Red Hats

-Kudos, no, two kudos to the Syracuse Airport for offering free WiFi. Some airports charge up to $9. I don't like those airports.

-If I was in Congress, the first bill I would propose would be to require all hotels to carry premium toilet paper. That's probably the main reason no one would ever vote for me. But I'm sick of hotels having cheap(I could have gone for the pun there, but I'm above it) toilet paper. It can't cost more than an extra 10 cents per roll to upgrade to something nice. Hey Hotels...Don't do the black thing. Don't do the white thing. Do the right thing. Hasn't Spike Lee taught us anything.

-I did a show in Canton, New York, last night. It was negative 6 degrees and negative 22 degrees with the wind chill. People should not co-exist with those temperatures. It's a really nice place, aside from the weather, but I can't understand why anyone would have settled there before central heating was invented. I also think it's time to do away with telling us what the wind chill and heat index are. They always say, “It's 32, but feels like 13,” or “It's 80, but feels like 92.” If it “feels” 13 or 92, let's just call it 13 or 92. What other senses are we using to measure heat? Does it taste like 32 or sound like 80? I don't get it.

-I took a rental car from Syracuse to Canton. I reserved the smallest, cheapest 2-door car, which was a Chevy Aveo. Instead, they gave me a PT Cruiser for the same price. They thought they were doing me a favor. Oh, how they were wrong. When I got in the car this morning to make the two and a half hour drive back to Syracuse, the heater was broken. The in-car thermometer read negative 4 degrees. Negative four. -4. - four. I think I almost died. I had to wear socks as gloves. And my liter of water froze solid by the time got to Syracuse, which I thought was impossible. What made it more annoying was that I called the roadside assistance people from the rental place, and the woman said, “Are you sure you're operating it correctly?”

I said, “Yes.”

“Well, take a look at the owner's manual just to be sure.”

“It's a heater. You just turn it on. I've been in cars before. There aren't many options. On. You turn it on and heat comes out.”

“I just have to make sure you're doing it right.”

What are the odds of someone having the mental capacity to get into a car for the first time and drive it, operating the wipers, lights and mirrors, all while not being able to figure out how to turn the heat on? One in a gabillion-zillion-million.

- I forgot to bring CDs with me, so the radio it was. I hadn't listened to music on the radio since October of 2001. I don't know why I remember the date, but I do. After scanning the stations for a minute, I found The Beatles' “All You Need Is Love.” The Beatles are one of my favorite bands, so I stopped to listen. Just as the song ended, a creepy, child-molester-sounding DJ came on and said, ”What do you think? Maybe a twin spin? Alright. You got it.” Then he played another Beatles' song. Think about how much better that segment of my life would have been if that DJ didn't exist.

- The guy who checks ids for TSA at the Syracuse Airport is named Peter Griffin.

- Frequent blog readers may remember when my toothpaste and hand-lotion were confiscated in an airport for being 3.4 ounces, after they set a limit of 3 ounces. I was really pissed off, because I like to brush my teeth, I don't like having dry hands, and the lotion was Kiehl's and I got it for free. Sometime in the past week, TSA decided that 3.4 ounces is an acceptable amount of toothpaste and/or lotion to have on your person. That's the new limit. Looks like TSA has been reading my blog. I'm 1% serious about this. A senior speech writer at the White House reads my blog. He probably knows people. Who's to say he didn't call up TSA and say, “Hey, 3.4 is cool.” I'm not saying it did happen. I'm saying it could happen. That's all I'm saying.

-I ate at a Cracker Barrel in Syracuse. Two weird things there: 1) The wait staff included women named Kyle, Ashley, Ryan, and Jesse. That's probably the first time, outside stadium events, that many women with men's names were all under one roof. It felt great to witness a piece of history, and know that I was the only person to notice it, care about it, write their names down for a future blog, etcetera. Weird item number 2: There were seven old ladies wearing fancy red hats. I was just told today that it's a group called, “The Ladies with Red Hats,” or something like that. They assemble, wearing red hats, and gallivant. It's something they do to feel and look young. Nothing looks or gives more of an old woman feel than a fancy red hat.