Frank Hong Really Has It Together

-The Congressional Baseball game was held at RFK last night. I didn’t go this year, because I don’t like baseball and the outcome is so predictable. But, I went the previous two years and I got a rundown from last night’s game. Over the past three years, the Republicans have outscored the Democrats by about 40 runs. I’m not exaggerating. The Republicans more dominant than the Globetrotters. It isn’t fair at all. The Democrats have a bunch of guys who were probably decent in Little League, while the Republicans have a roster of former minor-league players, college players, and a former track world-record holder in Jim Ryun.
So, in order to make the annual sporting event competitive, I think the Democrats should propose that they play another sport. The problem is that no one would want to watch a bunch of middle-aged men play basketball, football or soccer. So, I say they pick something that requires no athletic ability, but would be competitive, such as bowling, darts or beer pong. All three of those games are up for grabs whenever any amateur plays them. I think beer pong would be the most exciting though. The Republicans would probably have better aim since they all used to play for the Yankees. They would come out strong, hitting the cups early. But anchored by Ted and Patrick Kennedy, the Democrats would have a lot of stamina. They could be 20 games in and still unfazed. So the game would be an exciting match of skill versus stamina. It’s like Lewis-Holyfield. Someone needs to propose this.
-I have horrible luck with choosing seats when traveling by bus between NY and DC. It always looks like I’m going to have my own row, but just before the bus leaves, Fat Albert, who snores when he’s awake and chews when there’s nothing in his mouth, gets on and sits next to me. A few days ago, I was surrounded by the worst possible combination of passengers. Just by turning my head slightly, I could see no less than six people wearing bluetooth headsets, who weren’t talking on them. They were wearing them “just in case” someone calls. I guess you can never be too careful about making sure you look like a tool when on the phone. What if someone calls and you aren’t already wearing the headset? Then you might have to hold the phone up to your ear, which would require you to put down your copy of GQ. Then you might lose your place, and you don’t want to do that, because you were just getting to the exciting part about Hugo Boss’ new Fall line of button-down shirts, which don’t wrinkle, but still feel like 100% cotton. So, keep the headsets on. In front of me was a guy talking on his Nextel two-way, non-stop. So, we could all hear the conversation. The guy on the other end was supposed to pick something up from somewhere, but he was having a hard time doing it. The guy on the bus was not very happy about it, because item really needed to be picked up. The two people to my left were eating Indian food. That gets smelly on a bus. A kid was sitting behind me, kicking my seat the whole time. And to top it off, the fat guy du jour who sat next to me was reading a book called “The Game”, which I thought was a book about pimps, which could be interesting. Then I figured out that it’s a book about picking up women. 400 pages about picking up women! I glanced at one of the pages and read this sentence: “Then I initiated tonguedown.” If you own this book, go ahead and quit life. Do it. Just quit. You aren’t getting anywhere. That book should be two chapters. The first chapter should say, “Just be yourself.” And the second chapter should say, “Well… not really.”
I hate Germany
-My friend John had a sitcom moment recently. He had some suits, ties and shirts in a garbage bag, to take to the cleaners. For some reason, he put them next to a garbage bag that was full of garbage. Then he got the bags mixed up and threw his suits away, and didn’t realize it until the trash had already been picked up. This is my same friend who did butter shots in Las Vegas. Check the pictures page for those. He’s also the same friend from the below picture.

-Frank Hong and I watched the NBA Draft together on Wednesday. The announcers always have interesting ways of saying that certain players are stupid. My favorites from this year were:
“He is not good with testing… does not do well on tests…”
“His problem is that he doesn’t pick up concepts. He just doesn’t seem to understand them…”
Other good moments:
The overused adjectives of the year, used to describe players with long arms and little skill were “long” and “raw”. I think that sounds a tad too sexual for basketball.
Stuart Scott said “Old-school” twice in the first five minutes of the draft. He said it in terms that didn’t even make sense. “Alright, you went to school in Texas… pretty old-school.” Thankfully, someone must have told him to stop it.
-When I was performing in Miami a couple months ago, I thought something was a little off about the city. I couldn’t figure it out though. Then I was watching game 5 of the NBA Finals, in Miami, which was last week… 2006. Gary Payton hit a key shot at the end of the game, and without hesitation, the crowd started singing, “Whoop! There it is…” That pretty much sums up Miami.
-Argentina just lost to Germany in a shootout in the World Cup. Germany beat them fair and square, but I would like to point out that they play like punks. They dive like Matt Biondi. It’s like a team of Vlade Divacs just falling all over the place without getting touched. If Italy beats Ukraine, Germany vs. Italy should just be considered the World Diving Championships. Two birds… They both play disgracefully. They have great players, especially Italy, but play with little integrity.
So, how did Argentina lose? Their keeper was injured, so they had to waste a sub on him, replacing him with someone with only 4 national team appearances (not many). Up 1-0, they decided to try to defend Germany and hold on to the one goal lead. So, they used their last two subs for a defensive midfielder and a big forward who has no ball-skill. They took out their best two offensive players for these guys. Soon after the subs, Germany tied it up with a header that should have been saved. The game remained tied through overtime, leading to a shootout.
Ideally, Argentina’s penalty shooters would be Crespo, Saviola, Riquelme, Messi and Tevez. Because of their defensive-minded subs, Tevez was the only one in the game. With two defenders taking the penalties and an inexperienced keeper, Argentina had no chance in the shootout.
Argentina is awarded the FIFA Fair Play Award regularly in international tournaments for playing cleanly, within the rules. To add to the lack of class of the German team, their assistant coach, Bierhoff, started a fight with Roberto Ayala, Argentina’s star defender, after the game. It was the only World Cup game I’ve ever seen in which the players refused to trade jerseys. Argentina’s Carlos Tevez and Germany’s Podolski were the only players to do so.
I really hate Germany.

Arrested Development is Hilarious.

- Let’s make a deal. If I’m meeting you in a city, and we make eye contact when we’re across the street from each other, let’s pretend me didn’t make eye contact. There aren’t many things that are more awkward than waiting for a walk signal, then walking 80 feet while staring someone in the eye. And, under no circumstance should you try to start a conversation from across the street. It can wait. If you yell, “Is that a new shirt?” to me from 80 feet away, I’m going to turn around and walk away. Let’s just pretend we don’t see each other until we’re almost face-to-face. Don’t even wave. That’s awkward too.
-A couple months ago, I wrote about an experience I had at a Baltimore McDonald’s. It was a freak accident. But I let it slide, and almost forgot about it. Then, in New York a few days ago, lighting struck twice. I ordered the Chicken McNuggets meal. I asked for Sweet and Sour Sauce. I paid for it. The cashier handed me the bag. She spoke decent English. I asked her if the Sweet and Sour Sauce was in the bag. She firmly replied, “Yes. It’s in the bag,” and smiled. Awesome. I was excited for this meal. We all know that nothing goes with World Cup soccer like Chicken McNuggets. It's like handball and corn nuts. After a 10 block walk back, I opened the bag, reached in to pull out my morsels of chicken heaven, only to find that once again I’ve been given a fish sandwich. How does that happen twice? Chicken and fish sound nothing alike. When I asked for Sweet and Sour Sauce both times, how was that not a red flag for the cashier? I don’t get it. They thought I was going to put Sweet and Sour on my fish sandwich, along with the tartar sauce. That's how you get Lupus. I read it in Seal's biography. IMDB it. It's true.
You know what this means, right? Boycott. I have to boycott McDonald’s now. I have no other choice. I wish it could have happened somewhere else… like a place I rarely visit… like Baskin Robbins. If I go there and order Rocky Road, and they give me Trout Sorbet, not once, but twice, I boycott them. No questions asked. It’s going to be hard to stay away from the nuggets and soggy fries though. I'll give the boycott two weeks tops.
-New business plan: There’s never been an air freshener targeted toward kids… until now. Circus scented air freshener. Sure, circuses smell like clown shit. But kids love circuses and will get their parents to buy it. Never mind. That’s a horrible idea. I thought of it because one of the stops on the 6 in New York smell exactly like a circus. It’s disgusting.
-At the Radiohead concert a couple weeks ago, I went to the bar to get a smooth, cool, refreshing Coca-Cola, which may or may not be the taste of the new generation. While there, I overheard a conversation between the cashier next to me and a customer. He said something about a movie. She said, “Oh, you should see An Inconvenient Truth. It’s interesting.”
His reply was, “Nahh… I’m not buying that global warming thing.”
She gave him a perplexed look that silently said, “You don’t believe in science?”
He continued, “If it really is true, then why would they need to make a movie about it.”
What????? I don’t understand that argument at all. Sure, some people don’t believe in global warming, due to their belief that climatologists are trying to pull a quick one. But, I don’t understand what this guy was going for.
- A lot more stuff to come on Monday or Tuesday...

things

-If you want to end a conversation quickly, accidentally bite the inside of your cheek and scream like a girl, saying, “I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding.” People will think you’re crazy when you start screaming that in conversation. It works for me.
-My new career plan… Frank Hong and I are in on it. If you want in, let me know.
I just heard about paparazzi getting millions of dollars for certain celebrity pictures. Here’s how the plan works: If Frank is famous before me (or vice versa), I get to take random photos of him doing weird thing, and sell them to various magazines. We split the money 50/50. Since I would have the best access to him, the other paparazzi wouldn’t be able to compete with my close-up photos of him playing with a baby that may or may not be his. And who could turn down the picture of Frank Hong walking out of a 7-11, just like you and I walk out of a 7-11. That has to be the worst page of the celebrity magazines. “Colin Farrell eats ice-cream, just like you!” Wow.
-Here is what happened. I was at Topaz last Thursday when my Blackberry vibrated to remind me of something on my calendar. I pulled it out to see what it was. I was being reminded that I was missing a Radiohead concert that I had tickets for in Philadelphia. It was easily the most crushing moment of my life. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m obsessed with Radiohead. They’ve only toured the US once in the last 5 years and the concert in the DC area got cancelled, so I had never seen them. I had been thinking about this concert non-stop since I was able to get a ticket, which is about as hard as getting a Super Bowl ticket. For some reason, I lost track of the date, and thought the concert was a week later. No one misses a show like this. There were probably only 4 empty seats in the entire theatre, and the other three people died. That’s the only valid excuse for missing a Radiohead concert. I was sure that they would play the best show ever, and then break up the next morning.
I went home, desperate to get a ticket to their show at the same theatre on the next night, and scoured Craigslist. Luckily, someone offered to sell me a ticket for only $125, which is what she paid for it.
Friday afternoon, I headed up to Upper Darby, PA for the show. On the way up, there was a $5 toll in the middle of nowhere in Maryland. I thought it made a lot of sense to have a toll there. After all, how else would they pay for all the nothing around there. The place is full of nothing, and we know that nothing doesn’t pay for itself. There wasn’t even road construction to justify the toll. It’s just sitting in the middle of nowhere. Just a thought: Hey Maryland, Deleware and NJ, how about paying for your roads with tax money like everyone else? Oh man. I just put those states in their places. They are going to feel pretty shitty the next time they see me.
I got to the concert after a 3-hour drive. The opening act, Willy Mason, was great. He has a song called “Oxygen” that I highly recommend. And Radiohead was unbelievable. It was a top-5 life-moment.
Funny things during the show:
A guy in front of me took his shirt off during their opening song, “There There”, and proceeded to make snakelike movements throughout the concert. The best thing about this guy was that he put his shirt back on for certain songs. “I can’t be shirtless during “Lucky”. That just wouldn’t be right.”
The guy next to me started shadowboxing during “Let Down”.
-My friend Jim is more dedicated to a cause than anyone I’ve ever met. He’s been boycotting Arby’s for 14 years, because of an incident in which he and his brother ordered chocolate shakes and were given vanilla. When they told the employee about it, she gave them more vanilla shakes. When they told her the second round was vanilla as well, she told them to leave. Instead of boycotting this problematic Arby’s, he has boycotted the entire franchise since 1992.
You would think that as he’s aged, he would let it go. Just the opposite has happened. Last year, as he was serving a year in Iraq, Jim found time between dodging bullets to write a letter to the president of Arby’s to let him know about the incident. The president corresponded in a timely manner, apologizing for the incident and he even gave Jim a coupon for a free meal. Jim didn’t want any Arby’s reparations though. Instead he has hung the letter and coupon on a wall in his house like it’s a prized moose that he shot. It’s his version of victory.
Until a couple days ago, I thought that was the whole story. But I hung out with his sister over the weekend and she told me about another interesting Arby’s episode. Four years ago, Jim was visiting his grandmother, who had brain cancer. Brain cancer. She was hungry, and turned to Jim to ask, “Jim, would you mind going to Arby’s to get me a roast beef sandwich?”
Jim looked at his grandmother and said, “I can’t. I can go anywhere else for you though.”
“I just want a roast beef sandwich from Arby’s though.”
“It’s kind of a long story, but I’ve been boycotting Arby’s for 10 years. So, I can’t do it. Do you like Burger King?”
“You can go through the drive-thru. You won’t even have to go inside!”
“I can’t do it. This is an issue that is bigger than the hunger of you or I. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to pick something else.”
“But Jim, I have brain cancer.”

previous blog removed

I just removed a blog that I wrote in response to a comment from some guy named "Anonymous". I don't even think I know anyone by that name. It sounds Greek. He may be the guy who wrote Oedipus Rex. I'm not sure. Maybe I met him after a show. I'm sorry, but I'm bad with names.
The comment was in regards to a short joke that I made. It annoyed me, so I responded. My response prompted another similar, but longer response. I disagree with both of them, but this isn't a political website, so I removed everything. Agree to disagree. Let's all be friends. We don't have to hang out or anything. But when we see each other, we can do that awkward nod, and maybe mumble something that sounds like it could be a greeting.

"I don't care who's wrong or right. I don't really want to fight no more..."
-Tina Turner