I'm a nerd

A few months ago, I posted my favorite search strings that led to my website with the intention of making it a monthly post. However, I was bored by the idea, so I never followed through with it. But, today I’m sitting in New York at a friends apartment, wanting to write about some ideas I had, but due to the neighbor’s blaring cheesy pop music, I can’t write anything that requires thought. So, here’s a list of my favorite search strings that led to my website.
Actually, before I list the actual searches, I would like to send a message to whomever it is that keeps using the “dogpile” search engine: stop it. I know you’re trying to be cool by using a lesser known search engine, just so that when someone says “google it,” you can reply, “Google? I use dogpile. It’s much better and not corporate.” Grow up.

Category: Stop Being Creepy
“Ryan conner backstage” – Any way you look at this, it’s creepy. Someone either wants to relive a backstage moment, or they are wondering what I do backstage at shows. Or, the porn star, Ryan Conner, has a movie called “Backstage.”

Category: I Answer Their Questions
“Red-devil Carlisle comedy line-up” – Does it really matter? Do you really think you have heard of anyone who would be playing Red Devil Pizzeria?
“dress code baltimore comedy factory” – As long as your gun is concealed.
“Medieval times/blue knight” – If you stop searching for things like this, you too can have friends.

Category: How did this link to my site?
“In da club tipsy” – Sure it’s a great song, but I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it on my site. Is google linked up to my brain or something?
“Hasidic jews handshake” – What? Do they really have a secret handshake? I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t trust anyone who belongs to a group that has a secret handshake, because anyone who thinks it’s necessary to keep something like a handshake secret is stupid. What’s going to happen if the secret gets out?
“Kirk hinrich underwear” – Hinrich is one of my favorite basketball players, but I have no idea what the underwear talk is about.
“lyrics for when u step into the crip...get in your b day suit.” – I’ve never even heard of this song, but I have a feeling the lyrics are Emerson-like. Good use of the google search.
“what is ovarian eleison” – I have no clue. How disappointed this person must have been when my site was suggested to answer this question…
“hollywood bag ladies lupus” – I don’t really understand what this person was looking for either.

Category: I know why you were sent to my website, and my reaction to your search…
“Clothes changers at nuggets halftime” – This must be linked to my Halftime Shows blog about the worst halftime shows I’ve ever seen. The clothes changers are a husband-wife team who change their clothes really fast. That’s it. That’s the whole show. I recommend reading the whole blog entry.
Also, since they were at a Nuggets’ game, this implies that the clothes changers do roadwork.
“Toilet paper comparisons” – First of all, your Internet privileges should be revoked for searching this. You’re an adult. Go to the grocery store and look at the toilet paper. Do you really want to trust the opinion of someone who goes online to post his or her opinion on toilet paper? How is that not a wasted moment in your life? How does someone wipe their ass, and think, “I have to let the world know about that one!”

Category: I recommend revoking your Internet privileges too.
“funny hilarious voicemail greetings what would you say” – Come on. Stop it. There’s no such thing as a funny voicemail greeting. They all come off as annoying.
Also, learn how to form a search string.
“i am looking up the directions for hilary s favorate restaurant” – More than likely, this person was typing an IM and accidentally clicked on a different window and sent his or her IM to a google search. If that’s not the case, I think Bill Engvall would give you a sign.
“wiggety whack definition” – Wow.

Category: I don’t understand this search
“david angelo porn star” – David Angelo is a comic friend of mine from Chicago. If there is a porn star named David Angelo, I’m going to have to assume that the porn industry is stealing names from comics.

It's true...

If music, other than your own, automatically plays on your myspace page, all of your friends secretly hate you.

Here's a review of a show I did in Punchline Magazine.

Don't call Ultimate Frisbee a sport

-I am currently at home, drinking granola like water, and washing it down with more granola, like milk. I may have a cupcake in a few minutes. Not having a day job is amazing.
Today, I played FIFA 06 on PS2 for a while. Then I played real soccer for about an hour, until I realized that real soccer and video game soccer work completely different sets of muscles. Real soccer: legs. FIFA 06: more fingers than anything else… less aerobic. When I finished, I played more FIFA. I expect to be back at my middle school video game levels within weeks.
-I was in NY last week, doing shows, having meetings and being ignored by potential future roommates. No one will reply to my craigslist emails. Is there a pass code I’m supposed to give them or something? If you or someone you know is looking for a roommate, let me know.
The shows were okay, but I have yet to have a show in NY that I’ve felt good about. For some reason, I’m really tight on stage there. I’m not sure what my problem is. So, if you’re in NY reading this, I will be better next time.
I think I had some NY stuff to write about, but I forgot.
-I took the Washington Deluxe bus to and from NY. On my way up, a guy who had 26 teenaged Russian girls with him had bought 27 of the seats. That had “future prostitutes” written all over it. I can’t think of any other possibilities, unless it was a school field trip on a public bus, for a school that specializes in young Russian girls. What I’m saying is, I think I should have called the cops. My bad, Russian youth.
On the way back, they played two movies. The opener was that Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher movie. It didn’t go over very well, except with a few people. Then, after the rest stop, the driver put in the Chris Rock of bus movies, “Hitch.” It killed. I’m not making this up. The entire bus, other than myself, was whipped into a frenzy by Will Smith and Kevin James’ antics for 90 minutes. It was bizarre. If the studio had limited Hitch's release to Chinatown buses only, I think it could have been the most succesful movie of all time.
-I did a show at the Bethesda Hyatt on Saturday… talk about a shit sandwich. It was a weird, old, white crowd, and we took an intermission right before Jon Mumma’s set, which was right before mine. The intermission probably was a good idea, because no one I know can sit down for a full 90-minute show. If they did, we’d have to call the Guinness people about possibly getting into their little book.
Marriott rules!
-If you’re in a cover band, first of all, you shouldn’t be. However, if you insist on making me angry and remaining a member of “Gideon’s Last Paradise,” or whatever stupid cover bands are called, please do me a couple favors.
1. Don’t play any songs by the following artists, as it is too predictable: Jimmy Buffett, Sublime, Dave Matthews Band, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Bob Marley or John Mayer. And don’t even think of playing a Spin Doctors song. That even annoys the Spin Doctors.
2. Don’t tell us stories about the songs you’re playing. No one cares. They aren’t your songs. It’s one thing if Bob Marley is playing “Redemption Song,” and prefaces it with what the song means to him. It’s completely different when you tell your shitty story about how you were playing Ultimate Frisbee the first time you heard “Redemption Song,” and you stopped in the catch-zone (or whatever Ultimate Frisbee terms that exist) and said, “Whoa, this song is… whoa man… It’s… ummm…I just love it, and I have to play it on my Casio keyboard for a group of people who wouldn’t have came to the bar if they knew they were going to be forced to listen to a cover band.” No one cares about how the songs relate to you. All you are is a means for bars to avoid paying ASCAP royalties.

More tomorrow…

Curt Shackleford is a great person.

If you haven't read the post entitled "I heard that Curt Shackleford is gay." I recommend you doing so. It prompted the following comment, which is stupid:

" Anonymous said...

I was at the Topaz show and I didn't hear any of that "I’m not trying to fight… You’re just an uptight, PC idiot." When did you say that?

And I don't think anyone booed. I think a lady groaned like she was concurring that losing money for AIDS is a bad thing.

And even if they did boo, I have been in audiences where people boo to commiserate with the speaker. I hear it among political audiences a lot. Like when a candidate is dissing his opponent and people boo at the sound of his name. Maybe it's a DC thing? So maybe people didn't hate you as much as you thought. Hang in there. AIDS humor is tough to pull off, even if you are sympathizing with the cause."

It made me mad, and I'm going to address it, sentence-by-sentence.

I was at the Topaz show and I didn't hear any of that "I’m not trying to fight… You’re just an uptight, PC idiot."
-Then you weren't listening or something.

When did you say that?
-At the end of my set, after my last joke, as I said in the entry that you were responding to. How did you forget that quickly? Why did you think it's okay to ask questions in a comment? People don't usually respond to anonymous comments.

And I don't think anyone booed.
-I heard two or three people boo.

I think a lady groaned like she was concurring that losing money for AIDS is a bad thing.
-This may be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. Who boos a tragedy? That is weird logic. You think people booed on 9/11? No. You stupid-face, dumb-head.
“Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to tell you this, but your wife has died.”
“Boooo!!! Boooo!!!!”
See how stupid you are?
I know the difference between a boo and a groan.

And even if they did boo, I have been in audiences where people boo to commiserate with the speaker.
-Where do you hang out that people do this? Maybe that’s your problem, because boos typically don’t represent empathy.

I hear it among political audiences a lot.
-That explains a lot.

Like when a candidate is dissing his opponent and people boo at the sound of his name.
-If there was one word in the English language, or any language that could make you sound any worse, it would be “dissing.” Way to go. High-five!
I don’t think I was referring to AIDS as my opposition anyway.

Maybe it's a DC thing?
-No.

So maybe people didn't hate you as much as you thought.
-Way to go to an extreme, asshole. I didn’t say anything about people hating me. The crowd was really into it, except for two lines in one joke, out of ten minutes. They really liked the rest of it. Did you even read the blog before responding? Were you really at the show?

Hang in there.
-You are a condescending prick. I’m doing okay with the whole comedy thing.

AIDS humor is tough to pull off, even if you are sympathizing with the cause.
-This sums up the whole thing. The point of the entry this person is responding to, is that it is not an AIDS joke. It’s a story about an AIDS Benefit that I did. It was a horrible show. The story is about a horrible show, not AIDS. The only reason I say AIDS, is because that’s what we were raising money for. At no time do I even talk about AIDS, other than to mention that it’s an AIDS Benefit that lost money for AIDS. That’s it. I am getting so mad as I write this.

The End.