Snapper

-I want to note that the previous blog of bad songs on my iPod is not the list of the worst songs that I own. It's only the worst songs that I keep with me at all times. My computer has worse songs on it, including:

Hungry Eyes – Eric Carmen

Several Aerosmith songs

Roni – Bobby Brown

Special Delivery – G Dep

Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell

Pumps and a Bump – Hammer (Not M.C. Hammer)

Milkshake – Kelis

The Ketchup Song – Las Ketchup

Love is a Battlefield – Pat Benetar

-I get most of my good ideas when I'm falling asleep, driving or in the shower. All three are times in which I can't write them down. I get my worst ideas when I'm sleeping. I don't know if every comic does this, but at least once per week, I wake up thinking I had an amazing idea. I write it down. When I look at it the next day, I think that I must have had some form of short-term retardation when I wrote it. Here is last night's film idea, an idea that I think is my worst ever, as inspired from a dream. This is the exact text that I wrote down, in the format of a studio pitch, with the responses from the studio execs.

Me: We've seen tons of natural disaster movies, sci-fi predator movies, mob movies, and every other formulaic form of suspense that one could imagine. What have we not seen? A cougar with a vendetta... in the suburbs... A group of kids are playing badminton, when one looks over the hill and sees a cougar sprinting at them (Note: In my dream, the cougar was larger than a lion). One kid, who knows the cougar is after him, yells “Cougar!” and all the kids scatter into a house. Then a Cujo-like scene, with a twist of Lord of the Flies, ensues with the cougar trying to get the kids who are in the house. The movie will last a lot longer than Cujo though, because you can survive a lot longer in a house than in a car. So, the boys call the cops and tell them a cougar is trying to get them. The cops say, “What does the cougar look like?” They describe it, and tell him it's name is “Steve.” They know it's name is Steve because it can say its name.

Studio Exec: So, it's a talking cougar?

Me: Not really. It can only say its name. Back to the story...The cops say, “We can't kill Steve cougar. It saved a little boy who fell down a well in '87.”

Studio Exec: Is it the same boy it's now trying to kill?

Me: No, but I like that. I'm sure you're already into the story, but you haven't even heard the kicker yet. Here it is: The neighborhood in which this takes place is exactly like my grandma's old neighborhood, except, get this... there's an extra row of houses. [Then I nod my head as if to say, “Try turning this movie down.”]

What you just read was easily the worst idea I've ever had for anything. Once, while playing soccer, I decided to go for a ball that ended up causing me to break my arm in seven places. This was a worse idea.

There is so much wrong with it. First, cougars don't just seek people out and attack. Kids don't play badminton. Cops would shoot the cougar upon sight; cougars can't save boys from wells. If a cougar went down a well to save a boy, it would be stuck at the bottom of the well with the boy. I'm going to stop writing about this.

• I went to a Vietnamese wedding on Saturday. I have two Vietnamese brothers. And my family has sponsored the immigration of 4 or 5 Vietnamese families over the past 15 years. One of the families was my oldest Vietnamese brother's sister's family. That sounds confusing, but it makes sense. The wedding was for my niece, from that family. It was a lot of fun, but very different from American weddings. There were only three non-Vietnamese tables. Two were for members of my family. Sitting at my table was five of my brothers, a nephew, two nieces, and wives. My brothers and I are very competitive, and all are funny. Events...

• A band was playing what can only be described as “Vietnamese music.” If you've heard it, you know what I'm talking about. All the songs sounded exactly like “Black Magic Woman.” Because everything sounded the same, I thought it would be funny if one song started, and everyone in the room went crazy, like when James Brown would sing, 'Please, Please, Please.” No more than one minute after having this thought, it happened. It was a great moment. Then I discovered that the cheering that sounded like it was coming from the entire room was only coming from the table of my parents and younger brothers. Inappropriate.

• The dinner had ten courses, and I had to leave for about an hour to do a set at the Hyatt in Bethesda. I instructed my brothers to save some food for me. When I got back, my brother, Brent White (Not to be confused with White Brent... I have two brothers named Brent who are the same age. One is black and named, Brent White. The other is white and named, Brent Conner. Brent White. White Brent.) said, “Try the flat rice noodles. They're great.” I did and it tasted like a trash sandwich. Then everyone started laughing. They weren't rice noodles. They were shreds of jellyfish. Never eat food at a Vietnamese wedding unless a Vietnamese person tells you what you're eating.

• Note: I was once grounded for two weeks for saying, “Damn,” when I was in the 7^th grade.
  White Brent drank quite a bit of Cognac, and he isn't a drinker. Sitting next to my 11 year-old brother, Sam, he said, “What's up, Sam?” “Nothing,” Sam replied, “What's up with you?” “Dude, I'm so fucked up right now,” Brent shot back, topping my parents' and little brothers' previous random cheering for the most inappropriate moment of the night.

• My step-dad doesn't drink at all either. I've known him for 22 years, and have seen him drink less than ten alcoholic drinks in that time. For some reason, on this night, he had a six pack of Heineken, which prompted him to say, “We're going to have to go soon. I'm starting to understand what they're saying.”

• One song featured a random bird call sound. Bizarre.

• Vietnamese dancing is an exact replica of the way people dance when they're on E, except there's less sweating involved.

• One of the dinner courses was Red Snapper, which was great. It's served whole, with the eyes and everything intact. When it was placed on our table, its mouth was directly in front of me. So, naturally I said, “Brent [Conner], I'll pay you $5 to eat its teeth.” He laughed. But Sam, the 11 year-old, heard me. Not only will he do anything for money, but he'll also eat anything even if no money is involved. So, as if someone just offered a million dollars to eat a cupcake, he yelled, “Oh, I'll do it for $5... shoot...” We told him he has to eat the fish's whole mouth. He agreed. When we turned the fish toward him and he saw the fish's mouth, he got scared and started to walk away. Then White Brent said, “I'll put five on it too.” Somehow, word spread to my mom's table in about 0.3 seconds, and she came over with her camera. Brent White's phone has a video camera built in. Enjoy the video.