The Audience at Georgetown

The picture is too big to put on this page, but here's a link to a picture. It was awesome. Even the aisles were packed.

The Karen McDougal Sweepstakes

-I just saw this article:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/08/30/ustab.xml
It’s about a girl getting stabbed in the eye at school in England because she’s an AC/DC fan. Although it’s sad, imagine how much better the world would be if it was legal to stab every Blink 182 fan in the eye, or LFO fan in the throat, or castrate everyone who bought the Paris Hilton collection of sounds on CD (I refuse to call it music.) What you’re imagining is called heaven.

-My friend Al and I constantly come up with band names, and pretend we’re in every band that we invent. We even talk in detail about our imaginary shows sometimes. Neither of us have day jobs.
The most recent band we’ve added to our army is Curmudgeon Stank. They play politically driven punk music. They aren’t very good though.
Others include:
-The Lunchbuckets – Fun, poppy, danceable music. Their 2003 hit, “Bologna Sandwiches Again?” is still popular in some villages in Serbia.
-From an email to Al:
“I hope you don't mind, but I just signed an all girl punk-pop group
behind your back. They’re a cross between The Donnas and Dream. They're
called The Canteloupe Divas. I think you'll find their music
empowering, yet gentle.”
-His response:
“RC-
Well, as long as we get the lead singer to start sleeping with the lead
singer of our new industrial Goth band, Premature Cannibalism. This way we
can get access to the cover of Tiger Beat.
AS”

-The Drugs – Our first band, inspired by The Clash.
-Hot Cooter – Our follow-up R+B act, inspired by a Dukes of Hazzard character, and the movie, “Heat”.
-State Sponsored Sodomy – Bad version of Franz Ferdinand, but more militant. Has a female bass player. Pitchfork Media loves this band. Not because they’re good, but because no one has heard of them and because they record on equipment from the 70s.
-Shit Fisted Aids or Fisted Shit Aids (can’t decide on the word order)- once we have the band name, we’ll decide on the type of music
-The Karen McDougal Sweepstakes – Either you get it or you don’t.
-Hasidic Piss – My favorite.
-Thunderhole – If Poison was formed now, they’d call themselves Thunderhole.
-Crevase – Solo R+B artist whose music is a little too sexual. Whores love it. Everyone else finds him creepy.
-Turbine Overload – It’s hard to define their style.
-HAZE Code – the new Rage Against the Machine (play on Hayes Code)
-Medicated Plastics – Prog-Rock
-Collect Call to Satan – Techno. They struck gold with their 2004 hit, “Press 1 to accept the charges. Press 2 to dance, dance, dance…”
-Ghierri Fjord Clinic – The Drugs cover band.

If you have band names, feel free to leave them as comments.

-This is a brutal tackle from an English soccer game.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCDPellzU_w

-Check out this myspace profile. I got a friend request from her a few days ago. It’s a 10-year-old comic from LA. Why is a 10-year-old doing comedy? Is comedy the new beauty pageant? http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=83957086

-I know several people with tribal band tattoos and have seen thousands of them. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that they are the shittiest kind of tattoo, not only because of the trend-factor, but because people act like they really have something to do with an actual tribe somewhere.
I know they’re just abstract designs, but so that people learn their lesson about them, I hope someone accidentally picks a random pattern that ends up being an actual tribal band. Then one day he’s somewhere along the Nile or Amazon, and stumbles upon the village of his tribe’s enemies… Everyone sees the tattoo and starts freaking out… “Is that an M’Buku? Who let the M’Bukus back in town?” Then he does some research and finds out that he got a tribal band of the notorious M’Buku tribe. A tribe well known for molesting tortoises and eating a diet that consists solely of Kool-Aid, made with urine and carrots. And he’s allergic to carrots. Now he’s got a conundrum on his hands. And if he has a tribal band tattoo, he probably doesn’t know what a conundrum is. So, now he’s really screwed.

-When writing about the bands above, I referenced this email from Al:
“RC-
Well, as long as we get the lead singer to start sleeping with the lead
singer of our new industrial Goth band, Premature Cannibalism. This way we
can get access to the cover of Tiger Beat.
AS”
That reminded me that one night in college, my friends and I were talking about what magazine we’d most likely be on the cover of. We couldn’t have input on our own magazine though. My friend Mike was given “American Cinematographer.” Craig was given “Black Entrepreneur,” mainly because we had just discovered the existence of that magazine. Al was give “The Economist” or something like that. Glen was given a tech magazine. Me? Without hesitation, all of my friends said, “Tiger Beat… yeah, for sure… definitely Tiger Beat.”

Thank You

Thanks to everyone who came out to the Baltimore Comedy Factory, Thursday-Saturday. The shows were a lot of fun.
Also, a huge thanks to everyone who came out to see me and Mike Birbiglia at Georgetown University last night. If you took pictures at the show, please send them to me at ryanconner@gmail.com . And good luck with your classes this year.
Funny blog coming tomorrow.
Smooches,
Ryan

Helicopter? No thanks.

This week:
Good stuff and bad stuff. I already wrote about the bad stuff, which was Dr. Dremos. Utter faggotry at that place (in a non-sexual way).
Monday, I did a theatre show in Sag Harbor, NY, opening for Colin Quinn. If you aren’t familiar with Sag Harbor, it’s where all the people who are too rich for the Hamptons live. It was bizarre. There were enormous yachts everywhere… even on the streets [rimshot]. In addition to the theatre having donors such as John Steinbeck, Tennessee Williams and Sidney Poitier, there were a couple other celebrity “almost encounters” that day. First, Colin was invited to play in a softball game before the show with Alec Baldwin. I assume they would have let me jump in. He declined to play. But the most bizarre thing was when we were about to leave Colin’s apartment in Manhattan, Jerry Seinfeld called and asked if we wanted to ride out there with him in a helicopter. Of course we declined. Who would want to do that?
Anyway, the theatre was awesome and the crowd was even better. Thanks to everyone who came out and thanks to Mike at the theatre for putting on the show. Hopefully I’ll see you guys again in the spring.

The crowd at the Baltimore Comedy Factory was great last night too. I missed Justin Schlegel’s set, but I’m sure he crushed. And Randy David, a new guy who I saw for the first time, did a great job for someone with his limited experience. He’ll definitely keep getting better. Keep it up Randy.
I will be there for something like 24 shows tonight and tomorrow with Baltimore’s favorite, Mickey Cuchiella. Come on out. The shows will be a lot of fun. www.baltimorecomedy.com

A Message for the audience at Dr. Dremo's tonight

I don't know if you guys were really that pretentious or just mentally retarded, but please never go to a comedy show again. You seem like a bunch of miserable people. Anyone who groans, boos or says, "That's an awful thing to say," because someone said the word "albino", needs to be shot. I don't mean figuratively either. I mean shot with a gun. Not killed, just maimed. How else am I supposed to describe someone who is albino? It's a technical term for a skin condition. That's like booing someone for saying they have a rash.
Seriously, eff you people. Eff you hard. And eff you in the face.
I was serious about the shooting thing.

Milky?

-While riding with Larry Poon (www.larrypoon.com) to Tom Myers’ DVD taping, which we’ll get to later, I was flipping around on his Sirius radio. In the middle of 150 or so stations, I stumbled upon a song called, “In Christ Alone.” It was by someone named Brian Littrell. As soon as Larry Poon saw it, he enthusiastically remarked, “Hey, that’s the guy from Backstreet Boys.” Come on Poon. Is there something you need to tell us? I think so.
In all fairness, Larry Poon got total redemption when he sent me this link http://www.myspace.com/makemeasandwichbitch
-Last Friday and Saturday, Larry Poon and I attended the Tom Myers DVD tapings in Baltimore. Halfway through the first show, Tom approached me and said, “I wanted to create something no other comic had done before. Do you think I succeeded?” My answer was a strong, “Definitely.”
These shows were amazing. Jimmy Merritt did very well. Tom delivered, as usual, receiving no less than ten standing ovations on Friday. Check him out on myspace.
The musical guests were great too. And by ‘great’, I mean some of the most awkward things I’ve ever witnessed.
The first night featured New Age Hillbilly. He was groundbreaking, which it turns out isn’t always a good thing. Before he touched any instruments, he stripped down to his boxers. If you had a body like Tom Arnold, you’d flaunt it too. Then he picked up his Squire and started playing Nirvana’s Lithium. I thought, “Okay, he’s opening on a cover. That’s safe.” Then he started screaming, “YOU GOT SHIT ON YOUR FACE. YOU BETTER GET IT OFF!” for around 3 minutes. It was hilarious. The problem is it wasn’t supposed to be.
In the next song, there was a push-up solo. What’s a push-up solo? That’s when the singer starts doing push-ups for no apparent reason.
Later in his set, a song featured a 15 second machine gun solo, in which he pretended to shoot the crowd for 15 seconds. To give you an idea of how awkward this was, imagine being forced to watch two guys rub their bare asses together.
The next song had a ten second train solo.
He closed on a guitar solo in which he played 5 power chords while shaking the guitar to give the effect that he was playing something difficult.
Once he finished, he had an awkward conversation with the emcee for about 20 seconds before the show commenced. The crowd had no idea what was going on.
The musical guest on the second night was Shelly Blake, who apparently writes protest music. The first song was called “Al Qaeda Wants Our Women.” I’m not sure what it was about. He did another song about the elusiveness of Osama Bin Laden. I recommend checking out his myspace page as well if you like awful things.
-If you want to take a Chinatown bus from NYC to DC or vice versa, don’t take Eastern Buses, unless you’re a fan of the smell of piss. I took this bus on Monday, and it didn’t just smell like there was piss on the bus. It smelled like the bus was somehow made out of piss, like there’s a new polymer that comes from piss extract. Disgusting.
The guy behind me tried to get on the bus with a ticket from a different bus line. He thought they were all affiliated because they’re all Chinese. Nothing like startingyou’re your trip with a hint of racism. When he was told that he couldn’t get on with the other ticket, he responded, “You gonna let me on that bus… I’m not trying to hit somebody. I don’t need to go to jail.”
The girl in front of me leaned forward at one point and I could see that her underwear said, “I Heart Bling.”
Time to switch buses.
-I’ve been receiving some odd comments on my blog over the past couple weeks. I have no idea what they mean. I’m terrible with word jumbles. I have a feeling the author took a lot of drama in high school or a lot of drugs. Either one. Here they are in chronological order:

You are blogolishious. Me reads your bloggy bloggy. Milk.
Hi Milky. O'Bloggo my Bloggo. You hairy hairy Milky Milky.
Hello Bloggy Bloggy. Why so Milky Milky Mr. Bloggo?
Dear Bloggo. Me have bloggy fun. You're so bloggy bloggy. Milk.
Mr. Milk, don't you bloggy bloggy today? Me no likey likey when you no bloggy bloggy.
Milk.

Who are you and what do they mean?

-If you meet a comic at a party, try not to be like a guy I met a few weeks ago.
I was introduced to him and he said, “Oh you’re a comedian? Are you a hack or something?” I said, “Yes and no.” Then he said, “I’m a musician first and a comic second.”
First, it’s probably not good to insult someone when you first meet them, especially if you know nothing about the person. Also, if you’re not a comic, you don’t need to be throwing hack around like that, because you don’t know what it means. And if you’ve never performed comedy, you probably shouldn’t call yourself a comic. Lastly, if you can play a few Metallica or Nirvana covers on guitar, that doesn’t make you a musician, it makes you a guitar hack.
Then he started asking me what kind of crowd work I do, because “good comics do a lot of crowd work.” I should have punched him in the face and walked away then. Instead I asked him what comics he likes. He named around 10 comics, none of whom do crowd work, including Brian Regan. When I told him that none of the guys he mentioned do any crowd work he denied it. He kept pressing on crowd work.
For the record, there are only three reasons anyone ever does crowd work:
1.The crowd is loud and you’re trying to get them under control.
2.You’re bored with your jokes and want to inject some spontaneity in the show.
3.You have nothing interesting to say about yourself, so you let the crowd be the show.
I hate crowd work. It bores me to death to watch or do. Who cares what Bobby in the front row does for a living, and if he’s with his wife or girlfriend? Or is he gay? Yeah, that’s it! He’s gay. They’ll laugh at that every time. Maybe you could even point to the guy with long hair and insinuate that he smokes pot. That’s always funny. Or maybe you could tell the Mexican guy, “Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen?” That’s really original.
I really hate crowd work.
-HACKS
I was just told a story about a famous comic recently calling a semi-well-known comic a hack and telling them they should stop doing comedy. I loved hearing the story. Some people just need to be told, “You’re a hack. We all know it. The laughs you get are bullshit.”
If someone just isn’t funny, no one has any right to tell them not to do open-mics. That’s like telling a guy who sucks at basketball that he can no longer play pick-up games (Frank Hong’s analogy). If they have fun doing comedy, then they should be able to do it whenever they want. But I’m sick of seeing so many hacks recently. They’re all over New York. DC didn’t used to have very many, but now it seems they’re springing up all over the place.
Last night at the DC Improv, a guy in the show did 8 straight minutes of hack jokes, including a Crocodile Hunter impression, and carried himself as if he was a legit comic. The one joke he did that wasn’t a hack premise was a joke that he stole from Jerry Thomas, another comic from DC.
This would never bother me if hacks didn’t dumb crowds down. They lower the bar. If someone does bullshit dirty stuff in front of a good, smart comic, the good comic is going to suffer, because the crowd is still going to be in the mood to hear someone talk about “What if your balls could talk… I think it’d go a little something like this…”
So far, two of the weekly winners in the Baltimore’s Funniest Person contest, have done 100% stolen jokes. They aren’t just hack premises. One guy steals from Chappelle, Mooney, Todd Rexx and lots more. The other, [insert name], steals from Dane Cook and Brian Regan usually. I also saw him do a Rob Cantrell joke in front of Rob. And the best was when I used to book the showcase at the DC Improv and he sent me a tape of him doing one of my jokes. That was priceless.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just wanted to put it out there to all the hacks that we know you’re hacks and that you need to stop it.
-I go back and forth on whether or not I like Bill Walton. One day I think he’s funny, in a sort of Samuel Beckett way. The next day, I think he’s a complete idiot. Here are a couple examples of Bill Walton quotes that have confused me.
“Robert Horry is not only a genius of the game of basketball. But he’s also a genius of the human spirit.”
I don’t know what to think when I hear that. If he’s serious, I think he may need to be fired. But if he’s joking, it could be one of the funniest things ever said.
“We live in an egalitarian meritocracy.”
Why would anyone say this during any sports broadcast? Do I find him annoying for saying it, or do I respect him for throwing around big words? I don’t know.
Walt Frazier is pretty bad too. He once said, “Eddy Curry, much to his dismay, exposes his folly.” That should never be said by anyone.
I like soccer announcers though. Because, although they say some ridiculous things, they’re always kind of fun, such as:
“Kevin Davies rises like a salmon for the opener.”
I didn’t know that salmon rise. I learned something with that statement.
“Ahh… Ronaldo… A box of toys on the run… Refreshing.”
"Tidy Goalkeeping there...”
"Now, one for Marquez, speculatively."
“A spot of dishonesty to draw the penalty.”
"Henry...a generous touch for the Barcelona faithful..."
And my all-time favorite…
"Ahh Tevez... Wondeful gale and great silkiness to his game... Marvelous to watch. "
Tell me that doesn’t make you smile.

She's all by herself and... it's a lay-up. She almost touched the backboard on that one...

-The WNBA is a joke compared to other sports leagues. It is good to have a professional basketball league for women, but it will never prosper because the level of play is somewhere between a mediocre high school boys jayvee game and a really good Special Olympics game. I’m serious.
I love horrible things, and my train-wreck interest in the WNBA peaked last week. There is a half-court indoor basketball court and weight room at my apartment complex. As I was leaving the facility last week, I noticed a sign… a sign that would change my life. It announced that the Mystics were going to have a practice or conduct a clinic from my community basketball court. Wow. It makes you think the league isn’t doing as well as the commercials suggest.
I got the days mixed up and missed the practice, so I have no first-hand accounts, but I imagine it gathered somewhere between zero and three spectators. At least there’s nowhere to go, but up.
Also, I just found out that one of the Mystics lives two doors down from me. Weird.
-Watch this video of Jamie Foxx on Erin Jackson’s website. Hilarious. www.erinjackson.net
-If you go to a party that’s BYOB, make sure you stay in the neighborhood of the beverage that you brought. If you brought Sierra Mist and Sun Chips, you can’t touch the Absinthe. That’s just how it works.
-I’m Catholic.
I did an awful fundraiser show for St. Mary’s Catholic School in April. Out of respect for the school, I decided not to talk about the show until now. But they have told the booker of the show that they hated me. So…
It was absolutely terrible… one of the worst nights of my life. The crowd was 90% white trash and 10% normal. I was co-headlining with a complete hack that stole jokes from every famous black comedian ever. He obviously killed. I think he was wearing a snakeskin suit.
Because it was for a Catholic school, I was told that any foul language would be prohibited (as well as any subject matter that could be interpreted as socially progressive), however it was cool for the other comic to do dirty sex jokes for the duration of his set, as long as he used clean words. And I don’t know if it was suggested or if he made the decision himself, but on stage he sounded like a pimp, while off-stage he sounded like Bryant Gumble. That’s neither here nor there.
Here’s the ironic part of their “keep it God-like” rule: It was held in a gun club. Yes, a gun club. I didn’t know that such clubs existed. They do. Also, there was a bar and everyone in the crowd got trashed and drove home. But I wasn’t allowed to say, “piss.” I guess I shouldn’t have expected more from a place that uses class time to talk about the “homosexual agenda” and the evils of birth control.
Public school or secular school. Do it.
To make the night even worse, I stopped at a Bojangle’s close to the gun club. When I was pulling out someone tried to box me in for an apparent car jacking. Instinct kicked in and I thought back to all of my Spy Hunter skills, and I was able to escape, without using all of my Smoke Screen.
-In college, I made a mock-umentary about a horrible rap group with some friends. My friend Quincy and I played the lead roles. I just found a piece of paper with some lyrics scribbled on it that we didn’t end up using. It contained the line, “My rhymes are sick like Magic Johnson.”
Edgy.

No, What's Your Real Name?

-Yesterday afternoon, as I was walking to my car, I passed a neighbor. We made eye contact. So, I said, “Hey. How’s it going?” She replied, “Fine. At least I don’t have to poop.”
I should have asked her what she meant by that, but I didn’t want to have a conversation with someone who would say that to a stranger. Why would anyone want strangers to know their poop schedule? More importantly, why would she say that to me? Does she have IBS and thinks that everyone knows about it? Is she out of toilet paper and assumes that I’m aware of it? Is she miles from her home, car broken down and afraid of using public restrooms? I will never understand why this woman told me that.
-When talking to a couple of my brothers who are in elementary school, they mentioned weird names of some of their classmates, including: Mister Mister (yes, like the band), Remy Martin, Moet and Mobean.
This reminded me of when I was a substitute teacher. I did it for about 3 or 4 years before I started comedy. Every single day, I would mess up the pronunciation of some kid’s name and he or she would get mad at me. But the names were always ridiculous. You can’t blame me for pronouncing the silent P, if your name is Stevep. That’s not my fault. That’s your mother’s fault.
Because of substitute teaching, I now think that communities should be able to veto the names of its newborns. You want to name your kid Rusty Kuntz (actual baseball player)? Nope. Not while I’m in the Homeowners Association.

One day in particular stood out when subbing. I had a total of 60 students on this day and 17 of them had ridiculous names. Of course I wrote them down. This day has since been referred to as simply: All-Star Day.
All of the kids were American. Here are the names (I’m not making any of these up):
Antonnettta – You read it correctly… three Ts in a row.
Benicia
MeLaura – What’s your name? Me Laura. What you name? Me Ryan
Otto – Who names their kid Otto? His parents must have used a name book from the twenties.
Shawntaya – An overall shitty name.
Sierra – Don’t name your kid after mountains or an African country, or any country.
Clayton – Otto’s brother
Bounder – As in “one who bounds things.” My favorite. Synonyms: Jumper, Leaper
Kavoisiee – I messed this one up really badly. It’s actually pronounced “Courvosier.”
Capricia – The feminine version of everyone’s favorite family sedan/cop car, The Caprice Classic
Shiresee – No comment
Raina – I don’t know what her parents were going for with this one.
Lottie – A close second to Bounder.
Taija Diggs – The feminine version of Taye Diggs.
Darjene
Zully – Third Place. He probably rules an underworld of some kind.
Kingsley – Would be acceptable if he was Jamaican. He was a white guy.
Zenaida

My two all-time favorite bad names were in my friend Quincy’s class. We subbed at the same time. These were at a middle school in 2003, so the kids were born in 1990.
Second Place: Zebulon Jones. It sounds like the name of Superman’s nemesis. But I assume he was named after DeForest Covan’s character in “Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens”.
The Grand Prize goes to Arsenio Hall. There is a 16-year-old kid in Woodbridge, VA who is named Arsenio Hall. The best part is that he has no idea how funny it is because he’s too young. Quincy said that every teacher would laugh when they said his name, but none of the students were old enough to understand how funny it is. Only time will tell how many parents have named their child Fiddy in the last 3 years. Let’s hope millions.

You have 6? You're gonna want to stay.

I had planned on writing about my trip to Atlantic City with Jon Mumma and Larry Poon a couple weeks ago, but Jon has already done so, quite thouroughly. Here is his account from www.jonmumma.com (Larry Poon=Tony Graczyk)
“I celebrated the week by taking a roadtrip to Atlantic City on Monday. Accompanying me were friends Tony "hit me" Gracyk and Ryan "blackjack" Conner. Upon arrival, we decided to hit the boardwalk for lunch. I quickly spotted a Johnny Rockets and suggested we eat there. Unfortunately, Ryan and Tony spotted a $6.95 buffet and my suggestion was ousted. you may be wondering what a $6.95 buffet looks like; the answer is, a retirement community. There was no air conditioning and the food was probably the worst I've ever eaten, it was disgusting. We took turns sampling the variety of foods, which included: meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, salmon cakes, sausage, barbecue ribs, barbecue chicken, carrots, potatoes, corn, and potato salad. You may be thinking, "Come on, Jon, that sounds pretty good." If you were thinking that, you are wrong. We kept competing to see who could eat the grossest food; Tony was well in the lead with a salmon cake and sausage dish which nearly made him vomit. But, right at the end of the meal, Ryan took the blue ribbon with some steamed carrots. We all tried them and all agreed that they were the worst thing any of us had ever eaten. To make matters worse, the lack of AC was making us all sick. I looked over at Tony and his shirt was drenched with sweat. I looked at Ryan and his face was beat red and sweat was dripping onto his plate of mush. The craziest thing was the fact that all these old people were oblivious to the taste. I looked around and saw tables of old folks gobbling down these salmon cakes which clearly were not made with salmon. Amazing. I've never walked into a buffet and then walked out 30 minutes later, 5 pounds lighter. Seriously, we were so dehydrated that we should probably have had IVs administered.

We made our way to the casino where we were surrounded by more old people. We spent the next 4 hours playing blackjack. Nothing much to tell here...we all had our moments where we felt like Sammy Farha but in the end, we all lost money. Fortunatey, we didn't take much money into the casino so we chalked it up as a win. Ryan taught me his blackjack strategy on the way to the casino but once there, I still asked him what I should do on just about every hand. At one point, I leaned over and showed him my hand. He took a look at the cards and then said, "I'd stay." So I stayed...on a 2 and a 4. The dealer flipped over the cards, exposing my six. He exclaimed, "what! you can't win with a six!" The guy next to me called me a douchbag and the lady next to him called me a douchebag in spanish. Thanks Ryan. I asked him why he told me to stay and he told me that he was thinking "hit," but "stay" is what came out of his mouth. I believed him.”

The only thing that I would like to add is that I found something even nastier than the carrots. It was a fried disc. When I picked it up, I honestly had no idea what it was. I only knew that it was breaded. So, I cut it open. By appearance and smell alone, I couldn’t tell if it was fish or a cousin of the hush puppy. So, I took a bite… still couldn’t tell if it was bread or fish. That’s not good. Also, the meatloaf looked like fruitcake.
And a couple things from the casino that I would like to add: We were playing single deck blackjack, which is why no one else saw Jon’s cards when he had the 4 and 2. The dealer was showing a 4. He turned to me and said, “Hit or double down.” I swear I wasn’t trying to make him look stupid, but without hesitation I said, “Stay.” Then I nodded at him as if I was saying, “We got ‘em.” I think the guy next to him really did call him a douche. Jon’s response to that: high-five him ten times in the next five minutes.


-I think New York City is a fun place. It has more opportunities than any place in the world. But just like any other place or situation, it has upsides and downsides. It would be easy to acknowledge its shortcomings, which would make them acceptable. But New Yorkers refuse to admit they exist. I think every person who lives in New York, thinks it’s the best city in the world for everything. They honestly think that the rest of the world relies on New York for everything.
For example, here’s a real conversation with a guy from The Bronx that I made up.
Me: I just got a new suitcase.
Him: Hmmm… You should’ve asked me about it first. The zipper reinforcements are too weak.
Me: How do you know so much about suitcases?
Him: I’m from New York. It’s the suitcase capital of the world.
Note: Any noun can be substituted for suitcase.

A couple weeks ago, I took a boat tour around Manhattan, which was a prime example of this New York-centric attitude that I hate. The tour guide pointed out everything we passed on the three-hour tour and either made up facts about them or slanted the truth tremendously.
Examples:
-“The Brooklyn Bridge is supported by thousands of cables, much like the cables used in elevators. If it wasn’t for the Brooklyn Bridge, we wouldn’t have any buildings in the world over six stories tall.”
Really??? We wouldn’t have figured it out by now??? The technology was already there. The Brooklyn Bridge just happened to premier the technology.
-I don’t remember what hospital we passed, but he called it, “The best heart hospital in the world.”
How about, “One of the leading hospitals…”?
-“Harlem is the center of African American culture, not only in New York, but for the entire world. It is also the home of Jazz greats, such as Duke Ellington.”
The entire world? That implies that there are African Americans all over the world. They are only in America, hence “American”, you jackass. I wouldn’t say it’s the culture center for the United States now either. Also, Duke Ellington is from DC. He lived in Harlem for a while. That’s it.
-“This is High Bridge. Edgar Allan Poe lived nearby and used to spend a lot of time on this bridge. Some people say that his ghost still haunts the bridge.”
Poe was born in Boston, was raised in Richmond, lived his adult life and died in Baltimore. If you google, “Edgar Allan Poe High Bridge Manhattan”, no results suggest that his ghost haunts it. The only reference is that he mentioned taking midnight walks across it while in NY.
-“DNA coding was cracked at Rockefeller University.”
Not true at all. They were leaders in DNA research in the 1920s. That’s it.
-“If it wasn’t for this hill, we would have lost the revolutionary war.”
You can’t be serious.
-“Because of New York’s water treatment facilities, The Hudson River is cleaner now than when Hudson arrived in 1599, because of the Iroquois naturally polluting the river.”
He’s insinuating that Iroquois shit (a few thousand people) is dirtier that industrial waste(millions of people). Wow. That must be why you can’t get in the water now. It’s the lingering Iroquois shit. It’s so dirty.
-“Soccer was first played in North America in New York City in 1933.”
That is completely made up as well. It was the first professional game in the United States.
-“Alexander Hamilton founded the New York Times.”
That’s amazing, because he died 47 years before the newspaper was founded. Not even Tupac is that productive in the afterlife. According to this guy, Hamilton’s only rival in post-mortem accomplishments is Jesus.