This one contains formatting errors. It won't let me fix them.

-You know those Rosetta Stone “Learn a Language Quickly” things they have at mall and airport kiosks? Yes you do. They're in yellow boxes. You know how you've never seen anyone stopped at one of those kiosks, which has allowed you to notice the yellowness of these boxes each time you've passed? Yes, you've noticed that as well. At the Detroit airport, I saw about 10 guys huddled around one. I could hear them saying things like, “Is it really that easy?” And, “So, you mean I could learn Portuguese in four days?” It was strange. Then the guys parted a bit, and I could see who they were talking to. The employee working the kiosk looked like a supermodel. I wonder if this happens all day when she's there? She must think Rosetta Stone language software is taking the world by storm. But, I bet her boss knows what's up, and doesn't care if that's what's up. It's all about gross sales in the world of Rosetta Stone.

• If you're a man who showers at a gym, after working out, know this: It's physically possible to put your boxers on before you apply lotion to every square-inch of your body. Yeah, I'm talking to you at locker 6. Additionally, if you choose a locker that's just inside the entrance, don't be this guy. You're making it impossible for people to not see your nastiness. No one wants to walk into a room and have that be the first thing they see.

• How about a lesson in how to be an acceptable human? Cool, glad you're up for it.

  If you go to a restaurant with a large group, and half of them are strangers, let the strangers do their own thing. Don't push your eating or drinking agenda on them. Here's what happened. One of my good friends is going to Iraq in a few days, so about 15 people went out to dinner with him. Six of the people, including myself are from VA, and have known him for years. The other nine are his newer friends from his Army base in New Jersey. Dinner was at a Korean restaurant. Korean food is not something you can get 15 people to agree on. This is mainly because it's nasty. Three of my friends, from VA, traveled separately and went to the pizza place next door. Had I not already been sitting at the Korean place with a menu in front of me when I found this out, I would have joined them.
  I looked through a five page menu, with the first four pages featuring foods such as, "Green Bean Pancake," and "Steamed Codfish Guts." On the last page, I found something that sounded like it would be a steak and rice. That was fine. But when I tried to order, a guy I didn't know said, "I already ordered for everyone. You don't need to get anything else."

• 
  

"What did you get," I asked.

I was told that if I liked meat and seafood, I'd be happy. Notice that it's "meat," not beef, chicken, or pork. Just "meat."

So, eight hours after my last meal, the food starts to arrive. Five things arrived at once. I couldn't tell what four of them could possibly be. Not even a guess. The other appeared to be some type of meat, either chicken or pork. They should never get confused. So, how did I get them confused? Because it was a joint. They were serving the joint of something. Really? A joint? What are you doing with the rest of it? Can't we have the breast, if it's chicken? Do they not know about the chicken breast, leg, thigh, wing, or even liver? A joint. A fucking joint. "Oh, this cartilage sure is tender." Someone told me something else on the table was Kim-Chi. It looked like vomit.

This restaurant required that you use chopsticks. I hate that. I like places that put the chopsticks on the table with the fork, so I can take my pick. We had no choice. I don't do well with chopsticks because they aren't my native eating utensil. I learned to use them when I was little. But about two minutes into using them, I thought, "Fork and spoon." I haven't gone back to chopsticks since. Why would I? They're less efficient, and the technique isn't akin to any other skill. It's not like any other skill transfers. So, you have to practice in order to eat inefficiently with them. I don't like that. If I'm hungry, I want the food to be in my mouth as fast as possible. End of story. Let's use logic. It's fine to use chopsticks if that's your custom. People who use them every day are obviously great at it. Don't make someone use chopsticks, if they ski as often as they uses chopsticks. People don't ski often is what I'm trying to say. So much frustration is coming out right now.

Eventually, they cooked some beef on a grill that was in the middle of the table. But the beef was tough. Once again, where is the rest of the beef going? Most beef is tender. Why am I having the worst beef I've had in my life? The pieces were so tough, I couldn't chew through them. So, I had three pieces, each the size of a chicken nugget, and basically chewed until they were soft enough to swallow. Not in small pieces, as how someone would normally chew... soft enough.

The aforementioned seafood came in the form of a "Seafood Pancake," which is full of onions. I'm allergic to onions.

I should mention that everyone but me did about 5-7 shots of sake. I did zero.

I should also mention that during the entire meal, I was texting my friend at the pizza place, arranging to have a couple slices when I got out.

Small bowls of rice made it to the table after a while. Very small bowls. I ate it. The rice was good. But there was nothing to go with it. Not any type of sauce or anything. Just a bowl of sticky rice.

People started saying things like, "Boy, am I stuffed?" at this point. So, I said that I was going to take a smoke break. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. What I really did was go to the pizza place to have a slice.

Then the meal got exponentially better when a loud girl, who'd been yelling things you don't yell in a public place all night, yelled, "Well, I'm the only one who masturbated in Puerto Rico. I don't even care." I found this moment to be a 10 out of 10 as far as awkwardness in concerned. The families sitting around us probably agreed.

I had been wondering how they were going to split the check as soon as I realized that I couldn't eat any of the food, due to it either being nasty or containing onions.. Anyone who drinks all night, then turns to people who've had nothing, and says, "Let's just split it down the middle," is a douche bag. A huge douche bag. Guess what happened? They turned to my end of the table and said, "$40 each. Hey, that's not bad for all this, and the sake." I paid $40 for about 4oz of rice and three pieces of cheap beef. Forty dollars. I paid it and went to the pizza place, starving. My friends, who ate at the pizza place spent $14 total and had a great meal.

Don't do anything that I just mentioned and you will not be a douche bag.