fyi

lance bass has just posted a new picture on myspace, and it is adorable.

Blog

-Correction: I referenced Adam Smith in a blog two weeks ago. I should have said Joseph Smith. My bad.
-I saw a truck that had a picture of Calvin, of Calvin and the Hobbes, peeing on Senator Barrack Obama. I'm thinking the owner of the truck had the senator mixed up with someone else. Maybe he got Obama and Osama mixed up. I have no idea.
I also saw a bumper sticker that said, “Guns kill people like spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.” I'm not even going to get into the obvious flaws in the analogy. I just don't understand why of all the fat people in the world, he singled out Rosie O'Donnell. It could have just said “fat people,” but they decided to make it personal.
-Kojo Mante and I had breakfast with Jay Hastings a few days ago, and Jay pitched what may go down as the worst idea in the history of clothing. “Someone should make winter jeans, with some type of warm, but soft insulation, like velvet.” Kojo and I told him that would be too hot. Jay said, “Well, make it breathable. And the outside, instead of being regular denim, should be like a hard plastic or rubbery material.”
Someone get on a prototype, now.
-I was recently reminded of my favorite Mike Tyson quote of all time, and maybe my all-time favorite quote from anyone. “I'm gonna fuck you 'til you love me, faggot.”
-How about that Michael Richards? Pretty funny stuff, huh? Edgy.
-I got searched at the Ft. Myers airport for having hand sanitizer in my carry-on. Who, what, when, where, why and how could hand sanitizer be used as a weapon.
There was an announcement over the intercom, and I'm spelling this phonetically “Twoshop Rodwaller Potbell, please return to your car immediately.” I will bet every dime that I make for the rest of my life that's not even close to the correct pronunciation. Also, usually when you hear someone mispronounce a name, you can make a guess as to what they were trying to say, or at least guess what language it is. Twoshop Rodwaller Potbell could be any language and no languages at the same time.
Then, in a summation of Germans and Florida, I went to a grocery store the day before Thanksgiving. While walking in, a German family was walking out and with no prompt, said, “The Germans bought the turkey.” I don't know what response they wanted. But I think we just nodded like they were kids bragging for not eating glue.
I wanted to buy a deck of playing cards, but the grocery store only had Bridge cards. Come on Florida, get some younger people in your state.
-I walked into a public restroom at the same time as another guy. We walked up to adjacent urinals. A few seconds later, I could hear the guy start peeing at the exact same time as me, which was weird. But it got weirder. We stopped at the exact same moment too. It was kind of cool. I think that was the male equivalent of being on the same cycle as another woman.
-In one of the most awkward moments in my life, I was walking out of a bar while reading the shirt of the guy in front of me. It said something like, “Deathtrap Tattoos,” or something equally as scary. As we were walking through the door, he held it for me, and while still reading his shirt, I put my hand on the door to take over the door holding responsibilities. But there was a problem. Instead of putting my hand on the door, I put my hand on his hand, as if I was trying to hold it. Then I froze up and said “Thank you,” and ran to the car.”
-There's a track on The Doors' box set called Adolph Hitler. The entire track goes like this:
“Adolf Hitler is still alive
I slept with her last night
Come out from behind
that false mustache, Adolf”
What the hell does that mean?

Mark Your Calendars

It's a Very Larry Christmas!
The Annual Christmas Poonanza and Four-Square Round Robin
December 15th at The Warehouse Theatre in DC

Are you guys ready for another Poonanza? I would assume so, since the last one sold out and we had to turn a bunch of people away. Both previous Poonanzas were good, but it looks like this one will be much better due to us gaining experience.

There have been a few changes to the line-up...
-Rory Scovel has just wrapped up his 4 score dominant tour of the Earth planet, and will be returning for the Poonanza. With him will be funny sketches and Roll-o's.
-Andy Haynes will be making his Poonanza debut. If you're unfamiliar with Andy's comedy, it's very funny. He uses organic shampoo and toothpaste, and has a rat tail.
-Aparna Nancherla will be the first female comic ever to perform at a Poonanza. If you aren't familiar with Aparna's comedy, she's a female comic. Zinger... just kidding. She's hilarious. Fo' shozo.

And the rest of the returning cast...
-Larry Poon, of course.
-Justin Schlegel - I don't think we saw his balls at the last show. So, odds are we'll get a good look at some Schelgel sack on December 15th. That's how odds work.
-Jon Mumma will of course be returning, bringing with him, Jim Marsdale, Randy Ford and Tito Santana.
-Jay Hastings will back with funny sketches that most-likely involve him wearing a dress and blaspheming.
-Danny Rouhier and his low center of gravity will be back. Danny is great at stand-up, but even better at sketch.
-Doug Powell will return with "the funny" in tow. Doug is deceptively quick on stage, basketball courts, and football parking lots. "No need to howl, if you get beat by the Powell." That's an insider for Doug and I.
-Kojo Mante - I didn't save the black guy for last on purpose. His name just appears last on my email list. Stop trying to make everything racial. Not only is Kojo going to be back and "in full-effect", he's dropped a few pounds to get in shape for this Poonanza, after taking a beating from the critics about his "chunky ass". Rumor has it, he's down to 1.2% body fat.

-Quincy Ledbetter and Deaf Jim will return as special guests.

There will also be a cool, huge surprise at the show that I want to tell people about in advance, but can't.

P.E. Sports That Aren’t Really Sports, Although They May Be a Cousin to a Real Sport POWER RANKINGS…

1. Kickball – If anyone disputes kickball being in the number one slot, please stop reading my blog right now. In my mind, kickball is up there with basketball and football as the greatest American sports. Odds are you agree.
Ryan Conner Comedy Blog Flashback to 1991: I was in fifth grade and had the greatest kickball game of my life. I still remember it in great detail. I dominated. I had six homeruns in six attempts. With the game on the line in the last inning, the other team was kicking, with one out. A line drive was coming a few feet from me, when I made a flying catch like a goalkeeper. One out to go. Next kicker… he pops up… it’s going foul… no one can get to it… or can they… I sprinted and slid on my back into the bleachers and made the catch directly in the center of my chest. Game over. As we were leaving, I think a few people muttered, “I think Ryan may take this too seriously.” But that’s how you become a winner.
2. Flag Football – One would think that flag football would suck, but it doesn’t. It removes maybe the most appealing element of football, high impact, and it is still awesome. Sometimes it is harder to grab a flag off someone’s waist than it is to tackle. Case in point, they didn’t call me Slippery Hips Conner in high school for nothing.
3. German Dodgeball – This cousin of dodgeball, is its much hotter cousin… the one where you’re having Thanksgiving dinner with Dodgeball and her family, but you keep making the dinner awkward by looking at German Dodgeball too much and complimenting her on her much-improved rules and tight ass. I think we can all relate to that.
It was played on a full basketball court. I think different schools used different balls for this. We used hard, foam rugby balls, which I liked. 15 people were on each team. Everyone would start on the baselines, with 6 balls at half-court. When the whistle blew, people would scramble for the balls. If you got hit, you went behind your opponents’ baseline, where you were an active player. So, your team could sneak a pass to you and you could ambush the other team from behind. I’m tearing up thinking about it… Beautiful…
4. Four Square – If you’ve ever played Mario Party on GameCube, you’d agree that this is the Mario Party of P.E. games. It’s so fun, but if someone walks in and catches you playing it, you feel like you have to explain. And the explanation will most-likely start with, “It’s so gay, but it’s so fun…”
Has a game with so few rules and such a limited playing surface ever been so fun? I don’t think so. Bounce the ball… now you bounce the ball… now you bounce the ball. How is it fun? Know one knows, but it is. This game is so beloved that I got this email about Four Square from Danny Rouhier, only a month ago:
“King's rules. I usually play 'upward motion' and I almost always 'hotbox' a troublemaker or squeaky wheel. I also put 'barriers' and 'moats' on for the kings square but those only last 2 rounds so you have to be smart about when you use them.”
5. Crab Soccer – They probably shouldn’t even put soccer in the name of this game, because it isn’t at all related. Who thought of this? What is the point of getting in the “crab position”? Why not just play regular soccer? Then you’re playing a real sport and getting a workout. And who thought of the giant crab soccer ball? That will go down as one of the worst ideas in the history of sport.
6. Frisbee Golf – Golf is a great game, but I suck at it. Frisbee is a stupid activity, and I suck at it. I have only thrown a Frisbee straight, maybe 4 or 5 times in my life. The rest of them take on an almost boomerang pattern, which could be considered impressive if I was doing it on purpose.
Two negatives don’t make a positive in the world of P.E. They make a super negative. This game is fucking awful. What’s the point? Are we really getting physical rewards from throwing a Frisbee to a hula-hoop?
7. The Parachute Thing from Elementary School – This would be higher, but technically it isn’t a sport or a game of any kind. It’s actually a physics experiment. So, why do it in P.E.? Because parachutes don’t fit in classrooms, that’s why. That’s my only guess. And what’s the point of making us fake a tea party while under it? Way to rub in the fact that we aren’t playing kickball.
8. Anything Involving a Jump Rope – Are we really trying to make a sport out of a rope? Stop it. If I had kids, the fact they might one day have to go an entire P.E. class playing with a rope, would make me consider the pros of home-schooling. Pro Number 1: Kickball every day. Con Number 1: Kickball is always 1 v 1.
9. The Dance Unit – We had a dance unit in P.E. every year from 6th grade through 10th. Guess who refused to participate for five straight years? I took voluntary zeroes every year. The teachers would ask me why, and I would honestly tell them “it’s stupid and it’s a waste of time.” What does the electric slide have to do with anything in the world? Today in P.E., the home of kickball and dodgeball, we’re going to prepare you for awkward wedding receptions. I don’t like it.
10. Variations of Basketball that Aren’t Basketball – Nothing pissed me off more than going into the gym and seeing that the basketballs are out, then finding out that we won’t be playing basketball. Instead, we’re playing horse, or shooting free-throws, or doing something totally unrelated to basketball. It is remarkable and almost unbelievable that we could play a game that involves basketballs, a basketball court, and a backboard and rim, but doesn’t resemble a game of basketball in any way. We have all the elements of what is probably the second most popular sport in the world. Let’s just play it. Thinking about this is getting me frustrated. It’s the same thing as crab soccer. Why not play regular soccer?

Friday Night at Carolines...

I will be opening for Patton Oswalt. There are two shows. Info can be found at www.carolines.com
If you're in NY, you should come.

blah

-I'm doing a show at Johns-Hopkins on Saturday. If you want to come to the show and you aren't a student, email me at ryanconner@gmail.com so I can get you in.
-I really enjoyed writing the last two power rankings blogs. So, I'm now going to do one every other week. Coming up: MLB Names Power Rankings. 13 Original Colonies Power Rankings. After that... Extinct Ethnicity Power Rankings. The next one should be up by Tuesday.
-My new website should be up by now, but I'm being lazy. My bad. I finished it a week ago, then decided that I didn't like the look or the fonts (I did it all in wingdings). Give me another two weeks.
-I'm now sitting in my hotel room in Cleveland after doing a show at Baldwin-Wallace College. I'm staying at an airport hotel, which I just found out is code for “bad hotel.” They don't really put much into the appearance because people have to stay here if they want to be close to the airport. Most of the furniture looks like it belongs in an RV in the 70s. There's also an Archie Bunker chair, and coincidentally, the room smells like Carroll O'Conner died in it. It's a non-smoking room, but I don't think they're all that strict about it.
As a general rule, you know you're staying at a nice hotel, if the in-house shampoo is VO-5.
-When I was in school, people got made fun of if they wore Lee Jeans. Now they cost $200. What happened?
-I bought a DARE shirt a few months ago that read, “DARE: Danger,” or so I thought. When I wore it, someone said, “What the hell is a DARE Dancer?” I said, “No, it says Danger.” Then I looked at it again, and realized that I must be a selective reader. It definitely says “dancer.” I don't know what a DARE Dancer is, but I love the idea of a dance convincing people to not do drugs.
Although I do like my Dare Dancer shirt, I felt like I needed a new, more serious one. So, I went to Goodwill on Monday and found one that not only has a tie-dyed swirl on the front, but is also signed by the entire class. That's right, Sarah, Justin, Mike, Cassie, Kimberly and the whole gang signed it. This shirt is incredible. When I was paying, the cashier said to another employee, “Shoot, I been done got murried.”
-Words of wisdom from Bill Walton: “Robert Horry is not only a genius of the game of basketball, but also a genius of the human spirit.”
-I did a show at Sacred Heart University in Fairfield, Connecticut on Wednesday. It is a conservative Catholic school. And it was atrocious. I would write about it here, but I'm talking about it on-stage instead. Here is a highlight and incentive to come see a show:
They got offended by something I said, that you couldn't possibly construe to be offensive if you tried. So, I said something about Jesus not being able to hear us, or not being there. Then a girl said, without a shred of sarcasm, “Jesus is everywhere.”

The Everlasting Gaze

-Don’t forget to vote tomorrow.
-If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Why would I want to hang out with Ryan Conner and Danny Rouhier at the same time,” then take a look at this picture and the answer will be clear. It’s because they do awesome things.

Notice that this looks nothing like me...
-I like John Madden. Many people find him stupid and annoying. But I think he says stupid stuff on purpose. He had a great line in the Colts-Patriots game last night.
“Now, the best thing that could come out of this drive would be a touchdown. The second best thing would be a field goal. And the worst would be a turnover.” Those conditions apply to every drive in the history of football.
It doesn’t get much better than that. My all-time favorite Madden line would have to be from a Redskins-Eagles game about 5 years ago. He said, “When these two teams play, you know it’s either going to be a high-scoring game or a low-scoring game. And either way, you know someone is gonna win.” I challenge you to find a more stupid-funny statement.
-Watch the Borat movie. It’s hysterical. There’s a scene with a few idiotic frat guys. When they said the name of their fraternity, the guys sitting next to me cheered… then the scene ensued. If you’ve seen the movie, you know how stupid the guys felt. If not, I don’t want to ruin it.
I don’t understand why the guys would have thought to cheer in the first place though. Why would they think that anything positive could come out of it? This was forty minutes into Borat making everyone he came across look like a complete idiot. And for some reason, these frat guys thought, “Borat’s gonna love our brothers from South Carolina.” Then the guys suggested that women and minorities should be slaves. Oops.
-If you haven’t heard The Ricky Gervais Show podcast, go to iTunes and get it now. It is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, ever.
-What a bizarre picture. This was in Rolling Stone’s pictures of the week. Why would anyone pose for a picture in public as if they’re doing a modeling shoot? Vanity anyone? Also, Ricky Martin and Marc Anthony are about to make out.


-I spent Saturday and Sunday in Atlantic City for a friend’s bachelor party.
We gambled at Tropicana most of the time. I think the best compliment that could ever be paid to Atlantic City is, “Well, this almost looks like it could be in Vegas.” In other words, it’s almost as nice as where everyone there actually wanted to be. The second greatest compliment would be, “This casino is alright. It kind of makes me forget that if I go outside there are 6:1 odds of getting stabbed.”
Atlantic City has windmills. How can you have wind power, and not be able to get your city to stop smelling like a fart warehouse?
My friend John, the guy who does butter shots on my pictures page, wears the gayest shirts. He showed up wearing a pink t-shirt. We made fun of him for it, so he changed before we went to gamble. Then it got gayer. He put on a navy button-down shirt with baby blue and light green polka-dots. While thinking, how could this shirt get any gayer, I walked toward him and discovered that the polka-dots weren’t polka-dots at all. They were butterflies. It could only be gayer if it was butterflies giving other butterflies rim-jobs. One of my friends said that if anyone asks, he should say they’re moths. I guess moths are slightly more masculine. John also pees sitting down.
We went into a weird bar that sold 6 packs of Heineken for $8, which was also the price of a shot of vodka. Next week it will be a strip club. In the meantime, it’s just empty. So, it was our group of thirteen and the bartender. That was it. The bartender was either incredibly hot, or our standards had been considerably lowered because 9 out of 10 people in Atlantic City look like they were cross-bred with a mule. Ugliest City on Earth, easily. Anyway, the bartender was Russian. Because my friend Spanky (who just found out that his nickname has hurt his chances with women over the years) took two years of Russian in college, everyone thought he should talk to her. He disagreed, because he only remembered about five words. He thought, and rightly so, that the fact that he knows five words in a language that she knows isn’t enough common ground to get a conversation going. But everyone pushed him on it anyway. Then, the moment came in which he asked if she was Russian, in Russian. She responded in Russian, saying, “Yes, do you speak Russian?” In English, Spanky responded, “No. I took some classes, but don’t remember anything.” Then there was an awkward pause and she walked away. Mission: Accomplished.
-My friend Glen was playing PS2 with my friend Jim. It was a game with gladiators, and Glen wanted to switch games. Jim would have none of that. So, Glen took his dick out and started using it to press buttons. Jim didn’t notice, so Glen said, “Hey, what’s up with my controller?” Jim looked down, then ran outside.

Grimlock Hungry

Erin Conroy – Someone typed “Erin Conroy American Gladiator” into a search engine and it directed them to my site. I thought you'd want to know that.

Due to the popularity of my Deodorant Power Rankings, I'm going to start writing more power rankings for other products and events. This one was going to be about lip balm, but upon further consideration, I realized it would come off more gay than funny. So, in honor of my trip to Denver, these are the November 1, 2006, Dinosaur Power Rankings.
Editor's Note: Ryan Conner doesn't plan on doing any research for this, so it's possible that there will be some fictitious content, including spelling.

1.Tyrannosaurus Rex – Sure, having the T-Rex at number one is like being a Yankees fan, but I used to draw this dinosaur on a daily basis in elementary school. That alone makes it good enough for first place. I also watched a Discovery Science special on them two days ago entitled, T-Rex: Warriors or Wimps? I think we all know the answer wasn't “wimps.” Besides, Grimlock is hungry.

2.Triceratops – Easily number two. Being a herbivore is not cool in dinosaur world, however, I believe it could still control a Polar Bear, which is the most fierce land animal on the planet today. Also, the coolest Dinobot was a triceratops. In my opinion, a dinosaur is the only acceptable thing for a robot to transform into. Cars? Nope. Guns? Nope. Dinosaurs? Hells yes. That's called a “lateral move.”
Side note: My 13-year-old brother, Joaquim, thinks he can take a Polar Bear in a fight.

3. Pterodactyl – It's number three for two reasons. 1) It's the number one referenced dinosaur among comedians. It's impossible to come up with a funnier sounding word. Try it. You can't. 2) There are four important categories to consider when determining if an animal is awesome. 1. Can it rip apart other animals? 2. Can it fly or climb trees? 3. Is it a dinosaur? 4. Is it a monkey or monkey-like?
Two out of four isn't bad. For future reference, if the answer to number 4 is “yes”, then the other categories are null and void. There's no such thing as a not-awesome monkey.

4. Brontosaurus – This is a complete bitch of a dinosaur. However, it's the second most-referenced dinosaur among comedians, and the most-referenced among people who live in Bedrock.

5. Larry King – Come on people, am I right? hahahha, lol, brb, topical, wtf, hgn, fag! {|;-)

6.Velociraptor – They are the Cretaceous equivalent to a rabid midget. Sure, you could take one rabid midget, but they travel in packs, just like midgets, and they will fuck you up. They stood only about 3 feet tall, but could take on much larger animals. They are also the dinosaur most-likely to kick you in the balls in a bar fight. I can't stress enough that you should not trust this dinosaur.
My friend, Glen, thinks he could win a fight against 50 midgets, if they aren't rabid and he starts in the middle of a football field and 25 midgets start in each end zone. I don't think it's possible. I think his strategy is to pick one up, and swing him at the other midgets, like a mace. My friends and I have about 50 similar ongoing arguments.

7. Brachiosaurus – Warning: WWF Analogy Ahead:
This dinosaur was the El Gigante of dinosaur world. Sure, it's huge, but it has no skill. If you get it off its feet, everyone's the same height on the mat. Even El Gigante wasn't immune to The Sharpshooter. No one was. That's all I'm saying about that.

8. Megalosaurus – The name of this Jurassic beast is Greek for “Great Lizard,” which is much better than its original name, “Scrotum Humanum.” I'm serious. That was its original name when it was discovered in the 17th century. It was the biggest predator of all. And, just a reminder, its former name was Greek for “Man Balls.”

9. Stegosaurus – The precursor to the porcupine. The only reason people talk about the stegosaurus is because it looked retarded. If “Mask” was made 150 million years ago, it would have been about a stegosaurus. With plates sticking out of its back, and spikes out of its tail, it did indeed look disfigured. But if a predator tried to bite its back, it would come up with a mouth full of plate, then receive a spleen full of spike. It was the dinosaur version of last year's Bears. No offense, but amazing defense.

10. Funasaurus – The future name of the first dinosaur discovered by Ryan Conner.
Honorable Mention:

Diplodocus – The longest dinosaur ever. We put up signs in the hallway in second grade marking its length. For the record, it was slightly longer than the 2nd grade hallway. And it was usually green, if I had anything to say about it.