Keith Olberman

Here is a video from his show. Someone sent it to me on myspace. It's about the Clinton interview on Fox News.
click here

Hey Natrone, do you have a twin?

-A guy has been walking through my neighborhood late at night trying to get in people’s cars to rob them. He’s tried to get me three times, with the most recent episode being last night. He looks extremely shady… dirty, baggy sweatpants, t-shirt riddled with holes, smells like liquor, and looks a lot like Natrone Means, the former San Diego Chargers star. He always has the worst stories to get me to allow him in my car, and his eyes always scan the inside of the car during the conversation. My favorite was when I was leaving the grocery store next to my apartment, and the blocked my car. I rolled down my window partially and the following exchange occurred:
“Hey man. I locked my keys in my car, and I need a ride somewhere. I tried to ask other people, but white people won’t listen to me…”
“I doubt it’s a race thing, but what’s going on?”
“I got groceries and when I came out, I had locked my keys in the car. [points to woman] That’s my wife over there. I just need a ride to my sister’s house. She has a key.”
The woman he pointed to got into someone else’s car, presumably her real husband.
“Why doesn't your sister come here?"
"She isn't home."
"How are you going to get in her house? Never mind. So, you got your groceries, and came out and your keys were in your car?”
“Yeah. I just need some help.”
“Why don’t you take a cab, or the bus?”
“I don’t have any money.”
“How did you buy groceries and where are they? Didn’t you need money for that?”
“Come on man, just give me a ride.”
“Take the bus. It’s $1.50”
There are multiple buses that stop about 50 feet from where we were.
“So, you’re not going to let me into your car.”
“No, but good luck.”
I started driving away and he yelled, “Ain’t you gonna give me some money for the bus?”
I stopped and gave him $2, then drove off.
This happened three months ago, and he still hasn’t changed his story. He told me the almost exact same story last night. The only difference was that it was right in front of my building. I asked a neighbor if she’d seen this guy before, and she said that he always tells her that his car got towed and he needs a ride to get his car.
Come on Natrone, get a better story, then maybe people will allow you to rob them.
-If you own a restaurant that serves Buffalo Wings and chicken strips, but does not serve Buffalo Strips, I hope your restaurant closes down tomorrow. Numerous studies have concluded that Buffalo Strips are the tastiest thing on the planet. Numerous other studies have also concluded that all you have to do to make them is put Buffalo sauce on the strips. That’s it. Very little science is involved. It's only a matter of pouring the sauce on different pieces of chicken.
Also, if you own a restaurant who serves Buffalo Wings and chicken strips, and does not serve Buffalo Strips, AND you refuse to give me a side of Buffalo Sauce with my chicken strips, then I will not revisit your establishment, Giorgio’s [something] Diner in Hell’s Kitchen.
-I saw a wannabe thug on the NYC Subway, a “studio gangsta” as Easy-E would say, wearing a shirt that said “Double Trouble” and it had a picture of Chucky and Bride of Chucky, both covered in diamonds. Needless to say, I was frightened. I don't like trouble, much less double trouble.
-Erik Estrada is on a commercial for a cheap land in northwest Arkansas. While he’s on screen, text appears that says, “Star of television’s Chips,” as if it’s a current show. Look for it.
-The best kept secret in North America: You can substitute pancakes for toast at IHOP. Yes, you can trade two pieces of bread for an additional meal. You’re welcome America.
-Coming tomorrow… Eastern Buses: Heroes or Villains? You Decide!

clips on myspace

Hey. How are you? That's good.
I just uploaded a sketch onto my myspace page from the Labor Day Poonanza and Cakewalk. You can view it here.

Curious

To Any Scientists Who May Read My Blog,
I'm wondering what percentage of people who smoke menthol cigarettes also don't listen to rap music. I'm guessing it's somewhere around 0.063%. I don't understand the correlation, but it's there.
Thoughts?

If you have ever been a professional wrestling fan at any point in your life, watch this interview:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIno55dIMWE
It's from the Smokey Mountain Wrestling association/league or whatever. It is so bad, it's amazing. It features three tag teams talking trash to each other. The team names are The Heavenly Bodies, The Stud Stable, and everyone's favorite, The Rock 'n' Roll Express aka The Meth Addicts (according to Larry Poon). There's also someone named Beautiful Bobby. For people who are most likely very homophobic, those names sure are gay. These guys are also extremely out of shape. And the interviews take place in front of wood panelled walls, much like a grandmother's basement in the 70s.
So, if you want to hear lines like, "Arn's the type of guy who can look up a bull's butt and tell you the price of butter," then do yourself a favor and watch this video.

Here is another video of a one-on-one interview with Ricky Morton of the Rock 'n' Roll Express. It may be better than the other one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI3xQ2kXts8&mode=related&search=

This one isn't very funny

-Updates
I just got a new laptop that is a monster. So, I will be able to update my blog much more frequently. Over the past few months, I've only been able to do it from home. Because of this, I have a few new website features planned, including videos and drawing contests... you'll see what I'm talking about in a few days.
I had a good week of shows in NYC over past few days. On Sunday, I was at Caroline's with Bill Burr. Great show. Bill Burr has to be the best comic working today. He's unbelievable and he did about 40 minutes of material that was written in the last 4 months. Check out his myspace page. It contains a video of an Opie and Anthony sponsored show he did in Philadelphia. The crowd was full of idiots and he yelled at them for 10-12 minutes without stopping. http://www.myspace.com/billburr
After the Burr show, I was at the Comedy Cellar in what would be two nights in a row at the famous club. That club is amazing. If you're in New York, go there.
On Tuesday, I have an audition for the Aspen Comedy Festival at the New York Improv. I made it to the final stages of the Montreal auditions a few months ago. At the time, I had no idea how to do audition sets. I think I have it figured out now though. So, I'm pretty optimistic about this show. Doing a lot of shows in NYC has helped me tighten all of my material.
I won Week 2 of my Fantasy Football league. I needed the Jaguars to shutout the Steelers, and they did. Hooray. Hasidic Piss is 1-1, and plans on taking down The Karen McDougal Sweepstakes this week. I realize that no one cares about this.
I'm working on a lot of new jokes and re-writing some old ones now. I think they're funny. People who've been at Dr. Dremos over the past two months would not agree.
-Now, onto funny/hopefully funny stuff.
Last weekend, my youngest brother, who is 10, was talking about my cousin's recent trip to Asia. This brother is really funny. Every day he says something hilarious, on accident. Two previous statements were:
“If you keep calling me a snitch, I'm telling mom.”
and
My mom was telling someone that they were going to L.A. for something. And he said, “I thought you said we're going to California.” My mom said, “We'll go there too.”
Last weekend, while he was talking about my cousin's trip to Asia and the things that he brought back, he said, “Chandler (my cousin) got a samurai night gown.”
I said, “What? Samurai's don't wear night gowns. What are you talking about?”
“Uh huh. It's a samurai night gown.” Then he referenced a cartoon that I've never heard of.
Then my mom said, “It's a silk bath robe. It has nothing to do with samurais. He keeps calling it that for some reason.”
I want to know where he came up with that term.
-I put a video up on my myspace page. It's kind of old, and I don't really like it, but I needed to put something up.
-Open letter to the comic who performed at Topaz two weeks ago,
I'm sorry about what I previously wrote. It sounded like you were insulting me, but what you said in the comment makes sense. I apologize. Also, your set wasn't actually awkward. I was kidding about that and assumed you didn't read this, and no one would know who I was talking about.
It's about a different person who was there on the same night, but read Joe Robinson's blog about the nasty woman with the see-through shirt at http://www.joerobinsoncomedy.com

fin

TV

I'm watching Midnight Money Madness on TBS now. It's so bad, it's unbelievable. It's on until 2:15 AM. If you're near a TV, turn in on now.

Pope

Do he and Terrell Owens share a publicist or something? TO is one of my favorite players, and he is villified in the media for nothing. He's a model citizen playing among dozens of convicted felons (Randy Moss hit a cop with his car) and he's made to look like Gargamel.
Now, the Pope is getting screwed by the media. In a speech about religious tolerance, he quoted a medieval emperor to show a ridiculous point of view. Now, people are acting like it was his thought. There are two unusual things about this. Neither are the media taking something out of context and causing global outrage.
1) Religious figures say hateful, ignorant things about Islam very often. None of them have received international death threats. (For example, these people: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RNfL6IVWCE)
2) The quote used by the Pope cited Islam as "violent" religion. Now the extremists who are most offended are threatening to kill the Pope. Irony, anyone?

Correction

In response to my friend Al's comment on my last blog, I need to clear something up. I stated that he has weird eating habits and possibly made him look like a freak. However, I think I made myself look like a bigger tool (no pun intended), by confessing that I watched a one-hour special on shovels. Nevertheless, in his defense, he has the following things going for him:
1. He's the smartest person in the entire world. He really does know everything. I've seen him watch multiple episodes of Jeopardy and answer every question (or question every answer, depending how into Jeopardy you are) correctly before the contestants have a chance to buzz in.
2. He's a cool guy to hang out with.
3. He's one of only two people in the world that I can accurately impersonate. The other is Borat.
4. He can curl 55 pounds on each arm like it's nothing.

That's it.

Gameplayerstrionics

Three quick things, then a full-length blog tomorrow...
-I was listening to an interview with Donovan McNabb on ESPN radio on Sunday. He's always struck me as a smart guy. Then he said, "We'll do well this year, because we're a team that values teammanship."
What???? My friend, Jim, and I looked at each other, like, "What did he say?" Then there was a 10 second pause as we were trying to figure out what he could have possibly meant. Then Jim said, "Ohh... I think he meant teamwork." That would make sense, but where did he get teammanship. It's impossible to accidentally say that. It's not like he got two words mixed up and it came out wrong. That can't be the case, because none of those three words, team, man, and ship, go together. Never. Teamman? No. Manship? No, but I think they should. Teamship? No. I guess shipman works, but that has nothing to do with football.
Going back to the NBA draft, I think the announcers would have said, "“He is not good with testing... does not do well on tests."
-My friend Al now drinks chickens. He has always had a strange diet. It consists solely of burgers, steaks, chicken breasts, French bread, baked potatoes, fries, Tastee Cakes and cheese pizza. It is devoid of all condiments. And Cajun Seasoning is the only acceptable flavor for his meat. He has never eaten fruit, ketchup, or anything like that.
While we were hanging out last Friday, around 4AM, he went into the kitchen to get a drink. He came back with something that I assumed was herbal tea. So, I said something like, "Wow, you're drinking herbal tea, that's a big step." He replied, "No, it's chicken broth." He was drinking it like Kool-Aid. He now drinks it every day now with dinner and considers it a legitimate beverage (as if it's chicken flavored Kool-Aid), not liquid meat, which it actually is. He washes his burger and fries dinners down with liquid chicken, then has another cup before bed.
So, to the parents and future parents reading this, this is why you let your kids cut the grass when they're growing up. If you don't, one day, they'll drink chickens, and that's gross. Come on, Al. Stop it.
-People reference movies and TV shows that I've never seen quite frequently. Last night, I realized why I'm never up to date on pop-culture. While the rest of America was watching Project Runway or whatever was on last night, I was watching a show on The History Channel about Shovels, which you can buy on DVD here:
http://store.aetv.com/html/product/index.jhtml?id=76076
I thought one particular rice shovel looked really cool. It had sharp teeth and a long ergonomic handle. I started to pick up my phone to call a friend to tell him about it. It was at that exact moment that I realized I'm probably not a lot of fun to hang out with.

More Band Names

I found the master list of the bands that my friend, Al, and I have formed. Here is the unabridged list, with minimal descriptions. *=one of my favorites.
*Hasidic Piss
*ThunderHole
*Jierry Fjord Clinic
Coconut Junction
*Fisted AIDS SHIT
*Haze Code
The Drugs
*State Sponsored Sodomy
Lunchbuckets
Crevas
Hot Cooter
*Vintage LaCock
Standpiipe
The Canteloupe Divas
*Premature Cannibalism
Turbine Overload
Thunderbrew
*Baby Wedge Feet -may be my new favorite
The Nuclear Standard
*Medicated Plastics Inc.
*Caligula's Grotto
Bern Thorpe
*Collect Call to Satan
*The Karen McDougal Sweepstakes
*40 Bakers and a Pool - play on 40 Acres and a Mule
German Cornbread
Jeremiah's Pledge
Force Fed Glass
Saturday Night Slut
War and Piece
Good Vibrations and a Pack of AAs
*Rape Knight -Should be an umlat over the "a", but I don't know how to do that.
Just Fister
Shitty Copters
Coup Deux
*Coup Deux Too - Coup Deux cover band
*Meticulous Petting
Noise in a Can

Parallel Jim

-Good luck to Rory Scovel during his two-month Canadian tour.

-While hanging out at the Comedy Cellar after the show on Monday with comics who definitely didn’t read my last blog entry, someone said that I look like River Phoenix if he didn’t die. Then someone said they could definitely picture me on the cover of Tiger Beat. What the hell is that? I just wrote last week about my friends telling me that several years ago. I think that of all the magazines in the world (and newsletters), Tiger Beat is probably the last cover I would want to grace. Here are the Top 5 and Bottom 5 on my list:

Top 5:
1. O
2. Black Entrepreneur
3. Stand-Up Comedy Biennial Super Magazine
4. Space Travel Weekly
5. Pro Wrestling Monthly
Bonus # 6. Highlights

Bottom 5:
5. Shotgun News
4. NRA Monthly Newsletter
3. Teen Beat
2. Any magazine having to do with man on man porn.
1. Tiger Beat

-Season 3 of Arrested Development is now in stores. Buy it.

-I’ve decided that I would pay $500 to see The Arcade Fire in concert. That’s my new way of describing bands… “Hey Ryan, do you like The Eagles?” I’d pay $10 max to see them. That includes gas money. See, I think that’s much more effective than just saying I don’t like them. It quantifies the situation.

-I had a fantasy football draft last weekend for a league in which I will definitely finish last. I couldn’t be there for the live draft, so I had to do my picks via phone while at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. I’m not really into Fantasy Football, but I’m addicted to competing in anything – eating, legit sports, anything… That’s what happens when you have 11 brothers; everything is a competition. Back on track… Doing a draft via phone, while surrounded by people who aren’t doing a fantasy draft, makes you realize how dorky it is. If there wasn’t a ball and tackling involved, it would be just as bad at Dungeons and Dragons, if not worse.
While I don’t really know what I’m doing in Fantasy Football (I have no idea how scoring works), my friend Jim knew absolutely nothing about any sport until two weeks ago. I’ve known him for over 8 years, and my friends and I have always played a game called, “Kick Jim’s Self-Esteem in the Nuts.” It’s a game in which we name any professional athlete, and Jim has to guess what sport he plays. If by chance he picks the right sport, the next step is picking which team he plays on. The odds of him getting that right are never higher than 1 out of 29. Sometimes we even name a team and have him guess which sport. He’s that clueless. The reason I’m bringing this up is because his fantasy football team is going to destroy my team. It’s depressing. He didn’t know who Terrell Owens is until two weeks ago, and at the draft, he turned to my friend Al and said, “Hey, do you know when Lamont Jordan’s bye-week is?” If he ends up beating me in this league, I may have to retire from being a guy. It will be a sad moment. I will post our results on my blog each week.

-In one of my soccer leagues a couple weeks ago, my brother and a guy from the other team were going for a 50-50 ball and the guy was pushing him with an extended arm, so my brother stretched to poke the ball out of bounds. When he did so, the push knocked him down, under the other guy. The guy thought my brother did a slide tackle from behind, and took a swing at the back of my brother’s head. It was a very vaginal swing, much like that of a 5-year-old girl with ms. Even if he did connect, it probably wouldn’t have hurt. I was right there so I pushed the guy away from my brother. The guy got a red card and kept coming after my brother, while he was calm, trying to figure out why the guy was so mad. The whole time he was being forced off the field, he was threatening my brother. The kicker came after the game, when we found out the guy is a Fairfax County Police Officer. So, don’t slide tackle cops in Fairfax or they will swing at you like a small, disabled girl. It’s a good thing they have weapons.

- Unsolicited Advice for Comics:
I saw a NYC open-mic for the first time on Tuesday. It was unbelievable how different and unproductive it was when compared to DC open-mics. If you’re an open mic comic who is considering moving to NYC, don’t do it. Work on your act in another city so that when you get to NYC, you won’t need to do open mics.
It was dreadful. Only a couple people, out of 20, seemed to realize that open mics are for developing material. Everyone else went up and yelled at the crowd about rape, hating Jesus, or hating successful comics. One girl went on a rant about how unfunny Will Ferrell is. I had never met anyone who didn’t find Will Ferrell hilarious before then. So, stay in DC, San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, or anywhere but NYC until you’re ready. It seemed like it would be impossible to improve at one of those shows.

-There is a show on TBS called “Midnight Money Madness.” I think it comes on at midnight. You have to watch this show. It is highly likely that it’s the worst game show ever. Tomorrow, I will give a run-down of an episode that I saw.

Damien Rice

This is one of the best live videos I've ever seen. If you're a Damien Rice fan, you have to watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEV5WSBmhIA