9/11 and Noah's Ark Conspiracy Theories

-Someone thought I was joking about misspelling "monkeys" for the past 24 years. I was not.

-I found out on Saturday night that you can't follow a comic whose entire set is about graphic sex with animals when you're opening on a joke about the differences between cloning and spawning. And if you say "National Academy of the Sciences" in said joke, not only will they not laugh, but they also won't listen.

-I saw a CNN report on a "Creation Museum" opening in Kentucky. That's right, the word "science" has been replaced by "creation" even in the naming of a museum. Amazing. The curators claim to be respected paleontologists and "experts." Whenever someone is simply described as an expert, they probably don't know what they're talking about.

This museum is supposed to document the bible as a scientific document. The curators actually call the bible that. A scientific document. They claim it's 100% historically accurate. You aren't dumb, so your instant "smack them in the face" thought might be, "So, explain dinosaurs." Well the museum does. Really? Yes. They were created in the first six days and lived in harmony with humans... UNTIL SHE ATE THE DAMNED(Who likes puns?) APPLE! From that point, it was man versus t-rex. I'm serious. Now, get this. This is the best part. Everyone is familiar with the Noah's Ark thing, right? These people claim that every species of dinosaur was on the Ark as well. Velociraptors, ostriches, sloths, ants and people, all getting along for 40 days on a boat, a huge boat. They were able to ban together because I think we can all agree, any species, that floods suck!

There are currently 1.4 million species on Earth. Without taking into account the millions of species that have become extinct since the dawn of time, that still puts the total number of living things on the boat at somewhere in the neighborhood of 2.8 million. The Titanic held 2,227 people. Using crude math, the Ark would have had to be 1,000 times larger than the Titanic (Should be larger, as dinosaurs were huge.) That would put the length at 269,000 meters. That's 2,690 football fields long. The Ark was supposedly built by a guy. One guy. Maybe his wife. Maybe a couple neighbors pitched in. How is this not enough info to shut the museum down? I don't get it.

Also, what did the carnivores eat? Another animal? Then that species would be extinct. I'm fed up.

Three or four presidential candidates don't believe in evolution, and presumably believe this is plausible. VOTE.

-Yesterday, I helped an old lady cross the street. It took a long time. A really long time. I thought helping old ladies cross the street was an urban legend. I had no idea it actually happened. I was smiling the whole way because I felt like I was in a nursery rhyme or something. I told her to have a nice afternoon. She didn't say thank you. I forgave her. When you're between the ages of 95 and infinity, you can get away with stuff like that.

-I just watched Mike Judge's "Idiocracy." It is one of the funniest movies I've seen in years. Watch it.

-I saw a young woman, around 18, on the subway with a tattoo of a growling panther on her arm. What events lead to an 18-year-old girl being into panthers? I don't know of anyone who doesn't live in a jungle who is into panthers. I don't think that people who work in the large cats area of zoos are into them that much. They aren't a fun or endearing animal. Did she just see Apocalypto or something? For the record, I'm semi-cool with panthers, and I love monkeys.

-Want to know what 9/11 was all about? It was about cake! That's what my 10-year-old brother told me. It was hilarious. I think he misunderstood a lesson at school about communicating through codes. I forgot what we were talking about initially, but it led to him saying, "That's just like September 11."

"How is it like September 11?"

"Shoot. You know this right? 9/11?"

"How is this like 9/11?"

"When the terrorists flew the planes into the Pentagon and the World Trade Center..."

"I'm aware of that. How is this situation like 9/11?"

"The thing with cakes."

"Excuse me?"

"You know how they baked cakes and put two things on the side?"

"I have no idea of what you're talking about."

"Oh my goodness. You don't know about this? You really don't know? I thought you were supposed to be smart?"

"Sam, please tell me what September 11 had to do with cake. I really want to know."

"The terrorists made cakes and they put two things on the side..."

This went on for minutes. Finally, I gave up. Sam is a little bit husky due to cake and pie consumption, so I understood his passion. He's not fat. He plays soccer and basketball competitively. And he's the huskiest player on his teams. I processed that information, along with remembering my 11-year-old nephew saying a few months ago, "Trust Sam. He knows everything about cake."

Once he left, my mom said what he was trying to say is that in phone conversations, they referred to the Pentagon as "cake" and the towers as "candles." So, essentially, 9/11 was all about cake.

-What is this guy doing?