Awesome-saurus

-I wrote the below blog and Saturday and forgot to publish it. My bad.
Before you get to it, I would like to remind everyone that the NBA season begins tonight (I call it Ryan Conner Christmas).Words can't express how excited I get for opening night.
Every now and then, I'll read about a celebrity who likes the same team as me. I'm such a big Bulls fan that I have annoyed my family about them for 20 years. The Smashing Pumpkins are my favorite band, and I treat them like Evangelicals treat Jesus. If I had a dollar for every time I've said, “Have you accepted the Pumpkins as your band and saviour,” I'd have a dollar. So, I thought it was cool when I found out that Billy Corgan is a Bulls fan and season ticket holder. I don't know how I feel about the latest celebrity Bulls fan though. He's a little less likable. It's actually North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il. Sure, he's pretty famous and wears great sunglasses, but he also currently has about 200,000 prisoners of conscience in concentration camps awaiting their death (If you want to read a great memoir about this, pick up “The Aquariums of Pyongyang”). So, I'm not sure how I feel about him being a Bulls fan. I guess The Great Leader is just a fan of good team defense.
Now, the blog...
It's Saturday morning, and I'm in the Denver airport now, waiting to fly back to DC. I performed at the Colorado School of Mines yesterday. Their mascot is Ore Diggers, in case you're wondering.
Thanks to everyone at the school for coming to the show. And thanks to the student activities people, Eric, Becky, Chuck, and Kevin, for hanging out post-show.
Nothing in the last 24 hours has been okay. Everything has either been great or awful, starting from my departure from DC yesterday.
Event 1: While waiting in the security line in DC, I began to smell burning rubber. Since no one was panicking for the first 5 minutes, I thought maybe I forgot what burning rubber smelled like, and I was actually smelling Cinnabon. Then every security checkpoint closed for 40 minutes due to an electrical fire in the ceiling in my terminal. Awesome, considering my flight was scheduled to leave in 30 minutes. When I finally got through security I found that the fire was at my gate. This caused an extra 30 minutes of delay.
VERDICT: AWFUL.
Event 2: While waiting for the plane to begin boarding, one of the airline officials announced that all passengers could watch Direct TV for free because of the delay. Most passengers took it in stride. I think we we're all happy, but you don't want to get too excited about saving five bucks. Or do you? Five women, all with 1990-1992 haircuts, began to scream like they were the next contestants on The Price is Right. My gut reaction was to think, “What are they, Mormons?” We'll come back to that.
One of the women was holding a pizza box from California Pizza Kitchen like it was a book. Was she indiscriminate about the state of her pizza, or was she saving the box because it was colorful? Only God knows that one. I think Adam Smith might have a hunch as well.
While in the tunnel (does anyone know what they're called?) to the plane, the women start talking about their last names. One woman said, “People always mispronounce my last name.” Someone asked how to pronounce it. I wish I was making this up, but she said, “Limerick.” Then all the other woman started saying it like they had just learned how to say “Where are the bathrooms?” in a foreign language. The Limerick lady interrupted and said, “You know, like 'There once was a man from Nantucket...'” All five women laughed hysterically at this, for some reason.
Then one of the women said, “I once dated a guy whose last name was W-E-I-N-E-R. I wanted to be etiquette (which isn't a valid phrase), so I pronounced it 'Winer'. But he said, 'No, it's [she whispers] Weiner.'” The women all cackled for a bit, then started mouthing “Weiner” to each other. But no sound was coming out of their mouths. They thought they were being naughty, I guess.
Once we were on the plane, another passenger asked if they were sisters. Of course they howled at that, and one said, “No, we're co-workers. But we are from Salt Lake City, so I guess we could be sisters.”
I knew they were Mormons.
VERDICT: MORMONY
Event 3: While watching Direct TV on my flight, I watched a softball interview with Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, on Fox News. They didn't have CNN. When asked about the timing of the “These are the stakes” ad, which is airing nationwide, he claimed it isn't a political ad. He said, “These are the words of the terrorists, not the administration.” And claimed that it is just laying out the facts... which is a political answer. The cabinet is supposed to be apolitical. You decide if it's a political, fear mongering ad. It depicts Bin Laden and other Al-Qaeda figures talking about how they want to kill Americans on American soil, and that “the worst is yet to come.” Then it says “These are the stakes... This ad was brought to you by the Republican National Committee.” How is that not political? I guess it's just a fact now that Democrats want Al-Qaeda to kill Americans on American soil.
The interviewer accepted his answer with a smile and had no follow up. Fair and balanced?
What a douche.
VERDICT: Awful
Event 4: I had a buffalo burger at my hotel.
VERDICT: GREAT
Event 5: While walking to my show, my iPod broke for the second time in three months.
VERDICT: Awful.
Event 6: The show.
VERDICT: Fun.
Event 7: In one of the greatest experiences of my life, I saw Triceratops tracks. They are on the campus of the school. It's amazing. You walk behind Greek row, and there are dinosaurs. I couldn't believe it. The weird thing is that no one else was looking at them when I was. I thought there would always be a huge crowd around them. But I think Coloradoans are numb to the fact that they have dinosaurs everywhere because they've always lived near them. Come on Colorado, wake up and look at the dinosaurs. This might be the biggest case of taking something for granted that I've ever encountered. If I lived near dinosaurs, every conversation I would have would be about them. They would all start, “Hey, how about those dinosaurs, huh?” And if the conversation ever strayed from dinosaurs, I would bring it back. I'm a big fan of dinosaurs.
VERDICT: Incredible.
Event 8: I saw a white guy, a very white guy, doing “Gin and Juice” at a karaoke thing. It was magnificent. He was the guy in every Eddie Griffin joke about white people. I will be acquiring video of this soon.
VERDICT:AMAZING.
Event 9: When going through security in Denver, my toothpaste and hand lotion were confiscated because they were over three ounces each. The toothpaste was 3.1 and the lotion was 3.3. I never imagined to good hygiene could pose a security threat. I'm also #43 on Homeland Securities' list of Least Threatening Humans. What could possibly go wrong with those extra four tenths of an ounce that I have? This is easily the stupidest security measure anyone in the world has ever taken. What ever happened to common sense?
VERDICT: Awesome.
Event 10: This airport has no free WiFi, so I have to upload this when I get home.
VERDICT: Gay.

Blacksmiths

I think "Strike while the iron is hot" is the only blacksmithing phrase that made it into our modern lexicon. "The whistle don't toot in the morning" came close, but didn't quite make it.
Now that I think of it, I don't think any of the other "smithing" professions got any phrases into our vocabulary. So, if anyone asks, blacksmiths ARE better than silversmiths. The ages-old argument is over.

Doug the Helicopter Pilot in Stores!

Sorry to name-drop, but my good friend Doug Powell has a new album. Doug the Helicopter Pilot, "drops" today.
It is hilarious, as he is a hilarious comedian. Buy it at Best Buy, Amazon.com, or a different store.
My iPod is on shuffle, and "Pumps and a Bump" just came on. I have to go now.

Two Weeks Until My Site is Finished

Here is an interesting article, covering a Sandra Day O'Connor speaking engagement at Georgetown.

Finally...

Everyone is talking about it. It's that time of year again. I've put off the email requests as long as I could and now it's time to make it official. I now present to you my 2006 Deodorant Power Rankings and buying guide.

1. Speed Stick 24/7 Cool Fusion – After spending a few years as a has-been in the hygiene world, Speed Stick has made a Keifer Sutherland-esque return to the top. No deodorant comes close to Speed Stick 24/7 in effectiveness or scent. It also will never stain a shirt, whether you use the blue stick or the white stick.
2. Old Spice Red Zone – Red Zone is far above the rest of the pack in all areas. It lasts as long as Speed Stick 24/7 and has competetive scents. My only complaint is that it has stained a gym shirt or two. Also, Brian Urlacher endorses this product. I like that a lot.
3. Old Spice High Endurance – This is a great deodorant as well, but I don't understand why they continue to make it. It is essentially Red Zone Jr. This is the deodorant for you, if you don't want to fork over the extra 8 cents for Red Zone.
4.Mitchum Gel – For years, I noticed Mitchum on the shelves, but never gave it a try. However, recently I noticed that their slogan is “So effective you can skip a day.” I figured that you can't just go around making that claim if you can't back it up. So, I bought the gel, which is unscented. I naturally smell like jelly beans, so that didn't bother me.
After using Mitchum for about a month, I can attest that their slogan is true. I've done it twice. So, why isn't Mitchum higher up on the list? Because it's so effective that it scares me. It has triple the active ingredient of its competitors. That just sounds dangerous. I noticed yesterday that it bleached the armpits of one of my shirts. If they back off a little bit on the effectiveness, they're at the top of the list. In the meantime, the fear of it causing me to get armpit cancer, will keep it at number four.
5. Axe – Worked well and smelled good. Negatives: The stick is short and it crumbled all over Andy Kline's bathroom floor when I had about an inch left. Don't try to make that last sentence sound gay.
6. Mitchum Roll-On – I had to try the roll-on after using the gel. I had never used a roll-on prior to this because I don't have a vagina, so it was a new experience. Surprisingly, the roller doesn't pull hair. So, that's a plus. The downsides are that it is wet. With a roll-on, you are putting a liquid on to prevent future liquids, and I don't like that one bit.
7. Degree – I've never used Degree, but my research team has sent me a thorough report. It smells good and works well, but it stains shirts.
8. Brut- Brut is great deodorant to wear to a Barry Manilow concert.
9. Arrid – I've never tried this one due to it looking like welfare deodorant.
10.Arm and Hammer – An awesome deodorant if you want to smell like mothballs.
11. Adidas – When Adi Dassler founded Adidas, I don't think he ever envisioned that they would ever enter the hygiene market..There's a time and a place for Adidas to make deodorant. They are neither 2006 nor Earth.
12. Right Guard – Awful. Just awful. Doesn't work. Smells weird. Stains cloths. If you buy Right Guard gel, your penis should be confiscated at the check-out counter.

Statline for Ryan Conner of The Ryan Conner Comedy Blog

Statline for Ryan Conner's soccer game on 10-19:
Minutes: 50
Goals: 6
Assists: 4

That's it. Just letting the world know that I brought domination to the field tonight.

Response to Comment

"Almost all of my mom's side of the family is from Greensboro, ass munch."

Dear Sweet Sweet Comment Poster,
I appreciate your concern. I have a lot of family there too. Before we start name-calling, let's keep in mind that I essentially called Greensboro, "New York without bathrooms." That might be a compliment... a backhanded compliment, but a compliment nevertheless.
Also, in defense of Greensboro, it has the nicest soccer fields in the United States.

Thank You for Your Concern and Readership,
Ryan Conner Comedy Blog

Response to Comment

"Almost all of my mom's side of the family is from Greensboro, ass munch."

Dear Sweet Sweet Comment Poster,
I appreciate your concern. I have a lot of family there too. Before we start name-calling, let's keep in mind that I essentially called Greensboro, "New York without bathrooms." That might be a compliment... a backhanded compliment, but a compliment nevertheless.
Also, in defense of Greensboro, it has the nicest soccer fields in the United States.

Thank You,
Ryan Conner Comedy Blog

I'm not a public urinator

-I got a letter in the mail today informing me that I have been pre-approved for a WNBA Discover card. Could there be a more appropriate credit card sponsor? I don’t think so. I’ve considered accepting it, just to see the look on people’s faces when I whip out a card bearing the WNBA logo. Then when the place tells me they don’t accept Discover, I think we could all have a laugh together.
Why would anyone have a credit card that can only be used at about 20% of the time? I’ve never understood that. Is it for the WNBA discounts?
-I stopped at a Cracker Barrell yesterday when driving from NYC to DC. They sell “Cinnamon Broomsticks.” The WNBA should sponsor these too, because they’re as useless as a Discover card. What is the point of having a cinnamon scented broomstick? “Oh, that smells good. Did you make cinnamon rolls?” Nope. That’s just my broomsticks.
Why make anything smell edible if it’s not. I think that’s poor decision-making.
-According to a fake study, about once every four years, someone will listen to a song, while witnessing what the song is about. Yesterday, while listening to Karma Police, I saw a tow-truck towing another tow-truck. Then I reached out my window and gave God a high-five. It was solid too. It felt like it had been rehearsed.
-Eat organic eggs. I don’t know why, but they taste much better.
-Larry Poon, Jim Luoma and I were in Hoboken, NJ last week. We were looking for a place to get a quick meal before going into the city. We spotted a place called Buskers Bar and Grill. It looked like a standard bar on the outside; the type of place where you order Buffalo Wings and nothing else, because anything else might kill you. But we entered and they had white tablecloths and leather menus. The average meal was around $25-$30, and featured lamb chops, filet mignon, and things like that. We decided to stay eat food meals of chicken wraps. After a few minutes, I noticed yet another curveball thrown by Buskers. They were playing Huey Lewis and Boz Scaggs and other crap. There’s a place for that kind of music, but The Lido Shuffle doesn’t go well with lamb chops. Tesla and Chicken Marsala don’t complement each other. Come on Buskers. Come on.
-Monday night, I was leaving NYC for Hoboken, and stopped to get a slice. I asked the guy if they had a bathroom. Of course they didn’t. If New York had public restrooms, I would concede that it might be the greatest city on earth. But this is enough to knock them down to the same level as Greensboro, NC and Boise, ID. I asked if he knew where I could find a bathroom and he mumbled something. So, I said, “What’s the name of the place, again?” He repeated it. It was McDonald’s. I didn’t want him to think he didn’t speak English well, so I acted like it was my fault that I didn’t understand him the first time, and said, “McDonald’s? Is that a local sandwich shop or something?” I don’t know if he thought I’d never heard of McDonald’s, but that’s definitely what I was going for.
I went to McDonald’s and bought something, so they couldn’t tell me restrooms are for customers only. Then I asked where the bathroom was. She told me the men’s room was closed. I asked if I could use the women’s room. She looked at me like I was a witch. I asked what she recommended that I do. “Go outside. You’re a guy. Go in the street.” I reminded her that we were in Times Square, and that might not be a good idea.
So I headed back to Hoboken, trying to hold it. When I got there, Hoboken snookered me once more. All of the bars were closed, and I couldn’t wait any longer, so I peed on a building on a well-lit street. Then, I turned the corner, and ten feet away stood 5 port-a-johns.
-A list of the ten stupidest members of congress can be found here. It's really funny. I recommend clicking on the internal links as well.

make 'em say uhhh

-Dear New Jersey,

It’s 2006. We can pump our own gas.

Sincerely,

Everyone

-Brandon Ivey and I saw Cursive in concert last week. They were phenomenal. If you get a chance to see them, do so. The opening acts, The Thermals and Detachment Kit, played every song at the same fast tempo. All of their albums should be called, “Music to Sprint To.” I think that’s the only thing you can do comfortably while listening to them.

-I performed at Brookdale Community College in Monmouth, New Jersey last week. Every community college I had seen up to this point was essentially a warehouse with a bookcase and a piece of chalk. This was like a real college campus though.

Even though the campus was nice, while I was there, I was reminded that community colleges don’t have admission standards. Half of the crowd was people who were going to a community college for two years to save money before transferring to a 4-year school. The other half never took the tags off their hats. They were the type of guys who will take two classes each semester until they die, always claiming that they can’t transfer to a four-year school because they can’t afford it, due to all of their money being spent on their Civic. And they have a point; why would anyone want to drive a 4-door coupe that doesn’t have a 6-inch resonator tip, 20-inch rims and a body kit that makes it look like a Transformer. That would be ridiculous. This demographic didn’t like my jokes.

Also, a five-paragraph preview for the show was the feature article in the school’s weekly newspaper, which is cool. But, just below my picture: “FREE PAP SMEARS THIS THURSDAY!!!” That begs the question, is a free pap smear a good pap smear? Since it’s free, are they cutting corners and not giving people the full pap or only a partial smear? I don’t know how that stuff works. All I’m saying is, if it’s free, it’s probably not going to be as good. Or effective. I don’t know the terminology. I suppose it’s never “good.” Whatever…

-Recent Awkward Crowd Interactions with Children:

1.At the Bethesda Hyatt, two weeks ago, Larry Poon may have created the funniest crowd interaction in history. He’s a dirty comic, and there was a small boy sitting in the front row, who looked to be about 9 years old. The first thing Larry said when he got on stage was, “I say some dirty things up here that may not be appropriate for you. How old are you sir?”

Then the kid’s dad shot back, “It’s not a sir. That’s my daughter.”

So, Larry stared at the kid for a few seconds, got off the stage and walked up to the kid, sized her up and said, “I guess.”

Video of this may surface soon.

2.Last Sunday at The Comedy Spot in Arlington, there were three high school girls in the front row that laughed at everything. I mean literally everything. They would laugh at the previous two sentences. It was ridiculous. Their laughs were so frequent and loud that it was hard to concentrate on stage. And I didn’t want to tell them to stop laughing, since it was a comedy show. Plus, if a girl is 15 and is laughing loudly in public, she probably has self-esteem. I didn’t want to yell at them and mess that up.

I can’t stress enough that everyone knew these girls were 15.

During my set, I did a new joke about people who don’t believe in science. It started with me sarcastically saying, “I hate science…”

One of the girls replied, “Me too. I hate Chemistry.”

So, I said, “Not the class, but the idea of gathering knowledge…”

At this point, it seems that there could be no confusion about their age. They were 15.

Next up: A comic who didn't know the front row contained young girls.

Pre-defense: I don’t know if he didn’t pay attention to the show prior to his set or what, but he had no idea. Also, you can’t see the crowd from the stage at The Comedy Spot.

About one minute into his set, he leaned toward the three girls and said, “I’m looking at all the beautiful women in here tonight and I think I could disappoint each and every one of you.” Normally this gets a laugh. But on this occasion it sent out waves of creepy that made everyone but him uncomfortable, because he still had no idea they were young. Once again, you can't see the crowd from the stage.

Then it became clear that he definitely didn’t know the girls were young, because he said, “Anyone here into video games?” The girls went crazy. So, he said, “Oh my God. Where were you girls ten years ago?” There was an awkward silence, followed by one of the girls saying, “We were 5.” Then he turned and slapped the wall.

The End.

Bonus coverage:
Go see Daniel Tosh and Kevin Williams at the DC Improv this weekend. Also, check out Kevin's site. His Comment Cards section is one of the funniest website features of all time.

update

sorry the blogs are coming in slowly. i'm in the process of completely redoing my website, which requires me to learn a few new programs, so that has slowed me down. i actually do have a lot of stuff to write about though. it will most likely be up late tonight or tomorrow.
shalom

URGENT MESSAGE!

To those of you who have seen the sketch on my Myspace page,
Rory Scovel did not die. He is in Canada and he is healthy.
Love,
Management

FactCheck.org

Not funny, but if you're interested, here is the Annenberg Public Policy Center's analysis of Clinton's Fox News interview, and Condoleezza Rice's subsequent response. It's interesting.

Info about The Annenberg Public Policy Center, from their website:
We are a nonpartisan, nonprofit, "consumer advocate" for voters that aims to reduce the level of deception and confusion in U.S. politics. We monitor the factual accuracy of what is said by major U.S. political players in the form of TV ads, debates, speeches, interviews, and news releases. Our goal is to apply the best practices of both journalism and scholarship, and to increase public knowledge and understanding.

The Annenberg Political Fact Check is a project of the Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania. The APPC was established by publisher and philanthropist Walter Annenberg in 1994 to create a community of scholars within the University of Pennsylvania that would address public policy issues at the local, state, and federal levels.

The APPC accepts NO funding from business corporations, labor unions, political parties, lobbying organizations or individuals. It is funded primarily by the Annenberg Foundation.

Madden

I just bought Madden 2007, and I have virtually zero responsibilities, and nothing to do during the daytime. This is the first time all three of the conditions have existed since 2001. This could be dangerous. Stay tuned America...

Joe Robinson Emboldens the Terrorists!

-This year has been the best sports year since 1996. ’96 was an overall great year in sports history, but 2006 has been a great personal sports year. This is why: The White Sox won the World Series (in 2005, but close enough). The Bears are about to go 16-0. The Bulls are one of the youngest teams in basketball and they will make it to the Eastern Conference Finals this year. George Mason made it to the Final Four. I quit playing soccer ten years ago, and just started playing again. Through five games, playing center-mid, I’ve scored 5 goals. All of a sudden, I am a monster in my Yahoo Fantasy Football league. Seriously, a monster. I’m killing people.
I don’t think there is a precedent for this type of sports year for any individual. If you’ve had a year that rivals this, please comment and let me know.
-Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela has been all over the news lately. He’s an overall nut-job, but he also provides affordable oil to NYC’s poor. So, to be fair, he does have one redeeming quality.
He said some unprofessional things in his speech at the UN a couple weeks ago. But from a comedic standpoint, it was great. He actually said, referring to President Bush, "Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today…”
Who says that? It still smell of sulfur? Professional wrestlers aren’t even that dramatic. Heads of state definitely don’t talk like that. He’s so ridiculous; no one can take him seriously. I had to laugh when I watched it. He’s like a cartoon. He should be on a Mexican variety show. Give him an orange wig, freckles, a hat with a propeller, an ice cream cone and a hula hoop and let him do his thing.

-I’m sorry Joe Robinson, but Congress has passed and the president has signed a bill that bans Internet gambling from within the United States, and bans financial institutions from allowing payments to Internet gambling sites. The reason: They said that too many Americans have wasted too much money doing this. What about personal responsibility? Why don’t we ban alcohol, cigarettes, and all luxury items? More money is spent on all of those things.
The real reason is the Internet gambling companies are based offshore, and therefore not regulated and taxed by the U.S. government. But it sells better to make it an ethical issue. It’s great that the people who stress small government and individual liberties are limiting ways in which Americans can spend their own money. Maybe if we keep stripping away our freedoms, the terrorists will no longer hate us.

-I didn’t see the first movie, or the TV show, but I saw Jackass 2 and I am… confused. I don’t know if I loved it or hated it. When the slate that said, “Dickhouse Productions,” appeared before the movie, and people laughed hysterically, I had a feeling I wasn’t going to see the new Annie Hall, but I didn’t know what I was in for. Some scenes were hilarious, but a scene of guys drinking horse semen would follow and ruin the previous scene. I guess it was worth the two hours spent in the theatre though. I think I’m going to be pissed one day when I’m trying to recall some historical fact, and I can’t because that information has been replaced by an image of a midget being punched by a mechanical boxing glove.

-In a previous blog entry, I wrote about the incompetence, and putrid smell of Eastern Buses. But last Tuesday, as I took the bus from DC to NY, they took it to a new level. The events that took place, in numerical order, are as follows:
1. I arrived at 12:45 PM for my 1:00 PM bus. They told me that they cancelled my bus, and that I could take the 2 PM bus. That was perfect because sitting in Chinatown for an hour is a blast.
2. While waiting inside for the bus, a woman talked non-stop about how “The Chinese (as if they’re a gang), act like they don’t understand you. But as soon as you mention money, oh that’s when they speak English, child. That’s right, they keep their money straight. Any other time, they act like they don’t understand you.” This woman had a thick mustache.
We eventually went outside to wait for the bus. While there, her phone rang. I wrote down what she said. “Hey girl… Waiting for the bus to New York… In Chinatown… This place changed in the last ten years. It looks like a different place… I don’t know the street… Umm… there’s a bunch of restaurants on the street… It’s right by that thing (referring to the Chinatown Gate)…you know the thing they built (getting extremely agitated by either the fact that it was built or that she didn’t know what it was)… I don’t know… it’s a house or something… not a house, like a temple… maybe it’s church…a China church…I don’t know what the hell it is… It’s supposed to be some China thing… It’s like a bridge that goes over the street or something… (growing even more angry) It’s got bright colors and things… I don’t know, maybe superstitions or something… it starts on one side of the street, goes up, and comes down the other side… I don’t know if there’s people in it… Alright, bye.”
What was the point of that conversation? I have a feeling that its original intent wasn’t to discuss the Chinatown Gate, but that’s all they talked about. She had a thick mustache.
3. Andy Kline bought a ticket for the 2 PM bus and was meeting me there. He encountered delays on Metro, which put him there at 1:55 PM. Normally that would be fine, but the bus left at 1:54 PM. I told the bus driver that my friend was a block away, he bought a ticket and that he probably shouldn’t leave early. He replied, “Go now. No sit ticket.” He had a great point. I never would’ve thought of it like that.
4. Recap: There is a crazy, racist, mustachioed woman on the bus, and we left Andy Kline, the mild-mannered, non-racist comic.
5. I sat in the second to last row. The bus probably had a total of 35 passengers, with 6 or 7 in the last five rows.
6. This bus always makes a suspicious stop in Baltimore. We pull into a rest stop and sometimes people are standing on the corner. Sometimes those people get on the bus.
7. Because we left early from DC, we had a few extra minutes to wait for people in Baltimore. And it’s a good thing we did! Just before we pulled out, a guy boarded who looked like he could have some issues. Of course he went straight to the back and sat across from me. Then I inhaled, as I have a habit of doing every few seconds, and I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Why? Because the new passenger must have been homeless, and smelled like he washed his clothes in piss and filled his pockets with shit. I didn’t breathe for about 30-45 seconds. Then I rushed into the bathroom, because it smelled better. After a few seconds, the smell crept in while I was peeing. This caused me to gag again and get a little pee on my pants, which didn’t help my case for moving to the front of the bus because the back smelled like piss. Luckily, I was well hydrated, and there was relatively no acidity, and scentless. That may have been gross.
8. When I got out of the bathroom, I grabbed my stuff and went to the front of the bus. Everyone else in the back followed suit. For the next two hours, all passengers covered their face holes with their shirts to avoid any funk intrusions.
9. We stopped at a rest stop in New Jersey. The driver didn’t tell us how long we had to get food, but told us that he’d leave as soon as he finished getting gas. If we were left, we were told it would be our problem to figure out. So, I stayed on the bus. The two Spanish tourists in front of me didn’t. Neither did the father of a child, two rows ahead of me. Also, neither did the homeless guy. The bus driver attempted to leave all four of them, and only stopped to wait after everyone yelled at him and the child whose father was rushing to the bus started to cry.
10. He allowed the father and the Spaniards to re-board, but didn’t wait for the homeless guy.
This presents two questions: 1) Andy Kline said, “What new business did the homeless guy have to take care of in New York. Did they need his piss in The Bronx?” 2) Did Eastern turn from villain to Machiavellian hero by leaving the homeless guy? If you think about it, being homeless at a nice rest stop in NJ is better than being homeless in New York. There’s bathrooms, a shower and plenty of food. And they spared the rest of the passengers of the smell. I think everyone won, except Andy.
11. On my return trip, the guy across from me tried to steal watermelon soda (Who knew it existed?) from the German tourist in front of me. He also danced like he was in a Britney Spears’ video for the duration of the 5 hour bus ride.
DO NOT RIDE EASTERN BUSES!!!!!