Full Metal Jacket... Cedar Crest

-I saw a guy on myspace who listed his favorite movie as "The first half of Full Metal Jacket." How can a movie be your favorite, if you only like the first half? The last scene of a movie can ruin the whole movie for most people. Not this guy. What's your favorite movie? "That scene in Turner in Hooch..." No, seriously, what's your favorite movie? "I like in Braveheart, when Mel Gibson says, 'Today.' That's my favorite movie... when Mel Gibson says, 'Today.'" That's not a movie, that's a word.

"Full Metal Jacket is your favorite movie, right? You know at the end, when..."

"I only like the first half."

"Maybe you should pick a new favorite then."

"I only watch the first half of every movie. It has the best first half of any movie"

"Did you know that after the first half of each movie, is a second half? They usually tie up all the loose ends in the plot during that portion."

"Get out of town!"

I was a big fan of Disney's "Robin Hood" when I was 4-6-years-old. During that time, I never saw the end of the movie. I stopped after the archery contest every time. I thought that when they ran through the forest to the waterfall, the movie had to be over. Plus, the song played when they got to the waterfall was called "Love Conquers All." That's an end of movie song title. And the shot was definitely an end of the movie shot. How could the movie not end there? Then a few years later, someone said, "You know when Friar Tuck got out of jail..."

I shot back, "What do you mean? Friar Tuck didn't get out of jail."

"How else did they defeat the Sheriff and Prince John?"

"They didn't defeat them."

"That's the plot of the movie."

"No, the plot is an archery contest that ends with everyone escaping to a waterfall for a hoedown."

"Did you only watch the first 30 minutes?"

"You're stupid!"

-If you ever hear someone say, "It's never too late for ice cream," chances are they also think, "You can never have too many cats. Isn't that right, Mr. Fuzzles?"

-I did a show at Cedar Crest College in Allentown, PA, last week. It was an all girls school, however they had two male students. Two! 1,200 women and two guys. Those two guys have to be the most confident guys in the world. It's their senior year of high school. "Yeah mom, I'm applying to Penn, Villanova, and Cedar Crest."

"Cedar Crest? Over the years, they've had 42,000 female graduates and only one male."

"I like my chances."

That's a 600:1, girl to guy ratio. That's unheard of. If you have those kinds of odds, and girls still won't talk to you, it's time for a new personality.