Meet me at the corner of Peachtree, Peachtree, Peachtree and Peachtree

-I think I'm the only guy who doesn't like Entourage. I just don't get it. Maybe I'll learn to like it. It took me a long time to get into Coach, and now I have a tattoo of Craig T. Nelson on my chest. So, you never know...

-Congrats to Team 4 at the last Keg Race. At the previous Keg Race, I was the Christian Laettner on the Keg Race Dream Team. You know how they say guys like Scottie Pippen and Magic Johnson made their teammates a lot better? It's weird, but the same thing happened at the Keg Race. I average about one beer per month, but my teammates, all future Keg Race Hall of Famers, made me perform like a normal man.

-I watched a show called "Games Fever" with my friend Al. It was just like Midnight Money Madness, which I've talked about here before. It's basically a game show, where people call in and answer easy questions for $100-$300. The questions are unbelievably easy, like, "Washington is named after what U.S. president?" But I think they screen the callers for idiots. It's great. On this episode, there was a crossword problem. The answer, I believe, was, "Lift." The "I" was the only letter it gave us, and every other letter was a part of another word, which made it pretty easy. When they took the first call, the person sounded confident they had the answer. They said, "Yimp."

Yimp? Really? The host said, "These have to be real words. Again, I can't stress that enough. Real words only."

Then he let the person try again. Second try: "Yimp."

Again? They were certain it had to be yimp. They said it like, "Everyone knows what a yimp is. It's a lumberjack's apprentice..." Hilarious.

The second caller, after being told multiple times that they can only accept real words, said, "Mift." The host said, "There's only space for four letters," because he thought the person was saying "Miffed." The caller said, "Yeah, it is four. M-I-F-T. Mift." "Once again, we can't accept any words that you may have made up. Real words only, please."

-I've gone to concerts for the past three nights. The first night, I saw Jimes play in an apartment in Brooklyn. He was awesome. Last night, I saw Grizzly Bear at The Black Cat, in DC. They are incredible, and will be huge. If you like concerts, see them before they get big. I'd rank them as the third best band I've ever seen live, just behind Radiohead and The Smashing Pumpkins. I'm not including Young MC, because that wouldn't be fair to everyone else. Tonight, I saw Bright Eyes at 930, in DC. Grizzly Bear made them look like amateurs. And M. Ward, who performed with Bright Eyes, stole the show with one of his songs.

I don't think race should ever play a role in music, but there should be a law against white guys rapping when the crowd isn't at least 20% black. I can't imagine anything good ever coming out of a situation like that. Maybe there should be a white rapper aptitude test or something. In other words, I witnessed something horrific that I would like to avoid witnessing in the future.

If you're in the opening band, there's no need to say, "This is an old song," or, "Here's a brand new one." They're all new to us. Just play them.

"If you're at a concert, you know the opening act is bad if you're talking to your friend about Nick Cannon, during their set." -Jay Hastings, 2007

One of my favorite jokes is Lewis Black's about the stupidest thing he's ever heard anyone say, which is, "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have made it through that year of college."

At tonight's show, I told "Bob" (I don't want to say who it was, because I don't want people to lose respect for this person) about a record store in NY that I thought he'd like, because he likes vinyls. He said he doesn't like old music, because "it can't compete with music that's coming out now." After throwing up in my mouth, I said, "What about the Beatles?" He said the Beatles sucked, "Except Eleanor Rigby, but they probably didn't write the string parts anyway." After throwing up in my mouth again, I said, "Have you ever heard Happiness is a Warm Gun, or anything from The White Album, or Magical Mystery Tour?" He said no, then said their lyrics suck and are cheesy/simple. I've never heard anyone take that position on John Lennon before. Then I mentioned that he likes a band called Neutral Milk Hotel, who I think sucks. And I told him that those two Beatles albums are more complex than anything he listens to, including Menomena (a newer band that is very good, but not great). His response was, "No Beatles song can compete with Bartnoff Farting." I think that is a more stupid sentence that Lewis Black's thing about the horse. It's unconscionable. I don't have Internet access as I'm writing this, so I don't know if he's saying there's a song called "Bartnoff Farting," which is better than any Beatles song, or if Bartnoff is a guy in Menomena who is an amazing farter. Either way, I don't think a song with "Farting" in the title, or a guy with the most beautiful farts in the world, can compete with any Beatles song.

If you've heard a worse sentence than, "No Beatles song can compete with Bartnoff farting," please let me know via comment, phone call, email or text message. No postcards, please.

-I've always had a theory that my comedy would be hated in the south. That theory is now fact. When theory becomes fact, that's scientific progress, which I love to witness. Coincidentally, the fact that I love progress is one of the reasons my comedy is hated in the south.

I did a college showcase in Atlanta last week, where I performed for reps from a lot of southern schools. A lot. At least 100. My first joke did okay. My second joke is the one that makes fun of arguments against gay marriage. This prompted members in the front of the crowd, which comprised of school officials and student activities personnel, to say things such as, "Keep it the way it is," "No way," and "I don't think so." It was at this moment that I knew the rest of my set would suck, and I knew that I wouldn't want to perform at their schools anyway. The sad part of the show is that I don't think they didn't just find me unfunny. The looks on people's faces said that they didn't even understand what I was talking about on a conceptual level, especially during my LARP joke. The stares were the stares people would give in a calculus class the day before they dropped it. It said, "Is it my fault, or is he not explaining it well? Either way, I hope it's not too late to get a refund on the book." That's right, I make audience members buy books now. It's the only way to make the calculus analogy work 100%. Needless to say, I was very disappointed that all 100 schools turned me down. The audience in Atlanta wouldn't pick up on the sarcasm in the last sentence.

I didn't have any problems with the city of Atlanta, except: 1)They should try to figure out how to get some more smog in the air. I don't know if it's importable, but it's still barely possible to breath, which is unacceptable. 2) They have the Bobby Brown Parkway. I won't be happy until Black Robb has his own boulevard. Black Robb had a song called, "Like Whoa." My airport shuttle driver actually said, about a door that wouldn't close, "That door is like whoa." I want to see more of that. 3) More streets called Peachtree. They're stuck at four. I'd like to see eight. That would be enough. Eight is enough... Hee-haw, pop culture references...

I returned to the airport with another comic, Julian McCullough. Our cab driver was the most paranoid person I've ever talked to. The entire drive, he described situations in which he'd "put a whole in someone's ass." Examples: 1) If he's at an ATM and someone gets too close to him. Because of his ATM paranoia, he said he makes his wife get cash for him, so he can cover her and "put a whole in someone's ass" if they get too close. 2) When pumping gas, if someone comes up and tries to get in his business. 3)After turning the conversation to sports, he quickly segued to describing going to a Yankee's game and seeing a cop get mugged. "I wish they would have tried to mug me. I would have put a whole in their ass," was his conclusion to the story. We tipped him well, because we knew he had a gun. I'm not a fan of guns, which is another commonality I lacked with the audience at the show.

-I got a positive review in a college paper from a show I did. However, it said, that "much of his act was drug humor." What?????? First of all, how did they go from positive to drug humor? Also, I can't figure out what jokes they consider drug humor. I have one joke about the faulty logic of the War on Drugs. It's not a joke about using drugs, and isn't pro-drugs in any way. It's just anti-War on Drugs. And I have a joke about potheads being annoying. It contains nothing about drug use, and is anti-pothead. Those are the only jokes that contain drug references, and comprised three minutes of my hour-long set. Grrr... Yeah, I said, "Grrr..."

-Crucial Element, my favorite rap group from college, has gotten back together. They're putting out a new single pretty soon, as well as some documentary footage of the early days of their career. I will keep you posted.