more annoying in social situations. Restaurants are the worst. What is the point of that picture? “This is James and I. We’re having a nice bisque.” Who cares?
It’s even worse at parties. “I know we’re having a lot of fun, but let’s completely destroy the moment and pose for a picture, while pretending that I didn't kill the fun. Come on guys, act like I didn’t ruin the night.”
-I was riding with a friend tonight when I was reminded of an old story.
I have eleven brothers. For a while, when I was little, there were only two us. The year was 1985 or 1986. I was 5 or 6 years old. My brother Brent was 8, 9 or 10. We were both really into a show called “Fall Guy.” He liked it because he actually liked it. I liked it because it was my brother’s favorite show. I don’t think I ever really knew what it was about though.
We used to always get into characters and pretend we were in TV shows, with G.I. Joe being the most frequent game (I was always Chuckles or Snake Eyes). But I didn’t know how to play Fall Guy because I didn’t understand the show. So, one summer day, Brent went outside for a few minutes, then came back in.
“Brent, what are you doing?”
“Brent? Who is Brent?”
“You are.”
“Are you talking about that kid I killed? I’m Fall Guy.”
“What? What are you talking about, Brent? I don’t like this game.”
“Game? It’s not a game. You may be my next victim if you don’t do what I say…”
Of course I knew it was Brent. He tried telling me that he got plastic surgery to look just like Brent, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew it was him. But he never gave in! This day convinced me that Brent could have been a great child actor, because he stayed in character for about four hours, scaring the absolute shit out of me, and making me think that he had to be Fall Guy. Why would Brent stay in character that long? G.I. Joe never went on for more than an hour. But, he had me doing chores for him all day. My mom would call. “We’re doing fine. I’m just hanging out with Fall Guy. Yeah, Fall Guy from TV. No, Brent isn’t here… just me and Fall Guy.” This went on all day, until about 30 minutes before my mom was to come home. At that time, he looked at me and said, “You better not tell anyone I was here.” Then he left.
About five minutes later, he walked back in as Brent and acted like none of it ever happened.
-I’m addicted to Hard Times’ chili, and today they were giving out a free bowl of chili with the purchase of anything in honor of National Chili Day. 1) Whichever president started National Chili Day should have his name wiped from the record books. I don’t care how slow the day is, it’s never slow enough for the president or congress to focus on chili. 2) I thought I was the only person aware of said promotion. I was wrong. I went with five other comics and there were 14 parties ahead of us. Come on Hard Times, did you have to tell everyone?
-This was in the news a few years ago, and I couldn’t believe it was ever accepted. For some reason, it caused no uproar at all. Finally, they’ve put a stop to it. Check out the link.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/02/23/abstinence.suit.ap/index.html
-If you order sushi that contains “spicy salmon,” try to remember that a Japanese person’s definition of “spicy” is much different than your mother’s. Your mouth will burn for hours.

This one is long and creepy

What you are about to read is somewhat “fucked up.” It is also “awesome.” Most of you already know that there is a female porn star who shares my name. Most of you also know that she enjoys doing things with her butt. If you didn’t already know that, now you do.
A few weeks ago I received an anonymous email from someone that appeared to be spam. Here it is:
Hi precious lady. I think that you were the daughter of a
famous man. I might be your biological brother. Please contact me
as soon as possible. Thanks.

Tony

At first, I thought it was spam. Then, I checked his email address, which came from a legit university. So, I deduced that he was trying to get in touch with the porn star by emailing ryanconner@yahoo, ryanconner@hotmail, ryanconner@gmail, etc… until he got a bite. And he used the “brother” line so the porn star wouldn’t think he was after sex. So, I said, “It is time to mess with this guy’s head. Some people said that it would be messed up to do this. I agree that it would be messed up to do that to any random person, but I have no qualms with messing with someone who tries to randomly solicit a porn star. So, here was my reply:

I'm not sure who you are. Tell me more.

That’s a little tactic that I learned, called, “playing it cool.” He replied…

I'm sorry. I think that I make an honest mistake. I just had this strange dream about U being
a certain person's daughter. The dream seemed so real. Some of my rare dreams have turned out to be true. In one of my classes, I also read about a chemist who actually dreamed about the structure of benzene, and he was right. So I thought that it was quite peculiar that I would have a dream like that. My dream, I think, is false.

But I think that you are still a good and precious women anyway. You are very beautiful too. If I'm right, U had a tough upbringing, and had alot of obstacles to overcome. I hope that U are doing fine at this point. This world is certainly a mess. I want to help make it a better place in my own little way. I'm a good and handsome man. I'm a student at Claremont University. I plan on becoming a college professor in philosophy. I live in southern california. I would like meet you one day to have lunch with U or something, if U have the time. Please tell me a little about yourself, if U wish. I hope to hear from U at your convienence. Thanks for responding to my email.

Cheers,
Tony

Someone should tell this guy that no woman is going to sleep with him if he calls them “precious.” That’s very 1880s. I also thought it was weird that he would reference benzene in a conversation with a porn star. I replied:

I've heard about the chemist who dreamed about the structure of benzene. Crazy, right?
Thanks for the kind words. That's awfully nice of you. How did you find out about me? I'm always curious about that.
You seem to have your life together. Who's your favorite philosopher.
Talk to you soon;)

I like that I said I heard about the benzene dream, and my reaction to it is, “Crazy, right?” “Who’s your favorite philosopher,” is also another favorite of mine. I kept my friends posted on this situation after every email. The previous email prompted Danny Rouhier to reply, “I just read this again. Almost in tears right now. I may have farted i
was laughing so hard...” By the way, I know this is creepy. Here was his long ass response:

Hi "Ryan":

To answer your question about how I know about U: I saw a video of U several years back. Other than that, I don't know anything about U, except what I dreamed. I'm not a psychic or anything. In fact, I rarely dream But deja vu is common. My deja vu's are vivid. Also, I have some strange dreams sometime, in which some things turn out to be true. But I had these strange dreams about U, that U were in a dark place and being mistreated (childhood??? i don't know). But I saw U coming out into this marvelous lite. The lite was not even the sun, but it was radiant. I can't tell U all of what I dreamed about U, at least not right now.

As far as philosophers, I don't necessarily have a favorate, although I do think some are better than others. I like Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. I'm not too big on Medieval philosophy. I some Moderns, such as Descartes, and especially Hume (They disagree with each other, but I like them both). The Postmoderns like Russell and Quine, i think, are a little too drowned in physics, yet they have made some interesting comments and improvements in modern logic. I can respect anyone who is genuinelly searching after truth, even if they decide that we cannot know it. Isn't that a truth, some sense???

I'm 36 and graduated from college at 24. I've been through alot of hardships, in years past. But now I'm feeling the best that I've ever felt. Sometime after college I worked as an Accountant, Medical Claims Adjuster, etc. I really don't like the corporate world. People treat each other like garbage, very depressing. I had to get out of those gigs. I decided to go into philosophy and think about big questions. Although I can get sophisticated and understand some complex and abstract philosophical concepts, I'm pretty simple. I don't go around being pedantic or anything. I just want to be wise and loving. I have cultivated a Mental-Emotional Pleasure of seeing that other's succeed at what they do. It brings pleasure to me to see others avoid pain and have pleasure. True, not many people are like that. I don't think that I have to be a Mother Theresa, or anything. I want to enjoy good food, clothes, relationships, and great sex, like anyone. But they don't possess me, I'm in possession of them, if U know what I mean. Narcisism is a psycho-social disorder. So is Altruism. We have to balance these two. If society did this better, there would be no need for Mother Therasas'.

I want to teach philosophy to make people better thinkers, and possess better characters, more so than we find in the corporate environment. Although passionately opinionated about Love, I am so open-minded and a good listener. If someone disagrees with me, I don't get offended easily. We're all on a journey, and life is a sort of school of learning, even for those not in an institutional "school". I love Love and the Truth, even though it can't be fully realized, in this life. But I'm happy to say that one day those who have this inner desire, will. The inner desire is all that counts. I sort of think of my mind as me and my body as part of the world. Sometimes, my mind wants my body to do something, sometimes it does and sometimes not. For instance, I like to be polite all the time. But if I haven't gotten proper rest my brain-chemistry does not agree with my inner desire: So I end up saying "get the hell out of my way". I recognize that that is not me. I know who I want to be. If you go to an evangelical church, they try to make you feel guilty. But I don't need guilt to know who I want to be, nor to do good. I don't have to go to church to be guilt-ridden as a reminder not to murder, steal, etc. I know I want to be loving, simply because its Beautiful. And if I'm not, then its something external, not internal. But I do believe Nature one day will grant me my wish. It's given me all of them so far, except for a few. I'm working on those tho', ha, ha, ha.

Well...I hope that I was not too long, but I just wanted to share some thoughts with U. I'll send you a pic or two of me on Monday or Tuesday, since, I know what U look like, its only fair, right? I hope that U have a good evening or weekend. And also, to hear from U soon, lovely lady.

Cheers,
Tony

I think it’s weird that he called me “Ryan,” in quotation marks, because that implies that he knows the porn star’s real name. It also makes me mad at the porn star because she could have picked any name in the world to be her stage name, and she picked “Ryan Conner.” Blessing and a curse. Blessing and a curse, I tell you. He also said, “I love Love and the Truth,” so he’s really overplaying the “sensitive card.” He thinks he’s talking to a porn star. Porn stars aren’t into F. Scott Fitzgerald. He should take a Larry Flynt-esque turn. My response to his manifesto…

Wow, that's all so interesting. You seem so smart! And you're such a gentleman!
I look forward to seeing the pictures;) Do you have any favorites of me?

Danny Rouhier’s reaction to that email from me was “Do you have any favorites of me? Yes, the one where there's a dude in your browneye and another dude
making your eyes water from his mule choking your throat...Do you liek the
one of me in the sweater-vest or the one in the sport coat with elbow
patches?” Let’s skip to the next email from this guy:
Hi "Ryan":

How was your weekend??? I hope that U had a good one.
Here's my pics!!! They are not professional. I think everyone
takes bad pics. That is, everyone looks better in person. However, I
like all of your pics. But I KNOW that U look even better in person.
Enjoy your day. I'll talk soon!!!

Warm Regards,
Tony

Here is a link to a screenshot of the pics. Notice in the top corner of the screenshot, I had just googled “meth.” Long story.
When you look at the full sized middle picture, you can see that he’s wearing spandex. That’s creepy. The weirdest part is that he sent me a picture of the Hoover Dam, and he isn’t even in the picture. It’s just a picture that he took. Then, to make matters worse, he spelled it “HOVER DAM.” The Hover Dam. What an idiot. You proofread before you email a porn star.
I didn’t reply to the pictures email because I thought it was starting to go too far. Once a face was attached to it, it got way too creepy. A couple days later he sent this, which made me decide to pull the plug:

Hi "Ryan":

How are U??? I hope that U got my pics. Do U live in California??? Do U like to dance???
I've been to the Mood in Hollywood for my B'day this past december. I'm a real good dancer.
I used to strip dance at a club in NJ, when I was 21. That's where I learned my mad skills, ha, ha, ha. I like to have a good time when I go out. Well...I hope to hear from U soon, lovely lady.

Cheers,
Tony

The End

DJs suck so much...

A girl from UMD-College Park added me to her myspace friends list. Then she that that I'm "her M!" I don't know what that means. Someone please help me out. I don't speak gay.
I did a show at Georgetown tonight. It was a student show, with Jeff Maurer hosting, and Jared Stern and myself doing time at the end. Someone said something about middle school dances, which caused me to have a flashback to why I hate djs. I remember being at a middle school dance. Everyone had their pants on backwards and inside out (is wiggety-wiggety-whack), and were "Jump-Jumping" like it's nobodies business. Then as the song wound down and everyone had decided that Kriss-Kross wass like the new Beatles, only better, the dj came on the mic... [cue random Mariah Carey song] "Alright, let's slow it down for a few minutes. Guys, grab your girl. It's time for a slow song. Pull her close. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about..." I remember hearing that and thinking, "Wow, this guy's a fucking child molestor. We're only twelve. Why is he so into this? Fine, you can play a slow song, but when you say, 'Yeah, that's what I'm talking about...' everyone knows you like to touch kids." That's what 12 year old Ryan thought about.
I hate running into people that I haven't seen in years. It's always really awkward. Recently, I ran into a girl that I hadn't seen since middle school. We weren't even friends then. I think we had a couple classes together, and that's it. But she came up to me, and said, "Ryan, it's [insert name]. What have you been up to?" What have I been up to? We haven't seen each other in 12 years. Well, I got my braces off... Where do you want me to start. Can't we just not have this conversation? To tell you the truth, I'm all set on friends. I thought that on the last day of school, when we didn't swap phone numbers, we were making a conscious decision to never speak to each other again. Thanks for violating that agreement. That's what I thought. What I said was, "Not much."
Show info:
Thursday, 2/16@8pm, I will be at WiseAcres ( www.wiseacrescomedyclub.com ) in Tyson's Corner with 3 friends of mine, Rory Scovel, Frank Hong and Norm Wilkerson. The title of the show is "The Four Funniest Comics Ever... Ever... Ever..." I did not come up with name of the show. For some reason, the show isn't listed on their website, but you can get directions there. Tickets will be available at the door for $5 or $8, depending on how much they cost.
Over the next week and a half, I will be doing a series of college shows too. Don't go to them unless you have to, or you go to the school.
I will also be at the DC Improv ( www.dcimprov.com ), March 1 - 5, featuring for Bill Burr. These tickets are going fast, so get them asap if you can make it. I know the early show on Saturday is already sold out, and the other shows are catching up.
I haven't been updating my blog as frequently as I used to, so sorry about that. I'll try to pick it back up.

Ryan gets gay about his NY shows...

I spent the past 5 days in NY on a comedy adventure. Going in, I was a little intimidated because I knew that most of the comics I would be performing with would be headliners with Comedy Central and HBO specials. It’s hard to look at those comics as peers, when only three years ago, I looked at them as being at a nearly unattainable level. Then I would tell myself that it’s just another set of thousands that I will do, which is sort of a lie.
CUT TO: DAY-BY-DAY BREAKDOWN
Int. – Caroline’s on Broadway – Wednesday Night
The Caroline’s show was fun. It’s an amazing club. But the crowd was very small. Bill Burr followed me and ripped the place apart. That guy is great. I’m featuring for him at the DC Improv next month. Get tickets, sucka! There was also a guy named Harris Thanton on the show, who I thought was really funny. If you’re watching Comedy Central and his Premium Blend comes on, watch it.
That night, Erin Conroy (www.erinconroy.com) and I were waiting for the subway to take us back to her apartment in Brooklyn, when a normal-looking woman walked up to us and sang, “I’m stuck on Band-Aids, ‘cause Band-Aids are stuck on me!” Then she smiled at us and said, “Right?” I was sure this woman was about to steal my soul if I didn’t do what she wanted, so Erin and I nodded, “Right!” Without missing another beat, the woman broke into another song, “Jesus loves me, yes I know. ‘Cause the bible tells me so…” Erin looked at me and said, “Did she just go from ‘Band-Aids’ straight into ‘Jesus Loves Me’?” Affirmative, Conroy. Affirmative. Then the woman pressed play on a boom box that was lying on the ground behind her. A traditional Mexican song came blaring out, which she sang beautifully. She actually was a great singer. Everyone on the platform watched and applauded. But no record company is ever going to take her seriously if she keeps opening with the Band-Aids song. Why to you think Rockwell never really took off?
Thursday night I saw Sigur Ros at Madison Square Garden Theatre with Rory Scovel, his girlfriend, and his ex-girlfriend. He’s the only person on earth who can bring his girlfriend with him to NY and stay at his ex-girlfriend’s apartment, without a trace of awkwardness. The concert was so great that I heard they might start a new religion based on it. And I will be a member of that religion, along with Kings of the Beach stars, Randy Stoklos and Sinjin Smith. You can join too. Just make sure you bring plenty of marshmallows. What???? Go to the next paragraph. Don’t even bother re-reading what I just wrote. It’s not worth it. It’s called “filler.”
Friday night I had the biggest opportunity I’ve had thus far in comedy. A great comic, whose name I won’t mention, but will say that he’s the Obi Wan Kenobi of comedy, set me up with an audition at The Comedy Cellar. This is the most prestigious club in the country. And it’s nearly impossible to get an audition. This is the club where Chris Rock, Colin Quinn, Dave Attell, Dave Chappelle, Jerry Seinfeld and countless other greats work out their material. I got there, knowing that I would be about ten years the junior of the next youngest comic on the show, which is cool and a bit intimidating, because I didn’t want them to think I was some punk who didn’t realize what an opportunity it was.
Because I stayed at a different place every night, I was at the disposal of my friends at every moment. This meant that I had to go to the Village with them at 5PM, even though my show was at 11:30. The twenty minutes you are at a show before going onstage are the longest minutes imaginable because you want to get on stage right away. That twenty-minute wait was six and a half hours on Friday. It was torture… watching the clock… thinking about what could go wrong… thinking about how lucky I was to get the audition, etc… I finally got to the club and had to look for the lady who runs the club. I was told not to bother her right then because she was hanging out with Robin Williams, who had just got off stage. When they finished talking, I caught up with her outside the club and introduced myself. She was very nice. And I asked if she had any idea when I would go up. She said it would be determined by whether or not Robin Williams and Jeffrey Ross (one of my all-time favorites) wanted to do a set at the show. This marked the first time that Robin Williams had directly influenced my life. Although I would have loved to see Robin Williams perform, he’s probably the hardest comic in the world to follow, so I wasn’t completely in favor of him performing.
About 20 minutes later, the show was starting. The comics all hang out in the restaurant above the club. But I wasn’t about to ask Robin Williams and Jeff Ross to slide over, so I could grab a seat, so I watched the show from the back of the club. About five minutes into the show, Robin came down the steps and left. Our jackets touched, but that’s neither here nor there. Since he wouldn’t be doing a set, I was told that I would be going up right after Jim Norton and Mitch Fatel, and right before Darrell Hammond. Everyone kills at the Cellar, and Norton and Fatel were no exception. I was introduced by Pete Dominick, who was hilarious, and got the crowd nice and ripe. As soon as he said my name, all the nerves went away, and it was just like any other show. I had a good set. Not great. Not bad. When I got off stage, first, Darrell Hammond stopped me to say that he thought I was funny. Then I was invited back by the booker and owner. So, I passed my audition at the Comedy Cellar. This is what I’ve been working towards ever since I started. I didn’t think I’d have a shot at getting in there for another 5 years, but I’ve had a lot of good luck, which has helped. To me, this is bigger than getting a Comedy Central special.
When you walk into the Cellar, you see the signed headshots of all the great comics who have come through the Cellar… Mitch Hedberg, Andy Kaufman, Jerry Seinfeld, Colin Quinn, Jeff Ross, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Robin Williams, Dave Attell, Jon Stewart, Jon Lovitz, Damon Wayans, Gary Shandling, Todd Barry, Ray Romano, Darrell Hammond, David Spade, Louis C.K., and more… I can’t even describe what it feels like to be invited back to that place.
I have some funny stuff to write about too, which I will do later. First, I wanted to gay it up about my NY shows.
I have a few new jokes for this week. One is about growing up with mandatory friends (ie. The neighbor who you don’t like, but hang out with because he has a pool.)

NY Shows

Wednesday at Carolines on Broadway at 7:00PM
www.carolines.com
Friday at The Comedy Cellar at 11:45PM
www.comedycellar.com
Saturday at Stand-Up NY at midnight
www.standupny.com

If you're in NY and want something to do, come check out a show.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

It’s time to catch up.
Last Thursday, Jay Hastings and I rode together to Topaz for their open microphone. On that night, something my good friend Justin Schlegel calls “an opinion changer,” occurred. Before the show, we met a couple of Jay’s roommates, and one of their friends at some bar. The friend asked if I was a comic too. I said yes. Then she asked if I was funny. I told her I’m horrible. Then Jay’s roommate chimed in, “No, he’s funny. I saw him one time… but you know who I loved? The guy with the squash!” She was referring to a guy who did an open mic with me one time, who brought a giant squash on stage, drilled a hole in it and simulated sex with the retarded cousin of the pumpkin. That was it. That’s all he did… for 8 minutes. I’m kind of funny, but she loved the squash-fucker. It was time to go.
Two weeks before that at Topaz, it was packed, but packed with people who appeared to be on a librarian’s retreat… not really a comedy crowd. The first sentence I said on stage was, “One time I did a show, and I had to go to the bathroom right before I went on stage…” I was interrupted by uncontrollable laughter from a woman in the front row. I stopped with the joke and asked her what she was laughing about, since all I had said was that I went to the bathroom, something most humans do. Her response was, “TOO MUCH INFORMATION!” I said, “What? It’s too much information that I went to the bathroom? Do you never do that?” She replied, “No. Well I don’t tell people about it… that’s TOO MUCH INFORMATION!” I wanted to rip into her for saying that stupid phrase twice in ten seconds, but I let it go. I let it go because it hit me that she was most likely an elementary school librarian, and she was saying it because she had probably just read “The Babysitters Club” to some of her students that day. “Cool babysitters say ‘Too Much Information.’” Work at a grown up library like everyone else, lady.
Jay Hastings had the line of the week last night when we were watching the Super Bowl with a bunch of my friends. Stevie Wonder was doing the pre-game show, and someone noticed that his “beard” was only a regular mustache and another mustache below his bottom lip, so it made a perfect circle around his lips. Jay said, “It looks like his face is shitting lips.”

Saved By The Bell

Come to Stampfest today around 6 at UMD-College Park. I’ll be performing at the Baltimore room along with friend Danny Rouhier.
I have shows lined up at a few big NY clubs next week that I’m really excited about. I’ll post the details on Monday. If you’re in NY, come check out a show.
There’s a group called NACA, who regulates all college entertainment. In order to get mass college bookings, you have to be approved by NACA. It should be noted that the same people who approve the rock walls and moon-bounce machines that you occasionally see at college campuses also approve comedy for NACA. Mistake? I doubt it. Moon bounces are silly! Anyway, I got rejected for the second straight year. Hooray! It’s weird and unpredictable. A couple of excellent DC comics, Danny Rouhier and Chris White, got in, which is great. But they also let Matrix Entertainment in, and their Moon Bounce machine isn’t very bouncy at all. Who is booking this thing? I’m just saying this to make a point. NACA has a mix of great national headliners, great up and comers like Danny and Chris, but they also have perennial favorite Dustin “Screech” Diamond to go along with the Moon Bounce. I have a friend who worked with Screech, and his “handlers” actually approached my friend to make sure he didn’t do any fart jokes because Screech would be doing a lot of them. Who does fart jokes?????? What I’m saying is that I got turned down for a silly, silly Moon Bounce and fart jokes. I really hope Danny and Chris take all of their bookings. Rock walls are cool though.
More to come…

UMD/NY/Google

If you are a student at UMD-College Park, come see Danny Rouhier and I this Friday at 7PM in The Baltimore Room in the Stamp Building. It shall be hot.
Also, I'm locking in more shows for NY next week. So far, I'm at Carolines (www.carolines.com) on Wednesday at 7:30 and Stand-Up NY (www.standupny.com)on Saturday at midnight, and I'll have another one locked in on Monday. If you're in NY, check out one of these shows and I will give you a high-five.
If you go to On-Tap's website, you will see that they called me a "Stand-Up Comedy Phenom." This marks the first time I've ever been called a phenom.
You know how when you start to type something into google, it will show you previous searches that started with the same letters in case you're looking for the same thing... Yesterday, I was typing something that started with an "s" and the first thing to come up when I typed the "s" was "seal's face." I vaguely remember searching for that. If you're wondering, the answer is lupus. You're welcome.