I AM CURSED
-R. Kelly has called himself the new MLK. MLK led the Civil Rights Movement, was frequently jailed unjustly for staging peaceful protests. He has been an inspiration to everyone who isn't Jerry Falwell. R. Kelly wrote a lot of cheesey songs and peed on an underage girl, before or after having sex with her, and has somehow avoided jail time. I can see the resemblance.
-It's time to go public with something. I have a curse. I don't believe in curses, of course, but I have something similar that's logical. Here's what the problem is: When I make fun of someone, they die the next day. It doesn't happen every time. And I don't think an argument that I killed these people with words would ever hold up in court. But it usually freaks me out for a few days each time it happens.
It all started in college. My friend Mike had already "killed" two of his high school classmates. I thought it was bizarre, and could only happen to one person. Then there was evidence that another of my friends put people in comas by sleeping with them. That's another matter though.
My first direct kill occurred in college. Mike and I were making fun of someone, I don't even remember who it was, and they died the next day. This has occurred so many times, that I'm forgetting the names of my victims.
A few days later, we were making fun of Christopher Reeves. Mike started it, and I jumped in. We made fun of him pretty steadily for a few days. Then, next morning... dead. That's freaky.
The most shocking incident was a few years ago. One morning, I decided that I hated John Ritter. I spent the whole day breaking down his career and his acting deficiencies. Whenever I had a new point to make, I made that point to all of my friends. In my day of ripping Ritter, I was only able to get one person on my side in this argument. The next morning, I found out he died while I was making fun of him. What are the odds of that?
A few weeks/months ago, I was making fun of someone, who is young. Hours later, I was told they just died. I freaked out. I was in shock for about 2 days. Then I found out the person didn't really die. It was an internet hoax. A coincidence just like the others.
Then last week came around and it happened again. This time, I was actually proud of myself. I don't know if my friend wants me to mention his name in this story, so I won't say his real name. Instead, I'll call him Larry Poon. We were having dinner. He said he was going to Lynchburg, VA for a wedding over the weekend. Then we joked about him going to Jerry Falwell's church in Lynchburg that weekend, dressed as Larry Poon or his other character "Shotgun" Tom Chance. We made fun of Falwell for about two minutes, then moved on. Some would say, if you're talking about Falwell, of course you're going to be making fun of him. True, but how often does he come up in conversation? Once or twice per year.
The next day, I was at the gym, on the gay-liptical machine, watching CNN. "Breaking News... Jerry Falwell is in Serious Condition..." I thought CNN was playing a joke on me. How could this happen again. Why couldn't it happen weeks after I made fun of him. Then, five minutes later, "BREAKING NEWS... JERRY FALWELL HAS DIED."
Then I thought, "Next up: Pat Robertson."
I assumed that most people would take that angle. Nope. Surprise. Presidential candidate, after Republican presidential candidate made statements about the great work he did. GREAT WORK? The guy was a bigot in all senses of the term. He hated everyone who wasn't exactly him. As my friend Al said of George Allen, "He's so conservative, he even hates white people." He was also a financial fraud, constantly doing fund raisers so he could amass a fortune greater than the government of the town in which he lived. The guy was one of the top 10 douchebags in the country, who hadn't raped or murdered anyone. The guy was a cancer to the human race. Good riddance.
Here is an article by Christopher Hitchens. He wasn't fond of Falwell either.
-Enjoy.
-It's time to go public with something. I have a curse. I don't believe in curses, of course, but I have something similar that's logical. Here's what the problem is: When I make fun of someone, they die the next day. It doesn't happen every time. And I don't think an argument that I killed these people with words would ever hold up in court. But it usually freaks me out for a few days each time it happens.
It all started in college. My friend Mike had already "killed" two of his high school classmates. I thought it was bizarre, and could only happen to one person. Then there was evidence that another of my friends put people in comas by sleeping with them. That's another matter though.
My first direct kill occurred in college. Mike and I were making fun of someone, I don't even remember who it was, and they died the next day. This has occurred so many times, that I'm forgetting the names of my victims.
A few days later, we were making fun of Christopher Reeves. Mike started it, and I jumped in. We made fun of him pretty steadily for a few days. Then, next morning... dead. That's freaky.
The most shocking incident was a few years ago. One morning, I decided that I hated John Ritter. I spent the whole day breaking down his career and his acting deficiencies. Whenever I had a new point to make, I made that point to all of my friends. In my day of ripping Ritter, I was only able to get one person on my side in this argument. The next morning, I found out he died while I was making fun of him. What are the odds of that?
A few weeks/months ago, I was making fun of someone, who is young. Hours later, I was told they just died. I freaked out. I was in shock for about 2 days. Then I found out the person didn't really die. It was an internet hoax. A coincidence just like the others.
Then last week came around and it happened again. This time, I was actually proud of myself. I don't know if my friend wants me to mention his name in this story, so I won't say his real name. Instead, I'll call him Larry Poon. We were having dinner. He said he was going to Lynchburg, VA for a wedding over the weekend. Then we joked about him going to Jerry Falwell's church in Lynchburg that weekend, dressed as Larry Poon or his other character "Shotgun" Tom Chance. We made fun of Falwell for about two minutes, then moved on. Some would say, if you're talking about Falwell, of course you're going to be making fun of him. True, but how often does he come up in conversation? Once or twice per year.
The next day, I was at the gym, on the gay-liptical machine, watching CNN. "Breaking News... Jerry Falwell is in Serious Condition..." I thought CNN was playing a joke on me. How could this happen again. Why couldn't it happen weeks after I made fun of him. Then, five minutes later, "BREAKING NEWS... JERRY FALWELL HAS DIED."
Then I thought, "Next up: Pat Robertson."
I assumed that most people would take that angle. Nope. Surprise. Presidential candidate, after Republican presidential candidate made statements about the great work he did. GREAT WORK? The guy was a bigot in all senses of the term. He hated everyone who wasn't exactly him. As my friend Al said of George Allen, "He's so conservative, he even hates white people." He was also a financial fraud, constantly doing fund raisers so he could amass a fortune greater than the government of the town in which he lived. The guy was one of the top 10 douchebags in the country, who hadn't raped or murdered anyone. The guy was a cancer to the human race. Good riddance.
Here is an article by Christopher Hitchens. He wasn't fond of Falwell either.
-Enjoy.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 5:15 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home