“The Are Night Zombies! They Are Neighbors! They Have Come Back From The Dead!”

-I'm going to Las Vegas with friends March 15-18. A friend of mine was originally planning it and had to pull out, and the trip fell apart. But last night I had a dream that I was in Las Vegas. When I woke up, I had one of the most disappointed feelings I can recall having. I've had cool dreams in the past. Look back at my Cougar Movie dream blog if you don't believe me. I've also dreamt that I inherited the Playboy Mansion. I've played for the Bulls. Last week, I was in a band with Jimi Hendrix. Waking up from those paled in comparison to the Vegas dream. If you want to go to Vegas, then you can too. It's a city, and they're into that kind of thing.

-At a Mitt Romney event, a heckler yelled, “You don't know the Lord.” Where I come from, Romney just got served. A perfect 10 on the sting scale. What can he reply? “I do too!.” Won't work. Served.

-I just got a new gym membership. When taking the tour, the woman who was showing the place, said, ”Go inside and check out the locker room. The steam room and sauna are in the back. Just walk around. Take your time.” What? I wanted to just say, “No, that's okay.” But I felt like I should let her do her job. So, I walked in, really with no purpose. When you're going in to drop stuff off, you have tunnel vision. You go straight to your locker, and see nothing but that locker. When your mission is to “look around and check out the sauna and steam room,” there's no room for a positive experience. So, as soon as I saw six naked guys without trying to, I turned around and left. This took approximately four seconds. The saleswoman said, “That didn't take long. Did you see the sauna and steam room?” I said, “I'm sure it's fine.” What was I supposed to do? Walk back there, “So guys, I guess this is the steam room, huh... Nice...A nude steam room, I see...Yeah, I'm wearing two coats... No, just looking around...It's humid in here...Alright, you guys take care. I'll be in the sauna chatting it up... Hey guys... Boy, does it feel like a sauna in here or what?”

-I went into a used book store by my apartment in Hoboken. It was crap. I heard the owner and another guy talking. Here is an excerpt from their conversation. ”You know the last TV series I found funny?” I was thinking he'd say Seinfeld, maybe News Radio, or Cheers What he actually said was, “Barney Miller. That's the last time I laughed at anything on TV.” This guy's life must be miserable. He's gone decades without laughing. I don't know where I'm going with this. Make something up.

-Is it just me, or is Tyler Perry, the guy from the Madea movies, doing pretty well now? He has two new movies and a new series. I hadn't heard of him until a few months ago when I was on a Chinatown bus that showed, “Madea's Family Bad Stereotype Movie.” I watched about half of it and thought, “That's the last we'll see of that guy.”

-The EWTN Network has a show that I caught a few days ago, called “Catholic Classics.” I was on the edge of my seat, hoping they'd show the time when Father Steve, from the Arlington, VA Diocese, blessed the communion with one hand. IT WAS CLASSIC FATHER STEVE. What I'm saying is, “What is a Catholic Classic?” I didn't actually watch. I just saw it in the guide and figured if I didn't watch it, I'd have a paragraph for the ol' blog.

-I thought the Bush administration had found out about empathy when they stated their Path to Citizenship plan for illegal immigrants. I was excited, because I think it's the right thing to do. Then I read an interview with Bush's Senior Political Advisor, Karl Rove. His reasoning was, “Well, I don't want my 17-year-old son to have to pick oranges and make beds in Las Vegas.” In other words, “Someone has to do the the undesirable jobs.” I thought their intention was to put people on a level playing field with other American citizens, so they can get financial aide for college, so they can rise through the socioeconomic ladder and become doctors, lawyers, teachers, et cetera. Mis-read that one.

-When I went through security in the Houghton, MI, airport, which I'd like to add is an “international airport,” although it's only about 3000 square feet, security inspected my laptop for at least a minute, like something was up. I can't imagine what they thought they were seeing... “Hold on, is that a 2.23 GHZ DuoCore, 2 gigs of RAM, and a video card so powerful it drains an 8 eight hour battery in 3 hours... all in a 12 inch notebook? Something is fishy. This guy must be from the future. Call the authorities.” What I'm saying is, I have a monstrous computer. And I'm bragging about it. Yes, that makes me a nerd. Whatever.

I hosted the shows in Houghton. It was a collection of college groups doing sketches, and I'd do about five minutes between each group. Hosting is not my forte though. I'd say I am to hosting as Shaq is to free throws. There were two shows, and at the beginning of each one, I said, “Just so you know, I'll be coming out between each sketch and telling jokes. Sometimes I'll talk about the sketch first. If I don't feel like it, I'll just do some of my jokes. Now that's out of the way...” Technically, that's not supposed to happen. I don't like to pussyfoot though. One time, I wanted to sarcastically say, “Make some noise for this next group...” and it came out, “Make some energy... make energy... what the hell does that mean...[insert group name].” They really liked my jokes, so it didn't matter that I'm a “non-traditional host”. That's what I'm calling my hosting style from now on. Shitty=Non-traditional.

I went to a party with some students after the show. It was a cool town, and all the students were cool. One thing stood out at the party though. This is something that kills me every time I see it too. Whenever loud music is playing, and a popular song comes on, all of a sudden, conversations stop, and people's eyes lock while they sing the song. I think this is one of my favorite things on earth to witness. Fo' sheezy. Rory Scovel did this to some strange girl when “Like A Prayer” was playing at some bar, and it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Anyway, the song they sang at this party was “Will You Be There” by Michael Jackson. You may know it as the theme song from Free Willy. You may not know it at all, because it wasn't very popular outside Houghton. I may be the only person who knows the name of the song. It was weird. Literally every person except for me and a guy I was talking to, stopped everything to sing this song. I don't think you're appreciating this enough. Close your eyes for a few minutes and picture this... there you go.

I salute anyone who still listens to Michael Jackson, despite all of his alleged child-touchings. He's a strange person, but anyone who says they don't like “Smooth Criminal” isn't a human.

-I've recommended a lot of music in the past, and people probably have skipped those paragraphs. Don't do so this time. Go to iTunes and download “The Are Night Zombies! They Are Neighbors! They Have Come Back From The Dead!” by Sufjan Stevens, on his album, Illinois. It is incredible.